


No More Pain

by MsMarvelous



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Assets & Handlers, Avengers Family, Bathing/Washing, Brotherly Love, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Conditioning, Confusion, Cryogenics, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Food Issues, Friendship, Hearing Voices, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Learning to be Human, Medical Procedures, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Nightmares, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Clint, Protective Steve, Sadness, Steve Needs a Hug, Supportive Sam, Technology, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Torture, Video, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Withdrawal, Zola is a dick, programing, traning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:37:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 118,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5744131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarvelous/pseuds/MsMarvelous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows Pain. He Knows Fighting and Killing and Obeying Orders. But then there is Steve. The Winter Soldier struggles to understand humanity, desperate to be more then Hydra's weapon. Yet at the same time the Man known as James Buchanan Barns is fighting to live again and reclaim himself!</p><p>This is the first of a long two part tale of recovery and healing! Completely finished and will be updated regularly.</p><p>There are some intense scenes and references to past sexual abuse from Hydra but not described graphically. But be warned.</p><p>(Also I am Dyslexic so bare with me on a few mistakes ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feel Again

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this story and read the follow up, "To be the Man that I Am....Bucky's Recovery"
> 
> Please leave comments and reviews if you enjoy the story :)
> 
> Marvel owns these characters I I have no intention of profit!

One Republic "Feel Again"

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face  
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace  
Everything that I had 'til my feet went numb  
Praying like a fool that's been on the run

Heart's still beating but it's not working  
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring  
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing  
Yeah, my heart is numb

But with you  
I feel again  
Yeah, with you  
I can feel again

I'm feeling better ever since you know me  
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face  
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace  
Everything that I broke 'til my feet went numb  
Praying like a fool just shot the gun

 

Heart still beating but it's not working  
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing  
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing  
Oh, my heart is numb

But with you  
I feel again  
Yeah, with you  
I can feel again

 

Steve Rodgers, known to friends and foe alike as Captain America, rubbed his weary eyes as he drove the last few miles back to his apartment in DC. It had been a truly exhausting few weeks since he left the hospital after his recovery, determined to track down The Winter Soldier formally his best friend Bucky. Sam had helped him, the two of them chasing down every lead fed to them by Natasha, Stark, Fury, and almost every other super human individual and team he could contact. But after traveling around the country and even contacting his allies in Europe, Africa and Asia, Steve reconciled that if the “Ghost” assassin did not want to be found, he would not be found. 

Cap round the last corner toward his apartment complex considering his next move to be made first thing in the morning. He had not wanted to attract national and international news and jointly the attention of Hydra but he was at a loss and was seriously contemplating a press conference about what had occurred less then a month ago and the baffling realization that yet another one of America’s long lost heroes was resurrected from his untimely grave. Steve parked his bike and shook his head, realizing that despite the major hit Hydra took, and despite the “disbanding” of SHIELD, in reality both of those shadow agencies would love to get their hands on Bucky and continue to use him as a mindless, lethal weapon, devoid of his humanity and deprived of his much deserved freedom. He imagined SHEILD would keep it a secret if they got him and If discovered would justify it by clamming he was too dangerous to be released and it was for the good of the American people and the international community alike that he be kept under lock and key. Hydra,.... well he already knew what they would do.

Feeling more helpless and frustrated then he could ever remember, he parked his bike, slung his duffel bag over his arm and headed up the stairs. His mind was still racing, replaying the events on the Helicarrier, the blurry image of a metal hand dragging him up from the water and dumping him on the beach. Despite the doubt shared by Sam and Natasha he knew that Bucky had saved him, and judging by the confusion and pain in his friends eyes he also knew that even after 70 years of being frozen, brainwashed, experimented on, memory loss and other unimaginable horrors, the man he had known since child hood was still in their , trapped inside the slave solider who seemed to operate more on command and instinct then any real thought, feeling or self awareness.

Steve took out his keys and unlocked his door, stumbling in and dropping his bag with a sigh. he didn’t bother turning on the lights as he walked through the kitchen and into the living room toward his bed room. Steve stopped dead in his tracks as he suddenly became aware of heavy breathing coming from the darkest corner in the room. His head jolted up and he turned just in time to see the figure lunge toward him with a knife in his metal hand, eyes wide and desperate.

“BUCKY!” Steve yelled in a mixture of surprise and a call to stop his attempted murder. Quickly Captain America side stepped the attack, grabbing the knife and throwing the Winter Soldier on the ground in one swift motion. Instantly he was prepared for the deadly assassin to jump back up and resume his attack but watched in uncertainty as the Solider struggled up onto his knees wheezing and shaking. With pain filled grunts the man lifted him self and turned to face Steve, stumbling and swaying on his feet. Steve straitened his posture and studied the man before him trying to asses his threat level as well as what condition he was in.

Bucky stood on unsteady legs wearing dirty, tattered cloths that he might have found in a dumpster if the smell was any indication. His long hair was stringy and hanging in his face that was covered in sweat despite the coolness of the evening air that blew in from the open window, the point of access if Steve had to make an educated guess. The solider stood hunched over and shaking as he labored for breath, piercing blue eyes stared back at Steve unable to mask his obvious pain and distress. 

“I know you!” The Soldier's tone was hostile and full of angst and confusion, the statement held an unspoken question demanding an answer. He looked at the knife that was now in Steve's hand then back at Steve's eyes, as if asking, ‘Will you kill me now?’ As an answer Steve slowly and calmly placed the knife on the counter to his right, his eyes remaining on his unwell friend. Just as slowly he raised both hands then spoke with deliberate words and tone.

“It’s okay Bucky!... I am not going to fight you and I am not going to hurt you!... You know me because I am your friend!” Steve’s voice almost sounded pleading as he eyes communicated their own desperation. The Winter Solider stared, eyes squinted as if he was trying to look harder at Steve to see through his own uncertainty and gain a greater clarity of the truth.

“Weapons do not have friends!.... You are my mission!” The solider argued back while still breathing heavy. 

“I was your mission,...But then you saved me Bucky! You do know me!... And that is why your here!” Steve offered still with a cautious tone and distance.

“I am here to finish my mission!” The solider spat and he threw himself forward again But was just as easily deflected and once more was on the ground. He let out an anguished cry as he again struggled to his feet and turned toward Steve. The Solider could not hide the chaos inside his head and the torrent of confusion and dysfunction he was experiencing was evident on his face. He looked like he might break down and cry or scream in hatred and attack again. In truth he was on the edge of both. For weeks now he had been wandering and trying to piece together a plan or mission for himself, a purpose. He knew that he was suppose to return to Hydra, even if his Handler was terminated,... it was the orders ingrained into him and yet he purposely failed his mission by saving Caption America, a man who’s face was more familiar then his own. 

“Bucky,...Please,... you sick,... or hurt?... I can help you Buck!... I want to help you not fight you!” Steve sighed, as he once again put his arms open and palms up, standing tall and making direct eye contact. The Solider was panting and his fists were clenched, glaring at Steve through his long unkept hair. His eyes communicated his need and want to believe Steve but there was so much else going on below the surface. He brought hands up to his head and grabbed his hair white knuckled as he let out another frustrated cry.

“You....are...my...mission,...I must follow orders,... (I am a weapon,... A weapon must complete the mission!... Why do I hesitate to kill him!) Bucky’s words started out stuttered and confused and then he began mumbling to himself in Russian as he squeezed his eyes tight and began rocking were he stood, hands yanking on his hair as if the pain might snap him out of his confusion.

That day that he dragged Steve onto the beach his head had been spinning with thoughts and glimpses of a life he knew but didn’t remember and for the first time he made the choice to abandon his mission. Knowing that this would not at all be excepted by Hydra and that returning meant sever punishment and reprogramming along with another memory whip. The Solider had made a conscious decision, an act of free will that felt terrifying and right at the same time. The Winter Soldier had disconnected his tracking beacon that was installed in his arm, and realized that he must have actively payed attention to where it was located for just such a reason. 

The first few days he spent in hiding aware that he was most likely being sought by any number of individuals and agencies. The weapon had with drawn into himself as he had done before when he was not following orders or completing a directive. He found himself replaying the words spoken by the man, his mission , Caption America and he practiced saying the name,... his name, James Buchanan Barns out loud but the familiarity was coupled by a fearful anxiety and discomfort when ever the words passed trough his lips. In search for answers he had been to the Smithsonian and had seen the information about this Bucky person but he didn’t know how to integrate this new knowledge into his perception of self. He had existed for so long as Hydra’s weapon that this other identity seemed more like a long forgotten dream.

After wandering around the shadows and observing Steve from afar he realized that the man,....or was it mission,.... was looking for him. The Soldier had started to notice his body malfunctioning despite his active hydration almost within 72 hours of breaking contact with Hydra and going AWOL. In his limited thinking and concept of well being he knew he was no longer fully operational and there for needed to be fixed. Reluctantly he began considering his options for self preservation and his mind instantly urged him to return to Hydra. However he knew returning to Hydra with out completing his mission was not an option as he reminded himself that he was sure to receive a very sever and deserving punishment for his reckless and undisciplined behavior. In truth he did not want to return to Hydra or the painful chair that made him forget and kept him from thinking beyond his immediate orders,.... but on the other hand he was in pain and his body was breaking down. His confusion and uncertainty of purpose created a feeling of anxiety and desperation. This internal turmoil coupled with the dysfunction of his body pushed him to the point where he needed to act immediately before he was completely broken and destroyed beyond repair. With out knowing what else he could do he went to his mission’s apartment and waited crouched in the shadows. His plan was simple, A) I kill him and return to Hydra, accept my punishment and the chair, then after being fixed go back to the frozen coffin where I can finally rest and not think. B) Caption America kills me and I no longer suffer or think about who I am or what my purpose is, C) Caption America,... My mission,... tries to save me,... like I saved him,.... Like he saved me,....before? At the moment it would appear option C was in play and while it brought with it an onslaught of feelings he did not understand he also felt some relief because despite every impulse he had to kill this target a deep feeling that he was never aware of before fought against that order. Now the control was no longer in his hands and he could finally accept his fate, however it was dealt.

Steve felt his throat get tight and his eyes wet at seeing his best friend, a man who had stood tall and helped him at his most vulnerable,... now reduced to this hollow shell, a mindless creature designed only to follow orders and feel nothing. But he knew Bucky was struggling, he knew that he just needed to speak in terms the Soilder could understand and then perhaps he could gain his trust and the healing could begin. 

“Well,... Hydra has failed,... your Mission has no purpose,... who do you look to for orders now?” Steve's voice carried an authoritative tone, playing on The Soldiers need for direction. The tone took The solider off guard and he let go of his head and opened his eyes blinking as he considered the correct response.

“My Handler,... he is....dead,... Hydra will give me a new Handler.” The solider reasoned as he leaned against the wall, the wight of his body too great and his fatigue too strong.

“No,....Hydra has fallen,... They are no longer in control of you,... I am now your Handler!” Steve stated with certainty, leaving no room for question although internally he hated what he was saying. He desperately wanted to embrace his friend and tell him he was sorry for every thing and tell him he was,...is a real person who dose not need a handler or anyone else giving him orders. But he needed to get on the level that his friend could understand, he needed to reach him and make him stay,... keep him safe.. and hopefully stop him from attacking again. 

Bucky looked up in almost shock but as the idea settled in his brain he felt a sudden sense of relief, acceptance and even gratitude. He had wanted to follow this man, this Steve since,.... well since the first time he could remember seeing him although the moment is not specific but the feeling was strong. He felt an implicit trust and a deep need for connection to this man on a level he had never even contemplated with another human before. He did not want to hurt Steve let alone kill him but then, he never wanted to kill anyone,... he was just never given another option. The rightness of this solution felt like nothing he could remember. It was a familiar and comfortable alliance in a way Hydra had never been. However, he had to remind himself that he had just attacked his new Handler and almost killed him and his fellow combatants before. The Solider looked Steve in his eyes with a glimmer of hope and need.

“You can fix me?... I am not fully operational,...I am malfunctioning.” He stammered with an edge of desperation and pain that made Steve want to scoop him up into his arms and run to the nearest hospital.

“Yes,... I will fix you,... I will help you be better then a weapon,... I will help you be the man you really are!” Steve stated with supreme certainty and conviction, knowing that Bucky would need his strength and his patience to recover from this prolonged nightmare. Bucky took a step forward then looked up suddenly and asked with a desperate voice.

“Can I remember?...I...I need to remember....I..” He stammered feeling caught off guard by his own question and certain he would be punished for asking,... but then he was already going to be punished anyway. He lowered his eyes as his body shook from the effort of standing, He felt so weak and defenseless he hoped the punishment would be short.

“Yes,...I promise you Bucky,.... I will help you remember,... no one will take that away from you ever again!” Steve's voice chocked, his hard, commanding voice breaking at his friends desperate request that had ended with a hung head as if the question was out of line and he had no right to ask it. That was all he needed and The Winter Solider was sold,...his anguished mind rejoiced and his weary body collapsed as he fell onto his knees in front of his new Handler, he was ready to accept his punishment and what ever pain he deserved because Steve would fix him and let him keep his memories, something he could never have asked for before.

“I am ready for my punishment.” The Solider said with a content sigh of relief as he let his head drop and his arms go limp. Steve looked down with heart break at the man before him, accepting whatever pain he thought he deserved for,.... for what?

“I don’t..... Why would you be punished?” Steve asked with a tone of great sadness and anguish, his fists clenched as a tear slipped down his cheek. The Asset did not raise his head but simply stated his reply in a mechanical voice.

“A weapon may not harm it’s Handler,...” The Soldier braced him self for the strike, or the electric prod, or the whip, or the,.... he wasn't sure what else but he knew he had been punished before and he knew that it hurt. What he was not expecting was to feel two hands on either side of his face lifting his gaze as Stave drooped to his own knees. 

Despite his best efforts Steve could not keep up the role of Caption in dealing with his broken and abused friend. His eyes shown bright with tears and he made sure that the confused and questioning gaze of the Soldier was locked on his own. His voice quivered with emotion but held a strength and sincerity the Solider again was unaccustomed to but instantly felt comforted by.

“Never again!... You will not be punished,... you will not have your memories stolen,... your life stolen,.... Never again will I let anyone hurt you Bucky!... I am here for you now and forever!.... I will look after you, take care of you, fix you, make you better,... heal your wounds and help you become a whole person again!.....You are not a weapon,... you are a Soldier, a person,... my best friend!...... No more pain,....No more...no more...no more...” His words grew softer as the lethal Hydra assassin fell forward into his arms, his forehead pressed against Steve's chest as he let out a muffled cry,... the most human expression of feeling he had experience yet. His body shook as his brain attempted to process these words,... understand their meaning and despite his hesitation and his programming he knew the truth when he heard it,... he knew this man,..... He knew Steve.

Caption America embraced his long lost friend and held on tight, tears flowing down his own face as he repeated the words ‘no more’, making a promise he would keep at all costs. He got him back, his best friend was back from the dead and had been living in hell for as long as The Caption had been asleep. He held on tight, not daring to let go,... not willing to break contact.


	2. Head Full Of Doubt

Steve had held on to Bucky’s shaking body until the soldier’s tremors finally had lessened. When he relaxed his arms and Bucky sat back on his knees, their eyes met for a moment and The Soldier looked at Steve with more confusion as he reached up and touched Captain America’s wet cheeks, wiping them off with his flesh hand.

“Are you hurt?” The Soldier asked in response to seeing Steve cry. He knew that when human beings felt pain their tear ducks in there eyes leaked salt water. That was one way he knew he was not really a human because he did not think he could cry tears. Steve smiled at his friend and nodded. He took Bucky’s flesh hand and placed it over his own heart.

“It hurts here when I see how much pain you have suffered and how badly Hydra hurt you!” Steve explained with a sad smile. The Soldier cocked his head to the side, brow knit and eyes staring hard at his hand on Steve's chest.

“I think..... I know that kind of pain,... but I don’t remember why.” He exhaled a weary breath as his eyes dropped and so did his hand limply. He had begun wheezing again and Steve could not help but notice how pale he looked and how hot his skin had felt to the touch. He studied his long lost friend and knew that he needed a doctor who understood how to work with superhuman’s, especially those who have escaped the hands of Hydra. Steve shook his head and sighed, first thing first he wanted to see if Bucky would eat because Steve had a feeling he had been running on empty with out food or sleep since the crash. Then he had to get Bucky cleaned up and out of the filthy clothes that smelled like a dumpster in the summer. 

“Are you hungry?” Steve asked and was greeted by a blank stare. “Do you need food?” Again The Soldier did not answer but this time his brow knit and he bit his lip in concern. He knew that failing to provide an answer received a punishment at Hydra and although this new Handler promised No More Pain, he still did not want to test that statement. He tried to comprehend why he would need food as he had no understanding of how to process it. He had seen human’s putting it in there mouths but he did not have a memory of him self doing that on his own or receiving it from Hydra. He vaguely thought it might have something to do with receiving nutrients to keep one’s body functioning but he had received his through tubes connected to his arms and legs during his revitalization time after he was removed from Cryo-freeze before a mission and after during repairs. Steve sighed and patted his shoulder. “Common,... lets try to get something in you!” 

Steve stood up and the Soldier, the man he called Bucky stood and followed him with slow, cautious steps toward the kitchen, his body stiff and soar with even minimal effort.

“Sit down.” Steve nodded with a smile as he tried to remind him self to give directives instead of suggestions or questions. The Soldier sat at the kitchen table rigidly as he concentrated on watching his new Handler rummage in the fridge. The Winter Soldier was still unsure about his decision to forsake Hydra and switch alliances but so far this man Steve, who he could not accept as a mission, seemed to be more concerned with the well fare of the weapon then with the possible danger he presented.

“I tried to kill you.” The Winter Soldier spoke with a monotone voice as his questioning eyes connected with Steve’s surprised gaze. Captain America held in his hand a frozen pizza that he was about to place in the oven.

“Yea... but you didn’t,.... And then you saved me.” Steve confirmed with a steady nod and kind smile as he placed the food in the oven then turned around and grabbed a Gatorade from the fridge and placed it in front of Bucky. The Soldier examined the bottle of neon green before opening it. “Try it,... It took me a while to get use to but the electrolytes are good for you!...Replenishes your body and you look,.... well you look exhausted.” Steve sighed again feeling a pang of sympathy. 

“This.... will fix me?” The Soldier asked unsure as he awkwardly held the plastic bottle so he could see through it to the light.

“Not completely,.... to be honest we need to get you to a doctor to understand what Hydra has done to you and.... what we can do to help you feel,...good again, healthy and...Human.” Steve said these words as he took a seat across from Bucky, eyes watching the man that looked so familiar and yet was not at all the Bucky of his memories.The Soidier nodded once and then opened the bottle and took a sip. His eyebrows went up and he made a face that brought a smile and small chuckle to Steve as he shook his head. “Yea thats pretty much how I reacted when I first tasted it,” Steve nodded in encouragement and the Soldier drank more, not stopping until it was empty. He placed the bottle down with a frown, uncertain how he felt after consuming the neon liquid.

Steve chuckled a bit as he leaned in, elbows resting on the table and ignored the man’s sudden stiffness, still on guard by the Captain's close proximity.

“Yea I wasn’t sure if I liked it either but it does grow on you.” Steve admitted.

“Grows....on...you?” The Soldier questioned. his frown deepening as he quickly examined his body.

“No, no,....not like that I mean,... the taste,... you....you start to get use to the way it tastes.” Steve quickly reassured. The Soldier still eyed him with uncertainly, leaning back in his chair as he set his hands on the table. His eyes were locked on Steve and his expression was weary and untrusting but not aggressive or on edge, just uncertain. There was a tense silence between both men as The Captain offered a soft smile, knowing that it was going to take a while before Bucky felt comfortable around him. There were so many questions he had and so many things he desperately wanted to tell his old friend but he also didn’t want to overwhelmed him or scare him away. The thought struck him that most likely Bucky too had questions that perhaps he was not asking because he was not use to being able to speak without being spoken to.

“Buck,... I want you to know that you can ask me anything,... anytime!... What ever questions or thoughts you have I will answer them honestly!... You don’t need permission from me or anyone else to speak..... ever again!” Steve started off softly but ended with forceful conviction because he wanted Bucky to hear his words and accept them as an order. “Do you understand?” Steve asked. That was a question the Soldier had been asked before but in terms of mission objectives or how to use a new weapon or a strategic lay out or blue prints. The Soldier looked down at his hands and considered the question now. Did he understand? This new Handler was so different from the others and now he was giving him permission to speak freely and ask questions?..... It was a confusing thought and it created a degree of anxiousness in the Soldier as he bit his lip subconsciously and his brow furled. His breathing increased again as the beginning of a head ache was forming. The Soldier had discovered much to his frustration that when ever he thought too long about how he felt or what he wanted a nauseating pit would form in his stomach and his head would start to ache, as if he was programmed against such free thought or willful choice.

“Buck?.... It’s oaky,.... you don’t need to ask me questions I just thought.....” Steve’s voice held concern and patience as he watched the inner struggle and turmoil play out on his friends face. He was surprised when he was interrupted by a quiet question that was delivered through slow, unsteady words.

“Hydra’s mission..... save the world.... set it free.... My missions.... help Hydra,.... I am Hydra’s Fist,..... I am their Weapon....The Asset...... What is your mission?” His eyes slowly drifted back up to the Captain, his steady breaths wheezing in his chest as beads of sweat dripped down his face, deep, dark blue eyes stared at The Captain through his tangled curtain of hair. Steve’s eye brows went up and he sat back with a heavy breath as he tried to think about the best way to answer.

“Hydra did not want to save the world they want to destroy it, take away freedom like they took away yours...... My mission, is to help America and help the world be safe and free,... to protect it from people who want to cause pain, and death, and in-prison others.” Steve stated the words so that they related specifically to the Soldier, hoping that he could better understand Hydra’s lies and who Steve was.

“I caused pain and death.” The Soldier stated in a mumbled way again looking down at his metal hand.

“That was not your fault Bucky,... they forced you,.... they made you their prisoner and then made you hurt others.” Steve leaned in again and reached out, his flesh hand resting on Bucky’s metal one despite the tenseness the contact created. Bucky stared hard at the hand on his, fighting the urge to pull away and lash out. He considered Steve’s words and then once more rose his eyes, his chest feeling tight as his head ached more.

“You,..... will protect me?” The Soldier asked with an unsure tone and a slight tremor in his voice. 

“Yes Bucky!.... I will protect you from anyone who means you harm!.... Are you worried?... About Hydra?” Steve asked with genuine concern as he tried to read his friends expression. The Soldier was not sure about the word “worried” so instead he just stated the fact that had contributed to his need for action.

“Hydra is looking for me.,..... want me to be their weapon again,... They will not let me remember,....They will punish me for not completing my mission.” The Soldier spoke once more in a monotone voice, devoid of emotion, but his eyes held an intensity as he glared at his metal arm, jaw locked as he breathed through his noise

“How do you know they are looking for you?” Steve asked, his concern growing as he thought about the possibility of an ambush and how unsecured his apartment building was.

“I have seen them tracking me,... They have been watching you.... Two of their agents,... snipers.... they almost shot you and the bird man three days ago.... I slit their throats.” Once more his tone was matter of fact, no influx of emotion but Steve could tell that The Soldier had felt conflicted about killing the Hydra agents and was thinking about the possible consequences for his actions if Hydra did get their hands on him.

“Thank you Buck,.... For saving me and the bird man.... His name is Sam,... He is a friend of mine.” Steve stated as he attempted to make eye contact with the Soidier who seemed lost in thought as he chewed his lip and stared at the table. He hesitated, wanting to ask a question but not sure how the Soldier would take it. He sighed and finally said what he was thinking.

“You saved me from drowning,.... and you saved my friend and I the other day,... Why did you come here and attack me?” Steve asked in a calm voice with no anger or suspicion, not wanting Bucky to feel defensive or on guard. The Soldier kept his gaze distant, brow crumpled. When he spoke his voice sounded confused and he shut his eyes tight as his flesh hand went up to his head.

“I.... didn’t know what to do,....I am broken,... I am not fully operational....Hydra can fix me.... if I complete my mission,... but I... I knew you,... I...” He struggled with the words and how to explain the complexity and confusion his recent exercise n free will had created and the desperation he felt.” I don’t want to hurt you,... You are Steve,... I need to be fixed,... you said you can fix me,... You will be my Handler,... I can be... No.....Hydra...I can remember....” Bucky felt his head pounding and with out warning both hands gripped his hair as he gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes against the pain he felt ripping his thoughts to shreds and confusing his words. Steve watched his friend and understood the dilemma he had attempted to explain. The Soldier had attacked Steve out of desperation because he didn’t know how else to get the help he needed to survive other then returning to Hydra even if he didn’t want to.

“I understand Buck,.... It’s okay,..... I understand!......Everything will be oaky now!” Steve confirmed again, trying to pursued Bucky that he had made the right choice even if he was confused by it. The timer went off for the pizza and the Soldier was shocked out of his thoughts reacting on impulse as he through a knife he seemed to pull from nowhere at the alarm before Steve could even react. The Captain's eyes were wide as he looked over his shoulder at the six inch knife sticking out of his oven’s clock. He turned back toward Bucky who had ducked beneath the table and was now slowly rising up, just his dark blue eyes above the surface staring at the oven, his breathing frantic and raspy. “It’s okay,....” Steve said again, a little shaken by the fact that in a matter of seconds a knife had sailed only inches past his head at the targeted alarm. He needed to remind him self that while Bucky was reaching out for help and was barley able to stand he was still a deadly assassin and was perhaps even more of a threat now that he was unstable and emotionally erratic. The Captain looked back and offered a reassuring smile as he slowly stood up, making no sudden moves. “The pizza is ready,... That was the alarm letting me know it was done.... I am going to take it out of the oven now... You can sit down in your chair,... you are safe.” Steve spoke the words feeling guilty for sounding patronizing but he realized that slow, simple explanations was what were needed for now and a lot of reassurance.

The Soldier remained where he was crouched only his narrowed eyes visible over the table edge as he watched Steve remove the food and place some on two plates. He walked back over to the table and smiled again gently at the Soldier as he set one plate down in front of him and the other in front of himself. Taking his seat he made eye contact with The Soldier who had now risen slightly as he smelled the food. His eyes had grown big and he carefully picked up the over turned chair he had knocked down when he dove under the table. He sat down and looked at the pizza then poked it with his flesh hand before holding it up to examine.

“It’s good,.... I mean its not like,... the best but for frozen it’s oaky..... Try it.” Steve encouraged and The Soldier made a weary face as he watched Steve take a big bite and chew it. Steve was chewing big on purpose to show his friend who apparently was completely unfamiliar with the process of eating. That reality made Steve desperately angry and sad but for Bucky’s sake he hid these feelings and smiled as he swallowed the food with another over exaggerated motion. Steve ate two whole slices despite not being that hungry before Bucky finally placed the pizza in his mouth and took a bite. He chewed only once and his eyes lit up, his face betraying an array of emotions as he chewed, following Steve’s lead before he finally swallowed. Hastily he took another bite then another, unaccustomed to the sensation of taste besides his own blood, saliva, water and the rubbery taste of the mouth guard he bit into during the mind wipes. He was so focused on the excitement of the sensation of eating that he failed to recognize his stomachs complete lack of preparedness for solid food. After only half a slice he stopped suddenly his eyes shutting tight as his abdomen was gripped in cramping pain. He let out a grunt before he pushed away from the table and stumbled out of his chair. Steve was up suddenly, a confused look on his face 

“Buck?.... Whats wrong?” The Captain questioned as he slowly approached his friend who was hunched over on the kitchen floor on his knees, body shaking and eyes squeezed tight. With out warning he fell forward onto his hands and began throwing up violently with gasping breaths and swimming vision. Steve was at his side hand on his back in alarm, not sure why the pizza had suddenly made Bucky so sick. He hastily considered the reasons when it dawned on him, Bucky hasn’t eaten in God knows how long and the first thing I feed him is Pizza!?!? Steve angrily shook his head feeling like an idiot for not realizing the effects the food would have on someone who has been starved. “It’s okay,.... Bucky.., I am so sorry,... It’s okay, just breath, just breath Buddy!” The Captain encouraged as he silently cursed his own stupidity and hoped that this would not further hinder Bucky’s trust in his new “Handler.” When he was finally done wrenching he collapsed against the kitchen wall panting in a pained expression, curled tight and eyes squeezed shut. “Buck,..... I am so sorry!” Steve started again when Suddenly the metal arm came out and griped his throat, Angry blue eyes locked with his as he heard a ragged whisper that trembled.

“Did you poison me?” The Soldier asked with a level of hurt betrayal that stung worse then the tightening pressure on Steve’s throat.

“No.... Buck,... I swear!.....I ....I just forgot....” Steve chocked as he brought a hand up to the Soldiers arm, unable to breath.

“Explain!” The Soldier demand, hurt and confused and still trembling in pain and crippling nausea.

“Food,.... Your stomach,.... not use to food,.... made you sick.... I am sorry,... wasn’t thinking....My fault!” Steve pleaded. He could fight back, twist the arm off and over power the weakened Solider but he wanted to be let go, not fight his way out. Bucky looked at Steve with angry and violent eyes but with a few harsh breaths he released the man and turned away, shutting his eyes again in pain.

“You are my Handler,.... You said you could fix me,.... you made me sick!” The Soldier’s voice was small and anguished as if he was more frustrated and disappointed in Steve then actually angry or threatened.

“I know,.... Buck.... I am sorry!.... I am trying to be a good Handler,... I need to get you to a doctor. I can not fix you alone..... I am sorry!” Steve gasped out as he rubbed his soar throat. He sat panting on his kitchen floor as The Soldier lay crumpled against the wall body constricting violently with shudders as he was gripped by pain and nausea. After a while Bucky opened his eyes that stared blankly again and he let out a deep breath.

“No more food!” He stammered and then peered at Steve with a deep frown. The Soldier knew that he should not ever speak defiantly to his Handler but for some reason he felt like he could with out pain or fear.The Captain nodded with a remorseful expression.

“No more food,... Until we see a Doctor!” The Captain agreed but added the latter because he knew eventually Bucky would have to eat and he didn’t want to make a promise he knew wouldn’t be kept. After a few more minutes both men were breathing calmly and Bucky looked more exhausted then before, the pain still evident on his face. “Bucky,..... lets get you cleaned up, okay?” Steve asked trying to catch his friends eye. Bucky looked at him but again with confusion, still not sure how to answer Stave's question. Captain America sighed reminding himself to stick with orders for the time being until Bucky could gain a better understanding of how to communicate as a man rather then as a mindless weapon.

“Bucky you need to get clean!...Come with me.” Steve stated in a simple and direct voice that did not threaten, only state with purpose. Bucky nodded once, instantly responding to the order and attempting to rise to his feet and follow his new Handler. Steve put a hand out but was not surprised when Bucky ignored it and struggled to his feet, ever muscle felt stiff and ached, much like the rest of him inside and out. Steve lead the way toward the bathroom and The Soldier followed, feeling more then a little unsteady as a wave of vertigo washed over him. Steve turned and quickly caught Bucky just as he was about to fall forward through the doorway. The Captain helped him sit down on the toilet and then gave the order to remove his cloths. Bucky complied with out thought or hesitation, his eyes fixed forward and his breathing short as more pain squeezed his chest and tightened around his lungs. Steve turned on the shower to a comfortable warm and then turned and took a step back slightly surprised by a completely naked Winter Solider who held his trash clothes in a bundle not sure what to do next.

“Here,.... This is the soap and you cover your body in it and use this wash cloth. Steve held up the soap and cloth feeling dumb but the Soldier intently examined the items with his eyes as if unfamiliar with them. “How did you get clean after a mission when you went back to Hydra?” Captain America asked it with out thinking about possibly triggering any negative memories.

“The doctors,.... used white powder and hoses,... it burned,... They said it killed the infections.” The Soldier stated matter of factly as he recalled the hazy memories of mission’s past and his routine after completion before they put him back into his frozen coffin to sleep. Steve frown but moved on holding up another bottle. “This is called Shampoo and it goes in your hair.... Do you understand?” He asked receiving a nod. Steve took the gross clothing and stepped aside as The Soldier slowly stepped in. Steve could not help but notice the severe scars covering his friends body and he felt his teeth grind and his anger turn in his gut. Steve looked away as Bucky turned toward him again not wanting The Soldier to miss read his angry expression. The Soldier stood naked and exposed with an expression that suggested he was still not certain what to do next. Steve offered a quick smile and then pulled the curtain shut and turned to go out of the bathroom deciding to leave the door open in case of, ...well, just in case.

Steve threw the cloths in the trash and then placed the trash in the hall outside the apartment spraying the air with fabreze and the areas around where Bucky had been sitting with lysol. He had just picked up the phone to call the Black Widow and ask her for covert and under the radar assistance, wanting the least number of people to know Bucky’s wear a bouts when he heard a loud cry from the bathroom and the sound of crashing. Steve dropped the phone and ran into the steamy room to find Bucky laying in the tub convulsing in a seizure, the shower curtain fallen over his body and the water spraying down.

“Bucky!” Steve shouted as he turned off the water and quickly cradled his friends head. He looked down in panic as Bucky’s eyes rolled in his head and he made chocking sounds, his limbs flaying wildly and his back arched. The Captain quickly thought about what he knew about Seizures and rolled Bucky on to his side and placed a folded up towel under his head. He watched with uncertainty as after a minute or two Bucky’s body calmed and the Jerking became slower, clumsy gestures, The dark blue eyes of the Winter solider finally settling back into his skull with heavy lids and painfully shallow breaths, Bucky looked around him in disorientation until his eyes landed on Steve who was talking, the words sounding comforting but the meaning lost. It was a few more moments until his brain could process the words”It’s okay, I have you, your safe, your alright, just breath.”

Steve helped Bucky as he struggled to sit up strait in the tub, body still experiencing tremors. He looked at Steve with exhaustion as he gasped for breath, eyes communicating vivid pain.

“Buck!.... Has this happened before?” Steve asked to which The Soldier nodded with a frown as his flesh hand rubbed his own soar neck. “How many times?” Steve asked with a growing sense of urgency, realizing that Bucky was in worse shape then he thought.

“Nine,..... in,......12 days...” The words came out sputtered as the Winter Soldier groaned and closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around himself. “I am broken,... I need maintenance,.... fix me... I cannot continue.... to function... I am weak,... my body is.... pain....” The words were slurred and accompanied by the sound of despair and desperation. Internally the Soldier felt anger toward himself for throwing himself so pitifully at the mercy of his mission, a man he was meant to kill. He cursed his weakness for not following orders the first time and again contemplated his decision, wanting at the moment to be fixed and back in hibernation more then his fragmented memories of a life past and a human connection to this Man, this Steve. But then the feeling happened again, the warmth of a human touch that brought a comfort and solace he had never even known he was missing so terribly. Steve placed his hands rubbing soothing circles on his bear back. The strange sense of need and longing it triggered inside the emotionally unstable Solider was intense and he fought another urge to cry out. Until recently he did not even know what theses feelings were or that a weapon could have them.

“I will fix you Bucky,... Just hang in there!... You’ll be good as knew in no time.” Steve’s voice sounded too optimistic but genuine in intent. Knowing he had to finish getting him clean and that Bucky was too sick and hurt to manage he grabbed the wash cloth and gently pulled the broken curtain out of the tube. He turned the water on but just the bath not the shower. He put soap on the wash cloth then paused as he looked at Bucky who’s face was on his arms resting on his knees. “Bucky,... I’m gonna help you wash up.” He almost asked okay but remembered that he had to be The Soldier’s Handler before he could be Bucky’s friend. 

“I need to get clean.” Bucky muttered, repeating the order, face still hidden. Steve nodded despite the fact that Bucky wasn't looking. He gently pressed the cloth to Bucky’s back and washed off the dirt and grim that hadn’t come off just from water. Bucky’s breathing had calmed and his tremors had slowed, relaxing. Steve felt the tenseness of his friends muscles and wondered when was the las time he was able to relax and the question that was evening more heart breaking, when was the last time Bucky felt a human touch that didn’t inflict pain or handle him like a weapon to be maintained. He heard a soft whimper and stopped. The Soldier looked up at him, eyes pleading and bottom lip trembling.

“What,... dose it hurt?” Steve asked in confusion. The Soldier shook his head and closed his eyes.

“it..... I..... it feels.....” He struggled with the words to express himself not use to feeling anything at all let alone something positive. After a few more moment’s of sluggish thought he managed the rest of the sentence... “good to get clean.” He stammered and instantly turned away as if embarrassed. Steve smiled and continued to wash the warn down man that only an hour ago had broken into his apartment and tried to stab him. 

Steve grabbed a glass off the bathroom sink and filled it with the warm water. He poured it over the Soldiers head who sat up straiter and leaned his head back welcoming the warmth. Steve repeated the process and began shampooing his friends long messy hair. Bucky sat very still and although his brow was creased Steve could tell that the message on his scalp felt good. As The Captain began to rinse the hair he noticed a scar on the back of Bucky’s neck. Curiously he moved the hair and instantly felt a surge of rage run through him as his eyes locked on a Hydra Brand just below Bucky’s hair line where his neck met his shoulders, marking him like he was cattle, property to be owned. The symbol was the circumference of a golf ball and raised in scare tissue that would never heel or fade. Steve touched the brand gingerly and Bucky shuddered as if the burn was still sore. Steve's eyes felt wet again and he looked away. When he turned back he saw dark blue eyes watching him from behind a dripping curtain of wet hair.

“They don’t own you Buck!.... Nobody does!... You are your own master!” Steve said with a steal tone as he resumed rinsing his friends knotted tangles. Buck looked a bit confused and worried but then Steve sighed and smiled. “But yes,.... I am your Handler!” He rolled his eyes as Bucky nodded and closed his eyes again reassured.

It seemed that after the seizure and the warm bath, Bucky was completely exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open or stand on his own two feet. Steve dried his friends hair and then wrapped the towel around his wast and help him stumble to the Bed room where he practically collapsed on the bed. Steve grabbed a pair of sweat pants and helped Bucky slide them on not at all concerned with the nudity as they had been friends and in the army together, but still trying to respect his dignity and privacy. 

“When is the last time you have slept Buck?” Steve asked with concern as he pulled back the covers and rolled his friend in, The Soldiers body was heavy dead weight as Bucky barley held on to consciousness.

“Weapons don’t sleep,... must stay vigilant on the mission.” His words were slurred again through his heavy breaths as once more his face contorted, another wave of pain ripping through him.

“You are not a weapon! You are a Soldier and a Person and you need to rest!” Steve ordered realizing that in all likely hood Bucky had been constantly moving until passing out completely over the past few weeks. He must have warn him self out and been completely out of options when he finally came to Steve for,... he wanted to think help but the reality was Buck had tried to kill him, even if it was a half hearted, desperate attempt. Steve tried to remind himself that it didn’t matter that Bucky only accepted his help out of desperation, what mattered was he was safe and was going to get the help he needed to be right again, to feel human again. Steve smiled down at Bucky who's heavy eyes drifted shut but still popped open trying to remain conscious.

“It’s okay Buck,... your safe. close your eyes and rest!” The order was gentle and as he stroked the hair from his friends face, Bucky mumbled.

“You are a good Handler.” Bucky said the words more to himself then to Steve but still the Captain heard them and felt a wave of relief for the first time since he saw Bucky almost a month ago. As The soldier allowed himself to drift to sleep he tried to think of the words to describe Steve. He had managed to grasp the word good and it’s opponent bad but everything so far that had happened seemed to fall some where in between those two poles or maybe even could be described by both. From some distant recesses of his mind the word, “Kind” surfaced and with it the face of this man Steve but younger, as a child. He knew with out being able to state the meaning of kind, just the familiarity of a long lost understanding and innate knowledge that could not be wiped out. He might not remember what it was to be kind but he felt it in his bones and in the thankfulness he felt that he was given a second chance to be more then a Weapon, to be human again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review if ya like!!!!!


	3. Demons

"Demons"

When the days are cold  
And the cards all fold  
And the saints we see  
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail  
And the ones we hail  
Are the worst of all  
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth  
I wanna shelter you  
But with the beast inside  
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed  
We still are made of greed  
This is my kingdom come  
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide  
Don’t get too close  
It’s dark inside  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call  
It's the last of all  
When the lights fade out  
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave  
And the masquerade  
Will come calling out  
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down  
But I am hell bound  
Though this is all for you  
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed  
We still are made of greed  
This is my kingdom come  
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide  
Don’t get too close  
It’s dark inside  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make  
I say it's up to fate  
It's woven in my soul  
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright  
I wanna save that light  
I can't escape this now  
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide  
Don’t get too close  
It’s dark inside  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide

 

Steve sat in the living room staring at his phone and rubbing his tired eyes. After cleaning up the vomit off the kitchen floor he had called Sam who would be over at day break, happy for Steve but also very concerned for his safety with the unstable Hydra assassin breaking in with the initial purpose of completing his mission. The Captain had spoken to Natalia as well and told her to meet him at his place at the same time and asked her to bring Hawk Eye who had just returned from deep undercover. Steve did not tell her why but asked her to keep a low profile and not inform the supposedly disbanded SHEILD. Steve had considered not including them in this process but decided that he needed their assistance with how best to help” fix” Bucky. Steve was willing to do anything and every thing to help his friend recover but knew that what ever was wrong with the Soldier physically was way beyond his basic first aid knowledge. He also knew that The Black Widow and Hawk Eye both knew what it was like to be used by the “Bad Guys,” and Sam understood how to help Soldiers deal with PTSD, a disorder the Captain had been reading about since first waking up from nightmares and getting caught up in memories of the past after his Seventy year hiatus. 

Captain America stood up and stretched as he walked over to the Bed room casually rubbing his sore throat that was already showing bruising in the pattern of a metal hand gripping his neck.The door was opened and he peered inside the moon lit room. Bucky was laying in the center of tangled sheets, curled in the fetal position as he trembled and mumbled in Russian. Steve was carful as he approached, concern etched on his face. Bucky was covered in sweat despite his shivering and his words were mumbled through labored breaths. Steve reached toward his friend out of impulse and was startled as The Soldier reacted instantly sitting up strait, Steve's arm caught in a vice like grip from the metal hand. Bucky’s eyes were intense and locked on Steve with out recognition before he lashed out with a hard kick to The Captain’s side sending him crashing into the nightstand and wall with a grunt. Steve staggered to his feet and looked around the room realizing that Bucky had fled. Panic gripped him as he called his Friend’s name and ran out into the living room and toward the open window.

Frantically Steve climbed out and chased after the half dressed man as he sprinted across the roof top, just as he had the night The Winter Soldier had almost killed Nick Fury. This time however he did not throw his shield at the man and he did not have to worry about catching up to him as Bucky’s surge of adrenaline wore off quickly. Steve slowed as he approached his friend who had fallen to his hands and knees and was coughing.

“Bucky,....it’s okay,...I am your Handler,... remember?” Steve asked as he crouched down next to him but did not reach out to touch, his wrist still sore as were his possibly fractured ribs. The Soldier’s eyes were wide open and panic stricken as he turned toward Steve then looked around assessing his surroundings.

“Here before,.... You ran after me,.....mission.... hiding in your apartment.” The Solider had stopped coughing and sat back on his knees his chest heaving from his winded breaths as once more his words struggled, sentences in broken English with Russian words intermixed. His brow furled and a pained looked crossed his features as he shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, his hands once more gripping his hair.

“Bucky,... just breath,... it’s alright,... your safe.” Steve felt like a broken recorder but didn’t know what else to say. He wondered if accessing memories was not just difficult for the Soldier but also painful. Captain America inched closer toward Bucky, still on guard and prepared for a physical reaction. Bucky opened his eyes and looked at Steve with such a lost and confused expression that once more it brought tears to his eyes. Steve opened his arms, looking at his friend with deep sadness and compassion, offering support. The Soldier's head was spinning as fragmented images tore through his mind like an electric storm. The pain was intense as the patchwork of his memories added yet another stitch, a memory from before his most recent mind wipe. Flashes of lightening eliminated his past, distorted and ugly images rain down, and with them the thunder of feelings and emotions raw to the touch and loud, full of confusion, fear and anger. With a soft, wounded animal sound, half whimper, half growl, Bucky leaned in toward his new Handler's chest again as before, hands still gripping his own hair. Steve slowly wrapped his arms around him and with a heavy heart he reassured his friend that he would be okay. Steve calmly used his own hands to untangle the shaking fingers, flesh and metal from Bucky’s hair. The Soldier looked up at him with a pained expression.  
“Make.... it.... stop!” He whispered like a frightened child knowing that what he wanted and what he needed were in conflict. Steve felt his heart sink and a desperate need to end his friends pain but no knowledge of how. The Captain sighed and leaned in connecting his forehead with Bucky’s, eyes closed as he swallowed down the intense feelings of grief and sorrow.

“I cant make it stop Buck,... but some memories will bring you happiness,... they will help you feel more human.” Steve offered with a sigh as he sat back up. Bucky stayed folded over his body slumped as his heavy breaths wheezed through his chest.

“Eyes close....only....pain,...cold,...fear,... death....blood..... no,.....happiness!” The Soidier struggled to form the words,... once again understanding with out knowing the word happiness. It was a feeling he was so detached from that he could only think of it it terms of what it was not. Steve rubbed his back with another sigh.

“I am going to pick you up... You need to..... recover!” Steve chose his words specifically as he knew the Soldier would likely fight sleep, leaving no room for argument or protest. With one single grunt he lifted the broken and trembling Soldier, cradling the man in his arms despite the pain in his side from the hard kick. The Soldier did not fight him, his body heavy and the metal arm draped over Steve's neck. Walking with sturdy steps back to the open window he looked down at Bucky who's stare seemed vacant and blank, under hooded eye lids unfocused. The Captain awkwardly crawled with the broken man back through the window and down the hall. He gently laid Bucky down, holding his head as he placed it on the pillow. The Soldiers body was limp and his eyes stared strait up at the ceiling, chest breathy heavy and body twitching unconsciously.

The Captain sat down next to his friend on the bed, slowly and with caution.  
“Bucky,... I am soo sorry it hurts to remember...You are strong Buck.... You can survive this!..... I will help you,... I will find a way to make it hurt less!” Steve spoke with a whispered sigh, as he swallowed back his urge to cry, uncertain if Bucky was even conscious or able to respond. He sat with his friend in silence as he watched the blue eyes, glazed over and so distant, blink slowly. After a few minutes his mouth started to move but with out words and then came sound, his voice cracked and trembling.

“It hurts....” Bucky whispered. “But...It...feels more real...I am real.... I .... I have lived.” The Soldier’s voice almost sounded surprised and optimistic even as he shuddered and squeezed his tired eyes before blinking them back open, mouth not smiling but no frowning.

“Yea you have Buck!.... You have done so much,.... and you have more life to live and new memories to make!...I got ya pal,... “Till the end of the line! Steve chuckled as he thought the quiet vow, not wishing to trigger more memories just yet. Captain America's heart swelled in relief at the sound of his friends voice, at his willingness to face the painful recover, to fight for his humanity. Steve marveled at his friend’s strength and perseverance and made a promise that he would fight with Bucky and together they would over come what ever programming Hydra had forced upon him. Steve crossed his arms and rest his head against the wall behind him as he smiled down at his friend who was fighting to keep his eyes open as he played the new fragments of memory through his minds eye, willing them to stay remembered even after he fell pray to unconscious slumber. Some where deep inside the vault of scared memories was a voice, Bucky Barns was shouting out and begging the Soldier to remember. . Hesitantly, Steve carefully reached forward and held Bucky’s flesh hand in his. He squeezed it once and Bucky did not pull away but instead let out a deep breath and once more gave in to his utter exhaustion, unable to stay conscious. He was with Steve now,... he would fix him,...The Soldier felt the deep sense of comfort in the human contact and used Steve’s hand as a safety line as he dared to swim in the vast ocean of his unconscious mind were memories were waiting just below the surface like sunken ships sailed in years long forgotten.


	4. "Human"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Author’s Note- I think in the Movie Natasha says that the intelligence community has dubbed him The Winter Solider. So I took that to mean Hydra referred to him as Soldier, their Weapon, The Asset and The Fist of Hydra. Therefor when reviewing information about him I do not think Hydra used the code name Winter Soldier as that was the Ghost name given to him by the rest of the world. Hope you enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW!.... Wanna hear your thoughts! ;)

CHRISTINA PERRI LYRICS

"Human"

I can hold my breath  
I can bite my tongue  
I can stay awake for days  
If that's what you want  
Be your number one

I can fake a smile  
I can force a laugh  
I can dance and play the part  
If that's what you ask  
Give you all I am

I can do it  
I can do it  
I can do it

But I'm only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I'm only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on  
Be a good machine  
I can hold the weight of worlds  
If that's what you need  
Be your everything

I can do it  
I can do it  
I'll get through it

But I'm only human  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I'm only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human  
I'm only human  
Just a little human

I can take so much  
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human

 

Steve awoke to the sound of his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He opened his groggy eyes and realized it was dawn and he was sitting slouched in his own bed alone. He quickly looked around and saw no trace of his long lost friend and instantly sprang to his feet. He ran down the hall and stopped abruptly when he saw the Soldier crouched in a fighting stance with a knife drawn facing the door. He did not turn to look at Steve.

“Three out side the door,... I saw them from the window.” The Soldier spoke in Russian in a calm and calculated tone.

“Buck,..it’s okay. You can.......” His sentence was not finished as the door burst open and instantly the three intruders where inside armed with guns pointed at The Winter Soldier.

“Drop your weapon Soldier!” The Black Widow demanded in Russian. Hawk Eye stood next to her with his bow and Sam had a gun in each hand trained on the Soldiers head.

“What? NO!” Steve cried but already the ex-Hydra assasin was lunging toward them with the deadly knife. The Black Widow reacted quickly as she kicked him hard in the stomach and Hawk Eye followed her lead striking the Soldier with a forceful blow from the handle of his bow. The Weapon was down but rolled away and sprang to his feet. Before he could engage again The Captain jumped in between the frenzy with his hands up.

“STAND DOWN!..... THATS AN ORDER!” He shouted looking at each person directly, starting with his three allies before looking at The Soldier with intent. Slowly and begrudgingly each lowered their weapons and straitened their postures, still eyeing the opponent with caution. The Soldier was once more gasping and out of breath. The strain evident on his face as his eyes narrowed on the three and tried to recall their faces. “Damit Natasha this is NOT why I asked you guys to come here!” Steve snapped with anger and frustration.

“Well If you don’t want us to think you have had you god damn throat slit in the night by a crazy, mind fucked Hydra Assassin then I suggest answering your stupid phone Rogers!” Black Widow spat in defense of their aggressive intrusion.

“WHAT!” Steve questioned? He looked down at his phone and realized he had several missed calls but hadn't noticed since he turned off the volume so Bucky could get some much needed rest.

“Sorry Cap,... I met them outside and when you did’t answer after the first few trys I told them about The Winter Solider and how he had broken in and attacked you last night... We just didn’t know what to expect.” Sam sighed, apologizing but also explaining in a way that expressed his justification. He took a step closer and gave Steve a knowing look. “And judging by those marks on your Throat we might not have been too far off!” Steve just sighed and shook his head when he heard a growl in Russian from behind him.

“The Black Widow,.....ex-soviet,......Threat to Hydra.....Mission!” The Soldier was once more in a fighting position eyes locked on the red head.

“Winter Soldier,......ex-American.... Threat to Captain America......I will stop you if you try!” Natasha hissed in Russian, still not feeling overly compassionate toward the man who shot her once and tried to kill her only a few weeks ago.

“Nat,... Please!.... Just help me calm him down!” Steve begged as he turned back toward the Soldier with his arms raised slowly. “Bucky,... drop your weapon!.... These are our allies!...Friends..... Other handlers.” Steve sighed when the first two labels failed to motivate cooperation. Once again the word handler triggered his programmed obedience and despite his mistrust and uncertainly he reluctantly put away his knife.

The tension was thick but the other three combatants also lowered their weapons again, still not sure what Steve wanted from them and weary of the Hydra assassin accredited with over twenty confirmed kills, some of them women and children of past missions that where considered collateral damage. Steve sighed as he shook his head looking to his current friends.

“Please, I need your help,... he’s not well!” Steve pleaded, eyes full of concern and worry. 

“Uh,....Steve?” Sam’s eyes had grown big and he gestured toward Bucky. “I think that might have been an understatement!” Steve turned around just as the Soldier collapsed onto his knees and then onto the floor, his eyes rolled back and blood pouring from his noise, eyes and ears.

“Bucky!” The Captain shouted and rushed to his side, once more cradling his head, as again his body convulsed in a seizure but this time with wet chocking breaths as blood gargled in his throat.

“Turn him over or he’ll drown in it!” Hawk Eye stated instantly as he and Sam crouched down.

“We need to get him to a doctor fast!” Sam added as he looked up at The Black Widow who already had her phone pressed to her ear.

“I know,.... He’s been having Seizures and he keeps saying that his body is malfunctioning,..Like he’s some kind of machine!” Steve’s voice was trembling, the pain and fear and grief audible and visible on his face as he held the man who was coving his white shirt in crimson. Clint and Sam looked at Steve and saw his emotional desperation and knew that despite their mistrust of the Hydra Assassin, they had to help save him for Steve’s sake.

“Ok lets get him stabilized!.... Banner and Stark are flying over from the tower. They will land on the roof in 30 mins.” Natasha spoke with calm and collected authority, unfazed by the sight of the blood or urgency of the immediate situation. Clint nodded and took out a needle prepared to inject the Soldier but Steve caught his hand, eyes wild and panicked.

“NO!..... What is that?” The Captain questioned in a protective and fearful voice.

“Cap,... calm down,.... you asked us for help and we are here. This is just a sedative that will relax his muscles, stop the seizure and keep him unconscious so we can move him with out injury.” Hawk Eye stated with a slow deliberate tone. It was clear to the three allies that Captain America was not thinking strait, his emotional reactiveness and need to protect the Winter Soldier dominating his ability to effectively take command of the situation.

“Steve,....It’s okay,.... we are here to help!.... We got your back,.... and his!” Sam’s steady voice and sincere gaze locked with Steve as The Captain let go of Hawk Eye’ s hand and nodded his consent. Clint injected the needle into the side of Bucky’s neck and with in a few seconds his body slowed and his breaths evened out, a small trickle of blood still dripping from the corner of his mouth as his eyes closed. There was a shared silence as everyone looked at the unconscious Soldier and then toward one another and finally to Steve who still held the man cradled in his arms, his eyes intensely focused on the rise and fall of his friend’s chest as his fingers pressed against the pulse in Bucky’s neck.

“His heart beat is erratic,....” Steve’s voice was calm but barely hid his anguish as he pulled off his bloody shirt and use the dry part to gently wipe the blood off the Soldier’s face, away from his eyes, ears and mouth. But there was a lot and after a few moments he stopped, his hand with the shirt fell limp as he gazed down at the familiar face, so similar to the one he use to see laughing and smiling, now covered in blood, with sunken cheeks and dark circles, his pain obvious even in his sleep.

“It’ll be Okay Cap,..... Hey,..... Steve?” Sam spoke calmly and directly trying to get his eyes to focus on his face. As Steve rose his eyes he let out a soft chuckle that turned into a choke as he shook his head with wet eyes.

“You sound just like me,... Been telling him the same thing all night!... I’m fine Sam.” He sighed as he shifted his wight and gently laid Bucky down completely before standing to retrieve a pillow for his head. After he placed it under the unconscious man’s head he stood and looked up from Bucky to the bloody shirt clenched in his fist and then up to his allies, Natasha standing arms crossed, eyes assessing the situation and him as always. Hawk Eye and Sam remained crouched by Bucky but were also intently watching him, a shared expression of concern. “We need to get him medical attention,.... and then help undoing whatever damage Hydra has done to his mind.......... And then I will hunt down every last person who had anything to do with The Fist of Hydra Project,... And I will make them answer for what they have done!” Steve’s voice held a lethal tone that was completely serious and so unlike the Do Gooder Boy Scott as Stark had often referred to him. His eyes were fierce and his jaw locked as he walked away toward the bathroom to wash the blood from his face and hands.

“I think he means it!” Hawk Eye stated taken aback only slightly as he looked at the others and then down to the deadly assassin that now looked so painfully fragile and vulnerable.

“I know he dose!” The Black Widow confirmed as she wrestled with the urge to inform Fury that in the near future a rampaging Captain America was going to hit Hydra with a force that could affect the world at large. She looked down at the Winter Soldier without malice or compassion, but merely in interest at the Man who meant so much to Steve Rogers, Captain America, that he had dropped his Shield in the Potomac instead of fight him. 

“Do you think Stark and Banner can help him?” Sam asked as he looked over the Soldiers exposed torso with a feeling of deep sympathy, eyes drifting from one scare to the next, the fusion of the metal and skin particularly brutal with no effort to reduce scarring, looking so much like a Frankenstein cyborg. His eyes landed on the right, non metal arm and he reached out carefully examining the wrist. He let out a sad sigh as he turned toward the other’s and gestured with his head toward the long, deep, vertical scar, more faded then the rest that decorated the inside of the wrist belonging to the Man once known as Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, WWII hero.

“Banner can help with his body,.... Stark with his arm,...... Both have been through torture .....” Natasha remarked.

“So have we....” Hawk Eye added, his eyes locked with Natasha who met his stare with out denial or confirmation. Her gaze went back toward the Soldier.

“Memories that surface,.... flash backs....anger, fear..... confusion.....” I can help talk him through that...... But......”Sam rubbed his face as he shook his head. “How do you un-brainwash a man after 70 years of God knows what?” Sam sighed.

“Of Hell!” Hawk Eye added.

“We need Intel,....All the information on conditioning, training, programing, memory removal, and methods of control.....” Natasha stated again in a factual and professional manner.

“Do you think Hydra would have all of that,.... on file?” Sam asked with skepticism as he stood to join her, Hawk Eye rising as well.

“You don’t manage and maintain a dangerous weapon through 70 years with out instructions on how to own and operate it,....keep it from.... Malfunctioning...” The Black Widow’s voice remained calm and cool but the last word she spoke with an edge of softness as she thought about Steve’s anguish that his friend spoke of him self as a machine instead of a person.

“You thinking you could find it encrypted in the files that were just release from the S.H.I.E.L.D/ Hydra data base?” Hawk Eye questioned as he rubbed the back of his neck in thought.

“If not then we still have one of their’s in custody,.... Still hot and crispy in the Burn Unit!” Natasha mused, her descriptive words of choice receiving a look of disbelief from Sam and a shrewd smile from Hawk Eye.

“Perfect condition for an in-depth interrogation,... turn off the morphine and I’ll bet he’ll get real chatty!” Hawk Eye raised his eyebrows and smirked. But the amusement faded into a respectful nod to the Captain as he reemerged in a new white shirt and zipper hoodie, jeans, ball cap and a duffle bag. He Nodded back to the others, his face set, and his eyes dry.

“Thank you guys for coming,..... It means a lot to me and .......” He set down the bag and knelt back down by his unconscious friend. He gently brushed the hair from his face as he swallowed down the tidal wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him every time he looked at his broken brother in arms. He looked back up at them with a sigh and a shake of his head. “I honestly don’t think I can help him through this on my own!” Steve admitted. He looked back down at Bucky and felt the reassurance of Sam’s hand on his shoulder.

“Like I said Cap,.... we got your back,... and we got his back!... We’re ready to help him in what ever ways we can!” Sam spoke from the heart. Steve put his hand on Sam’s with out looking away from Bucky, a sad smile on his face and a thankful nod. Natasha stepped away and returned with a wet wash cloth, kneeling down on the other side of the Soldier facing Steve. She gently began wiping the rest of the blood off his skin as she let her eyes drift over the face of the ghost who had hunted her dreams once upon a time. 

Natasha knew that at the time when she was shot she had not been the target, just collateral damage. She had not seen his face, only the distant image of a dark haired man with a mask and goggles, the shine of his metal arm as he re-holstered his gun. He had walked toward her and the target that lay behind her bleeding and gasping. She had tried to crawl away and reach her weapon but just as her hand was about to reach he was there kicking it to the side. With little effort the Soldier had picked her up with his metal arm, fingers tight around her throat as she choked, her legs dangling. He squeezed slightly but then threw her off to the side like a discarded rag doll. She landed hard and gasped in pain as her hands covered her gun shot wound just as his killing shot echoed, a final bullet in the brain of the scientist she was suppose to protect. She curled up and held a knife pulled from her boot for when he came back toward her but to her great relief and latter confusion, he simply walked away, not sparing her a second glance, his movements so automated she wondered if he wasn’t actually a cyborg completely.

Natasha was brought back to the present as her phone buzzed. She looked down then back up.

“The plane’s on the roof,... should we bring the stretcher down?” She looked up toward Steve who shook his head and instantly scooped Buck into his arms and was on his feet wincing only slightly at the fractured ribs that where healing fast but still felt tender. Sam grabbed the duffle bag and Hawk eye lead the way with The Black Widow behind.

As they opened the doors to the roof the plane bordering ramp lowered and at the top stood a concerned Dr. Bruce Banner who greeted the group with a tight lip nod. The other’s stood aside and let The Captain hastily walk up the ramp with the unconscious Soldier in his arms. Steve nodded to Bruce who offered him a reassuring and sympathetic smile as he gestured toward a padded stretcher locked into the plane with straps for securing the patient. Steve hesitated for a moment as he looked at the straps and then Bucky, unsure if he wanted to restrain his traumatized friend. As if reading his mind Bruce spoke up.

“The Straps are just to secure him for the plan ride..... In case his body should seizure again or something else unforeseen that could cause injury.” Steve nodded and then reluctantly lay his half dressed friend on the medical stretcher. Carefully and with a tenderness that Dr. Banner admired, Captain America strapped the Winter Soldier into place. He then took a seat near by, eyes glued to the unconscious man. The others boarded and soon were joined by Ironman in the back.as the plan started to lift off.

“Hey there Agent Romanoff....thanks for inviting us to the intervention,.... After all, nothing I’d like more then to house a lethal, Hydra programed, killing machine in my super cool super hero hang out!” Iron man joked. Before he could finish he heard a serious voice, full of strain and measured rage.

“STARK!,..... He’s not a machine!.... He’s an American Hero!.....And POW that finally found his way home!” Steve started off with an abrasive edge but let his words soften as he swallowed down his anger and reminded himself that Tony was not to blame for Bucky’s suffering and he owed him thanks for his immediate response to the call for help. Ironman took a step back in slight surprise at the reprimand and then look to the others who gave him a look that communicated just how serious a situation this was for Captain America and the emotions he was trying to keep in check. He turned to Banner who exchanged a single nod as he took out a fancy device that looked like a scanner and began tracing it over the Soldier's body.

 

“My apologies Steve,.... Your friend here will receive nothing but the best care with us,.... If theres a will then theres a way as my pops use to say.....” Tony patted Steve on his back and his tone got a little more serious and real,....”And the fact that he had the will to find his way back to you,.... to leave Hydra..... The way might by full of challenges, but he’s not faceing it alone,... and neither are you.” Stark spoke with a sincerity that was not often present in his usually sarcastic and provoking speech.

“Thank you.” Was all Steve could say as he kept his eyes focused on Bucky.

“Hawk Eye,...... Good to see you up close and personal,... in the flesh,... been a bit.” Stark nodded and Clint couldn’t help but smirk and shake his head as he reached out and shook the man’s hand. “Ah... and this must be the fabulous flying Falcon himself,...Hoping you brought the wings,..... I made those you know!” Tony asked as he shook his hand.

“Actually my pair kinda,.... broke.” Sam nodded at the Winter Solider and Stark followed his gaze wile clearing his throat.

“Well,..... good,..... those were outdated models anyway,..... I have been meaning to create a newer version and could use input and feedback from an experienced pilot.

“Great,.... It’s an honor to finally meat the man behind the robot suite.” Sam smiled and Tony nodded again. “By the way who is flying this thing?” Sam asked suddenly a little uneasy.

I am Sir,.... Welcome abroad and please be seated as the planer will be execrating rather quickly. An automated voice sounded and Sam jerked around looking at the plane then up to the seemingly empty cock pit.

“Thats Jarvis,.... he’s kinda my all knowing all seeing personal security guard, pilot and wing man when on missions or just relaxing in the comfort of my own home.” Stark explained as he took a seat with the others.

Why thank you Sir, as always your words are both gracious and kind.

“He also has a habit of being a bit of a smart ass,... but as they say, like father like son.” Tony smirked.

“Clint,....” Steve suddenly called out. “How long should that sedative work?” All eyes turned toward The Winter Soldier who was siring slightly and moaning. Bruce quickly backed up whiling holding on to the railing inside of the plane as Jarvis had begun to fly toward the Avengers Tower.

“On a normal man his size at least four or five hours!” Hawk Eye responded with a concerned look.

“Well if his metabolism is anything like yours Steve then I don’t think he will be out of it for much longer.” Bruce warned. The gathered Avengers watched tentatively as The Winter Soldier’s face contorted in distress, eyes still closed as his moaning became mumbled Russian.

“Whats he saying?” Steve asked Natasha as he kept his eyes locked on his friend.

“The man on the Bridge,..... I knew him.....I knew him.... He just keeps repeating it.” Natasha explained, her expression curious. 

“Who’s he talking about?” Sam pondered.

“Probably Steve,..... don’t ya think?” Natasha offered. 

Suddenly The Soldier’s eyes bolted open and his head jerked around. His eyes were frantic and he struggled against the restraints as he hyperventilated. Steve was up and standing in front of him instantly, holding on to the frame of the stretcher as the plane’s speed made it difficult to stand.

“Bucky’s it’s me,.... Steve,..... Calm down,.....Your safe!” Steve tried to get the wild eyes to focus on him. He reached up toward his face but The Soldier reacted and bit down hard on his hand. Steve shouted in surprise as he quickly brought his hand back, blood trickling from the teeth marks.

“NO...... Don’t touch me!” The soldier growled in Russian his eyes desperate with fear and anger as he continued to struggle against the restraints.

“Steve you okay?” Sam called out from his seat.

“Guess we know why they made him ware that muzzle.” Natasha stated as she cautiously eyed the Soldier, ready to jump out of her seat if need be.

“I’m fine.... What did he say?” Steve asked as he backed away holding his hand. Bruce quickly wiped it then wrapped it in gauze.

“He said, No don’t touch me.” Natasha stated. Steve grabbed back on to the stretcher with his uninjured hand and tried again to speak to him. The Soldier had stopped struggling but was still breathing hard, head down and face masked by his long hair. Both his fists where clenched and his Body was shaking.

“Bucky,...... remember me,..... I am Steve,.... your Handler!” He spoke with an authoritative tone, an order that seemed to resonate with the Soldier. Slowly he lifted his eyes but when they locked with Steve his intense gaze tuned to one of confusion.

“Steve,..... You..... were the man...on the bridge?” The Soldier asked in a broken voice that was so different from the angry Russian growl uttered moments earlier. The tone took the observers by surprise, having not yet witnessed this hurt, confused and fragile side of the Winter Soldier.  
“Yes,..... That was when I knew it was you Buck,..... we fought,....I pulled your mask off and saw your face...... I called you Bucky.” Steve confirmed with slow patient words. The Soldier’s brow furled, the pain of remembering sharp and intense but through the fog he managed to recall the events of the mission.

“I disobeyed my orders,.... I did not terminate my targets......” The Soldier spoke more to himself then to Steve, looking off to the side and bitting his lip. “He wanted a mission report....... I asked him who you were..... I told him I knew you.” His voice was monotone as the memory fragments fit together.

“Who,..... who did you tell?” Steve asked with confusion.

“My Handler,...... The man called Pierce.” The Soldier stated as he looked back up at Steve frowning. “He told the doctors to wipe me and start over,...... I was strapped into the chair.” His even voice suddenly faltered as a whimper escaped his throat and his eyes squeezed tight in remembered pain, body shaking and teeth gritting as his let out a cry.

“Bucky, it’s okay!...... Your not there.... your here with me,... listen to my voice!” Steve called out to his distressed friend in desperation as he watched the agonizing memory rip through him. It did not last long and Slowly with heavy panting The Soldier opened his eyes, body slumped from exhaustion as his head rolled to the side eyes vacant and glazed as they had been the night before when he had remembered them on the roof. “Buck,... Bucky?” Steve called as he reached toward him again.

“Careful Steve!” Sam cautioned. The Captain held his friends blank face tenderly, his dark blue eyes unmoving, distant and unreachable. Steve sighed and removed his hand as he sat back down and turned toward the others

“He becomes catatonic after a memory,..... and it takes a while for him to come back..... It hurts him to remember,... How ever the hell they ‘wiped’ him, the memories are still in there,.. just hidden beneath pain.” Steve’s voice was raspy, eyes wet again. He looked down and rubbed his eyes as he shook his head. “Pierce!” He spat the man’s name like it was a bad taste in his mouth.

“I never trusted him,.....or S.H.E.I.L.D!” Tony mused as he looked over at the Soldier with a sad, but thoughtful gaze. “Don’t Worry Cap,.... The human mind is an amazing thing,... and the longer he goes with out sadistic, mad scientists playing etch a sketch with his his gray matter,..... the more memory he will recover!” Tony offered with a sigh. Once more Bruce took position by his patient and resumed his scanner focusing on his head as the plane flew on in silence.


	5. Roll Away Your Stone

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Roll Away Your Stone"

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine  
Together we can see what we will find  
Don't leave me alone at this time  
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

'Cause you told me that I would find a hole  
Within the fragile substance of my soul  
And I have filled this void with things unreal  
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?  
And yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burnt  
But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.  
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart  
But the welcome I receive with every start

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?  
And yet it dominates the things I see  
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?  
And yet it dominates the things I see

Stars hide your fires  
These here are my desires  
And I will give them up to you this time around  
And so I'll be found  
With my stake stuck in this ground  
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

Hide your fires  
These here are my desires  
And I will give them up to you this time around  
And so I'll be found  
With my stake stuck in this ground  
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you've gone too far this time  
You have neither reason nor rhyme  
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

 

The plane carrying the Avengers plus one very disoriented Winter Soldier landed on top of the Tower. As the ramp opened up the gathered occupants made there way out into the early morning sun. Steve was standing next to the stretcher and had instantly removed the straps once they had landed. He gazed down at his friend who had slowly begun to blink and move his limps in sluggish, clumsy gestures after his most recent memory recovery.

“Hey Bucky,.... I got you,.... I ‘m here pal!” Steve spoke gently as he held his friends flesh hand waiting for the confused and exhausted eyes to meet his own. The Soldier looked up at Steve with labored breaths, sweat beaded on his face and bare torso. His own eyes where a torrent of emotions but hooded by heavy eye lids. He opened his mouth but words did not form only a raspy, moan. “I have brought you to the Avenger’s tower to be fixed.... My Friends,.... the other handlers are going to help you feel better..... No more pain!” Steve explained and repeated his promise from the night before. “Will you lay still while I push this stretcher?..... We are on a plane that just landed.” Steve spoke slowly and clearly, wanting to make sure Bucky new exactly were he was and what was happening. The Soldier nodded once and remained still, brow crumpled and breathing heavy, pain evident in his features.

Steve turned to see Bruce waiting by the open ramp. Captain America pushed the stretcher that was on wheels and with the help of Dr. Banner, they eased it down the ramp and onto the roof. The sun was bright and the Solider squeezed his eyes shut and covered his face with his flesh arm. The glass doors slid open and inside Stark greeted them as Jarvis’ voice sounded over the house speakers.

A recovery room has been prepared with your specific instructions Sir and is located in the medical wing adjacent to the Lab most frequently used by Doctor Banner....... A second room has been prepared for Captain Rogers next to the recovery room. Should I begin the orders to have a door way built joining the rooms? Tony looked over at Steve with an expression that asked for his input.

“I thought that might be something you’d want but then again if he goes all Hydra assassin again maybe not!” Stark offered with a shrug. Steve thought about it as he walked with Bruce and Tony toward the medical wing.

“A door would be good,........I am a light sleeper,....I’ll wake up if he........ gets confused.” Steve sighed not really wanting to except the reality that despite Bucky’s need for help, he was still shackled to the killing instincts and programming of the Winter Soldier.

Very good sir!.... A door will be created and finished by this evening. The Black Widow, Hawk Eye and The Falcon are in the dinning room being served Breakfast. Will you join them or shall I have yours sent to the lab? Jarvis asked.

“I’ll take mine in the Lab Jarvis.” Bruce spoke absent mindedly as he was occupied with his scanner, looking over the initial results of his medical assessment. Stark looked at Steve, again waiting for an answer as they entered an elevator. 

“I’m not hungry and,....... Bucky cant hold down solid food,..... I fed him pizza yesterday and he threw it up..... He doesn't even remember how to eat.” Steve’s tone started off tired, then guilty followed by anguished as he looked upon the man who now lay still, his eyes half open trying to focus on Steve’s face, body limp but shaking with shallow breaths. Bruce and Tony exchanged looks. Stark patted the Captain on the back with a sigh.

“I’ll have yours sent down to the lab with Bruce’s,.... I am going to go play host with our other guests and we will join you fellas later!” The elevator door opened and Bruce walked out nodding at Steve to follow as Stark saluted them and remained in the elevator.

The Soldier was more exhausted and dysfunctional then he had any understanding of. His vision was blurring in and out as was his hearing, he could barely feel his limbs but when he did they throbbed with fiery pain. Confused and disoriented, he was unsure who these new Handlers were and would normally be on full alert at the word “Lab” if he wasn’t so powerless. The only vague understanding he had at the moment was he was with his Handler, the man called Steve, or Captain America and he had brought him to a place to get fixed. The Soldier resigned himself to the fact that he was completely at the Mercy of these handlers but that was not a new feeling. What was new was his intense need to trust Steve even if he still felt compelled to kill him and complete his mission. He never trusted Hydra, but that was irrelevant,... he was not given the option to trust them, only to accept what ever punishments or conditioning they offered with out complaint. The Winter Soldier was a weapon, an Asset to be used. A machine to be maintained or dismantled at the Handler's will. He thought that maybe at one time he had resisted,.... perhaps when he was still Sergeant James Buchan Barnes,... the friend of Captain America. The Soldier had a feeling, vague and whispered from deep within his shattered mind that Sergeant Barns had fought back, had resisted Hydra,.... Until the Winter Soldier took over and fighting back was no longer a concept he could fathom anymore then happiness, or willful desire. These thoughts echoed in his mind as he was only somewhat aware of the Handlers lifting his numb, useless body off the stretcher and onto a soft, padded table.

The Soldier felt hands on him again and he shuddered as familiar feelings of being vulnerable and helpless gripped his heart, his breathing escalating. Bruce was using his hands to examine the scaring on Bucky’s shoulder, Steve standing by but out of the way. He took a step closer when his friends breathing increased and Steve reached out and took his flesh hand again, his calm and gentle blue eyes locking with Bucky’s deep dark eyes that were panicked, brow furled as he made a small sound from his throat.

“It’s okay,...... Bucky your okay,....... We’re fixing you,.... helping you heal!” Steve promised wishing he could ease his friend’s anxiety. A beeping sound startled The Soldier, his eyes darting toward Banner who was looking down at the Scanner with a serious expression. The doctor looked up at ill man’s delirious and confused gaze and then to Steve who’s face dropped as he read the expression on Bruce’s face.

“Steve,..... based on my initial medical scan he’s in critical condition! Not only is he completely dehydrated and malnourished,...... he’s also going through some pretty serious with drawl from whatever god awful chemical cocktails they must of been injecting him with regularly....... His body is literally on the verge of shutting down,..... possible failure of internal organs, hemorrhaging, internal bleeding, brain aneurism,..... I need to hook him up to an IV and do some blood work immediately!..... This stress and fear is also only going to exacerbate his body’s deterioration..... I think I need to keep him sedated for a while,..... I can feed it into his IV so he wont wake up.” Bruce spoke with urgency but in a calm, professional voice that kept Steve from scrumming to his own sense of panic at the news his friend was on deaths door step. Steve nodded his consent but could not shake the feeling that prolonged sedation would likely result in an endless nightmare Bucky would be unable to wake himself up from. Bruce knew and understood his concern, but before worrying about the Soldier’s mind, the Doctor needed to stabilize his physical condition that was immediately life threatening..

Steve held his friend’s arm and in a calm voice he explained everything that was happening as Banner carefully hooked him up to the IV. The Soldier’s glazed eyes watched the tubes and needles insert into his arm and he knew that Hydra had done the same thing after Cryo-freeze and again right before. With raspy breaths his eyes watched with uncertainty and a deep fear that seemed to form at the pit of his stomach. Banner then placed an oxygen mask over the Soldier’s face and instantly Steve felt The Soldier’s grip tighten on his hand. It was heart breaking watching Bucky squeeze his eyes shut and turn away from Steve, resisting the urge to cry out as his desperate want and need to trust were replaced by a feeling of disempowerment and submission. The sensation of the mask was so similar to the one Hydra made him ware that he felt sick with the raw emotions unaccompanied by thought or logical reason or even memory, The familiar sense of loss of control and being forced to obey orders against his will was painful and nauseating when before, it had hardly even registered let alone invoked such an intense reaction. 

“Bucky” Steve’s own voice choked at seeing his friends obvious pain, and the distress he was experiencing.

“Steve,...... The sedation is going to take effect soon,...... I think it will be easier for me to treat him and determine the cause of his body’s breakdown if you leave once he is unconscious. “ Bruce sighed, but did not mince his words, a need for clinical clarity and space to perform a more invasive exam was needed if he had any chance of saving the Soldier’s life. Steve wanted to protest, to beg Bruce to let him stay, even if standing in the furthest corner but he swallowed down the urge and nodded with his own heart broken sigh. He looked to Bucky again who’s eyes were drifting shut now against his will, breath slowing, guttural moans of protest against sleep leaving his throat even as he was over come by unconsciousness. Bucky’s hand went limp and Steve set it down with another heavy sigh.

“Just,...... just take good care of him doc,......he deserves to have his life back!” Steve’s jaw was locked eyes wet as he nodded at Bruce who nodded back, sympathy in his eyes. Steve turned and walked out the door just as a robot carrying two trays of breakfast entered. Steve waved the robot off as it tried to hand him his food and instead walked down the hall way and back to the elevator going strait to the roof. His chest felt tight and his blood pounded in his ears as his own fear and anxiety took hold. Could fate really be so cruel to give him back his best friend, who had suffered so much, just to take him away again with out ever getting his much deserved second chance at life? Steve hastily walked out to the balcony and let out a strangled cry, a sound so weak and pathetic and sad that he was surprised his Super Soldier form could even allow it to leave his throat. He wiped the unshed tears from his eyes, his body shaking as he looked up to the sky.

“Please God,..... please if there is anybody up there who can hear me,..... please don’t take him away again!..... Please help us give him a new life!...... What ever he’s done,.... the blood on his hands,.... it’s not his fault,..... I will pay for those sins my self if you can just help him to live,... to recover form this hell!...... James Buchanan Barnes is a good man,..... please,...please!” Steve felt the tears he could not suppress rise into his eyes and blur his vision. He hung his head and whispered the prayer again and again only stopping when his cell phone began to ring. He answered it was a choked and dry hello.

“Steve,...... When you are ready,....... meet us in the conference room,.... There is something we need to discuss.” Natasha’s tone suggested she could her the tremor in his voice and the tears he was trying to hid. “Ok.” Was his only response. He took some deep breaths and then sighed again,. focusing on the present and shaking off the past. Bucky would be fine,... he was strong, he was a fighter and a surviver. He needed to remind himself so he could be strong for him and help him remember that spirit and self determination that he had always admired and looked up to in his friend. Steve wiped his face, He had to get his emotions in check, there was a lot that needed to be done and he would not rest until it was.

With deliberate steps Captain America walked back into the Avenger’s tower and toward the conference room, eyes dry and jaw locked. He was not going to be weak or emotionally distraught,... now was a time to be absolute and stead fast for the sake of his friend. He entered the conference room and stopped in the doorway, a small smirk graced his lips as he shook his head in mild disbelief. There on the table was his beloved and battle tested shield, freshly repainted and polished to a shine. He looked up at the others who all wore their own small smile at his reaction, Tony leaning back in his chair feet on the table as he nodded. Steve picked up the shield and his smile grew even as he heard Tony mockingly admonish him.

“Do you have any idea how rare that metal is,..... huh?... A one of a kind, hand crafted with love,..... beautifully painted work of lethal art given to you by my late and great father and you just.... oops-a-daisy......drop it in the middle of the god damn Potomac river!....... Luckily for you Spangles,..... I happen to have an underwater Iron Man suite equipped with a metal detector that can lock on to Vibranium but still...... I was down there for almost 20 minutes,...... on a Saturday I might add!” Tony scoff pointing an accusing finger at Steve who shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Thanks Stark,.... I appreciate the effort!” Steve sighed as he took a seat setting the shield down with his hand rested on top of it. His smile diminished as he heard Natasha clear her throat before giving him a poigant look.

“Whats the word from Banner?” She asked, trying to sound casual and calm but knowing already that it would not be good. Steve did not look up but nodded slowly.

“Bucky’s in critical condition,.... Possible organ failure,..... dehydrated and malnourished.......” He paused and then looked up at the serious faces around the table. “He thinks that Hydra has been injecting Bucky with drugs,... different chemicals and now he is going through withdrawal,... his body is braking down.” He leaned back, jaw locked again and his fists clenched.

“It would make sense,.... I mean...... putting a human body into cryo-freeze and then defrosting is probably pretty harsh on the cellular structure and they have done it what,..... well over twenty times at least over the past 70 years!..... Plus you said he had super strength and heightened reflexes!” Stark mused as he rubbed his goatee. Steve nodded.

“Doctor Banner is doing blood work and running tests now.... I am not sure what he can do,.... or what I can do right now to help....” Steve sighed again, fighting the helpless feeling and reminding himself to be strong and stay focused.

“We got some ideas about that.” Hawk Eye stated flatly as he turned his eyes toward Natasha. Steve looked up at them with a questioning glance and Sam shook his head, obviously uncomfortable with what ever The Black Widow was about to say.

“What?” Steve questioned. Natasha looked directly at him with a calm and calculated tone, her mission voice.

“In order to best help the Winter Soldier we must understand what he has been put through in terms of physical conditioning, mental programing, and biological manipulation.... There is no reason to believe that Hydra dose not have comprehensive files detailing his training and what steps they have taken to maintain their control over him.” The Black Widow explained plainly.

“I..... I don’t understand,... I saw the file you gave me from the KGB..... I thought that was all there was.” Steve questioned skeptically.

“That was all the KGB had on file,..... but Hydra is another story.” Natasha stated. Steve’s brow crumpled as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Ok,.... how are we gonna locate these files,.... do you think they are encoded within the S.H.E.I.L.D data base you released?” Steve asked.

“No,.... I had Jarvis check about an hour ago.....” Tony stated, already aware of how Natasha planned on retrieving the information.

“Well then where...?” Steve began.

“Hawk Eye and I are prepared to interrogate a Hydra operative who was part of the Winter Soldier’s strike team. Pierce would have been the best bet but with him gone I think that will be our most likely source of intel.” Natasha stated again in mission voice.

“Who?” Steve questioned after a brief pause as he looked at Sam who had been staring at his hands the whole time.

“Brock Rumlow.” Natasha said the name and instantly Steve sat up strait.

“He’s alive?” He questioned. The Captain had known that Sam had fought with him and nearly missed an explosion but he was not aware that the man had survived.

“He’s being held in a secure hospital wing of an underground S.H.I.E.L.D base.” Tony explained as he used a thee diminutional holograph from his tablet to project the shape and blue print of the bunker.

“I know you don’t want me to bring Fury into this,.... but we can either get in there with his clearance, conduct the interrogation while most likely being under S.H.I.E.L.D surveillance,... or we extract him,.... take him somewhere else,... learn what we can,.... and then dispose of him after.” The Black widow again stated the options methodologically with out emotion as she carefully gaged the Captain's reaction. Steve looked at her with a steady gaze then over to Sam who met his eyes with a look that communicated his obvious discomfort with torturing and killing an injured and helpless man, even if he was an enemy combatant. The Captain's gaze then turned toward Stark who wore a introspective expression, as if he was not at all sure how he felt about the options presented but was willing to follow the Captain's lead. At last his gaze drifted to the Two S.H.I.E.L.D shadow operatives who fixed him with cool, detached stares,... no emotional investment and completely comfortable carrying out either version of the plan. He looked down at his shield and ran his hands over the smooth surface as he battled with his morals and with his burning desire for revenge. The most powerful and dominating feeling however was his need to help Bucky and to keep him safe.

“Tell me honestly,..... If Fury knows we have the Winter Soldier in our care,... under our protection,... will he be safe,.... or will S.H.I.E.L.D try to take him,... use him as their own weapon or in-prison him as an international criminal?” Steve asked The Black Widow with a hard stare as he shared the fear that most influenced his decision. Natasha paused, considering the question.

“i don’t know for certain,... but seeing as Fury would rather have you as an allie then as an enemy,... Most likely he would trust The Winter Soldier to your care and guardianship,... As long as he no longer posed a threat to National Security.” Natasha spoke with an honest candidness that Steve appreciated. and he sighed and nodded.

“Okay,... call Fury,... I honestly don’t care how you get the Intel Natasha,... But we are not Hydra,... No matter how much that Son of a Bitch might deserve to die,... I can’t condone killing him like this.” Steve sighed, his eyes looked over to Sam who sat back, the Falcon offering a reluctant nod, still not completely supporting the plan but at least accepting it. There was a shared silence before Natasha rose from her seat and took out her cell phone, ready to make the call.

“Well,..... Heres to looking forward to finding out just how badly Hydra fucked with your buddy!.... Nice to gain some insight into the terrorizing and forever traumatizing methods of everyone’s least favorite militant cult!” Tony jabbered as he rubbed his face and shook his head. The comment might have upset or offended the Captain but one look at Stark and he could see the silent dread on his face, aware that humor was Tony’s defense mechanism and knowing that the man beneath Iron Man was still battling with his own night meres and panic attacks since the invasion on New York. 

Steve sighed and cleared his throat as Natasha hung up the phone with a nod that access was granted from Fury.

“This might not be the best time to add that Hydra..... or at least whats left of them is actively still trying to get him back.” Steve looked at the others who all exchanged questioning looks.

“And you know this how?” Hawk Eye asked with a stare that communicated his reaction to just how much more overtime this, “favor” of Steve’s was going to require.

“Bucky took out two of their operatives a few days ago.... They were tracking us,... Sam and I as we tracked him. They were snippers about to take a shot before he...” Steve slide his finger over his throat with a timid expression.

“Wait,.... we have been looking all over for the Soldier and he was watching US the whole time?..... And Hydra was watching us,.... about to take a shot?!?!..... Ya know one of us is not a Super Soldier Steve!” Falcon stated with exasperation as he shook his head.

“Yeah,.... sorry about that,... So,...” Steve paused.

“Hydra probably knows we have him and might come guns blazing to get back their most valued Weapon,... especially after what we did to Project Insight!” Natasha added as she leaned to the side hands on her hips and an expression that questioned exactly what Steve had gotten them all into.

“Well thats just peachy,..... after all this Tower hasn’t been over run with bad guys in over a year,.... guess it was about time!” Stark huffed. “ Jarvis guess what we’re doing today!?” Stark rubbed his forehead as he leaned his elbows on the table.

Based on the statements just made by Captain Rogers and Agent Romonoff I would asumme upgrading our security system Sir.

“Yeah!...upgrading and expanding it!..... I wanna make sure those two headed bastards don't get with in a mile of our club house,..... Members only from now on!.....Cancel all the daily tours, send all non essential personal home, close the gift shop and and tell the investors the annual board meeting is postponed!” Stark sighed with a shake of his head.

“I....I’m sorry....” Steve offered sheepishly.

“Hey, what are friends for!....Now,...anyone else in the mood for a Bloody Mary,... some morning vodka to celebrate our new Russian speaking, work in progress downstairs?” Stark did a drum roll on the table and instantly received two hands up from The Black Widow and Hawk Eye. The genius behind Ironman turned toward Sam who let out a deep sigh rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah,.... why the hell not!” He leaned back in his chair with a passive laugh, realizing that his decision to help Steve and hang out with Superhero's and S.H.I.E..L.D agents might require a bit more dedication then he had initially thought.

“Captain Good News..... Bloody?” Stark rose from his seat and pointed at Steve who shook his head looking down and feeling guilty at the burden he was placing on his friends and the risk he was asking of them.

“I can’t get a buzz.” He shrugged.

“All the more reason,.....Jarvis,... tell the kitchen 5 Bloody Mary’s heavy on the Russian,... we have a toast to make,... after all, one more super Soldier bad ass is in the works to join our team of misfits,.... and of course we can’t over look our very own winged comrade in arms, The Falcon!” Stark was sauntering around the room as he slapped Sam on the back who nodded in recognition. 

Five Morning Cocktails coming right up sir, Jarvis answered.

“And Jarvis,.... Lets inform Pepper that I need her to extend her business trip in Europe for a few more weeks and as a reward for her hard work tell her I am sending her Mother and Sister to meet her in Costa Rica for another few after that!” Stark’s voice sounded strained with tension even as he attempted a casual, flippant tone.

Sir, I am certain Miss Potts will want to know why you are deliberately keeping her out of New York.

“Yup,... well when she calls make sure to put Captain Underpants on the phone and he can fill her in on our new repurposed home for runaway amnesiac Hydra Assassins!” Stark laughed with a wink at Steve who again offered a sheepish smile and nod, the expression on the Boy scott Avenger so apologetic and uncomfortable that Tony sighed and walked over to him taking a seat with a heart felt sigh placing a hand on his shoulder. “Look Steve, all jokes aside,... There is no better place for him to be... no better team of people to help him recover and protect him from danger!.......I stand by what I said on the plan!.....A friend in need is a friend in deed and all that!” With that sentiment he placed a hand on each side of Steve’s face mushing his cheeks as he gave a dramatic kiss on the Captains' forehead grinning ear to ear as Steve shoved him off and rolled his eyes.

“That goes for me to Cap,... The Soldier’s lucky to have a friend like you,... and so am I!” Sam nodded in reassurance. Steve smiled and nodded in appreciation and then turned toward The Black Widow and Hawk Eye who both on Que. rolled their eyes with dramatic sighs.

“Yeah, Yeah!.... Us too!” Hawk Eye added.

“Look Rogers! I have taken not one, but two bullets from this guy,.... His ass better be worth it!” Nat smiled with a tease. The mood had lightened and as a robot came in with drinks Tony stood and proposed a Toast that was honored by all even the Captain begrudgingly despite his disinterest in the alcoholic beverage.

“Heres to Friendship and loyalty,... may we all strive to be as good, trustworthy, and gosh dran lovable as Captain America.... The first Avenger!” The gathered Avengers cheered in earnest. Steve’s eyes looking at each with sincerity as he nodded. They took a sip and Toned added casually under his breath but audible to all.... “Any friend of his is worth saving and risking a multiple billion dollar state of the art, high-tec facility for!” His follow up received smirks and chuckles and a gentle shove from Steve. They drank in contemplative silence as the smiles faded and the reality of the situation sank in heavy on the gathered heroes as they readied themselves for the undoubtedly turbulent road ahead, each mentally preparing for the storm to come.


	6. Chained To The Couch

THE DEVIL MAKES THREE

"Chained To The Couch"

 

Well it's hot like ouch  
And I'm chained to the couch  
And my brain spits bad ideas out of my mouth  
Like a thousand words  
Circuits burst  
Crowd screams and here comes the hearse  
And I'm jumping now  
Out of my chest  
As the crowds begin to scream  
And the winos wade into the barrooms  
To drink away the dreams  
And I can hear years worth of traffic  
Outside on that dirty street  
And I can see the lights turn  
From red to black to blue to brown to green  
And I been staring for so long  
My eyes begin to bleed  
Yes I been staring for so long  
My eyes begin to bleed  
When I was a young one  
They told me I left my rights at the door  
As I grow older this becomes true more and more  
Now I'm just staring out that open door  
I should be screaming  
But I ain't got no tears no more  
I ain't got no tears ain't got no tears no more  
I ain't got no tears ain't got no tears no more  
Guess I lost a few things that were dear to me  
Like my arms and my legs and my body and my soul and my will to speak  
Now they're just sliding fast towards that ocean floor beneath  
Tryin' to not be pulled under by the waves and the weeds  
Rain on the roof fit together so click like a tailor made suit  
It's like pull, aim, click, bang, soar and shoot  
And the rain and wind they lick my skin  
'Til it's freezin' smooth  
And they heal over years of a thousand bloody wounds  
Oh Yes they heal over years of a thousand bloody wounds  
When I was a young one  
They told me I left my rights at the door  
As I grow older this becomes true more and more  
Now I'm just starin' out that open door  
I should be screaming  
But I ain't got those tears no more  
I ain't got no tears ain't got no tears no more  
I ain't got no tears ain't got no tears no more

The Soldier is dreaming,... unconscious from the sedative, his broken body shivers as his mind digs up old memories, distorted and blurred but painfully raw and emotionally pungent.

He could taste blood in his mouth, and he rolled his head to the side as he spit it out growling like a wild animal as around him the doctors yelled in Russian, some words he knew,.... others still foreign to him. A man was screaming as he held his bloody hand, another smacked him across the face before he was lead away. The Soldier struggled against the restraints that cut into his naked flesh. eyes wide and panicked, desperate to free himself. He did not have knowledge of who he was at the moment,... a vague understanding that he was a captive, that this room with the bright lights that stung his eyes was a bad place, a painful place where he was being punished, for what he did not know. Fragmented images flashed through his head accompanied by searing hot spikes of pain that made him feel nauseous and disoriented but still he struggled, he fought all the while with the taste of someones blood staining his teeth. 

A man appeared above him, angry and violent, his face familiar and instantly invoking a deep sense of fear fueling his desperation for escape. The man with the ugly sneer and scarred face hit him hard in his face, again and again, shouting in Russian,.... threatening him. The angry man held a pair of pliers and threatened to pull out his teeth, the words becoming clearer as his disoriented mind began to hone in on the language. He felt the pliers in his mouth, rattling against his teeth as the man used his other hand to hold his head still. He screamed, howled like a mad animal, like a captive beast. He struggled so hard he felt the wet blood dripping from his wrists. He was on his back and strapped down tightly, only his head moving. Just as he felt the metal pliers latch on to a back tooth and begin to pull there was more shouting and that man, the ugly, mean, angry eyed man was pushed away and in his place was the short man with a strange face and glasses. He looked down at the wild creature strapped to the metal table and shook his head with disapproval, speaking words of admonishment. Suddenly he saw a black object in his hands. The strange, little man, a doctor, placed on his lower face the black muzzle and latched it into place. He was smiling down at the howling animal who did not remember his own name but knew he was in danger, knew that he had to escape. The muzzle was hot and hard to breath, it rest sharply against his cheek bones and felt uncomfortably tight. He thrashed about, desperate to get it off. There was no more yelling or shouting in Russian, now there was only laughter. The other men in the room gathered around him as he jerked his head from side to side trying to shake the muzzle off, crying out in pain and confusion. The men stood laughing at his struggle, no longer concerned that he might bite them, they taunted him, smacking his face and pulling his hair. 

He fought and his body ached with the pain and effort of his struggle but still he was trapped, a helpless, scared animal, pray surrounded by predators. He cried out in frustration as their hands hurt his body delivering painful strikes to his torso and legs with whips and metal switches. The strange man reappeared, he was not smiling now, a look of contempt on his face that was replaced by satisfaction as he took out a needle and plunged it deep into the soft spot behind The Soldier’s ear and jaw. The pain was intense as liquid fire raced through his skull and spilled out into his whole body causing him to convulse violently. Slowly the fire dissipated and a hot, fuzzy, numbness took over. He stopped yelling, stopped fighting as he felt the need to escape leave his mind and body, replaced by only a dull painful stiffness in his muscles as if they were cramped, tight from over use and sore.

The bright lights were lowered until they were right above his eyes and he tried to close them but the strangle little doctor put drops in them and they shot open, stinging and unable to close. A strap was placed across his forehead and he could no longer turn his head. The lights were backed away and a screen was placed over his face, a few feet away. Images began to flicker by his wide open eyes as he struggled for breath. Images of death, of a man being gutted to death, a woman burned alive, a child decapitated... They were fast and brutal and filled him with anger and rage. Head phones were placed over his ears, blocking out the rest of the world. Then the audio started and he heard a man’s voice, so familiar, monotone and complacent speaking in English and then in Russian. 

‘ Hydra is my maker,.... I owe them my life..... I am a weapon..... a weapon does not feel..... a weapon dose not think..... a weapon must follow orders....I must follow orders..... I must complete my missions,.... I must eliminate any threat to Hydra,..... Hydra is my master..... Hydra will bring order to the world......Order comes from pain and death..... I will kill for Hydra.....I will follow orders.... I must obey my handlers,..... I will not ask questions,.... I will complete my mission and return to Hydra.... Weapons do not question.... Weapons do not defy handlers.... Weapons follow orders.... or will be punished..... If I fight my handlers i deserve to be punished..... I am nothing with out Hydra...... Hydra is my maker.... Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra.......Hydra is my maker....... I owe them my life....” The recording went on and on in English and Russian with that voice, that voice that he knew, that he recognized. Images of ways to kill and torturer continued to flood his mind. The strange doctor continued to drop the stinging drops that would not let him close his eyes and his ears could not escape the constant flow of words. The more he listened the more he recognized the voice until he realized it was his own. His brain focused on the words, on the images as the thoughts of escaping were forgotten,... anything else was forgotten as the thick, dull, throbbing pain settled in his entire body and he focused entirely on what he saw and heard ignoring the feel of his other senses.  
...........................................................................................................

It had been nearly two hours since they had arrived in the lab and Bruce was rapidly scanning the blood samples he had entered and was waiting on Jarvis to print out the specific toxicology, examining what chemical components where still existent even in trace amounts since his last dosage had to be almost a month ago. The doctor turned quickly at the sound of the heart monitor as it beeped rapidly. The Soldier was again convulsing on the padded table and Bruce ran to his side. He monitored the read outs and the brain waves realizing that his body was responding to a memory, that his mind was locked in REM sleep that was dominating his physical form. With uncertainly he contemplated removing the sedative but just as quickly as the convulsions started, they abruptly stopped. Banner frowned in sympathy as he stoked the sweat drenched hair from his tormented patient’s face as once more the Soldier lay still but with mumbled whimpers and violent tremors, his eyes under the eyelids moving rapidly. 

Sir,... the toxicology assessment is complete. Should I print out the results? Jarvis voice sounded over the lab speakers.

“Yes Jarvis,..... and then compare the chemical compounds with available drugs that contain similar properties that will not cause damage to cellular function..... lets see if we can create a substitute that will help with his detox, prevent further deterioration and promote cellular growth.” Banner spoke calmly as he turned back to his computer with a sad sigh, eyes squinting at Jarvis’ toxicology report. “What the hell have they done to you!” He swallowed down the deep feeling of hatred and resentment, keeping the other guy in check.

“Hey Incredible Banner,..... What is the prognosis my friend?” Tony’s face appeared on one of the screens, a tight lip smile hiding whatever emotions he was dealing with. Banner sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well,.... At first glance I’d say they have been pumping this poor Kid so full of drugs that his blood work has revealed a toxicology that is simply,.....astonishing..... Steroids,... mood stabilizers,..... pain killers,..... immune boosters,..... as well as psychedelics and adrenaline enhancers.... Some of this looks like a cross between PCP and Crystal Meth but mixed with enough tranquilizers to sedate a hoarse..... To be honest they must have been jacking him up with adrenaline and rage inducing drugs before missions and then calming him down after words and keeping him borderline catatonic to ensure complacency..... It also looks like he was regularly injected with stimulates to restart his heart and warm his blood after cryo-freeze and then slowing everything down before sticking him back in there...... Tony, Hydra might be evil, sadistic bastards,... but they are not idiots..... The doctors and scientists working on this man must have known that there was no way to sustain this level of chemical alteration even with whatever version of Super Soldier serum that is now attached to his DNA!” Banner mused as he adjusted his glasses looking over the read outs.

“So you think they knew he was gonna crash and burn sooner or later?” Tony asked in curiosity.

“I am saying that Hydra never intended for the Soldier to live forever,.... and had no reservations injecting him with everything and anything that would get the job done in the immediate. He was not gonna live through more then two maybe three more Cryo-freezes!” Bruce threw the papers down and shook his head in disgust. Tony steepled his fingers in thought as Bruce took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He was tired already, having stayed up most the night on his own personal research before they had received the call for help at the crack of dawn.

“So,.... Your trying to create your own stabilizing compound?.... To help with the withdrawals like morphine for a heroine addict?” Tony asked as he remotely viewed the computer screens, his fingers scanning over the projection of the data from Bruce’s lab work and Jarvis’s toxicology analysis.

“Yes,.... I figure it will help ease the effects of withdrawal, wean his body and mind off with smaller dosages of similar, less harmful drugs,......” Bruce sighed as he scanned over Jarvis’ suggested combination of non lethal substances.

“Well that should help,....” Tony began.

“But it wont repair the damage already done!” Banner added.

“The Super Soldier serum doesn't accelerate his healing?” Stark asked with a frown still visibly scanning the read outs from the blood work.

“It dose but in this case it is simply over exhausted,.... completely maxed out...His entire body is literally breaking down Tony,..... If his lungs don't collapse then his heart will soon give out or his brain will suffer a major aneurism.” Bruce shook his head. There was a moment of silence as Tony squinted his eyes and rubbed his goatee.

“What blood type is he?” Stark asked as he tilted his head in thought. Bruce looked up suddenly, his eyes brightened as he jumped on the same thought process.

“A,...... and Steve is O,....a universal donor!...... You think a blood transfusion with the Super Soldier serum could help his body recover from the damage?” Banner spoke in hast as he attacked the key board of one of the computers. “Jarvis run a speculative test of possible effects of a blood transfusion between sample CA12 and sample WS08.” Banner typed with speed as Stark nodded slowly watching the work via holographic projection of data from a different wing of the tower.

“Normally I would say the effects of a blood transfusion from Cap might lead to disaster for a normal human,..... Kind of like...” Tony did not have to finish the sentence as Bruce nodded interjecting.

“Like when Emil Blonsky used my blood samples and Steve’s..... the Abomination.” Banner nodded in agreement with Tony's uncertainty. “But your right that in this case,....if the serums are similar enough...

“Which... Oh my Good God they are!” Tony laughed clapping his hands.

“It just might work!” Bruce stood up after scanning Jarvis’ test results with a small smile and a deep breath. “Tony are you seeing this?” 

“10-4 good buddy!... Looks like we might be able to keep Frosty the tragic killer around after all.” Stark nodded with his own wide eyes and a twist of a smile. “I’ll send Red, White and Blue down right away!” Stark nodded and closed out his communication screen. Banner sighed again, feeling a breath of hope. He turned back toward the Soldier that even under sedation was restlessly moving, jerking as he mumbled in Russian a mixture of growls and whimpers escaping his lips.

“Hang in their Kid,... if you were even half the man Steve has told us you were,.... you can beat this,... we’re all pulling for you!!!!” Banner spoke with a sigh as he took a wet wash cloth and wiped down the feverish man who trembled at his touch. Within only a few moments Steve came rushing into the lab removing his hodie and rolling up his sleeve while walking with deliberate steps. He stopped right in front of his friend’s flesh arm attached to the IV.

“I’m ready!” The Captain exhaled, eyes wide and alert arm outstretched. Banner smiled softly at his egerness and pulled up a chair for Steve to sit in.

“I am not sure what Tony told you,... but this is not a sure thing Steve,... this is our best plan for the moment, and if it doesn’t work we will still try other ways of healing the damage,... just ..... lets not put all our eggs in one basket okay?” Bruce spoke calmly, understanding that like Steve they were hoping for the best but needed to plan for the worst. Captain Rogers nodded as the Doctor gently slid the transfusion needle connected to the tube into his arm. Steve then looked over toward Bucky who was still trembling and sweating, unconscious on the table next to him, face etched in pain as his chest rose and fell with shallow erratic breaths. Steve then looked up at the heart monitor and noticed the same erratic beats of Bucky’s heart. He swallowed down the fear of losing his friend and focused on this process working. If he could heal then so could Bucky. Already the bruises on his neck from the night before were fading and his ribs and wrist were less sore. Banner linked up the transfusion tube to the unconscious Soldier and with a sigh he and Steve both watched as the blood flowed from The Captain into the gravely ill Soldier. 

Sam walked into the lab silently and stood nearby watching. He had opted out of going with The Black Widow and Hawk Eye who had already headed out toward the secret S.H.I.E.L.D base where they were about to gather Intel in the least moral of ways. Stark was occupied with Jarvis on beefing up security and was explaining to his investors why the Avenger Tower was going to be temporarily closed to all public visitors. The lower two floors had been turned into a Museum, gift shop and restaurant after the invasion on New York created a huge public demand for all things Avenger’s. That left Sam to do the only thing he really could do at that moment,... be there for Steve. It was obvious to them all how hard The Captain was taking the most recent turn of events, but none of them had been by his side when he got out of the hospital and dedicated himself to finding and recovering the lethal man who had just put him there. Sam had agreed to help him with out request because he respected Steve’s desperate need to rescue his long lost friend, but if Sam was completely honest with himself,.. he had been doubtful from the beginning as to weather the Winter Soldier could ever really be the man Steve wanted, the best friend from his past. Sam sighed as he knew that if it had been his buddy’s face he saw under the mask he probably would have done the same thing and would be just as obsessed with finding him. 

Sam knew their history, hell, the whole world did. He had even studied their life stories in history class and in eighth grad they put on a play called Captain America and the Howling Commandos. For Sam to be here now, in the presence of the Avengers, in their “Club House” as Tony had called it, was beyond an honor or even a dream,... and yet the experience was tainted by the harsh reality of the situation. Sam had to find out the heard way that even Hero’s need to be saved sometimes and he knew with out an ounce of doubt that what had happened to Sargent James Buchanan Barnes was going to take more then a simple blood transfusion and a walk down memory lane to bring him back. Silently he watched and waited with Steve and Bruce as the blood flowed from one Super Soldier into another.


	7. Shake It Out

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE LYRICS

"Shake It Out"

Regrets collect like old friends  
Here to relive your darkest moments  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around 

 

Hawk Eye walked casually down the dimly lit corridor trailing The Black Widow and Fury as they headed toward Rumlow’s hospital room. Like Nat, he was completely indifferent about killing the rat bastard traitor having no love for Hydra whatsoever. In addition he felt particularly disgusted with this man as he had actually spent time with him on a few missions as had Natasha. It bothered him that he had not realized the guy was Hydra Scum from the get go and even more that Nat had been in situations with him watching her six. Clint suppressed a grimace at the thought of what could have happened while those two had been on a mission alone together. It wasn’t like she couldn’t take care of her self, and certainly never asked the man she frequently called Bird Brains to be her Knight in shining armor and yet he had always felt a kinship with her that drifted between lover and friend to brother and confidant, the lines never clearly drawn and boundaries left blurred, no definition needed. Neither of them lived in a world of black and white, right and wrong. For them it was a rainbow of grays and this comfortable understanding and acceptance of one another was what helped them deal with the not so nice parts of their individual and collective pasts. 

Clint looked up as they stopped outside of the door that was reenforced with high tech security, listening to the conversation between Nat and Fury.

“I got to say Natasha,... it makes me pretty uncomfortable to know that Hydra’s most lethal and sought after weapon, responsible for countless deaths and international crimes over the past century is just kicking back at the Avenger’s home base.... “Fury stated, his one eye giving her a serious look that demanded reassurance.

“If it makes you feel any better Fury... I am not exactly at ease with it either,... but Cap is pulling rank on this one,... and to be honest,... despite the blood on his hands,... I think the Winter Soldier... or at least the man he use to be, probably deserves a second chance a lot more then I ever did.” She stated with a matter of fact tone. “He was good,... and then Hydra turn him bad,... I started off bad.... and then had a change of heart.” Nat smirked at Barton who snickered back with a shake of his head.

“Nat you were always good,.... too good,... you just had the wrong people pulling your strings!” Clint interjected.

“And I suppose thats why you are also following Captain America’s lead on this,...identifying with the Winter Soldier’s whole..‘The Bad guys made me do it’... thing.” Fury questioned Hawk Eye with a cynical undertone.

“Common Fury,...you still holding a grudge,.... it’s been nearly over a month since the demise of all you have ever worked for!” Clint fired back with an unapologetic smile. “Surely you cant blame the Winter Soldier for that.”

“No,.... I blame the God Damn 1940‘s Boy scout for that!.... The Winter Soldier I blame for killing almost an entire squadron of my pilots.....Destroying my Bad Ass SUV and filling my chest with bullet holes!” Fury fired back.

“Hey,...” Natasha sighed as she patted his back with an understanding smile. “Your not the only one sporting scars from the Zombie Assassin.... But Live and let Live Director,.... life's too short to stay all mad and grouchy!..... Besides....” She turned toward the thin window on the door and her expression turned hard as she stared at Rumlow. “The Soldier was just a weapon,...I am more interested in the men that helped pulled his trigger!” She stated with an icy tone. Fury sighed and shook his head.

“Yeah alright,... Go ahead,... just don’t kill him... I got a feeling this Mother Fucker has got all kinds of interesting shit in that melted little head of his!” Nick Fury gritted his teeth as he shook his head again. “Still cant believe I let that man lead a Strike team of Hydra operatives with S.H.I.E.L.D clearance for almost 10 years!” He spat in disbelief.

“Well,... at least you didn’t sleep with him!” Nat fired back not turning to see the look of shock and disbelief on the two men’s faces as she punched in the code and opened the door stepping inside. Hawk Eye rubbed his face and shook his head.

“I really did not need to hear that!” He griped with an annoyed glare at the back of her head as she sauntered up to the burned man’s bed. Fury patted him on the back.

“That woman never ceases to amaze me!” Fury sighed before turning to leave. “We’re recording the investigation.” He stated as he retreated down the hall.

“Wouldn’t think other wise Sir!” Clint replied, eyes still staring at Nat. He was truly amazed how much he could hate and love her at the same time. With one more sigh he entered the room and hopped up in a chair perched, fixing Nat with a nasty glare. She looked back at him and rolled her eyes.

“Oh please, as if you haven't ever slept with anyone and had regrets!” She huffed as she with drew the IV containing the Morphine from Rumlow’s arm, his entire body wrapped in bandages.

“I never tell you about it!” Clint spat in defense. She cocked an eyebrow.

“No,... your not one much for words,... in fact, you’d much rather just not answer any calls so that I have to track your sorry ass down only to find you naked in bed with,....hmmmm,... how many French prostitutes?” She made a show of trying to remember and count on her fingers.

“Hey!.... They were Can Can dancers,... and I was under cover on a mission,... and tied to the bed.” He started off strong but mumbled the latter statement as he rubbed his head. 

“Yup,....DEEP undercover!” She replied nodding with mock sincerity.

“Point taken!.... So how are we gonna wake up the crispy critter?” Hawk Eye stood and sauntered over toward her. She turned and smiled at him with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

“I have an idea.” She chuckled as she pulled him toward her and kissed him hard as they fell back on top of the unconscious man who let out a muffled groan in pain. 

Clint rose up slightly and smirked shaking his head. “You know,... you are one of the most demented, twisted women I have ever met!” He kissed her again and as he did he leaned in, his weight on his elbow that was purposely planted in Rumlow’s sternum. The pressure on the painful spot woke him up from his morphine induced slumber with a cry. “Oh,.... hey there good pal,... welcome back to the world of the living!” Hawk Eye spoke with mock friendliness as he stood, Nat shifting as she remained seated on the bed but leaned casually across Rumlow’s mid section lazily withdrawing a syringe from her utility belt.

“What,..... Who’s there...... Where,...where am I ?” The Hydra Strike team captain asked with gasping breaths, becoming aware of his pain filled body.

“My,... My,... so many questions... Well I suppose it’s only fair..... Tell ya what,.... I will answer your questions,.....” She injected the syringe of truth serum into his IV. “And then you can answer mine!” Her tone, Like Hawk Eye’s was sweet and chipper. “What,....well some would call this an interrogation but since the Who is just your fellow S.H.I.E.L.D agents The Black Widow and Hawk Eye, we will call it a friendly little chat!.... The Where is a little more complicated so I think it’s best to say you are safely tucked away,.... were no one will ever find you,.... or hear you scream and beg for mercy like the despicable traitor and Hydra piece of filth we know you are!” Her tone went from friendly to stone cold as she stood next to Hawk Eye who looked at her with another smirk.

“I...I don’t know what your talking about....” He croaked, the pain from the lack of Morphine growing and spreading through his badly burned body.

“Oh,... come on Rumlow,.... be proud of your self,... lets hear all about the fun and fulfilling adventures of the Hydra secret agent who managed to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D!....I am sure you have so much to tell us!” Hawk Eye mocked as he again leaned in, this time needling his knuckles into the burned man’s rib cage. Rumlow hissed in pain and grunted.

“Ya know,... Fury’s men have sooo many questions for you and this serum should be kicking in right about now as that Morphine is loosing it’s blissful effects and since we don’t have all damn day how about you just tell us every thing you know about The Winter Soldier, or The Fist of Hydra as I have heard you nut jobs call him.” Natasha spoke direct to the point.

“He’s.....He’s a weapon.....” Rumlow sputtered, the pain obvious in his voice.

“Well no shit Sherlock!.... Where are the files about his training and conditioning?” Her sarcasm gave way to a more precise directive, knowing that the serum would make it impossible for him to lie.

“I,....I don’t know....” He painted, groaning in pain.

“Okay,... were did you take him in between missions?” She asked changing her tactic, aware that the Strike team Captain might not actually be in the know of the documentation and record keeping side of the operation.

“A Bunker,....under ground bank vault,..... abandoned.” Rumlow’s voice shook with the effort of breathing.

“Are there still Hydra agents there?” The Black Widow questioned with intensity.

“Not sure,.....maybe!” He cried out.

“Located where?” She questioned.

“Outside D.C,....under,... vacant strip mall,...slums....” Rumlow’s voice pitched as he gasped in pain.

“Coordinates?” She demanded.

“N 41.696....... W 12.934......” He gasped again.” Please,....please...” He rose one hand reaching toward them.

“Mercy?.... is that what your looking for?” Clint leaned in with a violent tone. Natasha got up and let him say his piece as she programmed the coordinates into her GPS and forwarded them to Stark. “Do you think the Winter Soldier ever asked for Mercy?” Client hissed as he leaned down menacingly over his face.

“He...was...just... a weapon,....just....followed orders,..... no thoughts,..... no feelings.” Rumlow sounded pitiful now, his voice choked with desperate pain.

“No pain?.... He never suffered from what Hydra did to him?” Hawk Eye spat,... his words reflecting his own personal feelings of anger after he was turned into Loki’s mindless weapon, only able to follow orders with out regard for the carnage he caused.

“He.... is.... empty....they erased him,.... made him a machine.....But.... I didn’t hurt him.... Pierce...was his Handler!” Rumlow sputtered, delirious from the pain and truth serum and perhaps his own guilty conscious bleeding through his carefully constructed denial that the Winter Soldier was actually a tortured prisoner they forced to kill on command.

“Oh,...so you were the kind, cuddly type of master,..... Did you pat him on the head and tell him ‘Good Boy’ after he slaughtered countless innocent people in the name of Hydra?..... And how about them?.... Do you think they ever begged for Mercy?” Clint’s voice rose an octave as he slammed his fist down on the man’s chest who let out a haggard cry, body shaking with pain. Natasha could hear the frustration and anger in Clint’s voice and knew that he was still dealing with his own emotional trauma from his brief but bloody time spent with his mind hijacked by Loki. With a calm hand Natasha touched his back gently.

“Common Barton,.... we got what we came here for.” Her tone was direct but soothing and non confrontational. Hawk eye was breathing hard and hadn’t realized how caught up in his own feelings he had gotten. He stood up and took a deep breath.

“Yer right Nat,.... Lets leave this pathetic piece of shit to suffer,.... Show him the mercy he so graciously handed out to others..... After all he’s just a Hydra pon,.... no thoughts or feelings of his own!” Hawk Eye smirked again as he turned away.

Natasha leaned down and whispered close to the man’s ear. 

“By the way,.... Size dose matter!” She whispered with a smile. 

As she stood to go she heard Barton in the hallway muttering.   
“I heard that!” He complained. 

Rumlow shook in relentless agony as in walked two different agents who greeted him with cold nods. He knew that their was no end in sight and even more that he probably deserved it.


	8. Little Lion Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in the middle of this Chapter we get another glimpse of nightmare/memory as the unconscious Winter Soldier begins to remember how he was created by Hydra.

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Little Lion Man"

Weep for yourself, my man,  
You'll never be what is in your heart  
Weep, little lion man,  
You're not as brave as you were at the start  
Rate yourself and rake yourself  
Take all the courage you have left  
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine  
And it was your heart on the line  
I really fucked it up this time  
Didn't I, my dear?  
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,  
You know that you have seen this all before  
Tremble, little lion man,  
You'll never settle any of your scores  
Your grace is wasted in your face,  
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck  
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine  
And it was your heart on the line  
I really fucked it up this time  
Didn't I, my dear? 

It was late evening when the Black Widow and Hawk eye returned to The Avenger’s tower, instantly greeted by Jarvis who insisted they have their DNA scanned as well as their finger prints and Retinas as part of the new security procedures. Begrudgingly they obliged and were allowed into the building greeted by one of Tony’s unmanned Iron Man Units that connected to his own live video feed and intercom.

“Halt,.... who goes there!” The Iron Man suit stepped out of the elevator in front of the annoyed S.H.I.E.L.D agents, Tony’s voice was sounding dramatic and deep for effect.

“Simon and Garfunkel!” Clint rolled his eyes with a sigh.

“We are secret Hydra agents here to steal all of your vintage one of a kind chop shop motor Bull shit you keep in the vault on the fifth floor!” Natasha responded with a hand on her hip. The Iron Man suite lowered his arm and tilted his head to the side.

“You know about that Vault?.... What,.... have you been casing the Joint while I am out?!” Tony’s voice sounded surprised and a little disconcerted. She shook her head rolling her eyes as She and Burton stepped inside the elevator the Iron Man suite remaining on the ground level for security. 

“No,.... I do it while your here,... thats how oblivious you are Stark!” She snickered as she spoke loudly in the elevator, a screen flickered on and a skeptical Tony Stark appeared on the monitor.  
“Lovely,... I knew there was a reason I kept you and Legolas around!” He mused with a glare. “Anywho I have researched the Coordinates you sent and created a super cool Three D Blue print that actually monitors real time heat signatures and it looks like there are in fact still some cockroaches crawling around under ground,..... so how about you lovely people join me in the conference room for some Chinese take out that just got dropped off and we will get the Falcon, Bruce and Captain Candle Light Vigil to join us for a little chat about gathering this intel and kicking some Hydra ass while we’re at it!” Tony smiled cheerfully as he saluted before the screen cut out. Hawk eye smirked.

“Sounds like Steve has been in the lab this whole time.” He stated in contemplation.

“All the more reason why we gotta get him out there busting heads,... let off some of that steam... This has been harder on him then I thought.” Natasha answered back and received a nod as they excited the evaluator.

...........................................................................................................

Else where in the multi floor tower, Steve sat hunched over in a chair next to Bucky, both hands holding onto the cold and clammy palm of his Friends right hand that twitched with spasms like the rest of his body, muscle constricting with painful whimpers from the unconscious Soldier. Sam walked up to him and placed a comforting hand on Steve’s shoulder, receiving a nod from Bruce who turned in his direction then went back to analyzing the results of his most recent assessment.

“Any change?” Sam asked the two men as he gazed down at the Winter Soldier who despite heavy sedation was battling his unconscious hell with a face covered in sweat and contorted in pain as his body shook and trembled, lips moving as mumbled Russian escaped his raw throat, worn from screaming for what seemed an eternity earlier that afternoon after the third Blood Transfusion. Bruce had insisted that he needed to remain sedated and that the healing from the blood transfusion was negating the effects of the sedative and that despite Steve’s desperate pleading, no more blood should be given for the day.

“Sort of,.... He stopped Screaming a few hours ago....” Steve’s voice sounded strained to himself and brimming with emotion. He gazed upon his friend with such heart ache and sadness that it hurt to look at his anguished expression.

“Actually,....” Bruce stood up adjusting his glasses with a slight smile, his tone drawling the two other men’s attention both with expression’s of hope. “.... According to the most recent medical assessment, Jarvis and I agree that his Blood work shows a merging between your enhanced Cells and his own,... His fever has decreased from 105 to 102 and his heart beat is less erratic,.... lungs regaining their ability to fully inflate,.... and whats really interesting is his brain mapping.” Bruce looked over to another screen that had an image of Bucky’s brain displayed. “There are synapses that are slowly regrowing and attaching,...” Banner nodded with enthusiasm.

“So,... his memory?..... Will he...?” Steve stuttered on his words, unable to hide his need and desperate hope.

“Well,....It just means he will soon be able to form and maintain his Episodic memory while hopefully gaining access to his Autobiographical memories.” Bruce studied the brain image with a shake of his head. “I am astonished that somehow the monsters that call them selves doctors at Hydra have managed to target specific area’s of his long term, personal memory while managing to maintain his Semantic and Implicit memory!” He mused before turning to look at Steve who clearly were not certain of the language while Sam gave a thoughtful nod. “Basically they didn’t whip his mind so much as burn up the connections linking his current cognitive self awareness to his past memory of who he is, his Autobiographical memory, and used what ever,... I am assuming ECT based process to temporarily erase his short term memories, Episodic, yet the programing, the conditioning and tactical knowledge they kept intact.... It would be impressive if it wasn’t so despicable!” Bruce summarized.

“So,....he will remember?” Steve asked again still unsure even after the explanation. Banner smiled and pat him on the back. 

“Physiologically speaking,....yes,.... it will be possible but..... Psychologically there is no telling what mental barriers he has in place keeping him from remembering who he really is...... But over all Steve this is good,.... great in fact!” Banner nodded in reassurance and set down his paper work. Steve could not suppress the small smile that graced his lips as he sighed and looked down at Bucky, Sam clapping him on the back.

“Will he be okay for a bit?..... Hawk Eye and The Black Widow are back and Stark asked us to join them in the conference room.” Sam asked, feeling like more of an errand boy then anything else at the moment, wishing he could be more useful.

“He should be fine, there are camera's monitoring the Lab and Jarvis will inform me if there is any major change.” Banner nodded.

“You guys go ahead,... I am gonna stay here with Buck.” Steve stated, eyes still focused on the familiar face that looked so different now, scruffy chin and long hair framing a troubled frown and trembling lips. With out a moment of pause a very loud and present voice boomed over the speaker system.

“Uh Nope!..... Sorry Captain Crunch but this is a mandatory Avengers Assemble kinda invite,.... I got Chinese take out from my favorite place this side of Beijing and we all need to get updated on how our day has gone and discuss our next move against the two headed neo-Nazis!...... Plus Jarvis told me that you haven’t eaten a bite since you’ve been here!....Everybody common up!..... Dinner’s ready!” Tony did not leave room for argument and after a bit more prodding from Sam and reassurance from Bruce, Steve reluctantly complied and the three took off for the conference room. Left behind, an unconscious Winter Soldier was locked in dream land were every moment brought on remembered hell.

.........................................................................................................

He was naked crouched in a small cement room, dried blood on the walls and floor. It was dark and cold, the only sound was his ragged breathing. The captive prisoner did not know his name, who he was or where he was. His only knowledge was that the men who locked him here would be back. They had told him he was being punished for disobeying but he wasn’t sure what he had done. His only memory was of being dragged from a chair, his body convulsing as his muscles cramped and nausea griped his empty stomach, his vision blurred with a head ache that felt as through his brain was on fire. He was dragged by two men, one holding each arm and four more men who carried guns. They brought him to the cell and dumped him inside. He had laid they quietly shaking, unable to control his motor skills, brain confused and disoriented.

He had no knowledge of how much time passed but he had gained enough control to sit up and crawl to the conner of the room. He was scared and confused and cold, so incredibly cold but, despite all of this he had a feeling, an underling resiliency and willingness to try to escape, to fight back and survive. It was all he had really. The unknown man had two options  
as far as his unfocused and pain fiiled mind could reason. Either he could collapse into a crying ball of nothing, and except this truly terrible and yet unknown fate or he could try to escape and figure out the details of who he was later. He knew for some reason that he was a fighter and perhaps that was why they were punishing him,... but he could not bring any memories up to confirm his feelings so instead of dwelling on it he knew that he had to do what ever he could.

A door opened and a man stood by the open door with a large gun. The prisoner squinted into the light from the hall way, his dirty,mess of hair in front of his eyes not long enough to tuck behind his ears. The man with the gun said nothing, just stood by the open door off to the side. Slowly, with uncertainty the man who knew nothing stood up on shaky legs and ambled toward the door way, each step tentative and his breath tight in his chest. He was prepared to attack the man with the gun, to strike him in the throat or just snap his neck. It made him feel slightly ill that while he did not know were he was or who he was he knew with certainty how to kill this man with out him screaming. He stopped when he got to the door and on wavering legs he looked to the man with the gun who simply stood strait, his eyes not even directed toward the captive.  
The prisoner took a step into the hall way and looked at the man with a puzzled and confused face, not sure if he should kill him and take the gun. As if on que, the Guard looked at him and pointed the weapon.

“Run now if you are going to escape or I will shoot you here!” The man shouted in Russian, a language he had difficulty understanding but grasped in context. Still confused and feeling as though it was a trap he stumbled away, moving as quickly as he could on his aching legs. He was leaning heavily on the wall as he navigated the endless bright hall ways,. his blood pounding in his ears as he battled with his thoughts and feelings. His gut warned him that this was a trap, that even with out the specific memory he had tried to do this before but his mind begged him to at least try to escape from this hell and get to freedom. Inside his vacant mind a voice called out defiantly and urged him on. ‘Better to die fighting for freedom then live as a beaten dog!’ He kept moving forward even through the corridor felt never ending and his body could barely support him. As he got to the end he found a door and with his remaining strength he pushed it open.

He let out a cry of relief as he was suddenly outside, surrounded by trees, deep in a forest. It was cold out, patches of snow covered the frozen ground but he did not stop, his bare feet moved him on. He realized numbly that he was naked but could not care because he was so focused on getting away, on being free. He looked down at his arm and a violent tremor rain through him at the sight of the metal. He almost stopped in amazement and panic at the metal appendage that he could not see in the dark of his cell but assumed had to have been on him before he was put in the painful chair that eats memories. He kept moving though and knew that he could not stop.

His cry of freedom and his relief was short lived how ever when he had gotten less then a mile away before being suddenly aware that he was surrounded. He didn’t see them but he knew they were there, knew that they were watching him. He felt his breath panic as he whirled around in confusion, and anger and desperation. He was surrounded but they stayed hidden and he knew, he knew that this had been a trap, a sick game they were playing with him and he felt the knowledge of this same crushing disappointment and fear and helplessness and with out conscious thought he fell to his hands and knees with an anguished cry of defeat. He slammed the metal fist on the ground and covered his face with his flesh hand aware that they had recognized his defeat, and the game was over, they had won again and the unknown man wondered with despair how many times they had played this game with him, and what was his punishment for loosing?

 

The man with no name curled in on him self and shivered in the evening, winter air, his adrenaline dissipating as his bone aching weariness set in. They were closing in on him, the men in black with guns drawn, they were every where, walking toward him slowly with guns aimed. One pair of boots did not walk slowly or with deliberate causation. The black combat boots walked directly up to him and delivered a swift kick that connected under his jaw sending him backwards. The prisoner scrabbled backwards spitting out blood as he brought his arms up to defend his face. The man with the boots marched up and with one large hand grabbed the unknown man by his hair yanking him so hard that he held him up on to his knees.

The prisoner let out a pitiful sob as the man barked at him in Russian, bringing his other hand down to strike him across his face hard. He shook him by his hair, the prisoner’s hands clasping onto the man’s hands in instinct. He felt other’s upon him suddenly yanking his arms behind his back with enough force that his right shoulder dislocated from the socket with a loud wet pop as he hissed in pain. They placed his hands in large metal restraints locked tight behind his back. He locked his jaw to keep his sobs silent as another rough pair of hands placed the black muzzle over his face. He did not struggled but closed his eyes tight against his current reality. Somehow he knew that this was all just their way of breaking him, of giving him false hope just to take it away.

“You are Hydra’s property,.... Escape is not an option,..... you have no where to go,.... you belong to Hydra now and for ever!..... You will be punished for you obstinacy and your defiance!” The man spoke with a tempered anger, almost as if he was reciting a line, as if he had already said these words before and he was not so much angered by the prisoner’s predictable attempt to flee but annoyed by it and his unwillingness to give up and accept his fate. “Teach him his lesson!” The man sighed with a snort and he threw the prisoner to the ground and stepped back. With in a few seconds the men around him closed in and began stomping him and kicking him viciously. He kept his eyes closed and tried to hid his face in the dirt and leaves gasping as he felt ribs crack and bones break in his battered body. He did not resist, did not fight back, there was no where to hid, he was Hydra’s and he was being punished for his stupidity and arrogance that he should want to be free.  
...........................................................................................................

Steve sat at the conference table with the other Avengers trying to focus his attention on the holographic Blue print Stark had pulled up, watching the heat signatures of countless Hydra pons walking around the underground base that was located at the Coordinates Clint and Natasha had acquired from Rumlow. Tony had updated all present of the heightened security and Bruce had already given them a medical status report, the optimism was welcomed but short lived as they took in the security and other factors that would be problematic with the upcoming mission.

“The way I see it if we go in there guns blazing we risk them destroying the intel before we can get our hands on it!” Stark mused, “ And I would really like to get my hands on their tec as well!” He added as a side note.

“Then let me go in their covertly with a face alternator, mask who I am. I can slip in with a jump drive and upload all their files immediately and then you guys come down and break some skulls!” Natasha offered.

“Not to sound sexist but,.... what if they don’t have any female employees?” Sam asked receiving a thoughtful expression from Stark.

“Hmmm,... Jarvis, can you isolate the chromosomes or do something to decipher the sex of these heat signatures?” Tony asked not even sure if it was possible.

No sir,...... I can not. There was a pause as they all contemplated the best way to proceed.

“Well,........ OWWWW WAIT! I got it! Lets do a an electronic freeze right before we crash the party and then no egg heads or Tech guys can destroy the data while were kicking their asses!” Stark exclaimed happily.

“A what?” Sam asked, still blown away by the talented and fully loaded minds around him who had more resources and know how then any branch of the armed forces.

“A freeze!.... I invented this device that basically freeze’s all technology and puts a temporary access code attached so that no one can shut it down or erase it unless they hack into my hack which takes a lot more time then we will give them!” Tony bragged, excited to use one of his gadgets.

“So you just set it off remotely and then we will all storm in, take out the Hydra low lifes and jack all their stuff? Barton smiled and nodded his consent to the plan.

“We don’t all need to go,... It’s unnecessary risking lives if we don’t have to”. Steve stated quietly.

“Well I am gonna stay here with my patient,.... This isn’t a mission were my abilities will come in handy,... the Hulk smashes,... not so much on the gathering intel.” Bruce concluded receiving multiple nods.

“With that same line of reasoning Sam, I don’t think you should go.” Captain America spoke frankly.

“Wait,.... What do you mean?!?!?” The new recruit demanded. Steve sighed and gave him a slight smile and shake of his head. He appreciated Sam’s desire to help out and be part of the team but Steve felt tremendous guilt weighing on him for letting Hydra get there hands on Bucky and he really didn’t want to put Sam in harms way if he could avoid it.

“Well there is no use for wings in an underground base.” Steve shrugged.

“ But if the four of us go in,.... You and Me knocking em down, Birdie will watch the spider’s back wile she steals the files and then Flyboy can be with the jet keeping a look out in case more bad guys show up!” Stark suggested and the others all nodded. Steve sighed again but agreed, suppressing his gut wrenching feelings of guilt. All that was left to do was hash out some details and the mission was set for mid-night with the reasoning that it was likely the time when guards would be switching duty even though who knew with Hydra. 

Steve ate his food in silence as he watched the intercom screen that had a camera in the lab. Steve ate slowly, his sad eyes focused on Bucky as the man shook and moaned. Despite the pleasant banter between the others silence soon dominated as they could not help but look at Steve and his pained expression as the guilt tuned his lips into a bitter frown, eyes so remorseful. Finally Natasha cleared her throat and got his attention, the other’s all turned to her as well.

“Tell us about him Steve!” Natasha stated with a friendly and gentle smile. He looked at her with confusion.

“What....... You mean about Bucky?” Steve asked unsure.

“Yeah, I mean we all know the legends and stories,..... the stuff in the history books but what was he really like,.... why was he your best friend?...... The more we know about him the more we can help him remember who he really is right?” She reasoned. Sam nodded with a smile as he ate, Natasha was smart, she used her value of information as a way to bring Steve out of his self destructive thoughts and helped redirect him on what was most important. Sam admired her ability to subtly manipulate the situation with such an easy and calm, non threatening demeanor. Steve took another bite and swallowed then turning back to the screen his lips smirked as he began to speak.

“Bucky Barns was one of the most social and down to earth men I ever had the pleasure to know.....” His voice trembled only slightly and he looked back at her with eyes that remembered with a found smile. “Our mom’s were nurses together and his dad worked at a car factory...... He used to take us to the shop and we’d play in cars that were the first of their kind makes and models..... Bucky loved Cars!” Steve laughed and looked at Tony. “ I can guarantee when he see’s your collection he is gonna freak out!” Steve smiled and Stark nodded.

“Good,.... I like a man who can appreciate what’s under the hood of my custom built jobs!” Stark smiled with a mock cheers as he held up his glass.

“Go on,... tell us more Steve.” Sam smiled exchanging a look with Nat, a knowing smile.

“Well......our mom’s would take us out every where together.... I was actually 6 months old when he was born,... which is why it always pissed me off that he was so much bigger and stronger then me..... He was so popular in school, every one’s pal and all the dams loved him,...he would constantly drag me out on double dates and end up with both girls on either arm and I would just make up some lame excuse so I could cut out early. He never rubbed it in though and if a girl ever said anything nasty to me or made me feel like a looser he would jump right in and tell her off,....” Steve chuckled as he shook his head. “He would tell me, ‘Stevie those broads and just half witted,.... they cant see what a great guy you are cuze their brains can’t even recognize what makes a real man!” Steve smiled at the memory.

“He was always defending me,... sticking up for me.... I must have had a kick me sign on my back because I spent my entire life getting in fights with every bully in Brooklyn.... Use to piss him off too because he’d end up with a black eye, carrying me home and then have to explain it to our Mom’s. Bucky’s Dad would be proud of him through,... He’d tell us that we were brother’s and that we had to look out for each other...But usually it would always be him saving my neck and me acting like I didn’t need his help......” Steve’s voice faltered as did his smile, eyes cast down and gaze growing distant as he turned back to the screen.

“Thats why it was so.......” He shook his head unable to find the right words. He paused for a moment. “When I found him strapped to that metal table,.... surrounded by medical equipment in that POW Hydra facility......” Steve’s face once again was grimacing. “ He was mumbling his name rank and id number like,...... like he was struggling to remember him self.... Even then..... before he fell from the train, Zola had already been messing with his head!” Steve sighed and rubbed his eyes. “The doctor’s stated he was fit for duty,.... But I could tell something was different..... His stamina was greater then the other guys but not as long as mine,.... he seemed stronger and even though he had always been a good sniper before, it was like he never missed,.... and he didn’t even bat an eye when some Hydra scum caught him with a knife on his arm,... he said he could barely feel the cut and it healed with out infection way quicker then it should have!”

Steve sighed again shaking his head. In retrospect the signs were all there during the war, during the countless oops he and the Commandos went on against Hydra. 

“I should have known he survived that fall!...... I should have looked for him.... “ Steve slammed his fist on the table and the other’s all jumped startled.

“Hey Cap,... with all do respect,... dwelling on what you would-a, could-a should-a done,.... doesn't do a damn bit of good for that Man down there.... Shit happens!..... You were frozen on Ice for 70 years,..... Now your back,..... and now you get to save him again,..... be the one fighting back for him!” Hawk Eye spoke plainly and to the point, understanding regret,. remorse and guilt better then some.

“He’s right Steve!.... No point beating your self up over something you can’t change,.... whats important is acting now,... being proactive and reclaiming that man that Hydra tried to destroy.” Sam agreed and also had to reconcile his own feelings of guilt. “ I know what I said before,.... doubting if Bucky could be saved,.... but the fact that the guy was able to go against years of brainwashed conditioning and save your life even after filling you with Bullet holes?.....I ain’t saying it will be easy,.... we defiantly have our work cut out for his but,....Bucky will find his way home!” Sam reassured receiving a soft smile and thankful nod of recognition from Steve. They finished their meal and with great resistance Steve agreed to take a power nap, after Natasha stated that he was obviously exhausted from the past month of recovering, and searching for Bucky let alone the lack of sleep the night before. Bruce promised he would be in the lab and would wake Steve if there was any significant change. Stark went to his own workspace to tweak one of his suites for the mission and Sam went with him at the offer of a new pair of wings he already had his bots constructing. Clint and Natasha went to relax for a bit on the balcony. As Steve laid down in the Bed room with a newly constructed door to the other room he let his eyes drift shut, thankful that he would get a second chance to save his best friends life.


	9. Fade to Black

Metallica – Fade To Black 

 

Life it seems to fade away  
Drifting further everyday  
Getting lost within myself  
Nothing matters no one else  
I have lost the will to live   
Simply nothing more to give  
There is nothing more for me  
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be   
Missing one inside of me  
Deathly loss this can't be real  
Cannot stand this hell I feel  
Emptiness is filling me   
To the point of agony  
Growing darkness taking dawn  
I was me but now, he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late  
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed  
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye  
Goodbye

The Asset, the Weapon, the Soldier those were the words they called him but not his name, he had no name. He stood ridged in the stone cell, knife in his hand. He was wearing pants and boots but no shit, he had to earn his clothing by following orders and obeying his Handlers. They were watching him from another room through glass. They could see him but he could not see them. He held the knife tight in his hand and worked on controlling his breathing. His heart was beating loud in his ears but not loud enough to drown out the pitiful cries of the woman who clutched a small child to her chest with one hand and held the other up in defense, her eyes wide and panicked and desperate. He knew her eyes, knew those feelings because they were his own. He had already killed two men, one young and one old. That was how he earned his pants and boots. He knew that this woman and her small child were worth more then a shirt,.... he knew that life was worth more then possessions. He didn’t really care about the cloths,.... he just knew he had no choice. He looked at them hard as he bit his lip, his eyes closed and he let out a deep breath. He did not want to kill, but what he wanted was irrelevant... If he refused he would be punished and the woman and child would die anyway...

“Soldier,...you know your orders!” The voice was a harsh Russian bark, it belonged to the man who was in charge of his training and his punishments. The man’s tone was dangerous, promising pain if he refused to comply. He felt nauseous as the Woman began rocking back and forth crying as she mumbled prayers in Russian, her child was crying now too and the noise was intense and made him want to scream. He felt him self backing away from their cries, his legs shaking as his chest constricted.

“Soldier,.... complete your mission,.... terminate the targets!” The Russian trainer growled and he could picture the man’s face, cruel eyes gleaming as he savagely tortured him with batons and whips and cattle prods. He knew there was no escape and that he had no choice but to follow orders, freedom was not even a concept he understood anymore and yet killing these people felt so incredibly wrong. He let out his own cry of pain and anger and desperation as he did the only thing he could, the only act of defiance left to him. With enough force to cut to the bone he slit his flesh wrist vertical almost to his elbow. The sudden pain and gush of red was welcomed relief from the internal chaos and the constant crying. The woman had stopped with a gasp as he crumpled to the floor his glazed eyes locking with hers. He was breathing slowly, calmly as his eyes showed a sense of relief, hers, one of deep compassion and despair. With a trembling hand she drew a cross in the air in his direction before the door flew open. The Soldier’s eyes were heavy but right before they drifted shut he heard the woman scream and saw two bullets point blank, one for her and one for the child. He knew he could not save them, so he tried to save him self,....... he tried.

............................................................................................................................................

Steve gripped his shield and sat stiff in the plan seat as Jarvis flew them toward the Hydra base. He had barely slept, but the moment his unconscious mind had began to dream he was back in Austria, clinging to the side of the train, arm outstretched toward Bucky. He watched him fall, but not to his death. He watched as he slammed against rocks, his arm torn to pieces, cries of pain echoing off the mountain sides before he landed hard in the snow. He watched as Bucky lay shivering and bleeding in the late evening chill of the frozen wilderness, crying Steve’s name for help. Then a dark shadow descended and Bucky’s eyes grew wide and panicked. 

“Cap,... you ready?” Sam asked the man who was deep in thought. Steve Jerked his head up and shook the last fragments of his nightmare from his mind’s eye.

“Yes.” He offered a one word answer but it was stated with such conviction that Sam simply nodded. They walked to the front of the Jet joining the others. Ironman was already suited up as were the Black Widow and Hawk Eye, checking their weapons and adjusting their spare ammunition. They nodded at the Captain, waiting to see if he was going to take the lead. With a nod in recognition he narrowed his eyes and let out a sigh before speaking with leadership and command of the situation.

“Alright, we go in stealth from the drop zone,... Tony will activate the Freeze and that gives us approximately 30 minutes to get in and find their electronic files.....If this base is like the other’s there will be self detonators that count down from five minutes..... Tony.... will the Freeze keep those from going off?” Steve questioned.

“Yea but once they hack the Freeze,...... that means we will have 5 minutes to make it out of that rat trap of a maze!” Ironman pulled up the three Dimensional blue print as they each took a final glance at it.

“Sam, we need you to be our time keeper,.....give us a heads up on every 5 once the freeze is activated.” Steve pointed and received a yes sir with a slight smile.

“Natasha you......” The Captain started but was cut off with a quick kiss to the cheek.

“Clint and I follow you and bolts for brains....” She smirked.

“Hey!” Stark remarked.

“......Into the base and split off at the second corridor that leads to what looks like a computer lab.” She smiled sweetly. Steve nodded.

“Constant communication,.....take no chances and minimal risks!” The Captain added.

“Yes dad!” Clint rolled his eyes as the plan landed.

“Cloaking devices activated........ now,. lets go!” Stark flew out first followed on foot by the other Avengers. Sam tuned on his wings and his night vision googles, soaring into the air above the tree line as he watched his new friends closing distance toward the abandoned strip mall that was covered in graffiti and broken glass.

“Coast is clear on the parameter.” Sam spoke into the radio head set.

“Good!.... Were going in hot!” Captain America confirmed as he nodded to Ironman.

“Freeze set in 5,..4...3...2...1.” They headed striate for the back doors were they knew the hidden entrance was inside a janitor’s closet. With an unpracticed fluidity, Ironman and Captain America descended into the chaotic frenzy of Hydra soldiers and technicians who had just realized that all of their technology had stopped working right after an unknown plane had landed near their door step. 

Bullets flew, repulsers blew, arrows shot and Steve’s shield bounced around the Hydra base smashing skulls and breaking bones. Three of the four Avenger’s fought with trained restraint while The Captain unleashed a deadly rage that was almost frightening to witness. Natasha and Clint peeled off on their part of the mission feeling confident and sure footed until they passed a room with the Cryo-tank and a metal table with restraints. Natasha paused for only a moment, Hawk Eye stopping next to her his arms still aiming his bow down the hall. He glance into the room to see what she was looking at and felt his jaw clench.

“Common!” He spoke softly but with a stern tone. She nodded but said nothing, turning away and continuing down the hall with controlled urgency as Sam’s voice gave the 20 minute countdown. As they rounded another corner Natasha opened fire, shooting three men in white lab coats. The S.H.I.E,L.D agents quickly descended upon them as two of the Men hastily shoved pills in there mouths and bit down, their bodies convulsing as they foamed at the mouth. Natasha launched her self at the Third, wrestling the capsule out of his hand before punching him hard in the jaw.

“Where are your electronic files on the on the Winter Soldier?!” Natasha fumed as the man shook his head, eyes wide and terrified, not of her and not of death,....but of what would happen if he told her.

“God I hate these fucking pathetic Hydra drones!” Hawk Eye wined as he stood above the two shaking his head. Natasha smiled down with a trained expression, one of tolerance and compassion. She gently stroked the man’s face. then she pointed to the room that he had come from and he nodded, eyes still wide with shock and unspoken horror. She nodded back and then punched him again knocking him out. Carefully she stood with her back against the wall, guns ready, Hawk Eye followed her lead blow and arrow steady, pressed against the wall. They had done this dance before, and knew it well. In one movement Nat turned crouching low with two guns out, Hawk Eye above her with two arrow's pointing out at 10 and 2. A man in a white lab coat was frantkcly trying to type on a frozen key board that would not respond. There where several screens around him and on each was a cartoon image of Ironman flicking him off. He tuned with a panicked expression as the two agents entered the room side by side. Before they could speak the coward crushed the pill and sank to the floor foaming at his mouth.

“Again,....so unnecessary!” Clint shook his head in disgust as he turned back toward the door to stand guard. Natasha just shrugged and put away her guns.

“Well they do make it easier for us when they just kill themselves!” She muttered as she stepped over the dead man and quickly typed in the access code Tony had created, smirking as the carton Iron man changed his hand to a thumbs up and strutted off the screen. Instantly all of the screens sprang to life and she shoved three zip drives into the modems.

“”We got 15 minutes till the Freeze ends..... How you doing Black Widow?” Sam asked over the radio.

“Doing splendid Falcon, just accessing files now.” She spoke as she typed rapidly searching the data base.

“Hey,.... dose there look like theres anything cool or wired I could take back?” Stark asked with the roar of battle behind him. Natasha glanced around.

“Not in here, just computers.” Natasha stated as she found the files and blinked in surprise.

“Jesh,.... Hydra defiantly kept records,.... digital files, medical charts from past missions, protocol for re-programing, and videos,.... God, like 12 hours of them labeled as case examples, conditioning, training,.. maintenance and control.... Looks like we hit the jack pot boys!” She smirked as the files rapidly up loaded.

“Cool, we’re coming to you, just about done here!” Stark grunted as he blasted another Hydra operative.

“Uh, Nat,... should Steve see that stuff in the other room?” Clint asked over his shoulder. She turned to him with a pensive expression.

“He’s a big boy.” Was all she said and turned back toward the screen. She looked over and saw that their was a glass window on the wall that was connected to the other room and another on the wall connecting to it. She walked over and found a light switch and turned it on. Her breath caught as she looked into the two rooms that were connected by a door way covered in plastic strips. In one was the Cryo-tank and the metal table with restraints, IV stands and monitors. In the other was a black chair hooked up to a machine that obviously conducted large amounts of electricity.

“Hey gang!.... We’re here with almost....” Ironman was interrupted by Sam’s voice.

“We’re at 10 minutes!” He chimed in over the radio. Stark instantly looked around at everything and anything while Steve who had entered silently except for his painting breaths looked strait toward the windows were Natasha stood. Clint walked up and taped Tony who had begun rambling with excitement but then stopped when he saw Steve and Natasha. The four moved forward slowly as Steve opened the door and walked into the first room. His eyes looked at the Cryo-tank first, his feet taking slow heavy steps. He looked in through the small window and shuddered at the frozen metal coffin that had held his friend. He then looked toward the metal table as he swallowed hard. His eyes burned and his fists clenched as he shook, his mind placing Bucky on the table, crying in pain. Tony had his video scanner on and was projecting what he saw back to Bruce as his tec scanner captured the dimensions and functional components of the tank.

“Banner,.... you getting this?” Tony asked dryly, no witty inflection.

“Yea,.... I see it.” They could here the sigh in the doctors voice. Stark gazed up at Steve for a moment who was staring down at the metal table hand gripping a restraint. The weapons genius turned away and entered the next room with a nauseous and disgusted breath as he began scanning the chair, getting an accurate read on the device, what it did and how it worked. 

“Guessing this is our ECT chair.” Stark again spoke dryly. He was joined by the other three as they each took in the torturous machine. Upon seeing the chair Steve made a noise in his throat that sounded strangled and desperate. He took a few steps forward hastily and then stopped. He gripped his shield and he fought the urge to start destroying the evil chair that stole away his best friend and helped Hydra turn him into a weapon. He felt nauseous as the smell of chemicals, and sweat and pain became over powering.

Clint picked up a plastic mouth guard from a small metal tray and snorted harshly as he held it up for the others to examine. The teeth marks were deep in the hard rubbery plastic. Ironman used the scanner to examine the machine and flipped a switch stepping back as it buzzed to life. The Avengers watched with dismay as the clamps set over where his arms would be and then the head restraints came down and a course of blue light ripped back and fourth with a loud crackle of electricity. Stark scanned the head set and how much voltage they used. His eyebrows went up under his mask and he shook his head in disbelief. “My Good God they have been frying this kid’s brain!.....” Stark muttered before Steve let out a desperate yell and kicked a nearby office chair with enough force that it broke against the wall. He panted as he rubbed his face and looked back at the black chair that was turned off by Ironman, his scan complete.

“Guys, the Freeze is up in 5!” Sam spoke with an urgent tone as he saw two black vans pull up in the front parking lot of the strip mall. “And it looks like we got company!” He added.

“We need to destroy it!” Steve stated with a raspy breath, body stiff and expression almost tense. Tony looked at him and then to the Shield agents who shrugged, seeing no reason not to. Tony lifted his palm and pointed it toward the chair.

“Allow me.” He blasted the chair with a full forced beam, debris flying toward them. Steve used his shied and Natasha and Clint ducked behind him, glaring at Tony.

“Thanks Stark!” Hawk Eye grumbled as he stood back up.

“Common, lets grab these files and get out of here,..... If the place doesn't blow on it’s own I will shoot some target grenades at it!” Natasha promised as she tugged Steve’s arm following Hawk Eye out the door. Iron man looked over at Captain America and he felt humbled by the depth of pain that was in the man’s eyes as he stared hard at remnants of what use to be a chair that was no doubt the cause of so much of The Winter Soldier’s suffering. He rest a hand on Steve’s back and then with the other pulled him gently toward the exit. With a final thought Iron man turned just before they left and shot two repulser beams into the other room destroying the Cryo-tank and the metal table. He turned and looked at the Captain who, despite his wet eyes, held a strong and determined expression. He nodded at Stark and then together they fled through the base trailing Natasha and Clint.

Once on the outside they fought the back up operatives aided from above by Falcon. The fight was relatively short since within about 5 minutes the ground exploded around them and the strip mall crumbled into the base below. The Avenger’s made their exit just as S.H.I.E.L.D arrived to take the remaining operatives prisoner.  
“How did Fury get wind of this?” Stark asked with an eyebrow raised.

“He did us a solid by letting us interrogate Rumlow,.... had to through him a bone.” The Widow stated simply. Steve sat in the back of the plane in silence, wishing the pain he had just unleashed on Hydra made up for the suffering his friend had endured.... but he knew it never could. Vengeance never left him feeling satisfied, just more hollow.

“You got the files?” Sam questioned and received a wary nod from Natasha.

“Yup, now comes the hard part!” She smirked without humor as she too had images flutter in her mind, well aware of what they were about to bare witness to and jugging by how Steve was handling what he’d seen so far, it was going to be a long journey ahead.


	10. All these things that I have done

“The Killers” All these things that I have done.

When there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son, one more son  
If you can't hold on If you can't hold on Hold on  
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go You know, you know, no, you don't, you don't I wanna shine on in the hearts of men I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand  
Another head aches, another heart breaks I'm so much older than I can take And my affection, well, it comes and goes I need direction to perfection, no no no no  
Help me out, yeah You know you gotta help me out, yeah Oh, don't you put me on the back burner You know you gotta help me out, yeah  
And when there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son  
These changes ain't changing me The gold-hearted boy I used to be  
Yeah, you know you gotta help me out, yeah Oh, don't you put me on the back burner You know you gotta help me out, yeah  
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down  
I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier  
I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier  
I got soul but I'm not a soldier I got soul but I'm not a soldier  
Time and truth and hearts  
Yeah, you know you gotta help me out, yeah Oh, don't you put me on the back burner You know you gotta help me out, yeah  
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah Oh, don't you put me on the back burner You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down  
Over and in, last call for sin While everyone's lost, the battle is won With all these things that I've done All these things that I've done  
Time, truth and hearts  
If you can hold on If you can hold on 

The jet landed back at the Avenger’s tower close to two am, ushering in a hand full of exhausted and pensive heroes who knew that the success of their mission was only the beginning. After dealing with the new enhanced security system and Jarvis who reminded an annoyed Tony Stark that it was his programming, the others went off to change and sleep, some to drink first while Steve headed strait for the lab. He sighed as he entered the quite medical wing that was only lit in the back, allowing a restful darkness to settle over his injured friend and the good doctor who was laid back in a reclining chair next to his patient, glasses askew on his face and stack of papers on his chest. As the Captain walked into the darkened lab silently in his uniform he tried to take his seat next to Bucky with out notice but Banner’s eyes cracked open and he sighed as he groggily sat up.

“Sorry Bruce,...didn’t mean to wake you.”Steve smiled sheepishly. before he looked down at his friend. Bucky was still in the sweat pants he had given him the night before and nothing else, his bear chest breathing calmly, the shine of sweat less noticeable. Bruce nodded and stood up as he fixed his glasses and looked over at the monitors before looking back at Steve.

“How did the mission go?” The doctor asked with a softness, aware that they had discovered the chair, table and Cryo-freeze tank that had been used to condition and maintain control of the Winter Soldier.

“It was,,,, a success I guess..... Nat thinks she managed to upload a lot of the files we need to understand what Buck’s been through..... But....” He shook his head and swallowed looking down at his friend. “ Honestly after seeing the devices they used,..... that chair..... I feel sick just imaging it,..... not sure If I can bring myself to watch it happen or even read about it!” He sighed with a bitter twist of a smile and another shake of his head.

“Yea,.... I understand,....... none of this is going to be easy Steve,.... but...... Natasha does have a point,.... none of us can really help him through this process with out better understanding what tactics they used and what bullshit they filled his mind with to keep him under control.......The pain of learning about his ordeal is only a fraction of what it must have been to live it,.... experience it.” Banner shook his head again and then looked to Steve, realizing that none of his words offered comfort. “Sorry.” He apologized with a shrug. Steve nodded and swallowed. He reached out and stroked Bucky’s face, that seemed to be resting in peace for the moment.

“Hows he doing doc?” The Captain asked, hoping for some good news to brighten his mood. Banner nodded and looked at the monitors again.

“Well,..... better,.... certainly....... He is rehydrated and has received enough nutrients to help his body function,.... getting him onto a stable diet of real food with sustenance will be difficult but will also improve his physical condition...... His fever is down to 100 and should continue to drop..... The blood transfusion worked, which is nothing short of a miracle,..... Honestly it was kind of a long shot but it helped kick start his immune system and he is no longer critical. I began administering the analgesic chemicals that I hope will help him ease off of whatever the hell they have been injecting him with!” Bruce sighed. “That is probably why he is finally at peace,...... his body burns through drugs fast like yours,..... but the effects of continued doping do leave behind addiction and withdrawals..... When he wakes up he is gonna need a lot of patience and comfort.... He wont be in as much pain as before but most likely sore, nauseous and confused..... It’s not an easy fix,... none of it!” Bruce concluded realizing that he had been rambling. Steve was frowning with thought but nodded his understanding.

“When will he wake up?” Steve questioned, unsure what he was going to do once Bucky woke up.

“Well,.... That depends,...... I can take him off the sedative and I am certain his eyes will open within ten minutes....... But, I thought maybe we should debrief in the morning and go over the intel, ...... hash out a plan before bringing him back to the land of the living...... But I guess it’s really your call Steve.” Banner concluded. He received a thoughtful nod before The Captain rubbed his face tiredly. “Either way it’s time for both of us to get some real sleep!...... He will be fine!...... and we are no good exhausted!” With that Banner left the lab ready to succumb to his own dream land. Steve stood over his friend with a heavy sigh and looked down at the metal arm. His eyes scanned over the angry, scared skin that fused with metal, even healed it looked painful. He let his fingers trace over the scars and again felt his chest grow tight.

“I’m so sorry Buck.” He whispered. Steve shook his head tiredly and stumbled across the hall toward his room. He shrugged out of his uniform and collapsed on the bed with a muffled sob, his exhaustion, anger and immense guilt shivering through his body and gripping his stomach. He was so glad to have his friend back and yet so unbelievably sad by the brutal reality that he had been existing in. The Captain closed his tearful eyes and let uneasy rest wash over him, knowing that soon enough he would be informed just how painful life had been for his brother in arms.

............................................................................................................................................

The Asset shivered on the metal table as his blood raced through him, hot even as the rest of his body was ridged with cold. His mind was foggy and dull, thoughts vague and confused. The heat of his blood was becoming painful as he felt the numbness of his appendages and core give way to an itching sensation. His whole body felt painfully uncomfortable and his head throbbed. He was not alone in the room and he opened his blurry eyes despite the blinding brightness. Men in white lab coats spoke to one another in Russian but the Asset could not understand them. They began sticking tubes and needles in his arm as they looked at the machines around him. His breathing increased, labored as he opened his mouth in an attempt to tell them he was in pain, to ask them for help, but his vocal cords did not respond and instead he made a chocking sound. One of the Doctors looked at him with a frown and stuck their gloved fingers intrusively into his mouth. The doctor then mumbled in Russian to another who handed him a flash light and a magnified glass. The doctor held his mouth open peering in side and then peeled his eyes open wide and studied his pupils. The Asset let out a growled whimper of discomfort and the Doctor jumped back. Another man in black entered the room and roughly held his head up placing the muzzled on his face before letting the Soldier’s head drop back down with a thud. The asset blinked his eyes in disorientation as he stiffly moved his neck muscles to look down at his frigid, burning body. He was strapped down and his pale body, covered only in black briefs was shaking and shivering. His blue vans seemed to be swollen and raised as the liquid fire of his blood pumped through him, bringing back sensation to his frozen muscles and joints. 

He lay his head back and closed his eyes with a moan. He was aware now, conscious but still unable to form and maintain coherent thoughts, He knew he had been taken out of Cryo-freeze and that his body was being revitalized. He remembered the intense feeling of burning blood in a frozen body, the stiff coldness and the nausea of disorientation and vertigo. His head was swimming but as another doctor came closer he saw a large needled. The doctor smiled down at him and stroked his face. The Asset shuddered at the contact but did not flinch, his groggy eyes watched with confusion and what might be fear if he could remember what it was to understand feelings. The man in the White coat stuck the needle in his arm and almost intently he felt subdued, a calming of his mind and relaxation. He still felt the burning and freezing, still aware of his confusion but the fear was gone, and he felt no need to try and figure out what was going on. He lay still, his breaths becoming even and the same doctor brought the light to his eyes again and smiled down at him with a nod.

As his semi conscious brain attempted to focus lazily, his thoughts muddled and distorted, one of the White coats placed ear phones over his head and a heavy blind fold over his eyes. He was in darkness, aware only of his breathing and the slowly creeping sensation of his body. A voice began to speak, sounding as if it was coming from within his own head, familiar and soothing despite the unemotional tone. His brain attached to the words and urged him to focus and listen, to understand and process. He did not struggle and he felt content with the voice, accepting it’s message, no other thoughts able to form as understanding the words became the only thing that mattered.

‘ Hydra is my maker,.... I owe them my life..... I am a weapon..... a weapon dose not feel..... a weapon dose not think..... a weapon must follow orders....I must follow orders..... I must complete my missions,.... I must eliminate any threat to Hydra,..... Hydra is my master..... Hydra will bring order to the world......Order comes from pain and death..... I will kill for Hydra.....I will follow orders.... I must obey my Handlers,..... I will not ask questions,.... I will complete my mission and return to Hydra.... Weapons do not question.... Weapons do not defy Handlers.... Weapons follow orders.... or will be punished..... If I fight my Handlers I deserve to be punished..... I am nothing with out Hydra...... Hydra is my maker.... Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra.......Hydra is my maker....... I owe them my life....” 

His mind clung to the words, to the familiarity and the calm, flat tone of the voice, his voice. He knew these words, this message was true and he felt comforted by it, the confusion and disorientation no longer present. Despite his physical discomfort his mind was at ease, the feeling of his muzzle a reminder of his place, of his required submission to his Handlers. He felt no need to fight back, no need to question or explore thoughts or feelings. His purpose was to act on command and follow orders, not to think and this certainty and clarity brought him peace of mind and a sense of purpose that was secure and safe and felt right.

............................................................................................................................................

Morning came too fast and as Steve shifted stiffly in his tangled sheets. He startled at the figure sitting at the edge of his bed. Natasha smiled, one eyebrow raised as he suddenly blushed and pulled the covers over his body that was only in dark blue boxer briefs. His face was red and he sat up avoiding her eyes as he wiped the sleep from his face.

“Morning Sunshine!” She spoke with a seductive air and he rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Is this how you wake up the others?” He asked in mild annoyance and embarrassment.

“No,.... but I probably should!.... There are a lot of good looking men in this tower..... Wouldn’t mind catching them in there undies.” She chuckled at his snicker. “Except for Bruce,.... he’s good looking but I would not want to startle him,...I have a feeling he would turn green instead of bright red!” She smirked again at his flustered expression. “Anywho,..... breakfast is ready and Tony is decrypting the files with Jarvis, trying to organize them so we can get through it efficiently. We all discussed it already and every one kinda feels like watching 12 hours of Hydra how to brainwash videos might just ruin our lives and scar us all permanently,....... Plus, in some ways it might be an invasion on Sargent Barne’s privacy. Jarvis has been sorting through it all night since we got back and had been condensing the information for us.” Natasha stated. Steve nodded thoughtfully. He had a feeling that at some point he was going to make himself review the entirety of the intel but also felt comforted by the fact that the others would not be, no doubt that Bucky would feel embarrassed by them witnessing his pain.

Natasha jumped up and left the room with a curt nod and a subtle wink again receiving a groan from Steve. The Captain used the shower, changed into his civilian cloths and then entered the Lab. Bruce was not there, only Bucky who actually looked much better then the night and day before. He was no longer covered in sweat and his skin was less pale. His breathing was deep and even and Bruce had removed the oxygen mask on his face. Steve smile down at his friend and stroked his face, the touch invoking a soft mumble of inaudible words but his eyes remained closed. Steve. spoke awkwardly to the empty lab not sure were to look.

“Uh,.... Jarvis?” 

Yes, Captain Rogers.

“Can you give me a status up date on Bucky?” He asked unsure if that was possible but figuring the AI seemed to know far more about what was going on then he did.

Yes sir, Sargent Barns is recovering rapidly, his body is healing in a similar way to your own. His current temperature has lowered to 99 degrees and his blood pressure and heart rate are with in the normal range for a man of his hight and weight when at rest. His lungs are fully functional as are all other internal organs. His body is still suffering from effects of chemical with drawl but has accepted the substitute drug combination created by Doctor Banner and myself.

“Thats great,.... how about his mind?” Steve asked with a hopeful smile as he fought the urge to wake up Bucky right then and there.

Sir,.... are you asking about his brain’s physiological and biochemical functioning,... or his ability to process thought and access memory?”

“Um,..... both?” Steve rubbed the back of his neck.

Sir it appears that his brain is regrowing synapses and neurological connections are reforming in area’s of his brain that have not been accessible for a significant amount of time. Cognitively, his mind will be able to function normally although accessing some memories might still prove to be painful as the connections have been dormant and blocked off.

Steve nodded in thought.

“I wonder what he is dreaming about?” Steve questioned absentmindedly, not thinking the AI would answer.

He has not been dreaming sir as that process occurs in an area of the brain that has been deliberately altered by chemical manipulation and the connections are still reforming. He appears to be accessing memories as is indicated by the yellow area of his brain map located on the screen to your left Sir.

“Oh,.... why would they want to keep him from dreaming.” Steve asked again unsure if it was a question Jarvis could answer.

Based on my current knowledge of the process Sergeant Barnes has gone through and the manipulation of his biochemistry, I would speculate that Hydra did not want him to dream as it would potentially undermine their programming. Dreams are hypothesized by some Psychologists to be a necessary process the human mind goes through to understand the world and deal with cognitive dissidence that is created during daily life when one’s actions and thoughts do not align with subconscious wants and desires. This process would most likely lead Sergeant Barnes to question Hydra and the actions he was ordered to carry out. 

“Thank you Jarvis.” Steve sighed. He shook his head as he looked down at his friend who spent so many years sleeping with out dreams. He wondered if the ability would be welcomed or not once he began to remember the good and the bad. 

“Hey Captain Underpants!..... While I definitely understand what a wonderful conversationalist Jarvis can be,.... mind joining those of us that are not either unconscious or lacking a physical form for breakfast so we can get this show on the road?” Stark’s image appeared on one of the screens with a pleasant smile beneath inpatient eyes that also hinted at his reservation toward the later statement. Steve nodded with a sigh and a salute before giving Bucky one more compassionate glance, heading back out of the lab. Once in the elevator he pondered the fact that none of them really wanted to view the footage of Bucky’s conditioning and he considered asking if Jarvis could just as easily summarize it for them. But as he exited he shook his head again and knew that he needed to see what they had done to his best friend and if Bucky could live through it the least he could do was learn what happened in order to help him come back from it.

Breakfast was short and Steve did not engaged anyone in conversation, only;y smirking when Natasha teased him about her wake up call. When it was over they moved to the conference room and sat momentarily before Stark asked them if they were ready. Each nodded with heavy expressions. The Billionaire genius stood up and seemed to drag him self reluctantly toward a modem. He placed the zip drive that Jarvis had consolidated into the slot and a screen was projected onto the wall in front of them, large and white.

“Jarvis has already printed out all of the documents and data concerning surgery and amputation, the process of attaching the metal arm, the drugs they gave before and after Cryo-freeze and during missions,......Turns out a variation of what Hitler used to give his people, like a rough draft of Crystal Meth,... sooo thats awesome!....... And of course the voltage they used on his noggin,..... healing ability and all that. This,... I guess, this is all that great,.... wonderful video documentation edited down so we can get the gist with out pulling our eyes out of our sockets! Right Jarvis?” Tony sighed, his normally jovial voice was decidedly somber and he rubbed his eyes as he took a seat. 

Yes Sir,.... based on what information you requested from the video documentation and the two hour time limit, I ran an algorithm and picked select video’s from the Project Fist of Hydra archive that focuses on conditioning, programming, training and two missions that I believe will be of specific interest. I also took the liberty of editing the video’s to illustrate the violence with out the entire brutalization process as I imagine it would be quite emotionally difficult for Human’s to watch at length.

“Yeah,.... great!.... What do you want a pat on the back or something?.... Just roll the film!” Tony griped.

Yes Sir.........

Steve stared hard at the screen as the first image that appeared was Zola looking smug into the camera.

*We have created a weapon made of flesh and bone and metal that will serve as the fist of Hydra!....... Our new Asset was once an American Soldier that I used for experimentation at one of our facilities during the War. He was injected during that time with several types of chemicals found to be in the Super Soldier Serum used by the late Doctor Abraham Erskino. The effects enabled the Soldier to survive a fall from a train but his left arm was destroyed. He was discovered by Hydra agents and was temporarily placed in Cryo-freeze for approximately a year. During this time we have crafted a state of the art cybernetic appendage that will enhance his ability as a fighter and will preform as a virtually indestructible unit. Unfortunately we have discovered that the Soldier has proven to be very uncooperative and so poses a danger to our efforts. Until he has undergone conditioning and programming, we decided to delay the operation so that he can not use it against us.*

-The video clip changed and the gathered audience shifted uncomfortably as they watched the image of Sergeant James Barnes curled up on the floor of a cell wearing only a tone pair of paints. 

He was thin, almost emaciated and the nub of his left arm was covered in a dirty bandage. He was shivering and had his eyes closed in the brightness of the cell. The angle of the camera was from the corner celling of the room and angled down to monitor him remotely. Steve grit his teeth as three men walked into the cell with guns drawn, Zola behind them. Bucky did not acknowledge there presence and kept his eyes closed.

“And how are we feeling today Soldier?” Zola asked with fake enthusiasm. There was no response and the doctor nodded. One of the Soldiers stepped forward and brought an expandable baton down hard across Bucky’s collar bone. Instantly Bucky let out a grunt of pain as he brought his flesh arm up defensively.

“Again, You will answer when questioned Soldier!..... How do you feel?” Zola asked with a deliberate tone.

“Like I am going to enjoy the hell out of wiping that smug little smile off your freakish face once my men get here!!!!” Bucky spat and instantly received two more hard strikes this time to his bear back as he bent over, red welts appearing almost instantly.

“Oh,... your Men,..... The Howling Commandos,..... led by Great Captain America?” Zola’s tone was mocking and Bucky looked up at him with a lethal glare. “Well if that is the reason for your continued defiance then let me assure you that your foolish hope of a rescue is completely pointless!” Zola dropped a news paper on the ground in front of Barnes who eyed it warily. The front page had a big picture of Steve’s face in uniform and the head line read, “Captain America Sacrifices Him Self To Save The World.” Bucky looked down then back up with a snicker.

“What,... you think some phony news paper is gonna break me?..... You Hydra goons are pathetic!” He tried to laugh but the effort caused him pain as he gripped his side that was back and blue like many other areas of his torso and back.

“Oh you poor poor fool,... denial might feed your resistance but it will not set you free. You will learn to obey us and accept your place!.... You were a very good sniper Sergeant Barnes,.... but I will make you even better!..... You will become our greatest weapon against your own country and anyone else who poses a threat to our progress!” Zola offered with a sense of pride in his voice.

“In yer dreams frog face!..... I will die before I ever fight for Hydra!” Bucky shouted and this time he was kicked hard in the face, blood pouring from his noise. Zola leaned down over him with an amused chuckle.

“Oh my dear boy,.... but you already have!” He opened the paper and pointed down to a picture of Bucky in Uniform and one of Steve in his, the caption read: ‘Two fallen war hero’s to be commemorated in memorial park in Nation’s Capitol.‘Bucky stiffened as he struggled to sit up and began to read the print. “Careful with your discipline comrade,.... he will heal but it is an unnecessary wast of time to constantly reset his bones.” Zola chastised the guard who nodded his understanding. “ Besides, we have better ways of coursing his cooperation.” Zola stated with a sickening smile as he turned to leave but stopped at the door.

“Soldier, if you are tempted to continue to deny the legitimacy of the paper, look to the next page where your mother gives a very moving eulogy about the two of you,..... they put your grave marker’s side by side..... Even if your Friend had not perished,....No one will come looking for a dead man.” Zola smiled again and left with the guards. Bucky was alone and bleeding in the cell. He muttered under his breath and shook his head as he wiped the blood off his face. His body began to tremble as he shook his head. He threw the paper to the side and covered his face in a chocked sob as he called out to his friend.

“Steve!..... God Damit Steve!.....You gotta come find me you Jerk!” Bucky cried with the knowledge that he truly was alone and there was no rescue coming.-

Steve hung his head and looked away at hearing his captive friends plea, feeling nauseous with guilt. He felt a hand rest on his shoulder and looked up to see Sam who gave him a steady nod. The screen changed again and Steve looked up with a broken expression.

-Bucky was sitting in the cell mumbling to himself as he stared up at the celling, eyes distant and face drawn, dark circles under his eyes and body badly bruised. The door to the cell suddenly flew open and he instinctively cowered in the corner but then sprang forward onto his knees, his eyes wide in alarm. A guard dressed in black held in one hand a gun and in his other he gripped the blond hair of a girl who was bound and gagged crying hysterically. Barnes looked from the girl to the guard with a desperate expression. The guard dropped a piece of paper to the floor and pointed at it with his gun. 

“Read!” The man grunted in a thick Russian accent. He turned on a recorder and shook the girl growling at her to shut up in Russian. Barnes looked at the girl, only a teenager, and swallowed hard. He then looked down at the paper and shook his head, breathing hard.

“I..... I am not gonna read this bullshit!” He protested as he looked back up shaking his head. The guard growled and threw the girl on the ground then struck her with the butt of his gun twice as she cried out in pain. Instantly Bucky was stumbling on his feet to get between them as he covered her body with his just as the third strike of the riffle connected with his left side. He hissed in pain as the Guard back handed him and kicked him away from the sobbing girl who lay on the floor. 

“Read......Read!” The Guard spat again once in Russian and again in English. He pointed the gun to the girl and removed the safety. Barnes sat up strait with effort his body shaking and eyes glaring at the man with venomous hatred. He used his one arm, to pick up the paper and sighed heavily. The Guard turned the recorder back on and held it out.

‘ Hydra is my maker,.... I owe them my life..... I am a weapon..... a weapon dose not feel..... a weapon dose not think.....” His voice was flat and devoid of emotion. He shook his head as he read the words and when he paused the Guard took a step toward the trembling girl with a threatening motion and Barnes reluctantly continued, the words spoken through a deep frown as his body shook with rage and despair. When he was done he dropped the paper and looked up at the Guard who nodded, turned off the recorder and shot the girl in the head.

“NO!.......Noononononono!” Bucky cried out as he frantically lunged toward the girl who’s blood was forming a pool around her head. The Guard left the room and Bucky pulled the dead girl into his arms with a guttural cry, holding her close even as her blood smeared on his bare chest. He rocked the still warm corpse as his wide eyes blinked rapidly, lips trembling as he mumbled in her ear, not looking at her vacant, dead eyes. He pulled the gag from her mouth as he whispered reassurances.

“it’s okay,... your okay!.... We are gonna get out of here!.... I got you,.....your okay,... we are both okay!.....Shhh,...shhhhh,.... don’t cry girl!.....It’s okay,...it’s okay!” He was shaking as he clutched the dead girl to him with his one arm, eyes wide in shock, mind uncomprehending.-

 

“Those fucking bastards!” Hawk Eye spat with an angry slam of his fist on the table. Natasha was looking down and the others all remained silent, eyes glued to the image that again changed to the sneer, smug expression of Doctor Zola.

*We have begun the conditioning process by using electric shocks to wipe his memory clean. The process must be done often as his synapses will heal and reform allowing him to access his memories. We have discovered that the effects of the memory wipe begin to deteriorate after approximately 5 days and so will be continuing to review this process through out his conditioning and training. We have managed to target his past memories while allowing the new muscle memory and automatic knowledge we are teaching him to stay intact. It has taken 7 sessions of electric memory degradation before the Soldier has finally forgotten his own name. His behavior how ever is still erratic and unpredictable. He has also lost a great deal of his vocabulary. We discovered during the 5th wipe that we must not continue the currency past 20 minutes as he temporarily loses his motor functioning and becomes almost catatonic, unresponsive to even painful stimuli. It is also important that the Asset be given a mouth guard as his teeth clench and his body convulses strongly during the shock process. The following is a demonstration of his first wipe followed by the 7th.*

Bucky was screaming and fighting with one arm, legs kicking as he struggled against his captors. He was being forced into the chair, but an older, wooden version of it. The guards strapped him down with heavy restraints and he was thrashing against them.

“Get the fuck off of me you Hydra filth!.......You better just kill me now because the moment I am free I swear to God I am gonna.....” He was cut off as a Large man backhanded him hard across the face before shoving a mouth guard in his mouth. Zola quickly pulled a lever connect to the chair and and a metal helmet descended, blue energy sizzling beneath it. He screamed, the sound desperate and painful and rife with shear agony.

Steve was was gasping and his chest felt like he was having an asthma attack, his eyes wide. The other Avengers sat in silence with pained expressions. They looked at Steve who’s mouth was open and eyes unable to look away. 

The screen shifted and there was the chair again this time with a much different man who was obviously afraid of the chair but was not screaming. He resisted as he was pulled toward it and cried as they strapped him down, his words were stuttered and sounded as if he was unable to vocalize them clearly

“Pe....pe...please....please.... no more!......Be good....Please!” Bucky was crying eyes wide and scared like a frightened animal as he shook, looking at all those around him as if they might help him. Once more the helmet lowered as he was screaming, the pain tearing him to shreds. the clip was obviously cut short like the last one by Jarvis much to their relief and was now at the point where the helmet came off. Bucky was still in the chair, eyes open but off to the side, body shaking intensely with spasms. Zola nodded and the other men in white lab coats removed the restraints as his body continued to trembled but the convulsions became more sporadic. Zola grabbed his face and turned the vacant eyes toward him, removing the mouth guard.

“What is your name Soldier?” Zola questioned the confused and hurt eyes. Bucky tried to focus on the man in front of him but his gaze kept dropping to the side. He was then slapped twice by the large man until he let out a cry, eyes suddenly looking every were. “What is your name?” Zola asked again. Bucky blinked in confusion and fear, he looked like he didn’t even understand the question.

“Na.....na.....Name.....” He sputtered as if hoping that was the answer they wanted. The large man hit him again and he whimpered, body still shaking. Zola garbed his head again with both hands.

“Who are you?” He asked studying the man. He received a panicked cry in response and Bucky moved his mouth awkwardly.

“Wh...who.....auuurrree.... ya..ya...yoooouuuu......” He slurred back with great difficulty, his jaw twitching uncontrollably as were his eyes that began blinking rapidly. Zola stood up satisfied as Bucky slumped back in the chair body convulsing as he shut his eyes and began to cry bringing his one hand up to his head in pain. 

The clip ended and Steve let out his own anguished cry as his face fell forward on to his folded arms that rest on the table.

“Jarvis pause the video feed please.” Stark’s voice sounded strained as he covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wet as he looked off to the side. Sam again had his hand on Steve’s shoulder rubbing soothing circles as Steve had for Bucky the other night when he helped him get clean. Natasha’s eyes were wet and she blinked away the tears as Hawk Eye reached out and took her hand with a solemn expression. Bruce had his eyes closed and was breathing deeply keeping himself calm. There was silence as they sat mournfully,.... each processing their emotions, glancing up with sympathy toward Steve who was crushed, his body shaking silently.


	11. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is a an exchange of dialog in the movie between Pierce and some Hydra Doc where after he realizes that the Soldier is remembering Steve he says, “Prep him.” And the Doc replies, “He has been out of Cryo for too long.”.... Pierce replies , “Then wipe him and start over.”...... The beginning of this chapter is my explanation of what “Prepping” him meant. 
> 
> As always reviews make me smile and I surly appreciate it!!!!

JOHNNY CASH LYRICS

"Hurt"  
(originally by Nine Inch Nails)

I hurt myself today   
To see if I still feel   
I focus on the pain   
The only thing that's real   
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting   
Try to kill it all away   
But I remember everything 

[Chorus:]  
What have I become   
My sweetest friend   
Everyone I know goes away   
In the end   
And you could have it all   
My empire of dirt   
I will let you down   
I will make you hurt 

I wear this crown of thorns   
Upon my liar's chair   
Full of broken thoughts   
I cannot repair   
Beneath the stains of time   
The feelings disappear   
You are someone else   
I am still right here 

[Chorus:]  
What have I become   
My sweetest friend   
Everyone I know goes away   
In the end   
And you could have it all   
My empire of dirt   
I will let you down   
I will make you hurt 

If I could start again   
A million miles away   
I would keep myself   
I would find a way

Steve was in the bathroom washing his face and brushing his teeth. He had gotten sick watching the torture of his best friend. His heart ached and his chest seized in anger at the Hydra doctors and agents who were already dead, buried in the ground, while the lasting effects of their brutality and disregard for human life left the shattered remains of Bucky Barns hidden beneath the Winter Soldier, the Fist of Hydra. Steve sighed and stood up strait, forcing himself to breath. He exited the bathroom and headed back toward the conference room where the others were waiting with sad eyes but comforting expressions and strength. As he entered he was greeted by nods and pats on the back. Natasha hugged him and gave a sympathetic smile. He took a seat and looked up when Bruce cleared his throat.

“After watching the video and reviewing Zola’s notes, I think I can give you a basic explanation of how they uhh,... kept his mind locked in place, unable to retrieve his memories of self-identity.” Bruce offered and received a nod from Steve. “So he almost died after the first time they defrosted him, the human body obviously not meant to endure the process. Zola began injecting him with a chemical that would slow down his heart before he went into the freeze to lessen the traumatic effects and then when bringing him back would inject him with a stimulate that would raise the temperature by forcing his heart to start pumping heated blood through his frozen body..... While effective, I imagine it might be quite painful.” He sighed and readjusted his glasses. 

“The doctors would then inject him with another chemical agent that would go straight to his synapses that had been burned or ‘wiped’ as they put it, right before he had entered freezing. This drug appears to have attached to the damaged synapses and inhibited growth while avoiding the area’s of his brain that stored the tactical, sonomic memories and conditioned programming...... Additionally, it served as a calming agent that would keep him complacent and easily handled, while focusing his mind on repetition to help reinforce the programming.....The drug lasts for about 10 days until it wears off and then the synapses begin to regrow unless they wipe him again which would mean he would not remember anything that had happened right before.” Bruce explained.

“Why wouldn’t they just inject him again. and keep him in that state?” The Black widow asked.

“Probably because it is an incredibly lethal and toxic agent for the first few hours after injection, raising blood pressure, heart rate and temperature to dangerous degrees,,,,, unless his body was still de-thawing, the effects then simply aided the other drug in expediting the process, again with damaging long term side effects that we were seeing earlier before the blood transfusion.” Bruce concluded

“So what they did wasn’t permeant?” Sam nodded and looked back at Steve with a reassuring smile.

“No,..... in fact he was constantly undergoing reconditioning and reprograming. He had even gone AWOL once in the 70’s and from that point on was no longer permitted to go on missions without being supervised by a Strike team.” Bruce added as he flipped through the large stack of documents.

“Well there’s always a silver lining huh?” Stark offered a tight curl of his lips then pointed at the screen, his eyes dark above the forced smile.

“Yeah lets get this over with!” Hawk Eye shook his head and they all took their seats. Steve sighed and rubbed his temples before looking up as the screen flickered back on, Zola’s crumpled little face looking proud and smug.

*Despite continuous mind wipes and sever punishment for disobedience, the Asset had been continuing to defy his Handlers and refused to kill assigned targets. After consulting with other Hydra physicians and psychologists, we began to implement a plan that reinforced ‘Learned Helplessness,’ as a method to break the Assets willful obstinacy and keep him in line. He had been biting his Handlers despite his restraints and so we have placed a muzzle over his face. We have taken from him any clothing or personal items and have deliberately allowed him to attempt escape multiple times before recapturing him and punishing him for the attempt. Each attempt and subsequent beating was followed by a mind wipe.... After his fifth attempt to escape, he has finally excepted his lack of freedom and total subjection. This was proven when we opened the cell door and he remained inside until ordered to stand. 

Now that he has stopped fighting back and resisting we have once more begun his mental programming and conditioning. The Asset shall be strapped to the recovery table and either blind folded or shown a constant stream of different killing strategies along with head phones that will play a recording of his own voice stating his allegiance to Hydra and his purpose as our weapon. The process should be done after his emergence from Cryo-freeze and again after a mission is completed and the wipe is done before reentry into Cryo-freeze. This audio and visual conditioning combined with chemical manipulation and physical reinforcement should mold his psychic to become devoted and obedient to Hydra, grateful and dependent on his Handlers to provide him with orders. So far we have seen much improvement and he has not resisted his Trainer or attempted to ask any questions, waiting silently for directives. We shall begin the next step in his training, dehumanization of identified targets.*

The image changed and Steve felt his hands clench into fists at the thought of his friend being stripped naked and beaten like an animal, the chance for escape used to torment him and crush his will for freedom. He looked at Sam who just gave him a steady look, understanding and reassuring. He looked back up and felt his stomach drop at the image. 

-The Winter Soldier was standing in only black briefs and his muzzle with a dagger in his flesh hand, the shoulder of his left bandaged from the new added metal appendage. His hair was long enough to cover his eyes but not passed his ears. There was an old man cowering in the corner, feeble and week, crying out in Russian. A voice boomed from an intercom in the cell, a short harsh bark in Russian that Natalia translated for those watching.

“Your mission objective in to terminate the assigned target, enemy of Hydra and threat to our safety....... Soldier complete your mission!” The voice demand over an intercom. 

The Soldier took a step forward with the dagger and then with a cry of anger and pain he lunged forward and sliced the man’s throat before taking a step back and turning away, dagger still clenched tightly. His face was cast downward and he kept his back to the dyeing man who made chocking cries as his body fell limp, blood pooling on the floor.

“Soldier, release your weapon and take first position!” There was another bark in Russian over the speaker and The Soldier dropped the dagger and fell to his knees with his hands behind his head starring strait at the wall. The door opened and the guards came in to drag out the corpse. The large man with the baled head and thick mustache from the other video, the one who had smacked Bucky as he came out of the chair walked up behind the Soldier with a nod. “ Second Position.” He snapped again. The Soldier rose to his feat, hands still locked behind his head facing the wall. “Turn and face.” The Soldier turned, his expression blank. “Lower your arms,...... these are for you,.... a gift from Hydra,.... you have done well Soldier.” The man’s tone is still an order and gruff but less of a bark as he hands a folded pair of black paints to the Soldier who unfolds them and begins to put them on. Once he is wearing them he looks up and receives a nod from his Trainer before the man leaves. He stands motionless in the room, his head turned slightly staring at the pool of blood in the corner. 

A moment later another man is brought in, bound and gaged, young, in his late teens. The Guards drop him roughly on the floor and walk out of the cell locking the door.

“Soldier, reclaim your knife and terminate the assigned target.” The Tranier’s voice ordered over the speaker. The Soldier picked up his knife and this time with less hesitation calmly walked forward and again used the blade to slice through his victim's throat.

“Jesus Christ!” Stark muttered as he rubbed his face. The others all watched with dismay, deep frowns and sad eyes at the complacency and dehumanization that had been beat into the man who had tried so hard to fight against Hydra, who wanted death rather then to take the lives of others.

The Soldier returned to the same corner and the process was repeated. The Trainer order him to drop his weapon and kneel as the body was removed. He then was ordered to stand and face the man who presented him with a pair of soaks and combat boots. He remained in the room and had to instruct the Soldier how to to recognize which shoe went with which foot. The Soldier did remember how to tie the laces. The man left and again the Soldier stood silently. 

This time a woman was brought in crying hysterically and begging in Russian. In her arms she clutched a small child to her bosom as she was thrown to the floor. The Guards left and the Soldier was ordered to retrieve the knife.-

“I don’t think I can watch this!” Bruce exhaled as he gripped the table white knuckled. The others agreed feeling sick inside but felt frozen in place by the horror they were witnessing.

-The Soldier remained frozen in the corner as he looked upon the trembling woman who was pleading with him in Russian, her infant crying. The Trainer barked his command but The Soldier did not move forward, his body appeared to be shaking.

“Soldier,...you know your orders!” The Trainer's voice held a violent and threatening tone and the woman cried as she shook her head, eyes remaining on the Soldier who began to back away from her until his back hit the wall, his breathing rapid and heavy.  
“Soldier,.... complete your mission,.... terminate the targets!” The Trainer was angry, his voice promising pain if the Asset did not comply. Suddenly and without warning the Soldier let out an anguished cry as he used the knife to slit his own wrist, deep and long, the blood pouring out immediately as he fell to his knees and then onto his side. The woman had stopped crying and drew a cross in the air before the cell door flew open and there was a frenzy of motion. One guard shot the woman and child point blank while the others quickly grabbed the unconscious and blood soaked Soldier and hurried from the room shouting in alarm. -

The clip ended and every one sat in silent shock, Steve’s face was white and his hands were shaking. Sam sighed and again patted his back. Stark ordered the video to be paused and they all took a moment to contemplate.

“He.....He tried to kill himself.” Steve spoke with a voice that sounded strange and broken. “Even after they took his identity, and broke his will for freedom,.... he still knew he’d rather die than kill that woman and child.” Steve sighed and wiped the wetness from his eyes as he turned to the others. “I don’t know whether to feel dishearten or proud.....” Steve shook his head.

“I think both feelings would be appropriate.” Natasha offered her own face locked in a blank expression but her eyes betraying her emotions.

“It wasn’t an act of cowardice,. it was defiance and desperation,.......But knowing that he is prepared to kill himself if he feels pushed to that point, trapped without any sense of hope,...... It is something we should keep in mind.” Bruce sighed and Hawk Eye nodded his agreement.

“You,...... you think he would do that again?..... Why,.... why would....” Steve’s voice sounded hurt and confused and defensive at the same time.

“Steve,...... Bruce isn’t saying that he will,.... just,.... this is gonna be a very difficult recovery and he is gonna be confused and angry and probably feel some of those same emotions of being trapped and helpless,..... not by us but by his own mind...... And once he begins to remember the things they made him do,..... we just gotta make sure he doesn't snap and try to end his pain,..... show him he can get through it.” Sam offered. “ A lot of vets don’t know how to deal with what they have been through and some turn to suicide because they don’t see a way out of the pain, the nightmares, the fear, anxiety, depression...... Bucky has been used against his will as a weapon for the organization he fought against.... Once he remembers who he is,..... that realization is gonna hit him hard.... We just have to be prepared to keep him safe from harming himself.” Sam concluded and received a nod of understanding.

“How much more of this do we have to watch Jarvis?” Stark asked as he covered his face in his hands and leaned on the table.

Sir...... I have complied only a few more selections from the video archive Project Fist of Hydra,..... It is not my decision that you watch the remainder of the selected documentations however one of them pertain directly to an interaction that occurred between The Winter Soldier and The Black Widow, there is also information about his combat training and when he was transported from Russia to the United States..... It is up to Captain Rogers' if he believes the information necessary. 

All eyes went to Natasha who looked up in surprise at hearing her code name. She looked to Steve with an expression that suggested she needed to know what intel Hydra had on her and how it related to the Winter Soldier. Steve nodded his understanding, aware that asking the woman who the Soldier had shot twice and tried to kill, for help bringing him back to himself was a big favor.

“Great,..... not the answer I was hoping for but sure!.... Lets keep this party going!” Stark sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Go ahead Jarvis,.... give us more bad dreams!” The Screen flickered to life and again Zola was staring at the camera with a troubled look.

*During the training session The Asset was ordered to terminate assigned targets. He followed his directives twice however upon the third assignment, a woman and her child, the Asset chose to ignore the orders and used his knife to slit the wrist of his right arm. He was immediately treated by our medical team and despite the loss of blood, the weapon was salvaged. After he was repaired and severely punished for his defiance, we investigated his thought process to determine the motivation behind his actions and how to prevent this self-destructive action in the future. It appears that despite his conditioning and programing, he still feels a negative emotional response during and after the act of killing. We have again consulted our team of Psychologists that have recommended that we emphasis the importance of his missions as a necessity toward furthering Hydra’s goals of freedom and progress for mankind. Apparently the Man who has become our weapon still needs a sense of doing the right thing for the right purpose. We have now integrated the reinforcement of Hydra’s goals using language that would appeal to the conscious of the Weapon. When a Handler assigns the Soldier a mission, it is important to remind him that he is the Fist of Hydra, helping to save the world and set it free from the chaos of war. The chemical compounds he will receive during revitalization will assist in reassuring his mind that our order’s are not to be questioned and that what his Handler's tell him is right and true. This should assure his compliance and willingness to carry out his assignments.*

The screen changed again and there was an image of the Winter Soldier, hair slightly longer in a gymnasium. A voice was recorded onto the video feed.

-Combat Training Phase 6, Hand to Hand”

The Solider was in his tactical gear, muzzle on with no weapons. He was surrounded by ten Hydra combatants in full armor and batons. Six more agents stood further back with guns monitoring the training. The bald Trainer stood nearby shouting orders.

“Soldier Fight Position!” The Winter Soldier stepped back and his arms came up ready for the attack. “Strike Team advance!” The armored men advanced on the Soldier and he fought back with speed and concise movements, disarming his assailants and throwing them across the room and into each other. It was obvious that he had been instructed not to break or grievously injure the attackers and as one of them landed a baton across his back he stumbled with a grunt but used a back kick as he twisted his body and came down with an elbow on another and used a fallen baton across the helmet of another. a Whistle was blown and the attack stopped as the Trainer shouted in anger.

“Soldier, First Position.” Instantly he dropped to his knees, hands behind his head as before. The Trainer shook his head as the combatant with the broken helmet was helped to his feet by the others, clearly dizzy as he was escorted out. The Trainer picked up the baton and walked over to the Soldier, using the end to lift his chin.

“What were your orders Soldier?” He demanded.

“Disarm and subdue enemy combatants without the use of weapons.” The voice from the Winter Soldier was monotone and flat.

“And what is this?” The Trainer held the baton in front of his eyes. There was still no emotional response in his voice but the Soldier lowered his eyes and dropped his head slightly.  
“A baton is a weapon.” He responded. His body tensed as if aware of the next course of action. The Trainer struck his exposed torso with the baton several times as the Soldier remained with his arms locked behind his head even as he grunted with pain behind clenched teeth. The Trainer stepped back and then back handed him across his face before stepping forward again and grabbing the Soldier by his hair.

“You will follow orders or be punished,.... understood?” The Soldier nodded and croaked a “Yes.” 

“ Get up!..... Fight position!” The trainer walked away and the Soldier staggered to his feet, pain evident in his posture and body language but face blank.   
“Strike Team advance!” Again they descended upon him and he fought back, ignoring the likely fractured ribs and bruised kidneys. After only another five minutes the combatants were staggered around the room slowly picking them selves up as the Soldier stood in the middle waiting for orders.*

The video clip ended and a new one started, the audience now watching with anger that had calmed into a reluctance acceptance, unwilling to let the grief wash over them. When the new image came to life however, a serious discomfort passed through them.

-“Combat Training Phase 9: Knife Fighting”

The Soldier stood in fighting position in what looked like a large freezer surrounded by corpses that were propped up by chains and wooden structures. He was ordered to attack and slice the major arteries which he did with speed and efficiency, one body after another until all where cut and sliced. He then stood still until ordered to drop the knife and assumed the submissive position.

“Combat Training phase 14: Long Range Assassination”

The Soldier was crouched on a roof top with a rifle in his hand and was firing at a multitude of moving targets that where on tracks that zig zagged back and fourth. His aim was impeccable and and his speed again faster then any sniper in a standard military. Once all the targets were shot he waited for the orders. The Trainer appeared on camera and ordered him to drop his weapon and get in First Position. The bald man held a walkie talkie to his ear as static Russian was communicated. He then walked over to the Soldier.  
“You were ordered to aim for the head of each target, two of the forty where shot in the chest. Remove your vest Soldier.” The Winter Soldier complied with the order, exposing his bare torso and back and then raised his arms back up, locked behind his head. His breathing escalated as his body tensed. The Trainer removed from his belt a whip with several thin cords. He struck the Soldier several times on his chest and back receiving only grunts of pain in response. The Trainer then stepped back and order the Soldier to reclaim his weapon. He lifted the walkie talkie and ordered the Hydra operative on the other line to finish reloading the targets.-

“Jarvis,..... enough of the combat training...... Just,...... show us the footage of when he gets to the States.” Steve sighed feeling nauseous again and desperately wanting the tutorial of his friends endless suffering to be over.

Yes Sir,.... there were 26 combat training videos in total I had selected the shortest ones. I will move forward to the first video recorded upon his relocation to the United States of America.

Steve and the others who had been slouching in their seats, body language reflecting their emotional exhaustion, sat up straight with intense expressions on their faces. Steve’s jaw locked and his fists clenched as the familiar face of Alexander Pierce came into view, much younger, a man in his early thirties with a gleeful smile.

*The American’s branch of Hydra is very excited about our recent acquisition of the weapon known as the Fist of Hydra. The Soviet Union is on it’s last legs and The United States of America is the recognized world power and so he has been brought here! His last mission he had been on loan to us in 1963 but the Russian’s wanted him back. According to the late Doctor Zola, the Weapon will be functionally operational for approximately 14 more missions before his body will no longer be able to maintain it’s self out of Cryo-freeze. I have our own scientists and medical professionals looking into how we can continue to sustain his physical integrity but we will be selective with his use regardless. I have reviewed the training video’s as has our staff and other agent’s to ensure there is no erratic behavior once his is awake and ready for his mission. This is a great day for Hydra and for America!*

“Scumbag!” Clint huffed and the others shook their heads in disgust at Pierce’s smile. 

Sir...... I must warn you that based on your collective energy signals and level of distress perhaps it is wise to take a brief recess before continuing as this next video will no doubt be emotional difficult to process. It relates to the Mission the Winter Solider completed when he shot the Black Widow but did not kill her.

Tony raised his eyes and looked over to the others. Bruce was rubbing his for head.

“That might be an excellent idea Jarvis..... I personally could use a breather because the other Guy is getting mighty anxious!” Banner’s tone was strained and Steve looked at Tony and nodded.

“Lets take a break for a while and meet back up after Lunch,.... I need to go let off some Steam!...... Sorry for the punching bags Tony,.... I will get some new ones!” The Captain’s tone held no humor as he stood up, his face locked in a grimace, body tense. He was up and out the door a moment later.

“Nat,.... how about a drink?” Hawk Eye sighed and the usually silent assassin nodded, her eyes still distant, expression blank. Clint’s face held a concerned expression and she offered him a shadow of a smile as a reassurance that she was fine. They stood and excited quietly, leaving the other three in silence.

Sam rubbed his face and looked over at Banner.  
“Looks like we got our work cut out for us!” He sighed as the information sank in like a tone of bricks. 

Stark stood up and rubbed the back of his own neck.

“I have been trying to keep myself together since Loki showed up and nearly wipped out New York!........I thought I was gonna die, Pepper,... the rest of the dream team!.... Didn’t even realize how scared I was until after it was all over..... and the nightmares started........ Had managed to get past them before after I was taken hostage and had my own round of beat down by those Terrorist pieces of shit but this.........How the hell are we gonna help this kid after he’s been,........” He shook his head and leaned against the wall looking at Sam and then Bruce.

“We have to show him that he’s not a weapon,.... not some object that can be ordered and commanded!...... We teach him what it means to be human again..... thats the first step.” Bruce sighed as he stood up and stretched.

“And after that,.... once he remembers all the violent fucked up shit they did to him,.... and worse of all the blood they made him spill?.... What then?” Tony spoke with a level of frustration, realizing that he needed to get into his suite and go for a fly, one of the things that seemed to help prevent his oncoming panic attacks. Something about being up in the air and amongst the clouds was relaxing and helped him clear his mind much like meditation did for Bruce.

“Then we tell him it wasn’t his fault,.... we let him cry, scream, break shit, and fall apart,.... then help him put the pieces back together and focus on his future instead of his past!....It’s all any of us can do. We all have been through some shit that brings memories we don’t want and feelings we struggled to breath with,.... but..... hope,....they took it away from him,.... we can give it back.... As long as we show him how to believe in himself and that he can live again,.... he can make it.” Sam nodded, needing to believe his own words even if he felt the same doubt as the others. Bruce smiled as he walked past Sam patting him on the back. He turned before he excited.

“I see why Steve brought you into this mess,... you are a calm voice of reason when the rest of us are struggling to keep our heads!.... Glad your part of the Team Sam!” Bruce nodded and then left to go check on his patient and then meditate some where peaceful.

“I agree with Banner,... you are gonna be way more helpful to Steve and our new rescue then I could ever be,.... got too much of my own shit to figure out!” Stark mumbled as he headed for the exit. He stopped as Sam rest a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, maybe,..... but I have a feeling this guy is gonna need some words of wisdom from someone who has been through some of the same shit..... You might surprise yourself when it comes time,.... might even help you too!” Sam offered and received a smirk from Stark before he left, heading strait for his suite. Sam was alone with his thoughts and in his privacy he let out a heavy sigh.

“Sam,.... what the hell have you gotten your self into!” He pondered out loud before shaking his head. He was heading to his guest room deciding to go for a run


	12. Broken Crown

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Broken Crown"

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue  
I'll never be your chosen one  
I'll be home safe and tucked away  
Well You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong  
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs  
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie  
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie

I will not speak of your sin  
There was a way out for Him  
The mirror shows not  
Your values are all shot

But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness  
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away  
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate

Steve was dripping sweat, his body shaking with adrenaline as he punched the gigantic bag in the gym connected to the training area of the Avenger’s tower. With every punch, every strike he pictured the horrific images from the videos playing in his minds eyes. HIT, Bucky in his cell, HIT, Bucky holding the dead girl in his arms, HIT, Bucky fighting to get out of that chair, HIT, Bucky screaming in pain, HIT, Bucky loosing his name, HIT, Bucky slitting the man’s throat, HIT, Bucky slitting his own wrist, HIT, Bucky getting beaten, HIT, Bucky getting whipped, HIT, Zola, HIT, The bald trainer, HIT, Pierce, HIT, HIT, HIT. He was lost in his anger, his pain and his despair, each hit accented by a cry of rage. He was so absorbed he didn’t notice when Natasha and Clint came in, standing by the door way motionless, watching him brutally decimate a special bag that Stark had bought for Steve specifically, aware that the Super Soldier went through heavy bags like the Hulk went through a Semi truck.

Sam returned from his run and stopped on his way toward his guest room when he heard the anguished cries echoing down the hall. He walked toward the gym and slowed as he saw Natasha and Clint in the door way. He joined them with a sigh and nod as hey watched Steve take on the 700 lb bag with a force that could crush a man’s skull through a military grade helmet in one punch. Sam’s eyes grew and his body stiffened with out thought. He turned toward the two jaded assassin's and to their credit, they appeared perfectly calm, just mildly concerned and empathetic.

“Have you,.... every seen him like this?” Sam asked out loud. Both seemed to answer at the same time shaking their heads. “Dontcha think maybe......” Sam trailed off as Natasha nodded her head. She walked toward Rogers slowly, with caution. When she got a few feet away she stopped and called out his name. First Cap,... then Captain Rogers, then Steve, then she yelled as loudly as she could the name she knew would get his attention....”BUCKY!” He stopped and turned to her with a dazed expression blinking, panting as he wiped the sweat from his brow, surprised to see her.

“Bucky needs to wake up soon,..... needs to start living again!..... We need to get through this intel......it’s time Cap!” Natasha spoke slowly and clearly, her voice concrete but not demanding. Her eyes searched his, lips pursed as she analyzed his awareness, if he was in the present or still lost in the images of his friend’s past. Steve closed his eyes and leaned on the bag, his right arm raised above his head. He was breathing harshly through his noise, trying to calm down. After a moment he opened his eyes again and fixed her with a clear, poignant look. He nodded then stood up strait.

“Thanks.” He sighed with a nod in recognition that in all likely hood he would not have stopped anytime soon. He walked with deliberate steps toward the exit, unrolling the bloody tape from around his knuckles, unflinching. He stopped when he came upon Sam and Clint, blinking as if realizing how out of it he must have been to not notice them.

“You guys ready?” He asked still breathing heavy but calmly. They both nodded and so did he. “Give me 5 to rinse off and i’ll be up there.” Steve stated, his pace increasing as he made it a point to stop by the lab to check on Bucky. As he jumped in the elevator and rode up to the floor he sighed again and steadied himself. What every else he watched that day, no matter his feelings, his hatred and his desperate anger, he had to remind himself that Bucky needed him,...... needed him to be tough but kind, patient and comforting. He had seen the pain and rage burning in his friends confused eyes and knew that he had to let his intense and violent feelings go to help Bucky overcome his own.

Steve stepped out of the elevator and round the corner into Bruce’s lab stopping short as he saw Stark in his Ironman suite, face mask off, standing next to Banner who held up some charts. Both wore serious faces and Steve’s heart dropped, his breath catching. They turned to see him and their expressions shifted at his pale and wide eyed expression.

“What...... what happened?.....What’s wrong!” Steve demanded closing distance.

“Woha, easy Cap....... everything is fine!” Stark stuck out an arm to slow him down. He did but only because he could see Bucky, and he appeared to look the same as before, calm and resting. “Jesus man look at your knuckles!” Stark exclaimed at the bloody hands.

“I’m fine ,they’ll heal......What happened!?” Steve insisted. 

“Steve,..... It’s okay,.... we were just talking about the side effects from his detox once he wakes up.” Bruce reassured.

“I thought you where giving him something for that?” Steve stammered as he took a step back.

“I am,..... I did,... it’s just..... jugging by his brain activity and the secretion of certain psyco active toxins from his body due to detox,...... I am concerned that he will be a little worse for ware then I had initially thought.....”Banner tried to explain with out creating alarm.

“What,.....What dose that mean?” Steve demanded feeling slightly frustrated.

“Hallucinations,..... dreaming while awake,.... that area of his brain was suppressed for a good bit of time and now that it’s almost all healed up, the build up of chemicals that are normally released during REM sleep are gonna start pouring out, already have....” Stark pointed to an influx in yellow on the brain imaging machine.....” He will be having vivid dreams while asleep and wicked hallucinations while awake,... kinda like an Acid trip or maybe more like DM,T which are both normally kinda fun but..... for a guy who just broke free from a super abusive, mass murdering cult,.... maybe not such a great time!” Stark offered up with a pat on his back. “I am going to go get out of My Ironman and get into my comfy cloths, last chapter to go pal!” Stark sighed as he walked out of the room.

“So,..... He’s gonna be nauseous, soar,...... get migraines when he remembers and to top it off, he’s gonna be hallucinating?” Steve summed up with a bitter twist of his mouth. Banner sighed and nodded.

“If I could up the dosage I would Steve but,.... If we are gonna get him off this stuff,.... he’s gotta detox..... But before his body was too sick and broken to have lived through it,.... now at least he will be physically able to survive it.” Bruce stated with hope.

“What ..... what about mentally?” Steve sighed, eyes tired. Banner opened his mouth then shut it and shook his head as he shrugged. Steve nodded and leaned down over Bucky as he gripped his hand careful not to get blood on him. “We’ll get through this Bucky!.... I am with you,.... Till the end of the line!” He said softly. Steve kissed his friends hand and set in back down before turning as he walked out of the lab headed for the shower,.... Natasha was right, Bucky had to wake up.

............................................................................................................................................

The Soldier was on a mission, walking with his riffle ready toward a burning, over turned car. His steps where sturdy, sure footed and deliberate. His only thought was on terminating the target. He crouched down and looked into the car at the burning corpses, the smell of frying flesh sickening as he struggled to breath through his mouth instead of his noise. He counted the bodies inside, Two adults, one Male, the target, one Female and one child.....Female, collateral damage. He stared at the dead child who was hanging upside down from her child safety seat, blond pigtails sizzling. In her hands she clutched a small plastic baby doll that was melting onto her pink dress. The Soldier stood up and turned away. Walking toward the rendezvous point, a feeling of sickness and discomfort in the pit of his stomach but he wasn't sure why. 

He stopped abruptly as he looked up and realized he was surround by snow. He looked around in bewilderment, unsure where he was. He heard a crying sound, wet and rasping and chocked even as the blizzard wind whipped past his face, freezing him with a bone chilling cold more then Cryo. He walked forward, lowering his riffle as the snow crunched below his heavy foot steps. He came to a sudden stop as he saw the blood in the snow. He took a step, then another and another until he saw him, a man dressed in blue with a bloody stub of an arm. He continued forward with causation until he was standing over him. The man opened his eyes, blue eyes like his. They looked at one another and the bloody man in the snow reached up toward him with his right arm, blue lips trembling as he spoke one word. “Remember.” The Asset felt a panic in his chest, a swelling fear of something known but long forgotten. He felt threatened. He grabbed his riffle pointed it at the man, the man who he recognized was Sargent James Barns, and shot him in his head point blank and everything turned red.

............................................................................................................................................

Steve was the last one to enter the conference room, hair still wet from the rinse off. He nodded at his fellow Avengers and took a seat, egger to get the last video’s over with.

“We filled in Frick and Frack and Wings over here about the Super Sick, Super Tripping, Super Soldier that we are about to wake up after this last little stroll down memory lane and every one is Super Stoked!” Stark smiled brightly although it never reached his eyes that had been dark and glossed over since he first laid eyes on the Electro Chair during the mission. Natasha rolled her eyes at him and Clint hide a smirk and shake of his head.

“You ready?” Sam asked. Steve sighed then nodded again.

“Let’s get it over with!” He muttered as the screen once more came to life.

-The Soldier was hanging by his bound arms from the celling of a cell, his body broken and bloody, shaking as he breathed hissing and wet, the sound of a punctured lung. His hair was long and hung over his lowered head, masking his face. There where several men around him in black guard outfits, some holding their guns and other’s with batons, electric prods and whips. They looked at the weapon with almost sympathy, as if they weren’t comfortable continuing their torturous assault on his body. A door opened and in walked Pierce, looking much more like his modern day self but with a few less wrinkles. His face was stern, jaw locked as he looked at the other men in the room.

“Did I order you to stop?” Pierce spoke with a low, threatening tone that sent tension through the air.

“No sir,.... It’s just,..... Protocol dictates his Handler must explain why he is being punished before the beating,...... He,..... He just keeps saying he does not Comprehend.” One man answered with an almost sympathetic tone.

Steve sat up strait, eyes wide as did Natasha and Clint, recognizing Rumlow’s voice. He was off to one side with a baton in his hand, his face a few years younger and eyes softer then they were now.

Pierce walked over toward him and snatched the baton from his hand. He turned back around and began striking the Soldier across his already broken torso down to his legs.

“I.....Don’t...... Give......A.....Fuck......About.......Zola’s........Stupid......Protocol!” He accented each word with a brutal strike. The Soldier was past the point of controlling his reactions and openly cried out in pain, blood dripping down from his muzzle as he chocked, unable to breath.

“Sir,..... he,.....he cant breath,,,,,He’s gonna exphisate!” Rumlow stepped past Pierce risking being hit him self as he removed the blood soaked muzzle from the Weapon's face. He looked at Pierce who’s eyes were a quiet rage. He showed him the muzzle and shook his head. “Whats the point of beating him if he doesn't understand what he’s done wrong?” Rumlow stated with a matter of fact tone. Pierce looked at him appraisingly before finally nodding.

“You have guts talking to a senior agent like that,... let alone the Director,..... maybe one day you will make the Covert Opps Team,..... be a double agent infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D.” Pierce nodded and Rumlow smiled with a nod and stepped back. Pierce turned back toward The Soldier and used the baton to raise his chin. His hair fell back and his face was exposed.

“Mission Report!” Pierce spoke with a deceivingly calm voice and The Soldier trembled, as if the tone was one he knew meant he had failed, even if the beating was indication enough.

“Target......Eliminated...... Mission..... Completed.” The Soldier sputtered between gasping breaths in Russian, one eye swollen shut, the other looking at Pierce with fear and uncertainty, his voice shaking. His Handler grabbed his face roughly clenching his jaw.

“In English you idiot!...... Am I speaking to you in Russian!?” Pierce spat angrily. The Soldier shook his head and stated his answer again in English. “ Was the target alone?” Pierce asked switching back to the same chillingly calm voice as he released the Soldier’s face.

“N....No.” The Soldier’s voice sounded broken and unsure.

“Who was with him?” Pierce asked holding the club just under the Soldiers chin.

“A... A Female,...... Red Hair...... Natasha Romenoff,.... Code name.... The Black Widow...... Ex-KGB.” The Soldier stammered with difficulty, his breathing choked as more blood spilt over his trembling lips, a pained expression on his face. 

“And did you Terminate her?” Pierce asked, his tone regaining it’s angry edge.

“Black Widow.... blocked Target,....She was ......shot to terminate target,.... She was disarmed and .......injured,.... no longer ....... a threat to mission completion.” the Soldier rasped his words out in a pleading tone.

“Is she still alive?” Pierce asked with a snide tone.

“Unconfirmed.” The Soldier responded and was greeted by another strike hard as he let out a cry at the sound of breaking bone. A man with a white lab coat stepped in, meekly interrupting.

“I...I am sorry Sir,..... but the lead medical technician requested that you stop breaking his bones as it will take longer to heal and we have a dead line for cryo-freeze before we transport back to D.C.” The man adjusted his glasses and bowed his head meekly.

“Fine!” Pierce sighed and threw the baton on the ground and picked up the electric cattle prod. He held it to the Soldier’s skin and the man’s body jerked violently with a painful cry. Perice stepped forward again.

“Agent Romenoff is a threat to Hydra,... She is our enemy!....... Why did you spare her?”   
Pierce demanded.

“Wasn’t the assigned target......not the mission!” The Soldier whimpered, the pain breaking through his normally calm complacency.

“SHE IS A THREAT TO HYDRA!” Pierce screamed and held the Cattle prod between The Soldier’s legs that where covered in torn combat paints. The Soldier shrieked in pain and the men gathered around actually looked away, some grabbing their own private area’s with looks of horror. He pulled the prod away and the Soldier was sucking in air loudly as he breathed out with painful groans.

“You’re purpose is to neutralize threats to Hydra,.... you are our great protector!” Pierce’s voice changed again, his tone almost soft and gentle. “We depend on you to help us give the world the freedom it deserves.... You failed Hydra today...... You failed me.... You let a deadly and very capable threat to our vision live,.... now she will cause us more damage..... more work will have to be done..... all because YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO RECOGNIZE HER AS A TARGET!” His voice changed again and he jabbed the electric prod at the Soldier’s torso repeatedly, anger in his eyes and words. The Soldier’s body shook and convulsed, circular electric burns decorating his entire body. Pierce stopped after a few moments, breathing heavy himself before handing the prod back to one of the guards. He stepped back and gestured to the restraints. “Take him down,.... put him on his knees.” Rumlow and another guard unfastened the restraints and the the Soldier fell hard, crumpling on the ground with a shattered cry of pain. They hoisted him up onto his knees and he leaned awkwardly, obviously having difficulty putting pressure on one side that looked possibly broken. 

“Look at me Soldier,......Look at me when I speak to you!” Pierce demanded and the weapon looked up, one eye blinking with out wetness, unable to cry tears despite his intense pain.

“Next time you meet Natasha Romenoff,....or Any potential threat to Hydra,.... what will you do?” Pierce asked like a disappointed father, chastising a naughty child.

“Eliminate,... all... threats to Hydra!” The Weapon answered back with a tone that begged forgiveness. Pierce nodded and patted his head like a dog.

“Good boy!.... Lets get him strapped to that recovery table, audio on. I need him healed and back in Cryo by next week.....Skip the wipe this time,..... I want him to remember this!” Pierce called out as he excited the cell. Rumlow nodded calling yes sir and with the help of several other’s they picked up the Soldier who was barely conscious.

“Easy Big Guy,.... You’ll be okay!” Rumlow comforted as they moved him from the cell, The Soldier whimpering in pain. =

Once again Steve looked pale and his hand covered his mouth, eyes wet. The others shifted and sighed.

“I guess he has a reason to want to kill me!” Natasha huffed with a bitter laugh, her face solum as she looked down.

“He doesn't anymore,.....Gotta leave it in the past Nat!” Clint sighed and squeezed her hand.

“I wish I could Kill Pierce...”Steve spoke absentminded, the name sour in his mouth.

“Join the club old man!” Stark sighed with sincerity as the last selected video clip played. Instantly, the Avenger’s recognized the location of the video to be at the base they had infiltrated the night before.

-The Soldier was sitting in the electro chair, his metal arm outstretched as a man in a white lab coat used small metal tools that hissed electricity as he repaired the arm. There were the men in black, the guards, guns out and other white coats milling about. The expression on the Soldier’s face was vacant and distant, eyes unfocused. Suddenly a look of pain crossed his face and his arm lashed out sending the medical technician flying. The Guards all raised their guns and pointed them at The Soldier who remained still, a lost and confused expression growing on his face. There was a man’s voice who stated “He’ s erratic,” and then Pierce walked in, looking like he did only a few weeks earlier. He walked up to the Soldier and stuck his hands in his pockets casually.

“Mission Report.” He stated with a sigh, a look of annoyance on his face. There was no response. Pierce gritted his teeth and then back handed the Soldier hard, his head whipping to the side. “Mission Report!” He said again with a slightly more stern tone as he crouched down eye level with the unresponsive weapon. 

The Soldier’s head slowly rolled back, his hair across his face. His eyes drifted up to meet Pierce.

“There was a man.....on the bridge.....Who was he?” His soft voice questioned his Handler, his tone knowing he was being defiant but his need to know out weighed his programming.

“He was with your Mission,..... you met him earlier this week.” Pierce sighed, studying his weapon with a degree of distain and impatience. The Soldier’s eyes considered this for a moment before stating his thought out loud.

“I knew him.” He stated with a confused expression that tried to place the familiar face.  
Pierce sighed again and began his speech, words to reassure his weapon of their just and worthy cause. It seemed that he had softened in the years since he was last upset with the Soldier’s performance in the field.

“Your work has been a gift to man kind. You’ve shaped the Century. Now I need you to do it one more time. The World is at a tipping point....But I can’t do my job if you don’t do yours! Help us give The World the freedom it deserves!” Pierce’s voice was once more reassuring and full of conviction but still the Soldier looked away and bit his lip.

“But I knew him!” He looked off to the side with a pensive look. Pierce stood up and sighed with disappointment.

“Prep him.” He waved carelessly toward the bewildered Soldier.

“Sir, he has been out of cryo for too long!” The Doctor stated with a flustered expression.

“Fine,... Then wipe him and start over.” Pierce excited, too busy to be bothered. The Soldier was pushed back roughly into the chair, a look of clear resentment on his face as he begrudgingly opened his mouth and excepted the mouth guard. As the restraints lower on his arms, The Soldier began to breath heavy, his body anticipating the pain. The head clams lowered and as the Doctor flipped the switch he cried out in shear agony, his memory of Steve and the recognition stripped away.-

The screen turned dark and the lights came back on as the Avengers all sighed and sat in contemplation. Steve looking down in deep thought, eye brow crumpled.

“You were right Steve,..... he did recognize you,.... both times.... What ever it is between you two, it’s stronger then programming and conditioning,....stronger then Hydra!” Sam confirmed, again feeling slightly guilty for his doubt only a few weeks earlier. 

Steve nodded and looked at Bruce. “He’s been asleep long enough,.... I am ready!” His voice was certain and he understood that his life was going to be centered around helping his best friend recover for as long as it took....Till The End of The Line.


	13. The Cave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So with this chapter I am attempting to depict the confusion of a man who has just become aware of himself and his feelings. I don’t know what it is like to go through detox after 70 years of mind numbing, brainwashing chemicals, steroids, uppers and downers,..... but I do know what it is like to trip on Acid and Mushrooms and while I like it, I can imagine the lack of cohesive thought and muscle coordination for a trained Soldier might be very alarming and disconcerting. Also in college in Physiological Psychology my Professor said one of the many things LSD did to a person’s brain was it raised up the inhibitors that blocked the receptors that released certain neurological chemicals that flowed in a person’s brain during REM sleep which was why tripping kind of feels like dreaming. Since the Winter Soldier was chemically kept from dreaming during Cryo, the build up of those chemicals has now flooded his mind resulting in the tripping sensation. When on these kind of drugs your emotions are strong and at times overwhelming and simple things can be difficult to understand or frightening. I don’t know if I was able to describe any of this accurately but here goes.

MUMFORD & SONS

"The Cave"

It's empty in the valley of your heart  
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk  
Away from all the fears  
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat  
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see  
But I have seen the same  
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

‘Cause I have other things to fill my time  
You take what is yours and I'll take mine  
Now let me at the truth  
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears  
I can see widows and orphans through my tears  
I know my call despite my faults  
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands  
And see the world hanging upside down  
You can understand dependence  
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call  
And sing all you want  
I will not hear what you have to say

‘Cause I need freedom now  
And I need to know how  
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

Steve was alone in the lab as he sat next to Bucky holding his flesh hand. Banner had disconnected the IV’s administering the sedatives and had excited. It had been discussed and decided that Bucky would be introduced to each Avenger one at a time so as not to overwhelm him or create a combative situation. For that reason Natasha would be the last one he would meet, the others there to prevent The Soldier from his possible aggression toward her.

Steve looked up with a confused expression as tranquil music began to play over the speaker system, an easy, melodic jazz that Steve instantly recognized and smirked.

“It was my idea but Natasha chose the music!” He heard Tony’s voice over the speaker with the music.

“Thanks guys!” Steve chuckled. He heard muttering over the intercom and could picture all five of them somewhere in the tower watching him and Bucky. He would feel annoyed at the intrusiveness of it but after the past twenty-four hours it didn’t seem like a big deal and was actually kind of understandable.

“Oh,.... and Bruce says ask him how he’s feeling when he wakes up..... Like he wasn’t going to ask that?” The first part of Tony’s comment was directed toward Steve and the latter was mumbled to the voices in the background. Steve smiled and then sat up straighter as he saw Bucky’s eyes fluttered, his body stiring slightly.

“Bucky?......” Steve could here his voice almost crack and once more a smile graced his face.

The Soldier was regaining consciousness and he struggled to recognize his sense of awareness. He heard noise from up above,..... music? And could feel his flesh hand in cased in what felt like another person’s gentle grip. He opened his eyes slowly and blinked a few times as his eyes drifted around the room and over to the face of Steve, the man holding his hand. For a moment his heart froze as did his breathing but then he remembered that the Man named Steve was no longer his mission but his Handler. He exhaled unsteadily and looked down at his own body, confused by the lack of restraints and softness of the surface he was laying on. He with drew his hand from Steve’s and touched his own face realizing that he was not wearing the muzzle either and his brow knit in further confusion. His vision was strange and fragmented as was his hearing and he wondered if he was actually awake.

“You are in a medical lab at the Avenge’s Tower,.... we brought you here to recover and get well.” Steve explained. Bucky nodded but did not speak, his hooded eyes still unfocused and mouth set in a frown.

“How are you feeling Bucky?” Steve asked in a soft, gentle tone as he studied the puzzled expression on his friends face. The Soldier closed his eyes and contemplated the question before answering.

“Head,..... unfocused,..... altered vision,..... muscles soar,..... nausea....... not fully operational,..... further medical maintenance required.” The Soldier answered and turned toward his Handler who nodded his understanding.

“It’s gonna take time Bucky,.... your not going to be fully operational for a while,...... Hydra messed with you something awful!” Steve spoke the words in a reassuring tone but swallowed and looked down when he mentioned Hydra.

“Messed with?” The Soldier questioned, his eyes confused and locked on Steve.

“Yeah,..... the ummm,.... chemicals and drugs they put into your system hurt your body and it will take time to heal.” The Soldier looked at him with uncertainly.

“Hydra fixed me.” He stated with a small voice not wanting to be reprimanded for defying his new Handler.

“No, they told you they were fixing you,.... but the drugs made your body dependent and they were actually hurting you but making you feel strong,.... the Doctor here said your body was very weak from the bad drugs and he will be helping you feel better without needing them.” Steve tried to explain to Bucky in a simple way that his clouded, confused mind could process. The Soldier looked at where the IV had been attached to his arm and then looked at Steve, his eyes suggesting that he didn’t understand the difference if this Doctor was also putting things into his body. Steve sighed and reached out touching the Soldier’s face. He flinched at first, expecting to be struck for speaking with out permission but then relaxed as the warm feeling of the flesh on his cheek filled him with comfort, still confused by the sensation and unsure of the name but knowing it was good. “Just trust me okay Buck,..... We are not like Hydra!.... There are other people here that want to help you,.... not hurt you.... and in a little while,.... if you are feeling up to it...... we can go meet them together.” He did not move his hand as Bucky was pressing into it with his own flesh hand in a fist on his chest, eyes shut tight. 

The Winter Soldier still did not fully comprehend the meaning of trust either but knew it meant letting Steve, his Handler be in charge which was understandable and expected. He opened his eyes when Steve finally removed his hand. His frosty blue eyes blinked as he looked into Steve’s warm gaze and soft smile.

“What are you thinking right now?” Steve asked after a moment in a gentle tone.

“Touch,....... can feel good.” The Soldier responded after a moment, his vocabulary still limited. Steve chuckled softly and nodded as he took the Soldier’s hand again and with his other stroked Bucky’s face gently sighing with happiness that at least now, he could be here for Bucky when he needed him. Somehow all the rage and despair and guilt that had consumed his every thought was instantly placed on the back burner and his heart swelled with the Immense sense of gratefulness and relief at hearing his friends simple words. 

“Do you want to sit up?” Steve asked and almost instantly his positivism diminished slightly at the frown on the Soldier's face and confusion at the question instead of an order. He wasn’t sure when or how he was going to address the topic of free choice and self determination but he knew it would have to be sooner then later. “Can you sit up?” He changed the phrasing but tried to avoid voicing it as an order. 

The Soldier nodded and struggled to an upright position with Steve’s assistance, bringing his legs over the side. Upon becoming vertical the Soldier instantly made a face as the room’s dramatic tilt seemed to shake in his vision, everything appearing bright and distorted. Then came the vertigo and he gaged as he gripped his stomach with one hand and his head with the metal one.

“It’s okay,..... Just breath Bucky,.... I know you feel rough pal!” Steve sighed as he rubbed his back up and down. 

“My eyes.......” The Soldier opened his eyes again and blinked as he looked at things around him and then at his own hands. He shook his head in confusion but not alarm.

“What do you see?” Steve asked with a cautious tone. He did not know what it was like to take hallucinogens but Stark gave him an idea.

“Everything is shinny,....bright,.......different.....” His lack of words was frustrating and he felt like he could not accurately describe the altered state of his vision and mind. Every thought was slow and labored, his vision shook and he felt scared and vulnerable but also safe with Steve at his side. It was so strange to feel anything at all let alone so many confusing and disjointed sensations. He trembled at his loss of strength and defensive power, feeling ashamed but still unfamiliar with the term. He covered his face with his hand and found himself leaning into Steve who was standing next to him but moved to wrapped him in a hug, one hand on his back the other in his long hair, messaging softly as the Soldier pressed his forehead to his Handler's chest. It was so confusing, everything he was feeling and trying to think, none of it made sense and all of it went against his basic knowledge of how a weapon and Handler were suppose to interact. Yet despite his overwhelming confusion and uncertainty, he still felt a desperate need for this physical comfort, a longing in his chest that he could only compare to the way his throat burned when in need of hydration.

“I got you Bucky!..... I know it’s hard,.....it will be okay through,.... it will pass!” Steve stood still holding the trembling man as the soothing music filled the room. After a while one of the computer screens he was facing brought up a video feed with Stark's face at the center and Banner leaning over him. The sound was off but they were talking and Tony was writing, a text box popping up next to his image.

* Banner is suggesting he take a warm bath,...... water is relaxing and it will make him feel less sore,...... I would suggest hot tube party but that may be premature......* Banner rolled his eyes and pushed Tony to the side and began typing as the two clearly were in an animated discussion. Behind them he could see Sam shaking his head and half laughing at what ever it was Stark was rambling about.

*First, bring him to the room on that floor closest to the elevator in about ten minutes. We have set up a table with chairs and will have a warm clear chicken broth and saltines for him to eat. They should help with the nausea and with the Re-feeding syndrome. We would bring it to the lab but I think a change in environment would be best. Also Tony wants you to know that the balcony off of your joining rooms is completely secure. He has an invisible force field cloaked on the whole building and it will prevent anything from coming in and will also keep him from jumping out just in case.* The last bit was written with an apologetic face when Banner looked at Steve’s expression. The Captain nodded and continued the comforting touch and occasional reassurances that everything would be okay. 

After a few moments he backed up and The Soldier raised his eyes, his expression still confused and lost, but also wary as he looked around the lab with discomfort. 

“Come on,.... lets get out of here.” Steve backed up so Bucky could stand but held out his arm. The Soldier placed himself on unsteady legs and moved forward stiffly. “You can walk okay?” Steve questioned and received a nod, Bucky’s eyes were not frantic but would not or could not focus on one thing and he seemed distracted. Steve smiled again in reassurance and lead the way with a hand on his friend’s back, guiding him toward the door and steadying him as he walked, swaying, unable to go strait, his face frustrated by his lack of balance and depth perception. As they moved out into the hallway, the Soldier’s gaze was fixed on the floor and on moving his feet forward. He felt himself loose his footing and was going to fall but Steve caught him and kept him moving forward now guiding with both hands.

Together, side by side they approached the door to the joining bed rooms and Steve brought him inside and told him to sit on the bed. The Soldier followed the order with a stiff movement, his soreness obvious in his body language but not in his face that wore a vacant mask, attempting to hid his turbulent emotional state of distress. Steve opened his duffle bag and pulled out a dark blue short sleeve Shirt and gave it to his friend. Bucky struggled with his apparent lack of coordination, frustration and irritability growing as with great effort he managed to find the head hole and then the sleeves. He was shaking his head and muttering with a frown.

“You okay?” Steve asked in concern. The Soldier looked up and nodded once before grumbling Russian curses as he held up his hands and then shook his head.

“My body is not working as it should,.....I am......lost.....” He struggled with the words and then dropped his hands again with a grunt, jaw locked and eyes narrowed in anger at his own ineptness. Steve sighed and knelt down in front of his friend who despite his lack of memories and drug induced dysfunction, was amazingly just as stubborn and desperately independent as the Bucky he once knew.

“I know this is all really confusing and difficult Buck!......I am sorry that I can not make you fully operational right now but you will feel better soon and I promise that I will not let anything happen to you..... Your safe here!...... Please let me take care of you!” Steve asked with earnest eyes as he used his hands again on Bucky’s face aware of the power that touch was having in calming his distressed friend. 

The Soldier searched his Handler's eyes as he reached up with his flesh hand and placed it on Steve’s face, mirroring the gesture. The Soldier was programmed through repetition and while none of his experiences with this new handler were like anything he was conditioned to know or respond to, he felt an inmate understanding that he could not bring words to describe.

“Take....care...of?” The Soldier asked in a an unsteady voice, still not use to the freedom of asking questions with out consequence but clarification was needed if he was going to be able to function properly under the command of this Handler.

“Yes,...... I will help you get healthy again, learn what it means to be human, remember who you really are,...... provide comfort when you feel sick, or scared or you are upset....and teach you how to take care of your self too!” Steve added as his mind went to the food in the other room. He hesitated for a moment as he remembered the last time he tried to encourage the Soldier to eat and the strain it had put on their fledgling relationship of trust. He removed his hands and stood up as the Soldier let his own hand drop down in his lap as he closed his eyes and tried to will his consciousness to process and retain this new information. So many terms and phrases he did not yet know the meaning of and it added to his sense of feeling lost and unbalanced. Steve held out a hand.  
“Bucky,....... I need you to come with me to another room..... Don’t worry about feeling slow or if you have trouble walking...... You do not need to be fully operational right now..... There is no threat here and no one will be mad at you or punish you for not functioning efficiently....... You are safe.” Steve stated in a calm and deliberate manner trying to use words that his friend might understand to better communicate with the Soldier. He imagined after what the Soldier was use to, the hellish conditioning he was forced to endure, all of this must be terribly confusing and not knowing what to expect or how to react might make his drugged mind feel a sense of panic or fear. 

The Soldier looked up with his same lost expression, bottom lip in a pout as he nodded once with out fully understanding as he accepted the hand up and stood on shaking legs. Once more Steve guided him slowly and with patience through the door way and into the hall. Each step was accented with heavy breathing and determined focus as the Soldier willed himself to maintain balance and ignore his sore muscles. He contemplated some of the unfamiliar words his Handler had been using and repeating.

Worried,...... His mind drew a blank on description words or definition but an image of Steve’s face, eye brows ferruled and mouth frowning beneath eyes that held no anger, but something that made him feel like touching the face and offering......

Comfort...... Was that what it felt like when he was touched with out pain?.... The way his breathing slowed and his racing thoughts calmed. The way his body responded, leaning in to the touch. The lack of uncertainty or anger. It was a feeling of security of being......

Safe....... with out need for vigilance or concern for threat. It was like going to the Safe house after a mission was complete, the feeling of security that he had accomplished his objective and would not receive a punishment. 

Was that how he felt with Hydra?.... He had accepted his existence for so long, never contemplating a longing or desire for anything else,.... and yet he never felt safe,... not even after a mission. And the closest he came to comfort was being put back into Cryo-freeze and even that was not particularly enjoyable but was a welcomed relief from the time spent awake in the hostile, pain and blood filled hours and days of operating as the Fist of Hydra. Maybe Worried was similar to the feeling in his chest at the thought of failing a mission, of the consequences he would face. The Soldier stopped brooding over his confused and coagulated thoughts as he stopped at a door way, Steve still guiding him using gentle pressure on his shoulders and back.

“Go sit down in front of that bowl please.” Steve stated with a slight sigh when the Soldier did not move forward despite his increased pressure pushing his friend’s shoulder. The Soldier looked at the food with great trepidation and felt his stomach tighten, his fists locking. He looked back at Steve with such anxiety and desperation that Steve felt his own smile falter as his heart ached. “Bucky,..... Please,...... Trust me!” Steve pleaded walking in front of him and taking his flesh hand to pull him toward the chair and table. The Soldier moved with reluctant steps and sat stiffly in the chair with wide eyes and panicked breaths through his noise as he made a plaintiff sound in his throat. Steve sat next to him and kept one hand on his back and used the other to turn his fearful gaze toward him.

“Hey,..... I need you to listen to me,.... Calm down..... This is not going to hurt you!..... This will help you feel better!...... No More Pain!...... You must eat Bucky!...... You are a Human!” Steve’s voice was brimming with emotion between sadness and frustration to sincerity and reassurance. The Soldier looked at his Handler and nodded as he commanded his body to control his breathing and the tremors that shook his hands. He turned toward the soup, eyes focused on the clear yellow broth and crackers as if it was an explosive bomb that needed to be defused. Steve watched his friend’s intense stare and after a few more moments of silence began ordering him to eat with careful, simple instructions.

“Pick up the spoon,.....dip it in the broth and put it in your mouth,..... good,... now swallow like it is water.” Steve nodded his encouragement with a soft smile, messaging his friend’s back gently after each successful spoonful. The Soldier was cautious at first but as the warmth and ease of the food glided down his throat he began to recognize the sensation as pleasant. As he became more comfortable with the new process Steve dropped a cracker into the broth and The Soldier stopped in confusion, his head tilting and eyes asking for an explanation. Steve chuckled at the Soldier's drastic expression. “It’s good like that!...... The cracker will get soggy and easy to eat,.... you use to take stale bread and put it at the bottom of your soup bowl and then fill it up and eat it at the end..... You said it was your favorite part!” Steve smiled with fondness at the memory and nodded his encouragement.

The Soldier’s face transformed from confusion to contemplation as he reflected on his Handler’s words. Sargent James Barns would have enjoyed this process and Steve wants the Soldier to be him. The Soldier nodded once and continued to eat. He slurped the soggy cracker and discovered that he actually did enjoy the difference in texture. With slight hesitation he selected another cracker and looked to Steve for permission. Steve’s eyes lit up but his smile was thin, trying to mask his discomfort with his role of handler, and the constant need for orders and permission. Regardless, the Captain nodded his consent and sat with his friend, continuing to offer positive reinforcement through comforting touch. 

When the soup was empty like the crackers, the Soldier looked up with uncertainty at what was next to come. He had completed his Handler's assigned mission to consume the crackers and soup and felt a deep sense of satisfaction at the way Steve smiled at him, eyes pleased. The Soldier opened his mouth to speak and then closed it and looked back at the empty bowl.

“Do you want more?..... We have more!!!!” Steve spoke with enthusiasm, his tone indicating that to want more would be the desired response and so the Soldier nodded.

“Got it!....... Banner is on his way Cap!” Tony’s voice sounded over the speaker and the Soldier instantly tensed as he looked around for the source.

“It’s okay,.... Just one of the member’s of my team,.... one of the nice people who want to help,.... not hurt.” Steve reassured with a soothing tone rubbing his back.

“Who,......is.......Banner?” The Soldier questioned, again his voice slight and almost mumbled as if unsure he should ask.

“He is the doctor who is helping me heal you.” Steve explained. He paused as Bucky nodded again then looked at Steve with eyes that spoke more then the words he let escape his clenched jaw. He looked away again and rubbed his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat as he tried to focus his racing mind and the fear based adrenaline that coarse through his nervous system, invoking another involuntary tremor. Steve studied his friend’s reaction and touched his check softly to get his attention.

“Bucky, remember how I said I want you to ask me questions?” Steve asked trying to sound upbeat. He waited as the Soldier offered a small nod of his head, eyes staring at the empty bowl. “Good,.... Anytime you have a question or a thought that is confusing or you don’t understand,..... anytime your afraid or uncertain,...... please ask me and know that I will always answer you and never order you to be silent!” Steve waited for Bucky to nod and after a moment The Soldier raised his eyes to the door way as he heard the elevator, his body stiffening. “And that goes for the Doctor too,..... Bruce Banner wants to help you feel alright,..... I need you to answer his questions and ask him anything that you want to know or understand...... You have a right to know how other’s are affecting your mind and body!” Steve explained but The Soldier was only half listening, his heart hammering in his chest. and blood pounding in his ears. 

The word Doctor he recognized and it instantly filled him with a deep dread that made his stomach cramp. His entire body went ridged and his breathing stopped as the elevator outside opened and Bruce stepped out through the door way of the small room carrying a tray with more soup and crackers. 

The Doctor stood in the door way and stopped as he looked first at the Soldier, who was ridged, eyes narrowed and face pale as he tucked his fists beneath the table, looking in Bruce’s direction but unable to lock his gaze.

“Bucky,..... I have more soup for you. may I come in?” The doctor asked and the Soldier looked at him with a confused frown then to his Handler who just shrugged and nodded at Bucky.

“What do you think Buck,..... can he come in or would you rather If I took the soup?” Steve asked following Banner’s lead. Both men watched as The Soldier looked back and forth in confusion and obvious distress at the choice being offered to him.

The Soldier felt a serge of panic, unsure what the desired response should be. He shook slightly as he bit his lip and closed his eyes, again searching for the right answer as he felt heat burning up his face. All of this was so new and foreign to him including the intensity of his own emotions. From the little, distorted glimpses of his past memories he knew that even when he was being punished he had not felt this level of fear, just a bitter acceptance. Now he felt so much, so strongly that he was barely able to keep himself from screaming and hiding away in some dark corner by himself. He made the distressed noise in his throat as he opened his eyes back up and looked up at Steve, head lowered submissively. It had to be a test, and If Steve said this Doctor was a friend, was part of his team then he wanted the Soldier to recognize him as another authority to be obeyed. But then why ask him if he could come in?

“Hey Buck it’s okay,....... breath buddy!...... He does not have to come in..... it is up to you..... It is your choice to make.” Steve lifted his chin with his hand and swallowed down his heart ache at Bucky’s pained expression as he trembled, eyes glancing at the doctor and then back.

“What..... What is the correct response......please?” The Soldier stammered and added the word Steve had been using, hoping it was in the right context. Steve sighed heavily and shook his head with a sad expression. The Soldier held his breath and his eyes grew large, he must have failed the test.

“There is no correct response Buck,..... I want you to feel comfortable and okay,...... You need to decide if Doctor Banner can come into the room or if you are not ready to meet him yet.” Steve’s tone took on a slight command, knowing that it would be the only way to help the Soldier commit to the action of choosing. 

The Soldier looked back at Banner who stood patiently with a gentle smile, holding the tray. The man did not appear to be armed and therefor was not a visible threat..... As Steve had been with him before it was likely that this man or one of the other’s had brought the first bowl of soup and that had been an enjoyable experience despite his reservations. With a shaking breath, his eyes met Banner’s and he nodded once, his body stiff with tension. Steve smiled and rubbed his back and Banner nodded and walked into the room placing the tray in front of he trembling Soldier. He sat down across from him, leaning back to give him room. The Soldier eyed him warily, feeling at odds with him self, unsure how to react to this new Doctor.

“Hi Bucky,.... I am Doctor Bruce Banner,..... you can call me Bruce if you like.” Banner smiled at him with gentle understanding eyes, the same expression Steve had given him when he struggled to dress himself. The Soldier nodded again and sat in silence, head bowed, shoulders slumped and fists on his lap. “I heard what Steve was telling you,.... about answering my questions and asking me yours...... I know what the Hydra Doctors did to you Buck.....” Banner stated with a sigh and waited to gage The Soldier’s reaction.

The Soldier remained silent and ridged, barely breathing, eyes locked on the soup that he was not yet permitted to consume. His ears registered the words spoken by the Avenger’s Doctor and he waited to hear what would come next, what orders could possibly follow that statement.

“I know what they did to ‘fix’ you Bucky.......how they hurt you,....... And I can promise you that I will do every thing in my power to help you get well........ I know you don’t know me,............... don’t trust me but,...... Trust Steve,...... know that he brought you here so that we can heal you and protect you from Hydra and the suffering they made you endure!” Banner’s voice broke slightly as his jaw locked and he took a deep breath. The Soldier glanced at Steve who shifted slightly, his blue eyes watching the Doctor with a friendly smile but his eyes were cautious.

The Soldier looked back slowly studying the expression on the man’s face and his voice that had brimmed with calm anger. This man had a secret,.... a very dangerous side that was linked with his anger. The Soldier watched his calmly even breaths, deliberately controlled but with out strain or overt force. The Soldier's mind seemed intrigued by this man’s ability to control his anger and what ever violent destruction he was capable of with such a practiced calm, almost seeming at ease. Before he even realized he was speaking he could hear his shaking, unsure voice, quivering as his eyes stayed locked on the Doctor.

“You...... fight for control?........With your other self?” His timid question seemed to take both his Handler and the Doctor by surprise, the first looking almost shocked, the latter looking intrigued.

“You are very good at reading my body language.” Banner surmised with a small smile and nod. Bucky shifted and his posture straitened slightly at the praise. “How do you like the soup?..... If you want to eat it go ahead,...... we will not tell you to eat or not to. .... A man decides if he is hungry and since you are a man not a weapon, free choice is very important!” Banner offered nodding as the Soldier tentatively gabbed the spoon and opened the crackers dropping them in. The Soldier noticed Steve’s muffled sigh of relief as he watched him consume the food, one bite at a time, looking up at both Avengers several times before each hesitant bite.

“Bucky.....”Banner spoke up when the soup was almost gone. Instantly his eyes shot up and he froze with the Spoon hovering in the air, mouth partially opened, eyes wide and locked with the Doctor. The suddenness and complete stillness of the Soldier appeared so strange and robotic that it took Banner a moment to continue his thoughts. “How is your stomach feeling?...... I want to make sure you don’t become ill like last time you tried to eat.” Banner explained, again using a very calm and gentle tone. Bucky set down his spoon and concentrated on what signals his stomach was communicating.

“Pressure......tight......” The Soldier held up his metal hand and made a motion of his fist opening and closing, a blank look on his face.

“Pain?” Steve asked concerned. The Soldier looked at his Handler and decided that once again his face communicated the feeling worry. He nodded slowly, unsure if he should have been truthful.

“Okay.........That’s enough soup then.” Banner sighed and removed the bowl before looking calmly at his patient and folding his hands on the table. “ Human beings require nutrients to survive........ Hydra has been giving you your nutrients Intravenously in your arm.” Banner gestured toward the crease of his elbow and the Soldier looked down and then nodded slightly. “We did as well when you got here as you needed them badly, your body was malfunctioning because of lack of nutrients....... But now that you are awake and aware, we need to help you regain the ability to feed yourself in order to receive nutrients........... But if your stomach starts to hurt,.... you have had too much food and you should stop!” Banner explained. “Do you understand?” He asked the Soldier who nodded once. The Soldier remained silent, eyes locked on the bowl of soup and fists in his lap. His mind was so tired and his body so sore and cold.

“I understand the directive, ...... Stomach pain....... stop eating. “The Soldier stated with a nod of affirmation

“Good,....... well at least that is a start toward bodily awareness and autonomy!” Banner grinned and Steve sighed with a smile that thanked the doctor.

The Soldier sat looking down at the table, his fists clenched in his lap. He breathed slowly and deeply, inhaling and exhaling, silently, head bowed in submission, hair draped around his hooded eyes. Steve’s smile faltered as he knew, with out order’s or at least motivation from another, Bucky would no doubt remain in that position indefinitely.

“Buck,....... you ready to get cleaned up?....... I will fill up a hot bath that will feel good, it will ease your muscles!” Steve offered an encouraging smile as Bucky’s lost expression drifted up to meet him. It was clear to both men that just the simple act of choosing and the very concept of free will was a bit overwhelming for the Soldier and that he most likely needed some time and space to gather his thoughts.

“There should be some Epson salt under the sink,... pour a generous amount into the tub and let him soak with jets on for an hour or so...... Tony was bragging that every guest room in this place has a deluxe sized personal Jacuzzi, with mineral healing water and orthopedic messaging spay jets!” Banner chuckled as Steve rolled his eyes. “Your in for a treat Bucky!..... Welcome home!” Bruce stood with a smile and genuine eyes that the Soldier felt compelled to trust even though he was ever presently aware of the man’s contained rage.

The Soldier nodded at the Doctor, relived that this man, like Steve was concerned with The Soldier’s physical discomfort rater then his tolerance for pain and level of endurance. This Doctor would fix him. Hydra’s Doctors had seemed more interested in conditioning him to function through pain and not be restricted by it or physically compromised, jeopardizing the integrity of the operative mission. He stood numbly, stray thoughts dancing through his fogged mind as he vaguely recognized that Steve was holding his metal hand and guiding him toward the bed rooms. His mind registered the words ‘Clean you up’ and a pleasurable sensation filled his chest, throat tight and lips quirking as he remembered the last time he was cleaned, the warmth of the water and smell of the soap. Despite his dysfunction and confusion, he felt a calmness and security as he realized with relief that even if he did not know how to be a human, he was no longer the Fist of Hydra.


	14. Graveyard

THE DEVIL MAKES THREE

"Graveyard"

I wanna tell you a story  
Ain't got no characters in it but me  
I wanna sing you a sad song  
Most of it I don't expect you to believe  
It starts off just the Whiskey and Wine  
Miles of travel and some real good times  
But it ends in a dark corridor  
Where there ain't no windows  
And there ain't no doors

Well that's me  
Just a'drinkin' off this bottle  
And a'driftin' out to sea  
Well that's me  
Just a'sittin here starin'  
And a'shakin' like a leaf  
Well that's me  
Just a'leanin' on my shovel  
In this graveyard of dreams  
Yeah that's me  
Just a'leanin' on my shovel  
In this graveyard of dreams

I wanna take you to a shipwreck  
A thousand miles underneath the black sea  
It looks like everybody's sleeping  
But look close they are dead indeed  
I wanna lead you to an armchair  
Deep black in the files of my mind  
I wanna sit you in the candle's light  
Where I've been spendin' all of my time

Well that's me  
Just a'drinkin' off this bottle  
Is it drinkin' off of me  
Now that's me  
Just a'sittin' here starin'  
And a'shakin' like a leaf  
Well that's me  
Just a'leanin' on my shovel  
In this graveyard of dreams  
Yeah that's me  
Just a'leanin' on my shovel  
In this graveyard of dreams

The Soldier followed his Handler's orders and stepped into the pleasantly warm Jacuzzi tub. He sat in the middle, back strait and eyes forward. Waiting to receive further instruction. Steve stood by and contemplated how to communicate with the Soldier in ways that encourage and reenforced his right to body autonomy.

“Bucky,....... can you make your self comfortable?....... You see how the tub has a slope and a pillow to rest your head?” Steve pointed to the angle of the Jacuzzi and the mesh pillow at the top. The Soldier looked over assessing the situation before looking back at his new Handler. He nodded once and lay back, head on the pillow. Despite the relaxed position, his body remained ridged and tense. He knew that “getting clean” was an enjoyable experience now unlike with Hydra and yet his mind’s reassurance to him self didn’t seem to register with his body’s conditioned physical responses. He looked straight up and did not move but simply breathed. Steve took a box of white power and shook it in the tub up and down. The Soldier glanced at it out of the corner of his eyes but did not turned his head. 

“I am going to turn on the jets now, they will make noise but will not hurt...... You can move around in the tub,..... you do not have to remain still,....... I am gonna give you some time okay,....... Try to relax and if you need anything then just say my name,..... Say Steve,..... and I will come right back..... Do you understand?” Steve had crouched down, his chin resting in his arm that was on the side of the tub, his other hand moved a few wet strains out of his friends face as the Soldier slowly turned and looked into his eyes.

The Soldier nodded once and then spoke in a hushed whisper.  
“I speak Steve,....... you come back.” Steve smiled, patting his friends face. He stood and grabbed one of the large towels and draped it across the tube over his friends lower body, shielding him and giving him privacy.

“Jarvis,..... play my relaxing mix.” Steve ordered and the automatic voice sounded over the speaker system, this time the Soldier only jerked his head around once before willing himself to allow his muscles to loosen. A song, old and tin sounded through the speakers at a gentle volume. Bin Crosby’s “Brother, can you spare a Dim?” drifted through the dimly lit room. And Steve nodded at his friend with another comforting stroke of his hair and a reassuring smile. He excited the bathroom leaving the door open as he did the bed room. He didn’t want Bucky to feel trapped or locked away. He sighed as he rolled his shoulders and looked at his watch. It was evening and in just a few hours the sun would set. He thought about the man in the tub and how many lazy evening’s they had spent watching the sun go down as they sipped beer or whiskey and spoke about everything or nothing at all. Steve got into the elevator and punched the top floor where the common room was. If Bucky was feeling up to it he would sit with him on their balcony and watch the sun set. The thought brought a smile to his face that remained when the doors opened. The occupants of the tower besides the Winter Soldier where casually placed around the room, some eating some conversing and watching the news. Sam looked up at him with a smile and nod, a lab top on his lap and note book in his hand. Steve acknowledged the faces who greeted him with respectful nods as they turned toward him as he sat with a sigh on the couch.

“Well he seems controlled if not calm,...... definitely better then freaking out!” Stark offered his two cents. He looked up and spoke to his AI. “Jarvis’ what is our newest resident Super Soldier doing at this precise moment.” He questioned with a raised eye brow.

At the moment Sergeant Barnes is lowering his face below the surface of the water and blowing bubbles, He appears to be intrigued by the texture of the water and the patterns of the bubbles created by the jets Sir.

Stark let of a chuckle and Banner smiled too. Steve turned to them unsure of what was amusing.

“Definitely tripping!..........Bet the water is looking pretty groovy!” Clint offered as he raised his beer with a smirk.

“We should get him some glow toys!” Natasha smiled as Stark nodded in enthusiasm. 

“Easy Kids,..... He’s recovering from prolonged chemical alteration of his dream cycle, not going to a rave!...... Let’s give him time to process this!” Banner smirked at their jokes. He looked at Steve who had a puzzled expression by their references. “He’s good Steve,..... Colors, textures,...... thoughts and feelings will all feel more exaggerated and more vivid,..... especially since he is really becoming aware of them for the first time in so long. The good thing,.... great actually, is that because of his bond with you...... the implicit trust he feels...... he is not so erratic or unstable as he could be, thrown off by the confusion.... Instead he’s almost regressed into a simple child like state that is much safer then hostile and combative.” Banner smiled again with a nod of approval.

“So how long will this,... ummm, ... state last?” Steve asked. Banner shrugged.

“Honestly the flood of the ‘dream’ chemicals will steadily lessen as his biochemistry even’s out,.... He might be relatively fine by tomorrow!” Banner nodded in optimism. The other’s smiled at Steve's sigh of relief.

“Steve I have been doing some research,... kinda reviewing stuff I have learned as a counselor at the VA about dealing with PTSD but also how to help POW’s after prolonged detainment and I think so far we’re doing pretty good here!...... The fact that he responds so positively to you touching him is huge!...... Eventually, after he meets us and becomes more familiar, we should all try to use casual and brief physical contact, pats on the back, placing a hand on his shoulder, things like that as often as possible to help keep him grounded and aware of the difference between here and now and his past conditioning with Hydra.” Sam stated and received nods from the hero’s present

“Also,..... Doctor Banner was right on with putting him in the position to make decisions and choices for himself, no matter how small,.... right now they cause him stress and anxiety but the more comfortable he gets with voicing his free will, the easier it will become and the less we have to guess what he’s thinking and feeling!” Sam pointed out and again was acknowledged.

“So,... When he get’s out of the tub,.... perhaps Steve could put out several different item’s of cloths for him to chose from instead of just giving him something to wear?” Natasha suggested and Sam ginned.

“Exactly,..... and the same goes with everything else..... Don’t ask him what he wants because he has no idea how to recognize what he wants yet...... just give him different options,..... help him build up his confidence that he can make his own choices.” Sam stated and Steve nodded his understanding.

Steve relaxed back with a sigh but his smile remained, a feeling of hope dominating his emotion’s as he realized once again how lucky he was to have the chance to save his best friend, to give him a second chance at life. The other’s continued their conversations about the latest news covering the recent exposure of the Hydra base located outside of D.C. The T.V showed the S.H.I.E.L.D operatives swarming the base and the arrested Hydra agents, no mention of the Avenger’s who had left before the media circus had descended. After another fifteen minutes Jarvis spoke over the intercom. 

 

Excuse me Captain Rogers', Sergeant Barns is in distress. He has called your name and his heart rate has increased exponentially, I believe he may in fact be suffering from a hallucination.

The moment Jarvis said his friend’s name Steve was up and headed toward the door.

“Ughhh,.... Bad trip!!!!...... Remember to tell him what he’s seeing isn’t real!” Stark shouted as Steve raced out the door

............................................................................................................................................

The water felt better then anything he could remember, and the pressure from the jets massaged his sore muscles as the Epson salt loosened the tight strain of his tense body. ie felt so relaxed while his mind was mesmerized by the bubbles. He lowered his face beneath the surface and blew bubbles himself then quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching. His mind tried to reassure him that he was safe, his Handler, Steve, had promised that he would be safe at the Avenger’s tower and that he had nothing to fear. Yet he couldn’t help but acknowledge the onslaught of thoughts and feelings that were racing through his healing mind, connections being made and synapses rewiring that had been dormant for so long they felt completely foreign to him. He was more confused and scared of his own emotions and how they effected his reactions than anything else at the moment and he rubbed his temple to try and ease the growing roar of thoughts and question’s he wanted to say and have answered.

How can he function as a weapon with out a mission?

Steve is different from other Handlers.

Why was he so interested in the bubbles?

Who else is in this tower, are they watching him now?

The soup was good, The soggy cracker was mushy when he ate it.

Did he recognize this music?..... The songs were familiar, some of them he could almost hum the rhythm of but why dose music even matter?

Why dose Steve and the Doctor want him to be human?

What if he can not learn to become James Buchanan Barnes?

Will Steve still keep him as an asset even if he is not that man?

What dose Steve want from him?..... What missions will he be sent on?

If they will not teach him through pain ,then how will he learn? 

He let out a moan as he felt his head throb. He closed his eyes and held his breath as he submerged completely underwater, hoping the jests and minerals would work on his head the way they were on his other sore body parts. He instantly realized it was not a good idea.

There was no sound but the pounding of the jets of water as he felt his chest constrict and hellish images flashed through his mind’s eye. There were dead eyes all around him,....... glazed over, and vacant, yet they stared at him with mouths twisted in pain. They screamed echoed pleas for mercy that had been ignored, their death had come from the hands of The Winter Soldier, The Fist of Hydra. Amongst the slaughter stood a man that he recognized and feared more than Hydra. Sargent James Buchanan Barnes was standing tall with icy blue eyes that bore into the Soldier's soul. He had a bloody stump of an arm, his face pale and skin frozen, a deep frown on his face. He stood in blood up to his knees in the sea of red, animated corpses grabbing him, pulling him back but James did not waver, his eyes locked.

“You did this!......... All these people,..... all this death!...... You are a monster,..... a cyborg freak!....... You let them lock me away so you could take over and be their weapon,..... and now you want to feel?..... To be a human?........ You don’t deserve it!....... You deserve pain!.....You deserve to die a hundred times for every life you have destroyed!.....Their blood in on your hands! ‘ Bucky was screaming at The Soldier even as the corpses pulled him down, the sea of blood covering the man’s face and bubbling out of his choked screaming mouth.

The Soldier flew upright in the water and gasped out a chocked cry, his body shaking hard. 

“Steve....” His trembling lips cried as he looked down at the bubbling water that had turned red, his reflection becoming the face of Sergeant Barns. He yelled in shear panic as he hastily pulled himself from the tub, trying to get to his feet but slipped on the wet tiles and fell, crawling over to the corner of the bathroom. He curled up shaking and rocking, knees pulled to his chest and fingers gripping his hair as he gasped for air, eyes wide and terrified.

Steve ran into the rooms calling for Bucky. He looked at the empty tub then over to the far corner were his friend was curled into a ball, mumbling gibberish while hyperventilating, body shaking hard as his wide eyes stared straight ahead. Steve quickly came toward him but stopped when he heard the whimper as The Soldier covered his face defensively with his arms. Steve swallowed hard and grabbed a towel, gently draping it over his friends hunched shoulders. He scooted closer on his knees and started messaging his wet hair again, whispering calming words. It took some time but finally the panic breathing slowed and the Soldier sat up, his eyes drifting up to Steve with another lost and pained look of despair.

“What happened Bucky?.... What did you see?” Steve spoke softly, worried eyes meeting his friends confused and shaking gaze. The Soldier bit his lip as he shook his head and closed his eyes tight. He couldn’t tell Steve about Sergeant Barnes, about his anger at the Soldier and how he deserved to be punished. He was so confused and disoriented that all he could do, all he could force through his lips with a trembling whisper was one word.

“Blood.” He removed his flesh hand from his hair and pointed a shaking finger toward the tub, head down, eyes closed. Steve frowned as he looked at him before he got up to look into the tub of clear mineral water. He walked back and kneeled down in front of his friend once more.

“No......there is no blood,...... your mind is making you see things that are not there, not real!” Steve explained calmly as he reached for his friend and pulled him close.

“Blood,...... Blood on my hands,....... I killed them all,....... my hands!” The Soldier sputtered as he showed Steve his hands, eyes frantic and desperate. “Not clean......bloody!” The Soldier chocked out with a dry sob, still no tears able to form in his panic stricken eyes. Steve took his hands, metal and flesh and placed them on his own face as he placed his own hands on Bucky’s.

“Not your Hands,...... Hydra’s........ No blood,..... you are clean,....... You are safe.” Steve offered simply. The Soldier’s eyes were emotionally rot with words he could not say, feelings he could not express. He was not safe,.....the threat was from within. Sergeant Barnes lived inside his head, trapped behind a metal door that lead to memories that had long ago been buried. The Soldier had forgotten about the man he had been, the man Hydra had silenced through mind wipes and repeated programming. But now he was awake,..... now he was screaming to get out, to break free from the prison cell hidden deep with in their shared mind. Barnes was going to fight the Soldier for control of his body. He could hear the man’s desperate cries, banging on the metal door of his mental cell as he cursed the Soldier and told him he deserved to die. 

The Soldier lowered his eyes with a pitiful whimper as his hands dropped. He knew Barnes was right, that he deserved to die for all the death he delivered on behalf of Hydra. Yet he had never been allowed to live before,.... to eat, to bath, to be touched with comfort and spoken to with gentle words. He did not want to let go..... he wanted to feel what being a human really was, not just a weapon. 

Steve sighed as he helped Bucky to his feet, taking another towel and wrapping it around his friend’s waste. He was swaying on his feet and stumbled as Steve caught him and pulled him in to a hug. He took the towel from Bucky’s shoulder's and dried his hair with it then guided him toward the Jacuzzi where he pointed at the clear water with one hand, the other arm wrapped around his friends upper back.

“No blood,..... water,........ Your mind is just confused....... I got you Buck,...... It’s okay.” Steve reassured and the Soldier looked at the water but then closed his eyes and swallowed down the sick feeling in his stomach. He opened his eyes and fixed Steve with a pleading look, needing to be away from the sea of blood even if he knew it wasn't real, that it was just Barne’s inside his mind playing tricks with his eyes. “Okay,..... come on Buck,....... at least you were in there for almost half an hour,.... maybe your muscles are a little more relaxed.” Steve sighed as he helped his shaking friend out of the bathroom and into one of the bed rooms, sitting him on the edge of the bed. He knelt down in front of the Soldier who was once more staring straight ahead, not catatonic but despondent, face in a frown, eyes distant. He stroked the wet locks behind his friend’s ear and sighed with patient, gentle eyes. 

“I got some cloths for you Bucky. I am gonna lay them out and you can pick want you want to ware.” Steve stated. He paused but it was clear he would get no reply. Standing he walked into the other room to retrieve the duffle and pulled out the clothes spreading them out on the bed. The Soldier remained still, his breathing even, body hunched, chest nut hair curtaining his dark expression. “Alright Bucky,..... what do you want to put on?..... You can feel the clothes, pick out what would be the most comfortable!” Steve smiled, trying to stay upbeat despite his friends quiet, sullen, apathy. 

The Soldier stood stiffly then turned around and stared down at the assortment of shirts and paints. Most were sweat paints and blank T-Shirts, all cotton and comfortable to lounge in. Steve had not packed for fashion but in hast with the thought that Bucky would be resting and recuperating. The Soldier looked at the clothes then to Steve who nodded with a patient smile. He looked back down and swallowed down his uncertainty. He knew now that this would be a common conditioning tactic by his new Handler, the doctor and likely every one on their team. They wanted him to make choices, and to choose was the right answer not what he chose. The Soldier let his eyes drift over the selection of cloths and tried to summon the will to choose. His jaw was locked against the still throbbing head ache from the constant pounding and angry shouts from his captive mental prisoner. He felt his fists clench and then unclench before he finally reached down and selected the closest pair of gray sweat pants and a white fitted under shirt. He looked at Steve for approval and received a nod and smile despite the fact that Captain America knew it was a decision made with out personal preference. Steve then handed him a pair of boxer briefs and white soaks. Bucky stood still with the clothes in his hands still distracted and lost in thought, too consumed with his internal battle to be conscious of his expected next coarse of action.

Steve waited a moment before recognizing that Bucky was lost in his own mind and needed to be directed. He asked The Soldier to put on the cloths and he complied, his eyes down cast and body slumped. Once he had managed to dress himself Steve lead the despondent man toward the balcony and placed him in a seat. The Soldier collapsed onto the balcony chair with a heavy thud as he groaned slightly before leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees, face in his hands. Steve sighed as he went inside and returned moments later with a sketch book and pen. He sat down in another chair and began to draw quietly, deciding that he would stay close by incase of another hallucination.

After almost an hour of silence The Soldier slowly sat up, and blinked at the low sun in the sky. Steve glanced up at him with a soft smile.

“You feeling any better Buck?” Steve asked. The Soldier swallowed and shook his head looking down at his hands. His head was not throbbing as much and the screaming from Barnes was subdued to muffled cries but the confusion and apprehension were still there. He closed his eyes and then rubbed his temples before he turned to Steve, biting his lip hesitantly. The Captain recognized the expression and knew Bucky was trying to express a thought or question, but still was not use to speaking with out being prompted. “Whats on your mind Bucky?” Steve asked with an encouraging smile and nod. The Soldier looked away and then back again.

“I........ remember.........things that happened.........but,.......also........things that did not......pictures in my head........I....don’t.......” He shook his head with a huff trying to make sense of the vision he had seen of Barne’s with the corpses and before that of him in the snow. Steve nodded and shifted in his seat.

“There is a difference between memories and dreams or hallucinations........ Memories and things that actually happened,...... dreams and hallucinations are not real,....... they can be part memory and part unreal things that come from your confusing feelings...... Dreams happen when you are asleep and hallucinations while you are awake....... The blood in the water,..... that wasn’t real,........ but the memory of Hydra putting you in the chair,...... taking away your memories, that was real.” Steve explained but sighed regretfully as the Soldier shuddered at the mention of the chair. The Soldier nodded his understanding even if it was confusing.

“What do you remember Buck?” Steve asked quietly, swallowing down his own apprehensive feelings. The Soldier looked at his Handler with a pensive expression then sat back in the chair and stared at the Sun again, face becoming blank and eyes distant.

“Hydra,...... hurt.......... made me kill,........ Tried to get away,........pain,...... burning in my blood,..... A Man,...... Trainer,..... Bald with..... hair...” He pointed to his upper lip, not able to recall the word mustache. Steve felt his body stiffen as he listened to the description of the man from the Hydra training documentation, “He....... hurt....... I ....took knife......” The Soldier demonstrated the act of slitting his own wrist and Steve felt that same desperate heart ache that he had while watching the video footage. The Soldier looked up at Steve with anguish, his own jaw clenched. He looked back down at his flesh wrist and traced the pale scar with his metal fingers. He shook his head with anger and closed his eyes. “I failed!....... Blood,...... my blood....... my death...... other’s would have lived,...... no missions....... no pain...... No Fist of Hydra.” He stated with a quivering breath, as he reminded himself that Barne’s was right,.... that he should die,..... that he deserved punishment and pain because he had given himself to Hydra,..... had allowed himself to become their weapon and no matter how blank and empty he had felt inside,...... blindly following orders,.... deeper down, beneath the conditioning and programing he had always known that killing was wrong,.... that taking lives was wrong even if his Handler's told him other wise.

The Soldier looked up startled as Steve was suddenly kneeling in front of him, his Handler's eyes wide and wet with unshed tears as he shook his head. Steve grabbed his flesh hand and covered the scare on his wrist with a warm palm, the other on the Soldier's face. 

“No,....... You will not harm your self!....... You will not take your life!....... You must live!...... No death...... No pain!....... Do you understand?” Steve’s tone was shaking in a desperate order, demanding the Soldier follow his command. The Soldier’s solum expression met Steve’s frantic one and he nodded, feeling his throat tighten at the realization that he had upset his Handler. Steve offered a tentative smile and then stood up and pulled Bucky’s stiff and tense body into a tight hug. The Soldier remained still, fists in his lap, forehead leaning into Steve’s midsection as he felt his handler’s body tremble. Steve was afraid, the Soldier could tell, but not of being hurt by the Soldier but by the thought that the Soldier might hurt himself. The realization added to his utter confusion and he closed his eyes in bewilderment at how completely lost he felt, unaccustomed to any of the interactions this new Handler had engaged him in. He wondered with a nauseating pain if Steve would still feel this way if he knew the truth,..... If he knew that the Soldier was not his friend James Buchanan Barnes but instead was the one keeping the man locked away,..... keeping him buried so that he could pretend to be human,... to feel, to think and to live as a man and not a weapon. The Soldier's stomach cramped and felt sick with guilt at his secret knowledge, his concealed truth that he desperately hid from his new Handler as he pressed himself into the man who’s strength and comfort he needed so badly, even if he knew he didn’t deserve it.


	15. Lean On Me

BILL WITHERS LYRICS

"Lean On Me"

Sometimes in our lives  
We all have pain, we all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please, swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you won't let show

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand  
We all need somebody to lean on  
I just might have a problem that you'll understand  
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand  
We all need somebody to lean on  
I just might have a problem that you'll understand  
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load  
You have to bear that you can't carry  
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load  
If you just call me

The sun had set hours ago and the moon shone bright in the night sky. Steve had stayed close by with his sketch pad as the Soldier sat stiffly on the balcony chair, eyes haunted and brow furled. He had not moved a muscle in over an hour and Steve glanced at him with a worried sigh. Both men looked up as the AI spoke to them in it’s proper accent.

Sir, Mr. Stark would like to know if now would be a good time to meet Sergeant Barnes?........ Mr. Stark is in his lab and has suggested that based on his initial diagnostic scan, some maintenance to Sergeant Barns’ prosthetic arm may be required.

Steve looked over at Bucky who did not move, but his body had stiffened at the word maintenance.

“Bucky,..... How dose your metal arm feel?” Steve asked with a concerned tone. The Soldier's eyes lowered to the metal appendage then back to his Handler’s face, his expression drawn, eyes narrowed as he struggled with his words. At the moment his mind felt like quick sand, unable to retain any one thought for long. He opened his mouth to speak then shut it again and shook his head his jaw clenched as his eyes squeezed tight. He let out a harsh breath then reopened and willed himself to speak, to find his words.

“Pain,.........fire,.........cold,......numb........nerves pinching.” He sputtered each word as his flesh hand made a sweeping motion up and down the moonlit metal to indicate the entire arm.

Steve’s eyes grew and he quickly put down his sketch book. He stood and used his steady arms to clasp the Soldier's flesh arm and pull him to his feet. He looked over the metal arm and touched it softly, feeling a strange vibration and internal heat that radiated through the cold metal exterior. His eyes looked up in alarm.

“How long has it been hurting?” Steve asked with a bewildered breath, eyes worried and tone almost frustrated. The Soldier lowered his head and eyes, recognizing that his Handler was displeased by his lack of disclosure concerning the state of his arm. He stared at his metal arm and tried to think of a time when the appendage had not felt somewhat painful. There where certainly times when other area’s of his physical form hurt worse, and likewise during mission’s his mind was focused on terminating his targets and blocking out any unnecessary distractions. During maintenance however the pain was significantly worse and often made him shake and sweat as he controlled his reaction to avoid punishment.

”Never.....not....hurt? The Soldier stated softly as a question, unsure of how best to explain the constant numb vibrations that throbbed and the continuous spikes of fire that ran the length of the appendage. His eyes looked at Steve with a cautious glance to see if he answered correctly then cast down toward his arm as he bit his lip.

“What?...... Do you mean that it has always hurt you?...... You have been in pain this entire time?...... Even before you left Hydra?” Steve’s voice held urgency and a degree of anger that put the Soldier on edge. In response the former weapon simply nodded, glancing up at his Handler with an uncertain expression.

“Did they know?..... Did you tell their doctors,.... the Hydra technicians that the arm hurt you?...... Caused you pain?” Steve’s voice was filled with anguished breaths as he mentally added one more reason to hate Hydra to a seemingly endless list. He brought a hand to Bucky’s face lifting his gaze. The Soldier flinched, confused by the harsh words but gentle touch, once more completely unsure of this Handler’s expectations from the Soldier. His uncertainty and confusion bled through his icy blue eyes as he bit his lip in contemplation before nodding once, his voice sounding broken and communicated his befuddlement at Steve’s reaction.

“A weapon dose not feel,.......It operates through pain,......pain must not limit operational performance,....... the arm is fully functional,..... no maintenance required.” The Soldier offered with a quivering tone, answering to the best of his ability but knowing that it was not an answer that this Handler would respond positively to. He hung his head again when he saw Steve’s eyes grown wide and his jaw lock, muscles in his neck sticking out. The Soldier had failed to answer his Handler with a correct response, He let out a defeated sigh at his own lack of ability to respond and react in the ways his Handler wanted him to. He was beginning to realize that being a good weapon, a reliable and unfeeling asset was the complete opposite of being a human. His inability to function properly as a human weighed heavily on him and sent a tremble through his body.

“Bucky,....... No More Pain!” Steve sighed as his expression softened and he pulled him into an embrace, rubbing the trembling Soldier’s back. Steve had chosen to state the simple promise instead of explaining once again that Bucky was a man and not a weapon. He could read his friend’s expression and body language, could tell that the Soldier was completely lost when it came to relating as anything other then a tool to be used and maintained for the sake of missions. He could see in his friends eyes his fear and uncertainly at how to answer Steve’s questions and his confusion at Steve’s angery tone. “I am not upset with you Buck,......” He pulled away and again lifted the Soldier’s face so that their eyes met. “ I am mad that Hydra has caused you pain,..... and made you believe it was okay for you to live with constant suffering!...... I need you to tell me when ever you are hurt!...... I want you to be more then functional and operational,.... I want you to feel good,...... in here and in here.” Steve pointed to the Soldier's head and then to his heart. He waited with a gentle smile, bitting back his anger and frustration at the layer’s of programing and conditioning that he had to fight through to reach the man he knew still lived inside this broken shell.

The Soldier nodded once with a shaking breath.

“Status report,...... must include all causes of pain and discomfort....... regardless of adequate functioning.” The Soldier responded tentatively as he searched his Handler's face to see if his answer was satisfactory. Steve sighed with a nod, eyes full of resignation that it would take time for The Soldier to understand how to feel at ease with himself and his new world, the expectations and standers so completely foreign from the cold, dehumanizing existence he had been enslaved in for so long.

“Come with me,..... It is time you meet our mechanic,....... This is his tower,.... he will help fix your arm so that it will not hurt you anymore,.... it will be better then functional.... It will feel good.” Steve explained leading the Soldier by his flesh hand back trough the rooms.

“No......More......Pain?” The Soldier asked with a quiet whisper as he followed his Handler, not resisting despite his instinctually fear of maintenance. He knew that resisting was to disobey and that received punishment at Hydra but here with the Avenger’s he fought back his urge to resist because he truly wanted to believe Steve’s promise and he didn’t want to see the worry or disappointment in his Handler’s eyes. His connection to this man was perhaps the most confusing of all his new thoughts and feelings but also the most reassuring and the only thing keeping him grounded and determined not to return to the familiarity and security of Hydra and the cold emptiness of Cryo.

“That’s right Bucky,..... No more pain!” Steve reassured with a tight smile, his eyes still concealing his frustration and anger, but his grip on the Soldier’s hand was not tight, and his tone was soft and comforting despite his internal rage. They entered the elevator and Steve released Bucky’s hand and began rubbing his back as he glanced at the Soldier who stood ridged, head hung and eyes cast down, breathing slightly heavy. Steve studied his friend with concern and as the elevator opened he had to use some pressure to guide him out and into the hall. Instantly the Soldier’s head shot up at the sound of loud rock music that blasted from a brightly lit room at the end of the corridor.  
“Uhhh....... Jarvis?” Steve began with hesitation as he watched Bucky stare at the direction of the music with gritted teeth and a fearful expression, breathing becoming more intense.

Oh Course Captain Rogers'

Instantly the music was turned down and switched to the relaxing jazz of the 1930’s and 40’s.

“Hey!....... What the.....” Steve could hear Tony drop a metal tool before Jarvis could answer.

Captain Rogers' is escorting Sergeant Barne’s to your lab sir and your choice in music was causing them both distress.

“Typical!...... I am running a freaking Super Soldier nursing home in this....... Hey there they are!!!!” Stark’s expression lightened with enthusiasm as Steve guided Bucky into the entrance of the lab. Steve looked at Stark with a raised eyebrow at his previous comment while the Soldier looked around the lab frantic and wide eyed, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his body trembled. The lab was cluttered with work benches, tables and an array of mechanical contraptions, engines and tools. There were robots hovering around the edge and one sat in the corner with a dunce cap. His eyes finally landed on the mechanic who was watching him with with wary eyes and a tight lip smile, a burning knowledge of something tragic and painful hidden behind his gaze that he was controlling, similar to the Doctor’s anger.

“Bucky,..... I would like you to meet Mr. Tony Stark........ He is part of my team and wants to help you,... not hurt you!” Steve spoke the words slowly trying to reach his friend’s mind that seemed full of apprehension. The Soldier knew the name Stark and an image flashed before him of another man looking similar but younger with a thin mustache and a smile. Instantly that vision was replaced by the same man older but his face was blank, eyes dead and blood trickling down his forehead in an overturned car. It was a flash and then gone but still sliced through his mind like a hot blade and he stumbled as he grabbed his head and squeezed his eyes. He felt Steve’s strong arms holding on to his shoulders', keeping him balanced as he opened his eyes once more blinking. He looked up again slowly with a shuddered breath and saw the look of concern on both men’s faces.

“I know,..... that name......Stark.” He answered with a raspy whisper as his gaze met Tony’s. Ironman offered a quick smile and shrug.

“Yhea,..... I am kinda famous!....... What with being an engineering and mechanical genius, billionaire, philanthropist,.......hero......” Stark rambled as he took a step to the side and pointed at a comfortable chair that had been brought into the room for the purpose of examining the Soldier's arm. Steve nodded at Bucky who took a tentative step forward, then another before turning to sit stiffly as his eyes locked on the mechanic, studying his familiar face. Stark smiled at him despite feeling unnerved by the intensity of his icy gaze. 

Tony turned toward Steve for a moment with a slight huff.  
“And whats with the whole My Team thing?...... Fury recruited me first before he even found you Cap-sical!” Steve sighed and rolled his eyes as he waved him off. He grabbed a stool and pulled in close to the other side of the chair, reaching out and clasping Bucky’s flesh arm.

“Tony,..... enough already...... Bucky says that his metal arm causes him pain,..... that it always has!” The last part of his sentence was spoken with a steely tone, eyes meeting Starks and communicating his immense anger. Stark nodded in understanding and looked down to his tablet that had been resting on one of his work tables.

“Yea,..... When I had Jarvis run the mechanical diagnostic I got a pretty clear picture..... Basically...” He set the tablet down and with a wave of his hand brought up a three demential diagram of the Soldier's arm, opening it up to show the intricate wiring and mechanical components inside. “After reading the technical summery and medical procedure, what they did was connect all of his nerves with the wires to allow tactical functioning and reflexes but didn’t bother adjusting the sensory components. His brain has learned how to manipulate the prothetic as an arm and yet it registers it as a foreign device clamped onto his nervous system, not integrated. Hence the pain, pinched nerves sending fire up and down his arm and a prevailing numbness, like when when your limb falls asleep with pins and needles but with out the lack of control.” Stark sighed and turned toward Steve and Bucky, his face actually taking on a serious and sympathetic expression. “The hacks that did this knew he was in pain, but they just didn’t care....... But we can fix that!........ No more pain.... right Tin man?!” Stark sat down on his own stool, his eyes locking with Bucky’s intense stare as he spoke the words he had heard Steve using to reassure the amnesiac ex- assassin. 

Stark gently patted Bucky’s kneed with a smile and a sigh, about to turn toward his work table when his face was caught by Bucky’s metal hand, gripping his jaw with force but not with harmful intent. Stark froze, eyes questioning as Steve sat up straight in alarm. The Soldier squinted, studying Stark’s face as he bit his lip, recognition and confusion evident in his pensive eyes. After a tense moment Steve spoke gently but with authority.

“Bucky, let go of his face.” Steve stated calmly but with a cautious tone. Instantly the Soldier complied with the order and released the mechanic, his metal arm dropping flatly in his lab but his eyes remained on the man’s face a moment longer before turning away with a shake of his head blinking his eyes rapidly as he felt his chest grow tight. He glanced at him again then away as he closed his eyes and the image of the other man’s bloody face fluttered into his mind’s eye.

“Same face but different!” The Soldier breathed with a confused expression, eyebrows knit as he stared down at the ground.

“You knew his father,..... Howard Stark.” Steve explained cautiously as he looked at Bucky and then to Tony who’s expression became tense, jaw locked and back strait. 

“He’s dead.” The Soldier stated as he looked up at Steve with a frown then back at the ground before closing his eyes. Tony shifted on his stool and blew out a dramatic sigh as he rubbed his face.

“Let’s leave that conversation for another time shall we!” His voice was dismissive but his eyes were dark, and he offered a bitter twist of a smile as he looked back at his tools.

“Tony...” Steve began but was waved off by Stark who rolled his shoulders and picked up a syringe.

“I read the mission file Steve...... I already know!” Stark stated matter of factly, his dark eyes met the Captains' who melted with a look of apology and remorse. Stark just closed his eyes and breathed a calming breath again, once more wiping one hand over his face as he muttered and shook his head then cleared his throat. “Buck-O,.... This is going to numb your nervous system where it connects to your left shoulder so that I can work on it with out causing you pain. Got it?” Stark asked, his voice slightly strained from his obvious emotional reaction to the Soldier’s recollection of his late father. Stark knew that the Soldier was responsible for his parent’s death and he had already taken a flight earlier that evening after reading the Hydra file detailing the “staged accident.” He had used his Ironman suite to blow up the rest of the abandoned Hydra base outside of DC, letting his immense rage and grief direct itself toward those monster’s who sent the weapon after his parents rather then the helpless man who was now sitting before him. 

Bucky glanced side ways at the needle and then back to the floor, body remaining still except for his quivering breaths. Stark slowly and carefully injected the largest vain on his left side of his collar bone and let out his own sigh of relief when it was done. He sat back and disconnect the needle throwing it in the trash. The weapons genius looked upon the man made into a weapon and swallowed down his resentment and anger at the crimes the Soldier had committed and his own personal loss. Stark ran his hands through his hair and cracked his knuckles before he sighed loudly and through his hands up dramatically, receiving a raised eyebrow from Steve and a slight flinch from The Soldier who did not shift his gaze from the floor.

“Look,..... I get the no hard rock rule with jumpy over hear but I need something a little bit more contemporary then golden oldies!...... Common,..... I can’t work under these conditions!!!” He complained and Steve half chucked as he rolled his eyes again.

“Okay,..... what do you suggest?” Steve relented as he gently held Bucky’s flesh arm, one hand palm to palm and the other on the Soldier's bicep, messaging it soothingly as his gaze studied his friend who remained unmoving, mouth in a deep frown and eyes on the floor. Stark contemplated for a moment before snapping his fingers with a grin and a happy wave of his arms.

“Jarvis play my Eric Clapton Acoustic album!..... Nice and easy and still got some great guitar!” Stark smiled as the music switched before he looked back down toward his despondent work in progress. “Hey Buckster,........ Hows that arm feeling pal?” Tony lowered his own head slightly to catch the man’s gaze that did not falter. 

“No feeling,.....pain..... stopped.” The Soldier answered in a low, distant tone, mind still battling with his memories of the past and his distorted perception of present.

“Good..... Then I am going to start working on your arm...... If you start feeling any pain or start freaking out or something,..... Just tell me to stop,..... with words, not like,... with a punch through my skull,...... got it?” Stark sighed muttering as he selected some tools and lowered a strange magnified glass over one eye.

“Freaking out?” The Soldier questioned as he looked up at Stark in puzzlement. “ I do not comprehend.” He stated with with a tremble and frown.

“Yea,...... Like.... Getting all crazy and breaking Shit, and me,.... I guess...... Don’t hit me!....... I need my armor to keep up with you Super Soldier boys!” Stark huffed as he carefully opened the Soldier's arm and began tinkering with it. The Soldier nodded once with somewhat of a grasp on what the term freaking out meant.

“I will not Freak Out,...... If you do not Mess With Me.” Bucky stuttered as he put the two unfamiliar and recently acquired terms together. He turned his head startled as Steve let out a surprised laugh, a look of disbelief and joy in his eye as he nodded his head and pat Bucky’s shoulder. The Soldier felt a wave of relief that he had said the correct thing and had received such a positive response from his Handler. Stark simply grumbled and rolled his eyes but gave a small smile and nod back to the Solider who looked at him for an answer.

Almost an hour past with Tony making adjustments, taking measurements, scanning the effects and altering some of the connections. He hummed along to the music and chatted casually about what he was doing although all of it was way above their heads. At one point the Soldier looked at Steve with a questioning gaze, eyes asking if he was suppose to understand or remember what was being explained and Steve squeezed his flesh hand softly and shook his head with a slight smile, letting his friend know that Stark would continue to rattle on regardless. The Soldier occasionally glanced at his arm but would just as quickly lock his eyes back on the floor, his breathing hitching slightly, receiving a verbal reassurance from Steve with a gentle squeeze or a pat on his back.

“There we go,......just in time for that numbing to be wearing off I should think!....... Buck the Duck...... Let’s see how that bad boy feels now that Uncle Tony has used some magic on it!!!!” Stark smiled with a clap of his hands as he stood and cracked his back. The Soldier looked over to the arm that was now closed up. He focused on feeling the arm, on lifting it and moving the finger digits and wrist. His eyes grew in surprise as he realized that the constant buzzing, burning pain was gone and the metal arm felt remarkably like his flesh one. His mouth actually dropped open in disbelieve as he maneuvered the arm and realized that the reaction and reflexes were actually smoother and more fluid in movement. Stark released a content sigh as he glanced at Steve who looked upon his friends amazement with a found smile and eyes that spoke such relief that Stark actually felt humbled.

“How dose it feel now Bucky?” Steve asked with a small chuckle. Bucky swallowed and looked from his Handler toward Stark and then back to Steve, eyes expressing his gratefulness as he opened his mouth unable to find the words to express such emotion.

“Good!” He finally exhaled and practiced making a fist with a nod as his lips curled up ever so slightly and his voice chocked out the word again, with a tone that held back a an emotional tidal wave. He looked back to Stark who rolled his eyes and nodded.

“Come here ya big can opener!” Stark opened his arms and the Soldier stood up and fell forward into the embrace recognizing that open arms was meant to communicate close physical contact. His face rested on Stark’s shoulder as his arms stayed locked at his side. Stark completed the Hug, wrapping his arms around his back with an awkward pat but raised an eye brow and looked at Steve then down to the Soldier’s stiff body. “Gonna have to teach him how to hug back!” He surmised and Steve smirked with a nod.

“People say the words Thank You when they feel grateful Buck.” Steve offered as he too stood and watched with mild amusement at his friends stiff posture as he remained perfectly still in Stark’s embrace. The Soldier stood up straight once the arms of the mechanic lowered and he used the words Steve gave him to express what he assumed must be gratefulness,.... his chest hurt in a good way and his throat was tight as his mind continued to focus on the lack of discomfort or pain and how different he felt.

“Thank you..... Stark...... It is good you are alive!” The Soldier stated as he awkwardly brought his flesh hand up to Tony’s cheek the way Steve had been touching him. Stark blinked and exhaled at the Soldier’s comment but patted the hand that touched his face before stepping back and away.

“Great!...... One step at a time right!...... Now I think I need to get back to ummmm.....” Stark looked around the room, obviously a little uncomfortable with the resurfaced feelings surrounding his parent’s death and the Soldier’s part in it. Steve understood and nodded to Tony, ignoring the wet gaze and locked jaw of the Man behind Ironman.

“Thanks Tony!...... For everything!” Steve sighed with a nod and pulled Bucky toward the door turning to glance back as Stark fell heavily in the chair and rubbed his eyes muttering an order to one of his robots to get him a gin and tonic. He looked back up at the Captain with a mock salut and a heavy sigh. 

Steve swallowed down his own feelings of sadness and remorse at the fact that Tony had just helped fix the arm of the man responsible for his parent’s deaths, the very arm that likely helped cause their accident directly. Steve shook his head before looking up at Bucky who was mesmerized by his new and improved cybernetic arm, moving it in all directions and testing it’s speed. It was the first time Steve saw such a bright and excited look in his recently recovered friend’s icy blue eyes. Steve focused on the Soldier, on his face and it helped dissipate the sadness and remorse he felt crushing down on him.

“No More Pain!” The Soldier turned to look at Steve as he held up the arm again with bright eyes and the ghost of a smile. Steve pat him on the back and nodded as they entered the elevator. There was a moment of pause before the Soldier turned toward him abruptly, eyes peering up through his curtain of dark locks. “Thank you Steve,..... You are a good Handler!” The Soldier affirmed with a nod then shifted to face forward, head raised a little higher then before, his confidence growing. Steve smiled and patted his back feeling thankful as well. Grateful to have such good friends, new and old.


	16. Sweet Dreams

EURYTHMICS LYRICS

"Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"

Sweet dreams are made of this  
Who am I to disagree  
I travel the world and the seven seas  
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you  
Some of them want to get used by you  
Some of them want to abuse you  
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this  
Who am I to disagree  
I travel the world and the seven seas  
Everybody's looking for something

Hold your head up, keep your head up, movin' on  
Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up, movin' on  
Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up, movin' on  
Hold your head up, movin' on, keep your head up

Some of them want to use you  
Some of them want to get used by you  
Some of them want to abuse you  
Some of them want to be abused

 

It was hours after Steve had said good night, tucking his best friend into the warm, possibly too soft bed and turned out the lights, before The Soldier had actually closed his eyes and scrummed to unconsciousness. But while the Soldier slumbered, James Branes awoke and lived vividly in his dreams.

* He was dancing. Sergeant James Buchanan Barns was dancing to something fast and full of colorful sound. All around him were beautiful women in bright flashy colors, red lipstick and bright smiles, eyes flirting and swooning. Barnes was laughing, spinning one girl then another. He was surrounded by dames as if there wasn’t another fella in the place. The music was becoming louder and began to drown out the sounds of laughter and the sounds of women speaking his name. The lights were flashing and the room was spinning. He felt a growing sense of dizziness, as if he had been drinking too much. He needed air but he couldn’t steady his vision to see where the door was, There were so many people crowded around him, almost swarming him as the frantic music was blaring and distorted, the beat of the drum becoming bomb shells and the blast of the horns, wailing sirens. He was still surrounded but by panicked men in shabby uniforms being herded through prison doors, armed guards all around him. He felt so sick, too hot as sweat dripped down him and he stumbled. Some one caught him and mumbled to the others, they had to keep him upright. Friendly hands held him up, guiding him as they made their way out into the Hydra facility to work as slaves. He could barely stand and his knees buckled again as he coughed and wheezed for breath. There was an ordered shout and new hands were on him, not friendly, rough and jarring, dragging him away from his comrades in arms. They strapped him to a table and he struggled before a face appeared that turned his stomach into ice. Zola smiled down at him and his face distorted as his glasses and eyes morphed into large, demonic black orbs and his stubbing little fingers became needles and knives stabbing into Barnes’ flesh and ripping apart his body and soul.

The Soldier cried out as he thrashed in his bed, fighting with the sheets that ensnared him. Steve had awoken moment’s ago to the sound of moaning and had just stepped up to the side of his friend’s bed when he saw his body begin to thrash and his voice cry out in desperate fear and pain. Steve did not know what he was dreaming but could tell the sheets felt restraining and so quickly pulled them off the bed before calling his friends name and attempting to shake him awake. The Soldier had fought back wildly, eyes still closed as he screamed with panic and desperation. Steve ignored the blows that landed on his face, arms and chest as he continued to try and wake his distressed friend.

“JARVIS!...... LIGHTS!” Steve demanded as he managed to wrestle down and pin both of the Soldiers arms and continued calling his name. “BUCKY!.....WAKE UP!” Steve shouted and as the lights came on the Soldier’s eyes shot open full of fear and panic. Steve let go of his arms and jumped off the bed and out of his frantic friend’s reach. The Captain moved toward the door that lead to the hall way in case Bucky tried to bolt and held his hands up, palms out toward him and open. “Easy Bucky!....... Just breath!”

The Soldier had rolled off the bed and was crouched in a fight or flight position as he breathed heavily and his wide eyes scanned his surroundings in confusion before landing on Steve. His body trembled as he whimpered like a cornered animal, jaw locked, breathing rapidly through his noise. After a moment he recognized his Handler and his surroundings but the fear and nausea remained present, compounded by the realization that he had attacked his Handler as was evident by the split, bloody lip and torn t--shirt. Steve straighten slightly and lowered his hands as he looked at his friend with deep compassion.

The Winter Soldier backed away further into the corner as he lowered his head and curled into a ball on the floor, hands locked in his hair just as he had appeared earlier after the hallucination in the bath tub. He was still making the repetitive whimpering and his body shook violently. Steve closed distance slowly before taking a seat a few feet away with a heavy sigh. He looked upon his trembling friend with sad, wet eyes and wondered if he could ever get use to seeing the man who had always been the stronger one, so broken down and shattered. It reminded Steve of the weeks directly after the first time Bucky had been captured by Hydra. The difference was when he would wake Bucky from a nightmare back then he would instantly become calm and turn away from Steve, asking his friend to go away and leave him alone as he stubbornly hid his suffering and bit back his pain.

“Bucky,..... It’s okay,..... It was a dream,..... It’s okay...... Your safe,..... No More Pain!” Steve repeated the promise but felt like a liar as his friend was obviously suffering immensely. He offered a soft smile and nod as he opened his arms, catching the wide, frightened eye’s of his friend who peered up at him through his long dark locks of sweat soaked hair. “It’s okay,.... come here,...... I won’t hurt you,...... no one will hurt you!” Steve reassured, swallowing down his own chocked sob at the man’s fearful expression. 

Hesitantly, The Soldier turned toward Steve and crawled shaking toward his Handler until he collapsed in the man’s arms, face turned down and away from Steve as he struggled to calm his beating heart and steady his desperate breathing. Steve wrapped his arms around him and rubbed his back, speaking soothing reassurances as the Soldier fought to control himself. 

After a while, when his breathing had evened out and the whimpering had stopped, he sat up on his knees, head still bowed as his eyes glanced at Steve’s face then away.  
`  
“I...... Hurt you......Must not harm Handler!” His voice was raspy from screaming and he shuddered. Steve could almost hear him say A WEPON must not...But correct himself as he spoke.

“It’s okAy,.... I am fine Bucky!..... I won’t even have a scratch by tomorrow evening,.... No harm done!” Steve assured as he reached up to stroked the wet hair from his friends face, pausing as Bucky flinched but then continuing regardless. The Soldier looked back up at his Handler with such remorseful and pleading eyes that it almost made Steve cry. Instead The Captain sighed and nodded again trying to convince the trembling man that he was safe and that everything was fine. Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s face and stroked the wet tears from his cheeks.

“The Soldier blinked for a moment as he brought his own flesh hand up and felt his wet cheeks, a look of shock on his face at the wetness on his fingertips.

“My eyes are leaking,........crying,...... like a human?” He asked with a quivering breath.

“Yes,...... you are crying Buck,....... and thats okay,...... it’s okay to feel sad or scared or confused,....... Nothing you are doing is bad or wrong.” Steve explained as he smiled at his friend with sad eyes.

“I can cry!” The Soldier's voice sounded almost relived, the same confused and broken tone that now held onto new hope like it was a delicate flower. He did not know his eyes could produce tears, likely a result of repeated conditioning against such emotional reactions to any and all stimuli. He looked back up at Steve showing him his wet fingers and swallowed hard as he thought maybe, just maybe he could be a real human being, even if he was not James Branes.

The feeling of hope was quickly over shadowed however, as his adrenaline wore off but not the gut cramping nausea as he grabbed his stomach and made a face. Steve’s expression became wide eyed as he quickly got up, recognizing the signs as he half carried the Soldier toward the bathroom and over to the toilet bowl just in time. He pulled back his friend’s long hair with one hand, rubbing his back soothingly with the other as the Soldier heaved into the toilet, shaking as he gasped for air between wrenches. When at last his stomach was completely empty Steve grabbed a wash cloth and pulled the Soldier backward a few feet toward him so that the sick man’s head and back rested against his chest, between Steve’s legs. Carefully he wiped his face with the cloth and then discarded it. He wrapped both arms around his friends gasping chest and lay his cheek on top of his friend’s head. With out asking Jarvis began to play the relaxing music, softly, the soothing melody relaxing the tense and trembling Soldier who closed his eyes and focused on breathing, the nausea dissipating slowly. 

They sat like that for a long time on the bathroom floor. Steve hummed to the music as he stroked Bucky’s face and hair. Their breaths became synchronized and the Soldier felt hypnotized by the warmth and intimacy, his body felt heavy and his mind floated as it replayed images from the nightmare, invoking an occasional shudder or twitch. Eventually Steve sighed and shifted helping Bucky sit up right.

“My legs are going numb,.... sorry pal!” Steve winced as he massaged feeling back into his caves and thighs. The Soldier sat hunched a few feet away with his knees pulled up, watching Steve as he kneaded his asleep muscles.

“Sorry?.....” The Soldier asked quietly, unfamiliar with the word. Steve nodded then smiled as he tried to explain the meaning.

“It is good to say sorry if you do something that you regret.” Steve stated before smirking at the fact the Soldier clearly was unfamiliar with the term regret. “Like..... I didn’t want to move you but I had to........ So I said sorry. If you do something that effects others in a bad way, or if you think they are upset about something, you can say Sorry or I am Sorry and that means you wish it could be better or that it didn’t happen.” Steve offered, unsure if his description of the word and it’s context made sense. The Soldier looked down in thought and nodded once before he looked back up and spoke with hesitation.

“ I.... am Sorry,...... for hitting you.......” He spoke the words with such a genuine stare that Steve smiled as he shook his head and pulled him into another hug. He released and smiled before standing and helping the Soldier up. Together they walked back into Bucky’s bed room and Steve stretched for a moment.

“Well,..... I don’t think I can fall back asleep right now..... How about you?” Steve asked and received a slight shake of the Soldier’s head, body still and head down awaiting direction. “Maybe we can get some more food in you since that all came up.” Steve sighed and the Soldier did not respond, unsure if he wanted to eat. After a moment of silence, which Steve realized was as close to a No as the Soldier could get when offered something, he sighed and pat Bucky on the back. “Well come on, cuze I didn’t eat dinner and could use a snack.” Steve yawned. He went to his room and changed out of the ripped shirt, wiped the blood from his split lip then reentered the room finding the Soldier in exactly the same position, standing still, head down. Steve sighed and gently guided the Soldier out of the rooms and toward the elevator.  
When the doors open on the communal floor they heard the sound of the T.V on and there was light coming from the kitchen, living room area. Steve stooped as he held Bucky’s hand.

“Jarvis,.... Who is in the common room?” The Captain asked with a hesitant voice, not wanting to introduce Bucky to Natasha or Sam yet as he would likely have an adverse reaction, having fought them both so recently.

Mr. Barton, aka Hawk Eye is currently residing in the common area Sir. Should I alert him that you will be joining him?

“Yes.” Steve spoke after a moment deciding that now would be as good a time as any to introduce Bucky to the archer. As They approached the room walking slowly Steve spoke to Bucky with a calm, reassuring tone.

“You are about to meet Clint Barton,..... he also goes by the name Hawk Eye.....” Steve stated and then was quickly interrupted as the Soldier froze in place and looked up with a blank expression, speaking in an automated voice.

“Clinton Barton, alias Hawk Eye, S.H.I.E.L.D combat agent. Lethal Capabilities with hand to hand combat and long range archery, Weapon of choice: custom made compound bow with explosive arrow heads. Threat level 9, possible interference with mission target Natasha Romenoff, alias the Black Widow. Terminate on sight to neutralize threat.” The Soldier stated the information with out emotion and remained still afterwards, waiting for an order from his Handler. Steve let out a loud breath as he rubbed his neck.

“New orders,...... DO..... NOT....... TERMINATE!.......Clinton Barton is a friend,...... part of my team,...The Avengers.... no longer a target....... Understood?” Steve spoke with calm directness, making sure each word was emphasized. The Soldier looked down processing the change of directives then looked up and nodded once.

“I comprehend,...... S.H.I.E.L.D agent Clinton Barton aka Hawk Eye is no longer a target, he is operating on Team: The Avengers under command of Captain America, Steve Rogers, Handler.” The Soldier replied, his tone firm and stated with more certainty and confidence then Steve had ever heard in his voice since reappearing. Despite the confusion and frightening new feelings and sensations he was experiencing, when it came to combat orders and mission status reports the Soldier was completely competent and it reflected in his straitened posture and assertive speech. Steve eyed his friend warily, slightly unnerved at his change in demeanor from only a few minutes before when he was trembling on the floor. Steve nodded, glade that the Soldier was receptive to the new orders.

As they entered the common area Steve found Barton sprawled out on the couch lazily in blue mesh shorts and a gray tee-shirt. He was eating a bag of Doritos as he watched an old western movie. The Archer turned in their direction and nodded with a casual smile but his eyes ere locked on the Ex-Hydra Assassin who stood a few steps behind Steve, head down and fists clenched. Steve smiled back in acknowledgment then turned toward Bucky with a concerned look before he sighed and took his friend by his stiff arm.

“Bucky,...... This is Clint..... a friend,...... he also wants to help you,...... not a threat!” Steve reiterated. Bucky looked up slowly and as his eyes met Barton’s he offered a stiff nod, jaw locked.

“Hello Bucky,........ I am glad you are here with us...... however you are feeling about me right now,.... it’s okay.......Steve brought you here to help you recover from what Hydra has done to you........ I am not someone you should be afraid of.” Barton expressed with a calm and firm tone as he sat forward slightly, eyes locked firmly with the Soldier.

“I am not afraid of you!” The Soldier hissed with contempt in his voice. The tone took Steve by surprise and Barton shifted back a little, eyebrow raised.

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice admonished and the Soldier lowered his head, shoulders slumped.

“It’s fine Cap,.... we have only met once and that was just a few days ago when I hit him in the face with by bow..... I understand why he might not be feeling all that Buddy Buddy with me.” Hawk Eye shrugged as he set down the Doritos and got up with a stretch. The Soldier took a few steps back as he watched the man move. Clint nodded at him again then walked around the far side of the couch toward the kitchen. “So,..... judging by the split lip and the fact that it is 4:30 in the am, I am guessing that a nightmare might be the reason you two are up here during the insomniac hours of the morning.” Clint stated off handed as he opened the fridge and took out a carton of milk and then opened a cabinet and grabbed a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.

“Yeah,..... I guess we got a few sleepless nights ahead of us!” Steve sighed as he gestured for Bucky to follow him over to the kitchen bar as he pulled out two stools facing Barton. “What are you doing up?” Steve questioned as he nodded in reply to The Archer who held up the box of cereal with an expression asking if he wanted some before pointing at the slowly approaching Soldier who watched his Handler and the S.H.I.E.L.D agent warily. 

Hawk Eyed sighed as he grabbed three bowls from another cupboard and then three spoons. before turning back around.

“He’s not the only one that gets Nightmares!..... Sometimes getting back to sleep just ins’t an option....... Thats when I usually find Nat and make her keep me company but I don’t need to be crying on her shoulder all the time!” Barton smirked as he began pouring cereal into the bowls. Both men looked up when the Soldier spoke in a low, soft voice as he took a seat next to Steve.

“I Cried.” He stated with an expression of sincerity, as if reminding himself and the other men that he was in fact Human. The way he said it and the earnest look brought a gentle smile to Steve’s lips as he pat him on the back and Clint nodded with a smile of his own.

“He was surprised when it happened,.... I don’t think he was able to before.” Steve sighed with a sad twinge in his voice.

“Probably conditioned not to...... Good for you Kid!....... Don’t let anyone ever tell ya real men don’t cry!...... Real men have been through too much pain not to cry sometimes!” Clint sighed as he rubbed his own eyes, flinching at some unspoken memory that made him swallow hard as he began pouring the milk. The Soldier watched his face as he listened to the words, perceptive as always and interested by this man who looked to be controlling his pain the way Banner controlled anger and Stark controlled grief.

Barton pushed the bowl and spoon toward the Soldier and one toward Steve. The Soldier watched as the other two men began to eat the small circles in the white liquid. He looked up at Barton and nodded once in affirmation and then picked up the spoon and ate a bite. It was actually enjoyable, just like the soup but different and he ate another bite and then another in rapid succession earning a chuckle from the two men. When there was no more circles, he continued to sip the milk with the spoon until Hawk Eye cleared his throat and he looked up. The Archer picked up his own bowl with both hands and raised his eyebrows before bringing it to his lips and gulping down the milk. The Soldier looked from him to Steve who smiled and nodded. After only a moment of hesitation the Soldier followed suite and lifted the bowl gulping down the milk. He set it down on the table with a sigh and a nod deciding that perhaps the process of eating was more often enjoyable then not. He looked up as Steve grinned and took a paper towel that Hawk Eye had given him using it to wipe the milk from his friends upper lip.

“More?’ He asked tentatively, still unsure if it was okay to make such a request and Steve nodded before turning to Hawk Eye who was already taking Bucky’s bowl to refill. He ate the second bowl with just as much enthusiasm as the other two watched with smirks.

“Not bad Huh?” Clint asked with a bemused tone. The Soldier nodded once as he set his empty bowl back down.

“Good.” He stated in affirmation with a heavy breath.

“So, do you remember your dream?” Barton asked casually as he picked up the empty bowls and placed them in the sink after exchanging a knowing look with Steve, his eyes scanning the split lip.

The Soldier frowned as he looked down in thought. He was trying to think of the word that described the first part of the dream where he was with all the girls. It came to him suddenly, popping in his mind with a little painful burst and he rubbed his temple.  
“Dancing?” He spoke hesitantly as if he was unsure.

“Dancing?” Hawk Eye asked back with a confused smirk as he looked at Steve who shrugged.

“You use to love dancing Buck,.... would drag me to all the dance halls around town..... usually with a beautiful dame on each arm.” Steve chuckled.

“Dame?” The Soldier asked.

“It’s what we use to call women or girls.” Steve grinned in nostalgia and the Soldier nodded as he swallowed and processed this information.

“Dancing,..... lots of women,...... music,.... fast.” Bucky added and he felt himself stiffen slightly.

“Well so far doesn't sound like such a bad dream.” Clint smirked as he leaned on the table listening.

“Music changed,.. became bombs,......sirens,.....too many people,..... men in uniforms........felt sick,...... couldn’t stand....... people help...... others grab and take away...... strapped down......” His breathing was increasing as his eyes took on a look of panic, staring down at the table in front of him, his body shaking slightly. “Couldn’t move.......... Bad Doctor....... Hydra........ eyes black......... fingers became needles...... knives.....” His breathing hitched as he wrapped his arms around himself and began to rock. “Stabbing me....... pain!” His eyes narrowed with a forced breath as he grit his teeth. The Soldier swallowed back the onslaught of emotions that the images brought forth. His lips were set in a deep angry scowl as he shook his head, fingers gripping his arms tightly as his jaw locked.

Steve sighed heavily as he reached over and rubbed his friends back.

“It’s okay Bucky,.....it’s over,....... your safe........ your safe now!” Steve comforted as he looked over at his friend with an empathetic sigh and then up to Hawk Eye who nodded with understanding in his own deep eyes. After a few more minutes of calm reassurances , The Soldier closed his eyes and rubbed them, then looked up at Steve with an angry frown.

“No more dreams....... please?” The Soldier asked in a numb and exhausted tone that communicated his desperate frustration. Steve sighed and shook his head sadly as he held his friends face in one hand.

“Sorry Bucky,.......I can’t control that........But I promise to always wake you up when you feel trapped....... bring you back here....... to now..... to being safe.” Steve offered a sympathetic smile as the Soldier’s disappointed eyes fell to the floor with a single nod and heavy resigned sigh.

“”It’ll get better Kid,......maybe not for a while but eventually,........ not all dreams are bad!” Clint sighed again with a knowing expression.


	17. Sigh No More

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Sigh No More"

Serve God, love me and mend  
This is not the end  
Lived unbruised, we are friends  
And I'm sorry  
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more  
One foot in sea, one on shore  
My heart was never pure  
You know me  
You know me

But man is a giddy thing  
Oh man is a giddy thing  
Oh man is a giddy thing  
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you  
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free  
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry  
Of my heart to see,  
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you  
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free  
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry  
Of my heart to see,  
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you  
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free  
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry  
Of my heart to see,  
The beauty of love as it was made to be

 

It was almost noon when Steve reentered the the common Room and found Bucky sitting still in the same place he had left him that morning, watching an endless marathon of movies that had been new releases in their day. Steve had conferred with Hawk Eye in the wee hours of the morning about how to keep Bucky occupied while he took care of a few personal matters and prepared for the next round of introductions to the last two occupants of the tower. He had explained to the Archer quietly in the Kitchen as Bucky stared blankly at the T.V infomercials, that if left alone and with out specific orders, the Soldier would just simply remain still, waiting for directives and not able to take it upon him self to engage in something to occupy him. Clint stated that in all likelihood the Soldier’s body appeared inactive, while his mind was racing with thoughts and feelings and slowly forming memories. Clint suggested that Steve ask Jarvis to program a stream of movies that he and Bucky had seen together to help him both with familiarity and memory as well as better understanding human socialization. Steve agreed and asked Bucky if he would be okay left alone for a little while to watch the movies. The Soldier had nodded once, taking the question as a directive and had remained in place on the couch for almost six hours strait with the exception of when Steve had stopped by and had reminded him to go use the toilet when ever he felt the need and had placed a Gatorade and peanut butter sandwich in front of him with the directive to eat when hungry.

The Soldier looked up abruptly when Steve walked in, his slouched position becoming strait and ridge, alert and ready for new directives. Steve smiled as he walked toward him before carefully lowering onto the couch, his gaze meeting the intense, icy blue eyes of the Solldier.

“How are you feeling Bucky?” Steve questioned with a soft smile as he pat his friend on the back, ignoring the stiff tension in his posture. The Soldier remained ridged and straight as he nodded once.

“Vision adequate,...... head ace decreased,...... nausea subsided,...... fatigue minimal,....... prosthetic arm fully functional,.......Ready for active duty.” The Soldier stated with his monotone voice, no emotional influx and eyes intently fixed on his Handler. He was still suffering from unknown emotional reactions to fragmented memories that he half understood but, he was fit enough to ignore the background noise of his ever growing consciousness and carry out what ever mission his Handler saw fit. He was determined to correct his in-adequacy and prove himself a valuable asset so that he could remain with his new Handler and his team. The pieces of memory that had briefly flashed into his mind over the course of the morning hours had been ugly, pain filled and sharp, leaving the taste of blood or bile in his mouth, the scent of burt flesh in his noise and the echo of gun fire and RPG’s ringing in his ears. He had seen bloody faces and torn body parts, heard the pitiful pleas for mercy and the cold, unforgiving silence of his lethal answer. But despite the shudders and discomfort of these fragmented memories, none of them had invoked the same emotional response as his dreams and hallucinations from the day and night before. He was a trained weapon, conditioned to ignore his pain and follow orders. The fact that he was beginning to recognize negative feelings associated with the bloody memories of mission’s past mattered little and he focused on preforming his functional duty of following his Handler’s orders and completing his mission objectives. 

Steve nodded with a tight lip smile, glad that Bucky was feeling less disoriented and physically better, but still uncomfortable with his mechanical relay of his well being.

“Did you like the movies?” Steve questioned and his smile faltered as the Soldier blinked at him in confusion before turning to the screen. The Soldier bit his lip, eye brows furled before turning back toward his Handler, shoulders again slumped.

“I.....did not process the information presented by the video footage,....... I..... was remembering....... not focusing on the assigned task....... I am sorry!” The Soldier felt sick inside as he realized that all this time he had been shifting through the growing mental snapshots that floated into his mind’s eye instead of watching and absorbing the information presented by the videos selected by his Handler. He felt completely stupid and reckless for ignoring such a simple directive and angry with his continued failure to perform proficiently.

“Hey,.... Thats okay,..... it’s good you are remembering,..... you don’t have to watch the movies,..... it was nothing important!” Steve instantly attempted to reassure his friend but with a sad sigh realized that Bucky had already perceived himself as failing to comply to an order that Steve hadn’t been trying to give. The Captain shook his head as he raised the man’s gaze with one hand. “Listen to me,........ you have done nothing wrong,...... It is good to remember,..... it will help you be who you really are,...... James Buchanan Barns!” Steve reassured but let out a deflated breath as the Soldier turned away with pained eyes at the mention of his former name, hiding his face in his flesh hand. With a choked moan, he swallowed down his immense guilt at the fact that he was still deceiving Steve, lying about being Barnes. He had only remembered his missions and interactions with the Hydra Handlers, nothing more. He was only able to access his own memories as the Fist of Hydra, not any of the memories belonging to Sergeant James Barnes because he was keeping that man, the rightful owner of this mind and body, locked away, consciously ignoring his demands for freedom by focusing on his own lost memories of 70 years as a nameless soldier.

Steve sighed again as he looked upon his friend who seemed only to recoil more at each attempted reassurance, shaking with his eyes shut tight. Steve cleared his throat and changed his tone of voice.

“Bucky, I want you to meet another friend of mine,..... but first you have to calm down,...... You have done nothing wrong and I need you to be open to meeting another member of our team.” Steve’s voice was calm but authoritative and The Soldier responded by looking up sharply, jaw locked and eyes pensive as he nodded once. Despite his continued failure, his Handler had still not punished him and was giving him yet another chance to prove himself as a valuable asset. He put aside his own feelings of guilt and inadequacy to focus on following the new directive: Meeting another member of Captain America’s Team.

Steve regarded his troubled friend for a long moment, watching with patient eyes as The Soldier slowed his breathing and straightened his posture, expression once more neutral and blue eyes focused and alert. 

“Bucky,...... you met this man before,...... when you were on your mission for Hydra,..... you fought him and he had no choice but to fight you back........ You are no longer Hydra’s weapon,......... Your mission is over and he is no longer a threat to you.........How will you react when you meet him?” Steve asked, his tone taking on a cautious curiosity as he decided to see if the Soldier was able to understand with out specific instruction how to interact with a stated allie. The Soldier looked down processing the information and then analyzing the question posed. This was a test. Just as he had been tested before with the option of willful, free choice and decision making, now he was being tested on how to interact with his Handler’s team. The Soldier looked up and his steady gaze met Steve’s.

“I will acknowledge his presence and will respond to any inquires or directives offered by the Team member. I will not become violent or use physical force against your friend and will remain in control of any and all unauthorized reactions to negative and positive stimuli.” The Soldier responded to the best of his abilities and searched his Handler’s face for approval or reprimand. Steve again offered the tight lip smile and nod, eyes accepting his reply as adequate but the Soldier had come to understand that Steve was holding back disappointment and it turned his stomach with a painful twist. He would do better, he needed to be better then adequate for Steve,..... he had to be human.

Steve stood up and reached out a hand that the Soldier excepted as he stood following his Handler toward the middle of the room. Steve released his hand and smiled again as he Spoke toward the celling.

“Jarvis,..... can you tell Sam we’re ready for him?”

Certainly Captain Rogers

The Soldier stiffened and his eyes narrowed as he deliberately controlled his breathing even as his fists clenched. Sam stood in the door way nodding at the glaring assassin with a bag of groceries in his arms.

“Hi Bucky,......” Sam stated with a calm voice, eyes steady as he entered the room and walked over toward the kitchen counter with the bag setting it down. He then took a few more steps toward the Soldier with his arms down at his sides. He stopped just out of the ex-assassin’s reach, and did not change his outward expression but his eyes were searching the Soldier’s gaze ,looking for what, he wasn’t certain. The Winter Soldier looked over the man up and down, assessing his threat level as his body remained tense and ridged. Steve stood to the side between them and cleared his throat.

“Bucky,.... This is Sam Wilson, also known as the Falcon...... He’s ex-military,.... Just like you and me..... He knows what it’s like to try and feel normal after living as a Soldier in combat,...... He can help you with thoughts and feelings you are struggling with,..... You can ask him question’s just like the rest of the team.” Steve spoke slowly as he eyed his friends body language. Sam remained still and calm, relaxed, his gaze locked with The Soldier who studied him with uncertainty, muscles twitching in his locked jaw. After another moment or two The Soldier looked to Steve who simply nodded and then back to Sam. He took his clenched fists and folded them into his crossed arms as he reminded himself that this man was not a threat.

“You had wings?” His tone is half question half demand.

“Yea,...... I still do,...... I just don’t ware them when I am not in active combat.” Sam stated simply with a nod.

“I broke one of your wings off.” The Soldier spoke again, this time with a hesitant tone, as if trying to determine how the other man felt about that fact. Sam smirked and nodded exchanging a look with Steve and then back to Bucky. He hooked his thumbs in his belt loops with a soft sigh.

“Yea you did.” He shrugged. “Tony Stark,.... The mechanic you met yesterday,..... he made me a new pair,..... they fly even better.” Sam explained with an easy, non confrontational tone. Bucky seemed to relax a bit as Sam’s body became casual and his reaction to the past violence and damage unconcerned. There was another period of silence before The Soldier spoke, uncrossing his arms as he held up the metal one.

“Stark fixed my arm,....... no more pain.” The Soldier confided simply, eyes still intense and analyzing but with out the hostile glare.

“Thats great!...... Stark is a very smart man,..... he is good at fixing anything mechanical.” Sam’s lips set in a comfortable smile as he nodded. The Soldier nodded in response then looked at Steve to see if he was interacting as his Handler had directed, if he was preforming his orders as was expected. 

Steve smiled warmly at Bucky and stepped forward with a pat on his back gesturing toward the bag of food.

“It’s lunch time,.... Sam went to the store and bought some special food that Doctor Banner said would help you feel better so you can eat more often and not feel sick or in pain.” Steve explained as he walked with Bucky over to the table and pulled out a stool. The Soldier complied and sat down with his hands in his lap, eyes watching Sam as he came around the other side and began emptying the bag. “What are we having Sam?” Steve sat next to Bucky with a happy smile, the intro having gone with out incident.

“Well, Gonna make a super food salad with spinach, kale, and swiss chard. Lots of raw veggies in there and some sprouts to get those vitamins and minerals. Pine nuts and goat cheese, some organic, cage free, hormone free chicken with a light oil and vinegar dressing and pomegranate -cranberry juice.” Sam concluded with a smile as he spread out the ingredients. The Soldier watched and listened as Sam pointed out each ingredient and nodded when he was finished.

Steve stood and helped Sam as they began to prepare the food and the Soldier watched as they engaged in friendly banter, body language free and easy as they occasionally laughed or bumped into each other. The Soldier did not know why but his face felt a bit hot and he resented Sam slightly for his comfortable friendship with Steve. He swallowed down the ridiculous feeling as he reminded himself that Steve was his Handler, and he was....... well to be honest, he wasn’t sure what he was to Steve other then an asset but what kind of asset if not a weapon?

“Hey Bucky,......” He looked up suddenly with a start as he had been pondering the question and hadn’t noticed Steve watching his pensive expression turn to a deep, worried frown. “Whats going on in your head right now?” Steve asked gently as he took a seat next to his slightly nervous friend. The Soldier bit his lip and looked away, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden attention. Sam was cutting vegetables on the counter, his back to the Soldier and the knife hidden from his view no doubt purposefully, but still he could tell the man was listening. The Soldier shifted uncomfortably on the stool unsure how to respond. At last he sighed realizing he needed to answer the question and was unable to think of any other reply then the truth.

“You are my Handler?......” The Soldier asked with an uncertain tone, eyes staring down at his lap, long hair cascading over his troubled expression.

“Yes.” Steve nodded as he watched his friend with uncertainty, wondering what was coming next.

“.......I...... am not a Weapon?” The Soldier questioned with a hopeful breath, eyes glancing sideways slightly, fearful of a negative reaction, still not use to this shift in self identification.

“Correct,...... You are NOT a Weapon!” Steve agreed with a strong nod as he reached out and tucked Bucky’s hair behind his ear to better see his face.

“What..... am......I...?” His voice was smaller now, brimming with hesitation and a slight tremble as if not knowing was in its self wrong and bad. Steve sighed as he rest a hand on his buddy’s metal shoulder.

“You are Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, a World War II hero and Honored Veteran, but more then that,..... you are my best friend..... The man who had my back during the war and saved my skin when we were just kids....... We grew up together, played together, learned together,......and through every good and bad life experience we shared,..... you alway protected me,..... took care of me,.... looked out for me!....... Like I am trying to do for you now!” Steve concluded with an ernest look of love and a tone that was stead fast and sure. The Soldier once more swallowed down his guilt as the voice inside his head begged to be freed. He shook his head with a heavy sigh.

“Barnes was your friend,..... he dose not need a Handler,..... I am not him...... You are my Handler,....... I am not a weapon...... what am I?” The Soldier’s voice was soft and confused, the words spoken through trembling lips, his eyes shut as he felt the weight of the question heavy on his head.

“Bucky...... You might not remember who you are now,.... but that doesn't mean your not you,....... No matter what Hydra did to you, no matter how bad they hurt you and what they made you do,..... You will always and forever be James Buchanan Barnes,..... My Best Friend,...... My Bucky!” Steve reassured and scooted closer as he wrapped his arm around his friends back looking at him with such love and deep devotion that it took his breath away. The Soldier wanted Steve’s words to be true, wanted so very badly to be his Bucky, but deep down he knew he never would be and the voice in the back of his head pounded on the metal door in his mind, reminding him that he was not who Steve thought he was, the lie ripping him apart.

The Soldier leaned forward resting his forehead on the table with a heavy shudder as he closed his eyes to keep back the tears that seemed to flood his vision as the voice, Barne’s voice screamed in his head, calling him a lier, a monster and a fraud. He remained with his head down, breathing heavy as he shook and tried to control himself but the emotions he felt were so raw and he wanted to tell Steve the truth, wanted to explain why he would never remember those memories, because they were not his. His only chance to see and understand who this man had been was when dreaming and those could not be considered accurate accounts of real, lived experiences. His head throbbed as he shuddered again, feeling the warm hand rubbing his back, words of comfort he did not deserve chanted close to his ear. In some ways, this was worse then the pain of being punished and he knew that despite the pleas from the desperate man inside his head, he had to keep him secret because to let Bucky live was to accept his own death and he just couldn’t do that.

“Hey Bucky,....... Try to eat this,...... you need nutrition if you are gonna recover your strength and be healthy again.” Sam’s voice held a soft compassion while still being a directive that had to be followed. 

The Soldier sat up with heavy eye lids that blinked tears, bottom lip trembling. His lost, pitiful gaze met Sam’s and the man’s expression went from calm to a sad smile, eyes offering compassion and solace. He turned to Steve who’s expression was similar but perhaps a little more grief stricken as the Captain used his thumbs to wipe away his friend’s tear stained cheeks.

“It will taste good Bucky,...... It will make you feel better!....... Go ahead pal.” Steve’s voice was so soft and gentle that he sounded as if he was speaking to a small child, weak and fragile. The Soldier nodded once and swallowed again as he turned toward the Salad, picking up the Fork. He watched the other two stab at their food and he did the same. The first bite was amazing as was the second and third and as he swallowed he let his mind focus on his sense of smell and taste, ignoring the screams from man with in.

“Do you like it?” Sam asked with a smile as he watched the Soldier’s face go from anguish and despair to contemplative as he chewed with concentration. The Soldier looked up as he swallowed and fixed Sam with another studied look. He was uncertain of the word like, But it seemed that Sam wanted to know his analysis of the food he had prepared.

“Different...... textures,......tastes,........ Good!” He responded with a nod and continued to eat with the others. As he ate he contemplated how best to try and be human and thought about the words and phrases he had learned from Steve. He looked up slowly at Sam and stopped eating as his large round eyes, still red and glossy from unshed tears met with the man that he had fought in battle only a month before.

“I.....am sorry........ for damaging your wing,.........It is good that I did not kill you....... you make good food.” The Soldier nodded with sincerity and both Sam and Steve hid their laughter behind warm smiles, Steve patting Bucky’s back with a nod, eyebrows raised in amusement. Sam gave Bucky a Thumbs up biting back a chuckle as he nodded too.

“Thanks man,..... Apology accepted and I am glad you like the food!” Sam chuckled again as he met Steve’s eyes that seemed to relax, the worry fading slightly.

“The best part of you getting better Buck and your stomach getting stronger is you can try lots of different types of food,...... and if you don’t like something you can just tell us and you don’t have to eat it.” Steve explained as he finished his salad.

“What is .....like?” The Soldier questioned as he took a large swallow from his drink and made a sudden surprised face by the tartness of the liquid, receiving more chuckles and laughs from the other two men. The Soldier looked at them and the sound of their laughter and brightness of their smiles subdued his fear and guilt, the throbbing in his skull lessening.

“To ‘like’ something is to think it is good....... I like the color red...... I like watching the sun set....... I like to drawl........ I do not like how loud Tony plays his music!” Steve offered and received a smirk from Sam. The Soldier thought about what Steve said. He did not know if he liked a color,...... but red reminded him of blood and that was not good.......The sun set was just a daily occurrence that he had no way of choosing or controlling........drawling was another thing he did not understand the enjoyment of but understood the tactical purpose for mapping and schematics..... The music Steve had played was calming and soothing, while the music Stark had played was loud and intense. Did that mean he liked Steve’s choice in music or was it just more tolerable then Stark’s music. The Soldier frowned slightly and shook his head, still uncertain if he could determine what he liked and did not like. He looked up and turned toward Sam, eyes asking for more examples.

“Well,..... I like helping my friends when they need it,....... I do not like watching them suffer in pain.” Sam explained, trying to help Bucky understand using emotional connections. The Soldier nodded again as he took another gulp of Juice, prepared for the tartness but still making a face. He set down the glass and thought for a moment before looking up with unsure eyes and a hesitant tone.

“I....... Like..... eating food.......Like.... getting clean......Like...... touch......” He made the gesture and brought his hand to Steve's face then dropped it down his expression becoming tight and drawn, forehead creased as his eyes narrowed. “I do not like punishment .......not like killing people.” The Soldier offered unsure if what he said was relevant or acceptable. He was relived when his attempt at having a preference received a pat on the back and nods of affirmation.

“It is good to hear you say that Bucky!.... And that is how I know you are still the good man you always were,...... Nothing can change that........Killing and hurting people is bad and wrong........Hydra was bad and wrong to make you kill.......The Avengers try to help and protect people........ only hurt the people who want to hurt others!” Steve surmised with a kind, thoughtful nod attempting to explain the difference with simplistic terms he hoped Bucky could understand. The Soldier nodded again as he turned back toward his salad, finishing the last mouthful. When he swallowed he looked up, his glance shifting back and forth as he let out a breath and spoke again.

“I like team The Avengers,...... I do not like Hydra.” He stated and despite himself he felt a fearful shudder run up his spine as if half expecting Pierce to appear with a cattle prod. Steve and Sam both noticed his reaction and Steve rubbed his back as The Soldier hung his head and closed his eyes tight against the painful memory flashes of punishments past.

“And The Avenger’s like you Bucky!....... and we HATE Hydra!” Steve confirmed with a steel tone. The Soldier did not raise his eyes as he breathed out the question.

“Hate?” His voice small as his head ached, images of Handler’s and Trainer’s attacking him with vicious force, inflicting pain and agony on a retrained and broken weapon.

“Hate is stronger than to not like,..... Hate means you feel angry, resentful, and so disgusted by that thing that you want to destroy it....... Hate is not good...... you feel it when something is so wrong and bad that it hurts deep down inside your chest.” Steve explained with a locked jaw as he rubbed Bucky’s back with a little more force.

The Soldier looked up with sad eyes and nodded in understanding. He let out a shuddered sigh as he rubbed his temples and leaned in toward his handler’s comforting touch.

“I hate Hydra!” He acknowledged with a broken whisper. He shuddered again and there was silence, soft and un-intrusive, letting him process his thoughts and feelings, all newly recovered from the depths of his tormented soul. After a few more reflective breaths the Soldier tilted his head and looked up toward both men. “ What is the opposite?......Like,....Do not Like.......Hate......?” The Soldier questioned, looking back and forth, still getting use to asking questions but beginning to feel more comfortable with the process.

“Love.” Sam answered with a soft smile. “Loving something or some one makes you feel good and right,.......makes you feel safe and secure,.......happy,......” Sam explained with a nod. The Soldier processed this with a slow nod before he turned to Steve with a hesitant look, biting his lip, eyes cautious.

“I like......... Avengers,......I love...... Steve?” His voice carried a question as he was still not certain if he grasped the proper understanding. His uncertainty was meet by a look of such hope and affection that once more his breath caught in his throat. The warmth of Steve’s smile flashed brightly before he was pulled into a crushing hug that the Soldier slowly relaxed into but did not reciprocate, the gesture still unfamiliar like everything else he had experienced since accepting this man as his Handler.

“I love you too Buck!” Steve said with a grateful sigh before he opened his eyes as he glanced up to Sam who smiled with a steady nod, arms folded and face in a pleased smile.


	18. Gone, Gone, Gone

PHILLIP PHILLIPS LYRICS

"Gone, Gone, Gone"

When life leaves you high and dry  
I'll be at your door tonight  
If you need help, if you need help.  
I'll shut down the city lights,  
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe  
To make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your door  
I'll carry you away from war  
If you need help, if you need help.  
Your hope dangling by a string  
I'll share in your suffering  
To make you well, to make you well.

Despite The Soldier’s resistance toward sleep he found his eyes closing involuntarily, his head falling forward until it snapped back up, his eyes blinking rapidly. Steve watched his friend with a sigh from the other side of the couch were the two had been watching another movie from their past lives. Sam had excused him self after lunch and almost instantly after taking their seats a comfortable space apart on the couch, the Soldier had begun drifting off, eye lids heavy.

“Just lay down Buck,.... I will be right here,...... you need rest,...... It’s okay.” Steve promised as he got up and grabbed a pillow and stuck it under his friends head as the Soldier reluctantly obeyed the order for rest, his worried eyes looking at his Handler with deep dread. “It will be okay Buck,..... I will wake you up if you start to have a nightmare,... a bad dream....... Your safe,..... no one here will hurt you.” Steve reassured as he sat down on the carpeted floor in front of the couch and gently stroked the hair from his friend’s face with a loving smile. “Close your eyes,..... I got ya Buck...... your safe!” Steve’s voice was soft and The Soldier desperately wanted to believe him but he knew the truth. Perhaps no one in the Tower was going to harm him, but his prisoner within, the man Hydra had tried to erase was awake and was desperate for his stolen freedom. The Solider closed his eyes and tried not to let his fear take hold, knowing that once his conscious mind gave way to the world of dreaming, he would no longer be the one in control.

............................................................................................................................................

He stood over a pile of charred corpses, burt beyond recognition. He looked down with out thought or emotion, only feeling a mild wave of nausea from the awful smell of the burnt flesh. His ear piece crackled to life and he heard a man’s voice.

“Soldier, Status report!” The order was given in Russian and the Hydra Assassin replied in the same language, Tone gruff and monotone.

“Six Targets down,..... No survivors,..... Three non targets terminated as collateral damage...... Mission Completed.” He Turned away from the burning building as he walked in the direction of his next order.

“Return to Extraction Point!” The Voice ordered.

“Affirmative.” The Soldier replied as he continued walking the 10 miles toward the rendezvous point

His steps were solid and he kept a steady pace, eyes strait forward and mind focused only on following orders, nothing more nothing less. 

“You make me sick!” The Soldier slowed his pace with a confused glance around him although the sound had been in his ear piece. The statement had not been in Russian but English taking him by surprise. He struggled to recognize the meaning of the words knowing it had not been an order but perhaps a reprimand but for what he did not know. He continued walking toward his destination with his shoulders slightly hunched, unsure what he had done wrong but knowing if there was something he was sure to receive a punishment.

“All you fucking care about is saving your own skin!......... Do their biding, slaughter the innocent so you don’t have to feel pain!” The Voice on the ear piece was venomous with quiet rage. The Solider swallowed as he realized that he recognized the voice, that it wasn’t in his ear piece but inside of his head. The realization was frightening and he knew that he had to get back to Hydra so they could fix him and make the voice go away like they always did.

“You don’t deserve to live,.... your worse then a weapon because you can think and you know that this is wrong but you still follow orders,..... like a dumb, loyal mutt!.......You are worthless!” The voice was louder now with greater force and anger. The Solider picked up his pace and began to run, feeling a slight panic grow.

“Run,..... Thats it, just run away from the truth, from the fact that you let them make you into this monster, that you were too pathetic and weak to fight back!” The Soldier was running and tripped over human remains, falling onto his hands and knees in a human bone yard, rotting flesh and exposed entrails all around him. Suddenly he found himself surrounded by a ring of fire, the burned corpses, standing in the flames, dead eyes, vacant holes in their charged burnt faces.

“You cant run from what you are,.... you cant pretend to be a real person,..... They will see through you,.... they will know you are empty inside, that you are nothing but a mindless idiot that kills to save himself!....... You really think Captain America wants you as his friend...... You are a weak, cowardly shell of a human, pretending to be a person!” The Soldier was gritting his teeth in anger as he looked up and there in front of him was James Buchanan Barnes,....... Dressed in his army uniform, sharp and pressed, the way he had looked in his photo. He sneered at The Soldier as he shook his head with contempt. The Soldier rose to his knees and pulled out his gun with a shaky hand and fired it, unloading every shot into Barnes who didn’t even flinch or turn away. He walked toward the trembling Soldier and once he was close he gabbed him by the hair yanking his head back, leaning in with a low growl.

“You can’t keep me locked away forever!....... I will not let you live my life!” Barnes whispered the promised threat, blue eyes staring icy daggers into his heart. Barnes stood and then backhanded the Soldier just as Pierce had done but this one stung like the lick of the flames that were closing in around him.

The Soldier’s eyes shot open as he covered his mouth to muffle his chocked sob, his body shaking and eyes wide with panic. Steve was kneeling in front of him, not touching but near by, eyes full of concern.

“It’s okay Buck,.... It’s okay,.... Just a bad dream.” Steve spoke slowly as his voice drew the attention of the frantic wet eyes that settle on his face, hands lowering slowly. The Soldier trembled and squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a whimper and then curled into a ball on the couch, arms over his head, covering his face. Barnes was right,..... he did not deserve comfort, only pain. His gut tightened and he felt his fear and despair rekindle his building rage and overwhelming hatred for himself and for the lie he had become trapped in.

“Bucky,.... It’s okay...” Steve reached forward but was taken back when the Soldier let out an angry growl, shoving his Handler away as he bolted up right crouching on the couch like a cornered beast.

“NO!......... Stop..... Calling...... Me...... That!” The Solider snarled in disgust at the fraud he had so eagerly accepted. He was not Steve’s Bucky, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, his long lost child hood friend. He was simply a living breathing weapon, created to complete mission’s and follow orders with lethal accuracy. The Soldier let out an anguished cry as he began hitting the sides of his head with both hands, his chest gasping for air between guttural cries. 

Steve was instantly back up on his feet as he rushed the Soldier in a protective tackle, wrapping his arms around the Soldier, pinning his arms to his side as he pulled him in tight, The Soldier’s back to his torso. They fell from the couc onto the ground as the Soldier screamed and yelled with desperate rage, struggling against Steve’s strong embrace as they wrestled on the floor not unlike when they were on the Helicaraier.

The Soldier was overwhelmed with thought and emotion, unable to make sense of anything, The room was spinning and his head was pounding with the hateful echo’s of Barne’s ridicule and contempt. He felt like he was being split in two from the shear desperate anger and self loathing. He fought against the arms that held him with out conscious thought, his only intent was to get away from the angry yelling inside his own head, the noise and chaos of his unstable consciousness dominating any reason or logic. He howled in pain and rage and fear and desperation, the sounds ripping threw his throat with animalistic cries that did not form words.

Steve clung to his friend with all of his strength as he called to Jarvis over the guttural cries of distress.

“JARVIS!...... I NEED BRUCE AND SAM!...... WHO EVER IS HERE!” Steve shouted as he wrapped his legs around Bucky’s lower half as the man arched his body, twisting as he attempted to escape. Moments later the common room was suddenly infiltrated by the other occupants of the Avenger's tower who had entered in a rush but had stopped in momentary shock at the sight of the screaming Assassin. The Soldier’s eyes were wide and frantic, desperately fighting to free himself from the Captain who was on his back, holding on with a look of utter confusion.

Natasha hung in the hallway just outside peering over the other’s. She had been on standby to meet Bucky during a family dinner that evening since the other Avenger’s had all been remarking at how well the Winter Soldier was adjusting to such a dramatic life change and his physical recovery. The SH.I.E.L.D Agent sighed with a slight shake of her head as she gazed at the Winter Soldier, a lethal and deadly Assassin, currently in the grips of a psychotic breakdown and identity crisis. Yet her comrades in arms thought he was doing just splendid! Men were such clueless idiots sometimes! They spent their entire lives masking their insecurity and faults with a masculine sense of bravado that stemmed from some cave man argument about who’s dick was bigger. Why they had not instinctually understood that the Soldier was a Man and there for as his programming cracked he was going to try to mask over his true weakness and vulnerability, being his utter insanity. After such a complete and total loss of personal autonomy and perception of self determination he would be in desperate need of acceptance and ownership in order to feel safe and secure. He needed permission to be not okay, a firm order to accept his own vulnerability and weakness as part of the corse and a mission to keep him grounded and focused.

The Black Widow rolled her eyes with a dramatic huff as she watched Bruce calmly try to inject a sedative into the Soldier’s arm as Sam and Stark tried to help Steve Hold him still. The Soldier would not stop struggling and seemed to find what ever internal strength he needed to remarkably break free. He jerked his head back connected with Steve’s noise and twisted his metal arm free sending Tony crashing backwards and into Bruce. Sam attempted to grab the arm but was rewarded with a vice grip on his throat as Hawk Eyes stood nearby ready to draw an arrow. Natasha responded quickly as she closed distance and with one hand she yanked harshly on the Soldiers hair with one strong jerk as she shouted at him in Russian.

“ENOUGH!......... SOLDIER, FIRST POSITION!” She ordered with a commanding voice. Almost instantly The Soldier stopped screaming, released his grip on Sam’s throat, struggled out of Steve’s loosened arms as he crawled onto his knees with his arms behind his head, hyperventilating through his noise, jaw locked as his huge panicked eyes remain forward, fixed on the wall. The others all slowly picked them selves up cautiously backing away from the Soldier as they eyed him with concern. His chest was heaving rapidly and his body trembled but he remained locked in his ordered position. Steve cast a glance at Natasha with a displeased look, communicating his discomfort with her order. She ignored him and circled around standing in front of the kneeling man.

“Why were you screaming?” The Black Widow questioned, continuing to speak in Russian with a direct, authoritative tone that was not hostile but not gentle either. The Soldier made a plaintive noise in his throat and his eyes glanced up at her and then forward, eye brows creasing as a fearful expression covered his face. His breathing increased as did his shaking.

“Soldier,.... Calm down,.... take slow breaths,....... control your fear...... I will not harm you and neither will anyone else here.” Natasha’s voice remained neutral, her volume softer but her Russian words still a direct order that demanded compliance. She stood still standing just out of his reach, arms crossed as she waited for him to gain control. 

“Nat......” Steve started but she simply held her hand up to stop him from speaking or moving forward. The others all stood back around the room, watching the situation with intensity . The Soldier closed his eyes as he attempted to slow his breathing and calm his rapidly beating heart. He was confused and disoriented and wasn’t at all sure what had just happened but he knew that he was terrified and the sensation was so strong that he felt paralyzed by it. He tried to organize his jumbled thoughts and understand where the intense feeling was coming from. He opened his eyes again and looked up at the woman who was ordering him in Russian, the familiarity helping him feel a little bit more at ease.

“I...... Do...Not....Know...” He sputtered the Russian words with an apologetic look, bottom lip in a pout. Natasha viewed him with a thoughtful expression and took a few steps forward. She brought her hand to his face slowly as he flinched expecting a strike for not answering her question correctly but instead she just rest her hand on his face the way Steve had done. He looked up at her again with wide frightened eyes as she Spoke again, this time her Russian words were smoother and soothing but still carried authority.  
“Clear your mind,...... focus only on what I ask you......... What happened right before you started to scream and fight back against Captain America?” Natasha questioned him softly. Again he closed his eyes as he tried to think.

“I.....I.....woke up..........Had dream......Bad.” He responded as he opened his eyes with a trembling lip. His eyes locked on hers as if she was his savior. Natasha nodded her understanding. She stroked his hair and slowly crouched down until she was seated in front of him. She gently used both hands to lower his arms from behind his head and held his hands in hers.

“Why did you tell Steve not to call you Bucky?........Why did you start hitting yourself?” Her words switched to english as her expression softened, eyes searching his. She had watched the surveillance footage right before they had come to intervene. He looked at her as he bit his lip then glanced sideways at Steve and back. He couldn’t tell her the truth, the fear of their rejection gripping his tongue as he shook his head and looked down. He sat back on his caves, still kneeling as he let out a long depressed sigh. Natasha studied him, and knew there was something he was too afraid to say, too afraid to admit. Her tone changed again but remained in English.

“Soldier,.... You will explain your behavior,..... What are the reason’s for your reaction?” Her voice was still soft but again took on the authoritative tone as she took one hand and raised his chin until their eyes met. He looked at her with a lost and sad expression as he bit his lip again and struggled with what to say. This woman,.....He recognized her now..... enough to know that she was a force to be reckoned with and could be cruel and violet if she wished but was still using the same gentle, reassuring touches as Steve. He was being ordered to confess the truth and he knew that she would not except anything less. 

“I...... I am not James Buchanan Barnes,........ I...... am not a person...... But I want to be....... I am a lie.......... I am Bad........I am failing at being the man called Bucky.......because I am not him...... I am afraid.........I do not want to go back to Hydra..... But Captain America wants Bucky........ not a weapon.......I need to be punished..... Please?” The Soldier spoke in trembling english, his speech fragmented and broken, eyes becoming wet as he hung his head, shoulders shuddering. He did not look up but heard the sighs from the gathered men in the room and Steve’s sharp intake of breath.

“Oh Bucky!” Steve’s tone was full of heart ache and he took a step forward but again was stopped as Natasha held up her hand but did not move her eyes from the hunched man in front of her.

“If we punished you...... would that make you Sergeant Barns?” She questioned him in a calm way that made him up look up in thought. He frowned and shook his head no.

“Well,.... then punishment serves no purpose...... If trying to be James Buchanan Barnes is not an achievable Mission, then we will change your objective. Your new Mission is to learn how to be your own person........ From this moment on you will stop attempting to be Bucky and will instead focus on not being a weapon....... You will be trained in how to exercise free choice and make decisions for your self...... You will learn how to recognize your own wants and needs and will use your words to inform other’s if you are confused or upset........ You will not harm any person who resides in this tower or who has been not deemed a threat by any of the Avengers........ You will allow your self to feel every emotion good or bad and will openly communicate with the Avenger’s if you do not understand your thoughts or feelings....... For now...... You will continue to respond to the name Bucky but will not be held accountable or expected to behave or act like that man. You will continue to remember and communicate these memories with the Avengers when prompted....... Do you understand your orders...... Bucky?” The Black Widow stated calmly as she focused her eyes on the man in front of her who looked down in thought, patiently waiting as he processed the information. After a long moment he looked up with a swallow, his expression one of relief and acceptance. He nodded once.

“Affirmative........ Mission objective understood...... I will learn how to be a person.” He responded with a monotone voice but sighed after in thankful relief that his burden and lie was finally over and he was still accepted. Barne’s had been wrong about their rejection and he planed on telling the man so when next he gave into sleep.

“One more directive.” Natasha’s voice took on a very serious tone and he looked up with uncertainly and wariness.

“You will not harm your self in anyway and will communicate with any Avenger if you feel the need to inflict pain upon your self. Do you comprehend?” Natasha again used her Authoritative tone and a look that communicated his need to comply with out question. The Soldier nodded again once.

“I comprehend...... I will inform team The Avengers if I want to cause injury to my self.” The Soldier responded in an automatic, emotionless voice. For his correct response he received a warm smile from Natasha as she again stroked his hair.

“Good,...... That’s good Bucky!” She stated with a soft nod in encouragement, sounding for the first time as a friend instead of as a person in authority. He studied her face and tried to mimic her expression, bringing his lips up at the corners slightly. He heard Steve sigh and looked up at him and saw a similar expression on his Handler's face with eyes that spoke of his relief and his overwhelming compassion for the former weapon. The Soldier stood even through he was not ordered too, and he knew that it was okay because he was allowed to make decisions. He walked slowly over toward Steve with his head hung slightly.

“I......am...... Sorry for harming you...... I will improve my ability to be a person.” The Soldier stated with a meek voice. He did not look up as Steve closed distance and wrapped him in a warm hug, one hand rubbing his back up and down.

“I know you will Bucky!......... Thats all that matters to me!...... I just want you to feel good again......... No More Pain, right?” Steve asked and received a nod from the Soldier that kept his face buried against Steve’s chest, his arms hanging loosely.

“Well,.... Speaking of learning how to be a person,.... how about teaching him how to reciprocate a hug instead of hanging their like a limp plant?” Stark offered and Steve rolled his eyes stepping back from Bucky slightly. 

“When people Hug they both use their arms.” Steve stated with a soft chuckle. Bucky frown and looked down at his limbs then back up with a soft, tentative voice.

“I...... do not want to use my metal arm........ Is that acceptable?” He questioned uncertain. Steve smiled again and nodded as he pulled him back into the embrace. Slowly and awkwardly Bucky raised his flesh arm up and rest it very gently on Steve’s upper back. The awkward moment received a small laugh from the other’s and Hawk Eye smirked.

“Some one get a camera,......lesson one,...... how to hug....... repeat as necessary!” He grinned and was surprised when The Soldier stepped away from Steve and turned in his direction taking a few steps across the room as he approached the man with the same flesh arm raised and open. Barton chuckled as he opened his arms and accepted the hug from the Soldier who looked at him with innocence, taking his statement to heart. He then turned toward Banner then Stark, repeating the awkward, robotic hugging gesture that received smiles and amusement from all gathered. When he got to Sam he stopped and his eyes widened, his arm still positioned stiffly open in the air. He looked at the forming bruises on the man’s throat and he dropped the arm and hung his head.

“You have been hurt...... I am sorry for causing you injury...... I choose to accept any reprimand you deliver!” He spoke with a small wave of hope that Sam would be more forgiving since he used the word Choose. Sam sighed and pulled the Soldier into a hug with a firm pat on his back. It was brief and after, Sam set both hands on the Soldier’s shoulders and locked his eyes with the regretful man in front of him.

“I choose to accept your apology and I choose not to reprimand you because I know you were not in control of your self......... I would appreciate it however if you try to keep your violent reactions to inanimate objects and not living people,..... do you comprehend?” Sam asked, using Natasha’s same tone. The Soldier nodded once in compliance. Sam smiled and released his shoulders.

“Well gang all in all the introduction process has gone pretty well!....... Who’s down for Pizza?” Stark clapped his hands with raised eyebrows receiving sighs and rolled eyes, the tension finally dissipating and the Soldier let his eyes drift around to the face’s of his new Handler and the Avenger’s, his relief and gratefulness overwhelming as he felt his lips curling up again ever so slightly.


	19. Rape Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, It has occurred to me that I have only had like four days pass and this story has a lot farther to go. So I will begin jumping forward a bit instead of doing play by plays. Hope thats okay with Yall!!! 
> 
> Also WARNING!...This Chapter Is RATED M. Depiction of Non consensual sexual violence with a minor. I try not to be too graphic. I do not think over all it is too twisted but this chapter needs a warning. Get ready cuze it’s a depressing one!

Nirvana “Rape Me”  
Rape me Rape me, my friend Rape me Rape me again  
I'm not the only one, Aaah Hate me Do it and do it Again Waste me Rape me, my friend  
I'm not the only one, Aaah My favorite inside source I'll kiss your open sores I Appreciate your concern You're gonna stink and burn  
Rape me Rape me, my friend Rape me Rape me again  
I'm not the only one, Aaah  
Rape me! (Rape me!)

 

The first two weeks of living in the Tower was not with out it’s trials and tribulations as the Avenger’s and Soldier discovered. Both he and Steve were perpetually exhausted from nights full of screaming and broken furniture. After some debate it was decided that the Soldier would sleep on a mattress on the floor in the center of the completely empty room as everything else had been smashed to pieces. The sheets were removed so they no longer resembled restraints and instead he had one thick comforter that he could huddle under and hide away or throw off and feel unrestricted. The Soldier had become obsessed with apologizing, saying he was sorry for every little thing, his guilt at not being truthful about Sergeant Barn’s consciousness living within his mind, resurfaced each morning after a fresh set of night terrors where he came face to face with the man who haunted his dreams.

Each day he was afforded a loose schedule that allowed plenty of down time and processing of thoughts and feelings. He was given a lab top and after being instructed on how to use it by Stark, was encouraged to look up information from the internet. He was told that there were answers to all of his questions even the ones he did not know he had yet. Steve had been cautious about the idea and was concerned that he could become emotionally distressed upon researching something that would trigger a negative memory. Natasha and Clint had convinced him that the memories with in his own mind would resurface with or with out being triggered and that he needed to be given some control over his de-conditioning and access to information that he had been denied for too long.

The Soldier was also officially introduced to Jarvis and how to interact with him. The Soldier had made use of the AI by asking him fragmented questions when he was confused or in need of help. Jarvis had been instructed and programed by Stark to monitor the Soldier at all times and to inform the other’s when ever the man was in emotional or physical distress. This surveillance was not seen as a violation of privacy by the Soldier who had no concept of his right to personal space but Steve had felt both reassured and uncomfortable with it. However it had proved incredibly useful as it allowed the Soldier his time to be alone and work through the complexities of his newly granted freedom to be a person. 

During the day he would spend his time lounging in the common room with the others, remaining quietly in a chair by the window as he feverishly looked up anything and everything. At times when something negative was triggered he would shut the laptop and turn his gaze out the window, eyes glazed and unfocused, mind racing as he practiced breathing calmly. The deep breathing excursuses were regularly reenforced by Bruce who had begun couching him in meditation each morning before breakfast. The breathing helped and usually after an hour or so he was able to turn away from the window and would then be engaged by Steve or Sam in some activity such as eating, watching a movie or nature documentary or sometimes he would simply get up and wander around the tower, watching the others silently, observing their activities and conversations. It was slightly unnerving at first to look up and suddenly see the silent Soldier standing in a corner or crouched nearby. Often times they would not realize he was there until after he had already entered and taken up observation. 

The first time it happened to Stark, the mecanic had been working on something in his lab, music blaring. He took off his googles and looked up to see the Winter Soldier standing only three feet away staring at him with a blank expression, gaze locked. The mechanical engineer had jumped back with a yell and fell into his robot DUM-E who quickly sounded an alarm that triggered a sprinkler system. That in turn caused the Soldier to react with fear and a protective instinct that was beginning to form toward his new strike team. He threw himself forward, on top of Stark to protect him from the water, effectively pinning him on the ground. The seen was shortly discovered by the other residents who had been alerted by Jarvis. While it had been quite comical and received more then slight laughter from the other’s, Tony had been less then thrilled. Once The Soldier had been pulled off of him and Jarvis had stopped the sprinkler, Tony had grumbled in mild frustration, cursing as he glared at the others. His obvious displeasure brought the Soldier to his knees with his hands behind his head awaiting punishment. The submission cut the laughter short, as Stark reassured the Soldier that everything was okay, crouching down to eye level and speaking calmly. From that day forth Tony mandated that Jarvis announce to the occupants of the Tower aloud when ever the Soldier was on the move.

At least once a day sometimes more, when he was on the internet or when he was simply observing or engaging in a leisure activity, a memory would strike him with such force he would literarily crumple to the ground, grasping his head with an anguished cry, body convulsing. At those times, much to their dismay, all anyone could do was hover near by and wait for it to pass as he trembled and gasped for air between heart wrenching cries. If who ever was present, including Steve, tried to touch him he would instinctually fight back, striking out with force and violence. He was completely lost in his torrent of vicious memories, eyes that did not see, blinded in mind numbing pain and ears that could not hear over the pounding of his heart. The first few times they had tried to calm him, to reach out to him and bring him back. For that reason their wasn’t a person in the tower who didn’t have some kind of bruise, busted lip or black eye. No one had taken as much abuse from the traumatized Soldier as his self appointed Handler, who was always more concerned about Bucky’s inner pain then any of his own physical damage.

After the particularly bad memory episodes, the Soldier usually remained curled up until he came too, eyes frantic and breathing panicked. He would look around in confusion, sometimes asking where he was in Russian or else he would crawl away from who ever was near by and hide himself in the corner rocking as he mumbled gibberish. In this state he was not violent but cowering and frightened like a scared animal. Steve was always at his side by then, having been alerted by Jarvis and the others. Steve would crouch near by calling to him softly until he would eventually whimper and crawl toward his Handler, head hung and lips trembling as he mumbled ‘sorry’ through haggard breaths, collapsing against the man, eyes wet with flooded tears. Sometimes the memory made him sick and Steve would half carry him to the sink or a trash can and let him vomit, his body shaking. Afterwards he would be completely exhausted and would need assistance to walk, usually succumbing to unconsciousness in his bed room or on the couch in the common room. Steve would stay with him and Jarvis would play the soothing and familiar music.

All of the turmoil, the violet outbursts and pitiful retreats, the vacant silence and the gentle, shy inquisitive moments made up the Soldier's daily life at the tower and despite his personal disappointment at his lack of progress toward being more human, the other’s assured him that he was recovering fine and that he was brave for facing it. Their encouragement made him feel all the worse as he knew that in reality he was a coward, afraid to surrender control over his body to the consciousness of it’s rightful owner who at night reminded him of just how underserving of kindness and forgiveness he truly was. 

Most evenings there was a family dinner of take out or one of the Avenger’s would cook. Sometimes they would all be together and other times Stark or Bruce would be caught up in their labs asking for it to be brought down. Hawk Eye had left for a few days to take care of personal matters and Natasha had also been out some evenings doing what ever it was she did. Sam had gone back to DC over the weekend to officially put in for temporary leave that was granted once he explained that he was helping Captain America and the Avenger’s. Steve had been the one remaining constant in the Soldier's new life, never leaving his side for long and always some where nearby within the Tower, ready to help bring him back from a psychotic break or a soul shattering memory that left the Soldier feeling completely vulnerable and lost, uncertain of who he was and where he was but knowing he was safe in the familiar arms of his Handler.

It was over breakfast one day, veggie omelets and hash browns cooked by Steve, when the Soldier had jerked his head up suddenly after he had stopped eating and “zoned out” as Clint had put it, eyes wide as he looked at Natasha with a sharp intake of breath through his noise. The suddenness of his movement had startled the others who had all actually made it to the kitchen around the same time, some just waking up, others having not yet attempted sleep.

“I shot you.” His words were laced with a sense of deep remorse and anxiety as he looked at the Red haired woman who visibly stiffened slightly at his statement. She nodded slowly and stood up walking toward him. She paused a few feet away and lifted her shirt, reveling the ugly scar that decorated her midsection. The Soldier let out a shaking breath and reached forward with trembling fingers, as they ghosted over her scare, his eyes intensely focused. The others had stopped eating, waiting and watching the interaction in silence. Natasha too remained silent as she watched the Soldier’s expression change from shocked realization to dismay to regret. He looked up at her with eyes that begged forgiveness.

“I am sorry I shot you........ That was wrong and bad!” He sighed with a shake of his head and swallowed with a frown as he dropped his eyes. Natasha put down her shirt and with one delicate hand lifted his chin.

“Thank you for not finishing me off that day........ You shot me, but you chose not to terminate me.” Natasha explained softly and the Soldier nodded in agreement before he looked away with a pained expression gritting his teeth as his shaking hands came up to the sides of his head, a tell that more memory was about to flood his scared mind and those nearby had a feeling they knew what it was. The Soldier felt himself fall from the stool and hit the ground as images rushed forth. He remembered being beaten and punished for not terminating the Black Widow. He remembered his confusion and desperate pleas’ for explanation as he was repeatedly struck and electrocuted. He remembered Pierce’s eyes, cold with fury and he remembered the pain as it ripped through his body. He convulsed on the floor reliving the hell and when he finally opened his blurry, tear filled eyes he was across the room shaking with low whimpered cries trapped in his throat. Steve was there, arms open and eyes soft and kind and behind him was Natasha, kneeling with a compassionate look. He crawled toward Steve and remained on his knees, arms wrapped around himself as he looked up at his Handler.

“I....Must Terminate,.... The Black Widow?” He asked his Handler with a chocked sob of confusion. The statement instantly created tension as the others all sat up straight ,eyes locked on him. Steve remained where he was with a sad shake of his head. The Soldier looked at him and then at her with a shudder.

“She...... is a threat?” He asked again, unsure what to believe at the moment or how to react to her presence.

“Only to Hydra,....... are you still with Hydra?” Steve asked to help bring his friend back to his current reality. After a long thoughtful moment the Soldier shook his head and looked back at The Widow then at Steve.

“I am with the Avenger’s...... The Black Widow is a friend...... I must protect and defend the Avenger’s from Hydra...... Hydra is Bad!” The Soldier expressed with a trembling sigh. Steve smiled at him and the other’s seemed to relax. It was a recent sentiment that the Soldier had been expressing, this need or desire to ‘protect’ and ‘defend’ the Avenger’s from Hydra. Sam had explained that it was likely that the Soldier was feeling protected by the Avenger’s from his fear of returning to Hydra and so to deal with his discomfort in vulnerability, he mirrored the feeling by viewing himself as a protector, wishing to keep them safe as a way to keep him self feeling safe. The psycho analysis made sense and the Avenger’s all excepted his want to protect them and his constant apology as part of the course, a day not passing with out some traumatizing memory ripping through his skull and leaving him cold and shaking on the floor.

............................................................................................................................................

A few days later the Soldier was in the kitchen with Steve watching him make club sandwiches for lunch. Sam was in the living room on his computer, the news on the T.V. The two Super Soldiers turned toward the door way as Natasha and Clint entered the room in the midst of some humorist dispute, each carrying bags of grocery’s. Steve smiled at them as they set them down on the counter and continued the snarky banter as they put away the food. Natasha interrupted Barton as she turned toward the Soldier with a light smile and held up a half gallon of Ice cream.

“Good news Bucky,....... Bruce says your ready for Ice Cream!” She used one hand to stroke his face as he examined the container with his eyes and then touched it.

“It’s....cold.” He observed simply and she nodded. The Soldier did not like the cold, but perhaps this would be an exception.

“The Bad news is she picked the wrong flavor,....... Mint Chocolate Chip is nothing when you compare it to Banana, Chocolate, Caramel swirl! It’s like a Banana Split all in one!” Clint sighed as he shook his head at her, taking the Ice cream and setting it in the freezer.

“Ice cream with artificial fruit flavor is an abomination!” Natasha fired back. Her comment received a low mumble from Hawk Eye who turned away and headed toward the living room. Despite it’s low volume, what ever he said received a reaction from the Black Widow who instantly flipped over the table top and landed on his back, the force causing him to fall forward. The Soldier stiffened looking at the two combatants with alarm. Steve took notice and rest a hand on his shoulder.

“They’re fine Buck,...... Just goofing around!” Steve rubbed his back with a chuckle as Clint twisted out of her grip. As She stood he suddenly lunged forward taking her off her feet and in one fluid motion threw her over his shoulder as she let out a surprised yelp. The Soldier’s body further tensed, jaw clenched and fists locked. Clint through Natasha onto the couch and jumped on top of her attempting to pin her down with one hand and tickle her ribs with the other.  
“Sam,.... Garb her arms!!!!” Client panted as she struggled and laughed. Sam moved his computer out of danger and shook his head with a grin, unsure if he was ready to receive her wrath. Steve was laughing from the Kitchen and did not realize that the Soldier’s face had gone pale, his body trembling.

“Stop!” The Soldier’s voice was small and shaky. Steve turned toward him and his smile dropped when he took in his friend’s wide, panicked expression. Before he could speak The Soldier shouted loudly with a cry. “STOP!”

The others froze instantly and the Soldier’s hands flew to his head as his knees buckled and his eyes squeezed tight. He was on the Kitchen floor rocking as a memory tore through his mind and with it the ugly, nauseating cramps and the throbbing head ache. Steve had backed away as was the routine, sighing as he wiped his face. The others slowly got up off the couch and walked over toward Steve as they watched with sympathy as the Soldier shook with whimper’s on the floor. It lasted only a few minutes and when he finally sat up, dazed and confused, he looked over toward the Avenger’s with deep sadness and remorse. Steve knelt down and rubbed his back.

“You okay Bucky?...... You know where you are?” He received a simple nod from the Ex-assassin who wiped his wet eyes and slowly rose to his feet. He took a steady breath then looked at the other three observers who offered gentle, understanding expressions.

“What did you remember Bucky?” Sam asked as he took a seat on a stool. They didn’t always ask him, and sometimes he couldn’t say, his words chocked with grief and unspoken horror. Other times he began recounting the memory rapidly, fragmented pieces of thought and feelings mixed together, painting a picture of something painful and horrible. The Soldier frown as he set his palms on the counter to steady him self and closed his eyes as the images replayed in his head. His voice was shaking and the words tumbled out with choked emotion, raw and fragile.

“Mission complete........ South Africa........ Strike Team........ infiltrated Civilian House,.....wait for extraction...... Kill family........Adolescent female...... hiding........ found her....... she cried.......They laughed,....... tore her cloths off....... threw her on the ground...... she fought....... ordered to hold her arms down......” His voice began to whimper, fresh tears rolling down his face as his breathing escalated and his words became hushed whispers. “ They were on top of her,........inside of her....... hurting her...... she begged them to stop.......They all hurt her....... she stopped crying,...... eyes....stared up at me” His voice choked and he turned to look at Steve.” Empty eyes.......ordered to kill her....... burn her body in ditch with family.......” He looked mournfully at Steve with a shaking breath, eyes vibrant with confusion and pain. “Why did they do that?......... She was not a threat to Hydra?.......I do not comprehend.....” His voice chocked again and he looked down at the ground as his shoulders trembled and he began to cry. Steve stepped forward and wrapped his friend in a hug, holding him steady as he shook, his body tensed at the contact. Natasha’s jaw clenched, her eyes bright with her own emotional turmoil and Clint rest a hand on her back with a sigh. Sam rubbed his face as he shook his head. After a few moments The Soldier stepped back, eyes still wet as he sighed with a pained look.

“Feel sick........ not hungry...... want to lay down.” He said quietly, his eyes cast off to the side. He was confused by his own emotional response to the memory as well as how and why the Hydra Strike team chose to harm the girl before killing her. Even at the time he remembered feeling sick to his stomach as the men grunted and cheered each other on while the small girl cried and pleaded, her eyes meeting his with desperate despair and pain. He wanted to kill her the whole time, wanted to end her crying and those eyes that seemed to burn into him, his chest feeling crushed. However as the ordeal stretched on, each man taking their turn, her eyes became vacant and their stare took on the look of a corpses and for some reason he felt even worse.

“Okay Bucky....... want me to go with you?” Steve asked gently and the Soldier shook his head as he stumbled away, his eyes on the floor. They watched him as he excited the room with heavy hearts. As he made his way to the elevators he did not look up when it opened and Stark and Banner jumped at the sight of the shaking man, head down, hair covering his dark expression.

“Hey pal...... You okay?” Stark asked as he reached forward to rest a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. The Soldier flinched and backed away, not raising his eyes.

“No touch...... Please?” His voice was a mixture of a warning and a plead, broken and trembled. Stark looked at Banner and they both looked down the hall where Steve had stood in the common room door way offering a steady nod of acknowledgment that he knew what was going on. Tony and Bruce both stepped to the side and the Solider slunk past them into the elevator, back to them as he leaned his face against the corner.

“Jarivs........ room........ Please?” The Soldier's graveled voice requested as he wrapped his arms around himself and shook, the doors closing. The two men watched with concern as the elevator closed and then turned toward the common room. once they entered, they took in the solum scene. Steve was hunched over leaning on the counter with his head down, face in a grimace and fists clenched. Natasha was somewhat despondent, sitting on a stool as her glazed eyes stared down at her hands. Clint was behind her with his hands on her shoulders, face twitching with a dull anger and Sam looked up at them with a sigh.

“What the hell happened?” Stark questioned, aware that it must have been a memory but taken aback by the dramatic effect it had on all who witnessed it’s recovery. Bruce sighed as he took a seat, eyes patient and arms crossed.

“He was ordered to restrain the arms of young girl in South Africa while a Hydra Strike Team took turns raping her after killing her family....... They had him kill her after...... and burn the bodies in a ditch.” Natasha spoke with a quivered sigh, her face blank, eyes glassy.

“Jesus.........” Bruce sighed as he breathed calmly. The other’s remained in silence and Tony sank onto a stool feeling heavy. Steve stood up strait with a deep sigh as he shook his head and walked over toward the window looking out over New York.

“I don’t think he even understands what they were doing to her but it still made him feel sick!” Clint sighed. Sam nodded and Natasha swallowed down her emotions, battling with her own nauseous discomfort and traumatic memories of a particularly sadistic KGB trainer from another life.

“How is he ever going to get better, when the only memories he has are so...... awful!” Steve sighed with a broken whisper, head hung.

“He’ll get through it Cap,...... he’ll have you and us to help him get back to who he was before all this shit,...... he just has to get through the storm first.” Sam sighed as he walked over toward Steve and rest a hand on his shoulder. The room was again silent before Steve spoke with a horse command, still facing out the window.

“Jarvis...... What is Bucky doing right now?” 

Sergeant Barns has just stopped vomiting sir. He appears to be running the bathtub. He is currently crying.


	20. Babel

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Babel"

'Cause I know that time has numbered my days  
And I'll go along with everything you say  
But I'll ride home laughing, look at me now  
The walls of my town, they come crumbling down

And my ears hear the call of my unborn sons  
And I know their choices color all I've done  
But I'll explain it all to the watchman's son,  
I ain't ever lived a year better spent in love

'Cause I'll know my weakness, know my voice  
And I'll believe in grace and choice  
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,  
But I'll be born without a mask

Like the city that nurtured my greed and my pride,  
I stretched my arms into the sky  
I cry Babel! Babel! Look at me now  
Then the walls of my town, they come crumbling down

You ask where will we stand in the winds that will howl,  
As all we see will slip into the cloud  
So come down from your mountain and stand where we've been,  
You know our breath is weak and our body thin

Press my nose up, to the glass around your heart  
I should've known I was weaker from the start,  
You'll build your walls and I will play my bloody part  
To tear, tear them down,  
Well I'm gonna tear, tear them down

'Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,  
And I'll believe in grace and choice  
And I know perhaps my heart is farce,  
But I'll be born without a mask

 

He was on his knees, hands locked behind his head, eyes staring straight forward as he awaited punishment. He could hear Russian words spoken around him but could not identify the voices or even what was being said. His stomach felt nauseous and he swallowed as the anticipation of pain creeped up his spine. His body tensed as he braced himself at the crack of a whip. The first lash came soon after then another and another, his body remained motionless as his mind screamed in pain. His back felt like fire and he fought to remain in control, bitting down on his lip so hard it bleed. The lashes were relentless, and the man in charge of his punishment was grunting with cruel pleasure, the sound not different from those of the strike team who had dominated the South African girl. He could hear the sadistic laughter around him as his blood flowed down his shredded back and pooled around his knees.

He was shaking hard as he struggled to remain in First position, the pain overwhelming. Just as he thought he would be unable to comply with his order to remain still, a figure appeared out of nowhere, materializing in front of the kneeling Soldier. He recognized the man as James Buchanan Barnes, dressed in dingy clothes. He wore a haggard expression, looking pale and exhausted but with a sense of purpose and conviction in his stare. He had a pistol in his hand and he looked at the Soldier with a mixture of emotion. The whip did not stop, the punishment continued as the Soldier looked up at Barnes with pleading eyes.

“You can end this!........You can make it stop right now!” Branes addressed the kneeling Asset with a voice that bit back resentment and contempt.

“How?” The Weapon asked with a trembling whimper as the whip connected once more with his battered flesh. James Barnes took a few steps forward and pressed the barrel of the gun to the Soldier’s forehead.

“Just say the word........ I will end your suffering,..... I can make this all go away.......... No More Pain!” Barnes’ voice held a mixture of sympathy and frustration. The whip sliced through the air and the Soldier let out an anguished cry as his wide eyes looked up at James pleading.

“I..... want to live......Please?” The Soldier begged with a desperate cry as he shook violently. Barnes’ expression hardened as his jaw locked and his eyes bore into the Soldier’s. Suddenly he raised the gun and fired it at the Russian voices and the man with the whip, silencing the grunting and laughter. James Barne’s let out a frustrated sigh as the Soldier collapsed forward onto his hands as he began to sob. Barne’s knelt down before the Soldier and lifted his chin softly, their eyes meeting. 

For the first time the Soldier did not see hostility or anger in the man’s eyes, but instead compassion and understanding.

“I know you want to live,......You have been through so much pain,.......deprived of everything that makes a man human,......I know you did not choose to be their weapon,...... but the simple fact is you can not be a person,..... you will never be free of what Hydra has made you....... You might not have been the one to imprison me but you are keeping me locked up now........ I have been kept silent for so long,.... forced to watch you kill and torture and destroy the world I fought so hard to protect. I can’t let you continue to live in my place. I need to take back my body....... I need to wake up......... Steve needs me to..... Don’t you understand that?” Barne’s sighed with frustration as he stroked the Assets hair with tenderness, eyes communicating his sincerity. The Soldier let out another cry as he shook his head, eyes begging.

“Please,....... Please........ Want to live......Want to be person.......Please!” The Soldier trembled with sorrow and James's hand dropped, his eyes taking on a hard stare as he shook his head.

“I am taking back whats mine!....... I will keep it safe and locked away with me,....... The small moments I have let you see,..... the memories I have shared while you sleep,...... They are mine...... All you have is the pain of Hydra,...... their language, their orders, their training,..... Soon you will realize that you are nothing more then an empty hollow shell that can not learn to be human.” James spoke with a resigned sigh as he shook his head again and stood. “When you are ready to let me out,..... give me back my life,..... you know where I’ll be......... Do the right thing for once in your miserable existence Soldier!” His tone was not mean but exhausted with frustration and resentment. Barnes turned away and was gone, the Soldier was left sobbing in his puddle of blood.

........................................................................................................................  
The Winter Soldier woke up not screaming or thrashing violently but with a soft trembling whimper and a muffled sob. He was quiet as he shook on his mattress in the middle of the floor, curled up into a tight ball. Steve had placed him there hours earlier after removing him from the Bathtub and helping him dress. The Soldier had been despondent and lethargic and so Steve had carefully guided the Soldier’s movements, half carrying him into the room before tucking him into bed. He had sat down next to the mattress on the floor, stroking the Soldier’s wet locks out of his vacant stair, eyes unfocused and lost. The Soldier had not responded when Steve’s heart broken voice called out his friend’s name. He did not look up when Steve finally sighed in resignation and left him there.  
With another pitiful sob the Soldier lifted himself from the mattress and stumbled on shaky legs toward the bathroom. He passed the balcony doors where Steve was sitting quietly, with a set of water colors painting the sun set. Sam was sitting on the other chair drinking a beer and there was a speaker on the table playing softly. 

The Soldier watched Steve paint silently, focusing on the colors and then looked at the sun set. With a great pain in his chest he heaved another sob, his body shaking harder as he realized with despair that he still did not recognize the sun set as anything other then a part of the daily cycle. He did not see it’s beauty, nor did he take pleasure in the sound of the music. He only appreciated the physical sensations of taste, smell and touch. That was all he could understand, all he could relate too and the realization drove home Barne’s message during the painful dream. He could not be a person. He could only mimic it, pretend to embrace the pleasures of the human experience but in reality he was simply a thinking, feeling vessel, empty of the crucial elements that made a person human.

He felt him self shiver with the understanding of this void, this emptiness that would never be filled over time, no matter how many movies he watched, or music he listened to, food he ate. He was like a robot trying to make sense of the human experience and it left him trembling with despair. He stumbled forward and onto the balcony with silent tears poring down his eyes as he collapsed on his knees next to Steve’s chair, taking both of the other men by surprise. He wrapped his arms around himself and buried his face on Steve’s right thigh as he silently sobbed.

“It’s okay Buck,......... I’ve got you pal......I’ve got you!” Steve’s voice was chocked with his own emotion and he gently stroked the back of Bucky’s head with his right hand, his left holding onto the canvas and the paint brush. Steve looked up at Sam with a sad sigh and Sam returned the expression with a solumn nod of understanding. Sam leaned forward and rubbed Bucky’s back up and down with a heartfelt sigh of his own.

“It wont always be this bad Bucky.........I know it still hurts right now,...... these new emotions,...... this new understanding of what it’s like to feel and think,...... recognizing pain and suffering,.......the cruelty of others, but...... their will be other experiences that will fill you with light and joy.” Sam tried to console him and the Soldier shook even harder, a chocked sound of despair ripping through his throat at the knowledge that Sam did not understand, none of them did,...... He had no chance for light, for joy. There would never be happiness, just relief, contentment at not being punished and the sensation of loyalty and devotion. Even the act of choosing brought not pleasure, just acceptance. 

Sam sighed again and sat back and Steve continued to stoke his hair with gentle reassurances. Both men feeling at a loss for how to help relieve the Soldier of his deep pain and suffering. After a while The Soldier’s sobs stilled and his breathing returned to a calm level. He shifted back with a grimace as his numb legs twitched with the sensation of pins and needles. Steve noticed the movement and set his canvas and brush aside, standing up as he and Sam both helped the Soldier to his feet, the obvious discomfort limiting the function of his legs. They helped he settle into the chair Sam had just been sitting in and he swallowed as he wiped the wetness from his puffy eyes and cheeks with a quivered sigh. it was dusk and the night was soon descending, a chill in the air causing him to shiver slightly.  
“Are you cold Bucky?” Steve asked gently as he crouched down to be at eye level. The Soldier nodded as a response. Steve smiled softly and went inside to grab a warm blanket.

“How about some food man,..... you haven’t eaten anything since breakfast!” Sam suggested as he rest a hand on the quit man’s shoulder. Bucky nodded again, his head still down, eyes unable to meet Sam’s.

“Okay,.... here ya go Bucky.” Steve smiled as he wrapped a large, warm comforter around his friend who looked up with an expression of thanks. The Soldier opened his mouth to speak, wanting to express himself with words but his mind froze and his expression changed to confusion as he realized he could not recall the words in English. He looked down with sudden distracted thought as he shut his moth and tried to think of English words. He understood the English they spoke and yet could not bring the language to his voice. Sam and Steve watched his expression of frustration in the dimming light and Sam sighed.

“I am gonna go grab him some of that chicken soup Natasha made yesterday. Warm him right up...... Maybe even bring a smile to his face!” Sam chuckled as he pat Bucky on the shoulder and headed through the doors back into the tower. Steve pulled up his chair to face Bucky who was still looking off to the side opening and closing his moth with frustrated grunts.

“Whats up Buck,....... what are you thinking?” Steve asked softly. Bucky looked up at him and spoke in Russian, his voice low and mumbled.

“I have forgotten my English!” The Soldier sighed helplessly. Then suddenly he looked up in a shocked realization, his eyes wide and face pale.

“Buck?..... What is it?” Steve asked with an urgent tone.

“He took away my English......It was his......He took it away!” The Soldier shuddered with a trembling voice. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the fragmented memories that had been Barnes's, the dreams that held fragments of a past he never lived, that had not belonged to the Winter Soldier but the man before. With an anguished grunt and a shake of his head, he opened his eyes and looked at Steve with a sad, disappointed gaze. Now all he had was his memories as the Winter Soldier, nothing more nothing less. He slumped in the chair, and pouted with a frown.   
Steve sighed again as he looked at Bucky with a helpless feeling gnawing at his heart. He squeezed his friends shoulder and used the other hand to lift his face.

“What ever your dealing with Buck,..... What ever your going through right now or in the future,..... We will face it together!..... Your not alone pal!...... I got you!....... Till The end of the line!” Steve searched his friend’s face and swallowed down his disappointment when the words that had triggered memory from the Winter Solider on the helicarrier did not register with him now. There was no familiarity, no recognition, Just a solum nod of acknowledgment and an expression that looked beaten and broken and utterly hopeless. The Soldier leaned forward and rest his head on his Handler’s chest and tried to take solace it the comfort and the feeling of safety instead of morning his inability to be human. Steve held his friend and for not the first time since they were reunited he felt a pang of dread that perhaps, he would never truly get Bucky back, and he would be left with this poor, lost Soldier who only remembered a life of death and pain. The reality weighed heavy on the Captain and he gripped his friend tight, silently praying that he would remember his true self and become James Buchanan Barnes once more.


	21. War Pigs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Ok, now I am gonna be doing some action scenes for a few chapters, hopefully there is enough description to paint the picture but also keep the story moving. Thank you every one who has been reviewing and please keep the thoughts coming! They make me smile and motivate me to write more!!!!

BLACK SABBATH LYRICS

"War Pigs"

Generals gathered in their masses,  
just like witches at black masses.  
Evil minds that plot destruction,  
sorcerers of death's construction.  
In the fields the bodies burning,  
as the war machine keeps turning.  
Death and hatred to mankind,  
poisoning their brainwashed minds...Oh lord yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away  
They only started the war  
Why should they go out to fight?  
They leave that role to the poor

Time will tell on their power minds  
Making war just for fun  
Treating people just like pawns in chess  
Wait `till their judgement day comes, yeah!

Now in darkness, world stops turning,  
as you hear the bodies burning.  
No more war pigs of the power,  
hand of god has struck the hour.  
Day of judgement, god is calling,  
on their knees the war pigs crawling.  
Begging mercy for their sins,  
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings...Oh lord, yeah!

CH 21.

One month to the day that The Soldier had first arrived at the Tower, The Avenger’s through their resident sulking Super Soldier a party. Stark had insisted and was seconded by Barton and Natasha. It was to be a celebration of his freedom from Hydra. Despite his slow progression away from being a vacant minded tool, waiting for directions, the more he remembered, his conditioning cracking and eroding away, the more depressed and withdrawn he had become. His inability to communicate in English had at first frustrated him until he eventually had become resigned and had mostly stopped trying to communicate except when prompted. Steve had consulted with the others with deep concern that the Soldier was lying listless in bed for hours after waking and had to be reminded to eat and bath as he had stopped expressing interest in either enjoyable activity. His nightmares were still constant and ever present as were the flash backs, but he had stopped seeking comfort from Steve and simply turned away, unresponsive, blinking away his tears quietly.

Sam reminded Steve that this recovery was going to be a long process and the more he remembered from his past missions and the greater his understanding of his feelings and morals as a person grew, the cognitive dissidence was going to take a heavy emotional tole on the man who once fought against everything he had been programmed to do for over a life time. Stark had urged Steve to have a celebration in the Soldier’s honor recognizing his decision to leave Hydra and a reminder of his courage. Sam and Bruce had not seen any reason not too and so that morning after the Soldier’s daily meditation practice, he was lead into the common area by Banner, where Steve and the others awaited.   
The Soldier’s eyes grew in surprise and then narrowed in confusion as he glanced around the room at the party decorations, steamers and balloons and a large sign that read in both English and Russian, “Congratulations Bucky, One Month More Human!” The Sign was Tony’s brain child and the others had all rolled their eyes but did not stop him from hanging it. The Soldier’s eyes looked at the other Avengers who stood watching his reaction with smiles and nods then he looked at Steve who shrugged with a sheepish smile. Captain America took a few steps forward and opened his arms for a hug. The Soldier's face remained confused but he obeyed the non verbal directive and engaged his Handler in a stiff hug before being lead to the kitchen table where a feast of pancakes, bacon and eggs was spread out. 

As Steve indicated for the Soldier to sit, he slowly lowed into a chair and stared with curiosity at the stack of chocolate chip and banana pancakes in front of him that had a whipped cream smiley face courtesy of Natasha. The Soldier examined the smiley face then looked up at the smiles around him then back down. He swallowed hard and looked up again at Steve and forced his face muscles to mimic the expression. He had learned by now that when he smiled it made Steve and the others relax and when he did not they were more likely to watch him with concerned, troubled expressions. The smile was far from natural and did not reach his eyes but the effort was appreciated and he received a pat on his back as they all took seats. 

The Soldier made eye contact with his Handler as he quietly listened to Steve explain how proud they all were and how far he had come. He nodded and listened as each person expressed their own words of encouragement, repeating the praise and commending his bravery and courage. Words of empathy, explanations of some of their own struggles and how well they thought he was doing floated past him as beneath the table his fists clenched. The Soldier nodded and repeated the tight lipped smile, all the while swallowing down the crushing anguish and despair that had been suffocating his every breath since he had come to the painful realization that he would never truly be a person. He was only a flesh and bone weapon that had awakened from a deep drug induced stupor that had kept him numb and complacent. His new found clarity and the sharp cutting sensations of emotion left him longing with a hunger to know what the human experience really was when all he could really do was pretend.

Their words were drowned out by the banging in his head that echoed the beating of his heart. James Buchanan Barnes was once more shouting, and the building pressure in his temples was blurring his vision. Finally he could not take the blinding pressure and roaring of Barnes’ cries. The Soldier brought his hands up covering his face as his body trembled. He felt Steve’s presence next to him then, rubbing his back and he knew that once again he had failed. With Steve’s help he was guided on shaky legs, eyes squeezed tight and hands gripping his hair, back to his room where he remained the rest of the day.  
........................................................................................................................

Almost a week past and Steve had grown increasingly concerned with his friends nearly comatose behavior and his lack of desire to interact with the others. He sat with everyone at a conference table that evening after The Soldier had drifted to sleep on the couch in the common room. The Captain listened half heartedly as his friends made suggestions and brainstormed what could be done to help the despondent and increasingly depressed ex-assassin. Steve’s own thoughts were disrupted as a sudden beeping sound interrupted the conversation. He looked up as Jarvis’s message relayed.

Sir, there is a distress call coming from an unsecured line originating in the Ukraine. It is a video message sent through a scrambled transmitter designed to mask location of origin. Shell I display the call.  
“Yes,.... make sure to record it and scan for any potential virus while running a mapping grid so we know the exact coordinates!” Tony answered as the assembled Avengers sat up and the screen flicked to life, an image came through, distorted and shaking. A wide eyed girl appeared, dirt smeared on her face and brown hair sticking out from under a hood. There was the sound of shouting and distant explosions and she was panting and out of breath.

“Hello,...... Please........ Captain America?........... Are you see me?” The girl whispered in broken English heavily accented.

“Yes,..... We see you!......Who are you?.......Are you in distress?” Steve answered and almost immediately Stark through his hands in the air with an expression that was incredulous.

“Really?...... Ya think?......Sure thats just fireworks!” Tony rolled his eyes and Steve glared at him briefly as the others shrugged in agreement of the obvious.

“Yes........ Please!......... We need you help us Please!....... Hydra attack.......... we our resistance..........сопротивление.........we fight.....” A large explosion shook the ground and the girl and camera flew. The Avenger’s sat forward with intensity. The sound of people screaming was heard and there was smoke and debris. The Camera was grasped again and the girl’s face came back in view, blood staining her face, a deep gash above her eye brow. Her eyes were wet with tears. “Help please....... You help!” She cried as suddenly a figure dressed in black appeared and grabbed her, wrapping a wire around her throat as the camera fell and the transmission died. Instantly everyone was on their feet Steve ordering them to be dressed and at the hanger. Stark was shouting at Jarvis to prep the jet and get his suite ready. Natasha stood slowly with a perplexed look as the men reacted with urgency.

“What if it’s a trap?” Natasha’s voice was loud and clear to summon their attention before they could leave the room. Each man paused and looked up.

“A Trap?” Sam asked first with a question. Natasha nodded and looked at Steve.

“What if Hydra is trying to bring you to them?” She asked with a serious look that spoke directly from her intuition and instinct. She did not trust the distress call or the innocent girl but then again, she was the skeptical type.  
“Well then we better be prepared. Wether Hydra is calling us out or not, lives are at stake and we have to answer that call for help!...... Hydra has caused enough suffering!” The Captain spoke with unwavering conviction, ready as always to lead the charge and save the day.   
“Who will stay with Bucky?” Banner asked as he looked around knowing that this battle was one the Hulk would be useful in. Steve wiped his face and then the back of his neck. He knew he should be the one to stay but at the same time he knew he could not.  
“I will stay with him.” Natasha offered still feeling wary of the circumstances surrounding the distress call.

“You sure Nat?..... We could probably use your Russian.” Barton questioned, curious about her motivation. She simply nodded once, her eyes giving Barton a careful look before she turned back toward the others.

“We can’t leave him alone,....... I will stay..... He’ll be safe!” She reassured and Steve nodded and fixed the others with a short nod.  
“Lets move!” The Captain spoke.  
“Avenger’s Assemble!” Tony clapped and it was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes, receiving a smirk from the others. As Ironman, Captain America and the soon to be Hulk excited the room Clint lingered behind and so did Sam.

“Natasha,..... You sure about this?...... I can stay behind,.... you’d probably be more help out their then I would on this mission!” Sam suggests and she looked at him with caution then to Barton who was studying her.

“I don’t think this attack from Hydra is random and I don’t know where the girl got this number to reach out but something is off about it.” She mused with eyes deep in thought. She looked up at Sam and then to Clint.

“The Hulk doesn't think, he smashes, Stark doesn't plan ahead he just reacts and works off impulse and Steve is always so damn focused on saving the day he barely knows how to cover his back!..... You two keep your eyes open and hang back, shoot from a distance incase I’m right!” She spoke with a calm and desecrate tone that was punctuated with an intense and poignant stare, receiving nods from both men.

“Lets hope your not!” Sam sighed as he turned toward the door with Clint behind him.

“Too bad she almost always is!!!” Clint sighed with a mumbled curse as he followed, heading to suite up. Natasha watched them exit then sat down with a contemplative sigh.

“Jarvis replay the distress call from the begging and pause as directed.” The Black Window leaned forward and examined the footage with a nagging feeling that something was out of synch. 

........................................................................................................................

Once The plan was off headed for some small isolated mountain town in the Ukraine, The Widow continued to watch the replay and attempt to match the girls face with S.H.I.E.L.D Intel as she used her skills as usual to hack the system. She sighed when after an hour or so there was no match and Jarvis spoke to her with his update on the ware abouts of the Winter Soldier.  
Agent Romanoff, Sergeant Barnes is standing in the middle of the common area. He has just awoken from another nightmare.

Natasha moved with calm urgency toward the common room and slowed her pace as she came to the door way leaning against the frame casually. He was standing in the middle of the room with his head down and fists clenched breathing heavily, muscles strained. His dark hair curating his expression, his body facing the windows. After a moment he lifted his head and slowly turned to face her, a deep frown covering his lips and troubled eyes.

“What did you dream of?” Natasha spoke in a calm and soothing voice, her Russian just as fluent as her English. He looked up at her momentarily then away and shook his head as he unclenched his fists and rubbed his temples. The Soldier had awoken after a nightmare coated in blood and violence and pain that ended as they always did with him face to face with James Barnes who either spoke to him with sympathy and understanding or with hatred and rage. However he was greeted by Barnes, the message was always the same. Let Me Live! Each time he awoke with the taste of blood in his mouth, the smell of sweat and vomit and smoke and a ringing in his hears that slowly dimmed as he pushed James back down and embraced his own tortured consciousness and the steadily increasing agony of yearning to be human.

The Soldier looked up again as Natasha crossed the room and rest a hand softly on his face.

“The more pain you keep inside the more you bleed...... How can you heal if you swallow down all the knifes that cut you?” Her voice was soft and empathetic and it sounded strange to his ears as Russian had always been spoken to him with harsh, angry commands and threats. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch as a small sound chocked from his throat. With a patient sigh Natasha took his hand and lead him to the kitchen, instructing him to sit as she warmed up the left over dinner he had not eaten.

........................................................................................................................

The plane had landed and Steve had constructed a basic strategic framework that involved Ironman and The Falcon sweeping the parameter of the ruined town while Banner, Hawk Eye and him self went in on the ground level. As they excited the plane Sam looked at Barton with a nod of silent confirmation that Natasha’s warning was still on his mind. The Avengers moved toward the central location that Ironman’s scanners confirmed contained almost a hundred individual heat signals that appeared to be hostages corralled into the center of town. With stealth precision and efficiency, the men closed in on the location while near by Tony was sent to create a distraction by blowing up some abandoned ruins on the other side of town a few miles away. 

“Alright we have a visual on the Hostages,...........Status report?” Captain America whisper into his ear com as his back was pressed against a brick wall.

“I am about 45 degrees to your left Cap, ready to let the other guy take care of that tank positioned at the Hostages.” Banner’s voice crackled over the static.

“Hawk Eye above on the fifth floor last window of the Apartment building directly across from Hulk. Took out three snipers on my way up here, can see about a dozen more perched around the Hostage camp at different heights....... Shouldn’t be a problem.” Barton’s tone was casual as if he was describing a simple chore he had to do.

“Cap, I got your back.......Right above you and ready to fly on your count.” Sam confirmed as he waited just out of view from the Hydra agents bellow that surrounded the Hostages on the ground.

“Ready to start blasting stuff when you say so Spangles then I’ll be right over to assist in the ass kicking part of this plan!” Ironman responded and he could hear the others chuckle.  
“Alright,........Ironman blow it up and then we make our move after a 10 count!” Steve ordered.   
“Aye, Aye Captain!” Stark answered and instantly a large explosion was heard that shook the ground as the light from flames and smoke covered the sky. The Hydra agents were yelling in Russian and several took off toward the explosion and right into the waiting arms of Ironman. Steve counted to ten and then tightened his fists.   
“Avengers, lets kick some ass!” Steve growled, letting his hatred for Hydra drive him as he darted out from his hiding spot and ran toward the nearest group of Hydra Soldiers, shield out and ready to release his frustration that had been growing steadily over the past weeks. Steve’s shield blocked the bullets that rain down on him as he threw him self into the thick of the fighting, fists colliding with flesh and bone. He could hear the Hulk even before he saw him flying at the Tank as he tore it apart and above him he heard the sail of arrows taking out Soldier’s that were advancing on his location from the shadows. The Falcon was swooping and diving, as he took out more advancing Hydra agents and soon Steve was out of bodies to punch, making his way toward the huddled Hostages.

“Falcon,..... Ironman I am sending the Hostages out the North side of the town, provide them cover!” Steve order as he began directing the frantic eyed citizens with a lousily Russian accent as he pointed toward the North. People began running, Women and Men carrying children and as they moved quickly. Steve looked over toward the Hulk who had just back handed about ten Agents into a nearby building when out of nowhere he saw the small brunette girl from the distress call running toward him. He turned and it took a moment for him to realize that she was no longer bleeding and hooded with desperate eyes but instead was dressed in black combat gear with a crazed smile on her face. He barely had time to react as she began throwing knifes at his face with deadly accuracy. He blocked them with his shield but had to sacrifice his ability to see her for the cover. He threw himself and The Shield toward her direction but she was not there. He looked up and around before another knife materialized from nowhere. It was only an inch from his eye when an arrow collided with the handle and the altered corse nocked the knife to the side as the blade grazed Steve’s cheek. 

The Captain jumped back with surprise as he touched the sharp cut and pulled his gloved hand back that was stained red with his blood. He looked up in alarm but again did not see the girl.

“Cap,....... to the right and up the stairs!” Hawk Eye’s voice spoke with urgency as Captain America looked up at him and then to where he was pointing as he saw the brief flash of the girl as she bolt past a second floor window in an abandon building. 

The Captain nodded and headed toward her direction as the last of the hostages fled the village just as yet another squadron of Hydra agents descended upon the town square where Ironman had joined the Hulk and Falcon in the fighting. Steve raced up the stairs of the shabby, abandoned building and felt his heart pound as Natasha’s warning came back into his mind. The girl he was chasing was the same one that had called them for help. The notion hit him just before he was literally knocked off his feet by what felt like a battering ram. The force of the strike sent him through the brick wall and out into the air free falling from a 3rd story. With a grunt of pain and a gasp of air Captain America’s body jolted as he was snatched up only feet from the hard pavement by the Falcon who carried him up to the top of the building setting him down as Steve collapsed on his knees with a groan and a shake of his head. 

“You okay Cap?” Sam demand as he watched Steve struggle to sit up right and breath. Hawk Eye landed on the roof a moment later after shooting an arrow that created a zip line he rode with his bow. He glanced with concern at Sam and then moved toward the Captain who was grasping his chest in pain.

“What the hell hit you?” Hawk Eye asked with confusion. Steve gasped again and shook his head as he opened his mouth. Before he could answer however the building began to shake as explosions from within rang out with piercing echoes. The Falcon ran forward and grabbed each man by their arms as he flew into the air just as the roof collapsed. The added weight was difficult but with the adjustments and tune ups made by Stark before the last mission Sam was able to clear the smoke and debris and land some what gracefully on the ground by the other Avengers who had turned in surprise at the building’s collapse.

“What the.....” Stark began but stopped as what looked like a giant Robot suite, not unlike the one his ex- business partner Obadiah Stane had made, came into few from the debris. One of it’s fists was a giant hammer, the other, what looked like a an electric drill with sharp blades that whirled. Inside the suite was a man with a shaved head covered in wires that were implanted inside of his scarred skull. The wires seemed to connect directly from his brain and into the Robot’s command center. The man with in the machine had plugs in his eyes sockets that were also linked into the visual command of the suite and the sight was both disturbing and frightening. The gathered Avengers stood posted defensively around the Captain who struggled to his feet as his rib cage protested his wheezing breaths. They watched with uncertainty as the Man powered machine came to a stop in front of them and from behind it the small brunette girl casually slinked around it and into view. She smiled again with wild and unstable eyes as her gaze darted around the assembled team. She frown suddenly with a huff and stomped her foot like a spoiled child as she crossed her arms.

“It’s not fair!!!!!....... They said she would be here too!...... They promised I would get to kill her!.........The Black Widow was suppose to be my reward for being such a good girl!...........I never get to have any fun!” She wined in her accented english, no longer broken. She held a remote control in her hand and glared up at the man fused robot with a huff and then back to the weary Avengers. Her expression changed dramatically into a girlish grin just as suddenly and she took a few steps forward. “Oh well,..... At least I get to play with my new favorite toy!....He’s just the prototype though.....Just wait until we get our Asset back!......Oh the Plans we have!!!!” She squealed like a child talking about a pony ride......”Daddy made this for me after you mean men stole my other toy!........” Her smile snapped again and the wild look came over her once more, a sick and twisted smile on her face. “It is not nice to steal other peoples play things!........ It was our perfect weapon,......our beautiful Soldier,........ The Fist of Hydra!...... But then the Americans say they want it,...... They say it is not safe in Mother Russia,.... that we are becoming a Third World!” Her tone was burning with anger and she spit in disgust as if the words tasted badly in her mouth. 

“The great Alexander Pierce!........ He borrowed our Soldier,...... we let him play with it and then look what happens!” She threw her hands in the air dramatically. “Hydra’s plan fails,.......... and you steal our weapon and try to break it!...... Try to ruin all of our hard work!” She was shouting now with rage and anger but her face broke into a sudden mad laugh. “You try to teach it to be a human!?....... Tell the Asset it can choose,...... It can learn to be a man!” She laughed even harder as if it was the funniest joke she had ever heard and Steve felt his fists clench and his jaw grind as Sam put a hand on his shoulder. The girl slowed her laughter as she wiped away her tears with a shake of her head and a sigh. She shifted her gaze from laughing to deadly serious as her body language changed again. “It will never be a man....... It will never be human...... It is our perfect weapon.......and now we will have it back!” Her tone went from razor sharp to almost a sing song cadence as she grinned once more.

The Avengers had listened to the mad girl ramble in silence but looked at one another with concern, The Hulk growled, eyes focused on the robot man as Captain America pushed past his comrades toward the girl.

“What do you mean,.....who...” Steve began to question when suddenly Stark spoke up.

“Uhhh,...... guys....... Jarvis just informed me that he is being remotely hacked and there are eight black vans and a helicopter headed toward the tower....... I think....they shut him down!” Ironman’s voice held a level of fear that was not often heard from the wise cracking billionaire. Steve turned with a panicked expression just as the girl darted forward with another knife prepared to plunge it into his back.  
“Look out!” Sam cried just in time for the Captain to raise his Shield and instantly the robot was active shooting lasers and swinging its hammer while the blades whirled. Chaos ensued and in the haze of fighting the Avengers realized they were once more surrounded by Hydra agents who advanced upon them, their battle far from over as on the other side of the world, their friends’ was just beginning.


	22. I Won't Back Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He Ya’ll!.... So this chapter is going to get a little dark. Mature themes are suggested and implied non-con but nothing graphic is described. Hope this chapter keeps you reading!!!

TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS LYRICS

"I Won't Back Down"

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down  
You could stand me up at the gates of hell  
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around  
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down  
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

[Chorus:]  
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out  
Hey I will stand my ground  
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life  
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around  
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out  
Hey I will stand my ground  
And I won't back down  
No, I won't back down 

Natasha Romanoff sat on the couch in the common room dressed in comfortable black yoga pants and a sky blue sports tank top, having just finished a light work out. She was cross legged with the Winter Soldier's head in her lap. The News was on the T.V and with one hand she gently stroked the sullen Soldier's hair while the other scrolled her iPad as she quietly hummed a Russian lullaby. The Man thought of as Bucky had remained still in her lap, eyes closed, arms crossed over his plane black T-Shirt and expression tight, even as he leaned into her soothing caress. They were calm, possibly even relaxed, when the alarm suddenly went off and Jarvis’ voice spoke with an urgent warning.

Agent Romanoff, I am being hacked remotely and the attack is a virus that will over ride the security system that guards this tower. There are eight black vans and a helicopter headed directly toward this location form multiple directions. I have informed Mr. Stark and I suggest ......you......take......percaution.......

Natasha and the Soldier were already on their feet as Jarvis’ automated voice powered down followed by the electricity, the alarm silenced. Natasha grabbed the Soldier's hand who looked alert and ridged, a silent dread fueling his panic but there was a determination there as well that gave her hope.

“Common,....... we need to arm our selves!” She spoke with authority in Russian and he nodded in confirmation of the plan as he followed her lead, sprinting through the hall and down the stairs until they reached her floor. They could hear the sound of a chopper circling the tower and could see search lights blast through the windows on her level, the pilot, no doubt tracking their heat signatures. Natasha round the corner and was suddenly tackled to the ground by the Soldier just as a machine gun spray of bullets decimated the wall where she had been.   
Natasha looked over her shoulder at the Soldier who’s face was locked in a focused glare, eyes intense and breathy heavy but even. He stood and pulled her up, running with her to his side, shielded by his body. The lights continued but it was obvious that their intent was not to kill the Soldier but to take him back alive. As they reached the Widow’s room they stayed low and she opened her closet grabbing every weapon she could find, tossing half to him. She did not need to speak or instruct him on what to do. He was in mission mode and armed himself with speed and efficiency, appearing more calm and in control of his emotions then he had since before arriving at the tower over a month ago. 

“Ready?” The Black Widow asked him with a steady breath, a gun in each hand, two more on each hip and a belt of knifes, grappling hooks and electrical short circuit darts. The Soldier nodded once, eyes narrow and jaw locked. Despite his lack of combat gear, wearing only soaks, mesh gym shorts and a plan t-Shirt, he still resembled his lethal persona as the Winter Soldier and Natasha secretly bit back her own slight intimidation. Together they headed out into the pitch black hall way as they moved in silence and listened to the sound of foot steps on the stair case and on the upper and lower levels. 

The first group they took by surprise, neutralizing the attack with lethal force. The Black Widow and the Soldier worked in silence, head nods and poignant looks communicating all they needed. Together they cleared her floor and worked their way up leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. Hand to hand combat was preferred to save the bullets but as they made their way up, the sheer number of Hydra agents was beginning to over whelm them and twice the Soldier blocked bullets with his metal arm that were meant for her. Natasha navigated the dark halls of the tower headed toward the inner stair case that was built in secret, leading strait to the garage. She knew that despite their fighting capability it was only a matter of time until they were over run.

Despite their careful and silent maneuvers, both assassin and agent were caught off guard as a large explosion blasted through the wall sending them both crashing to the ground as the floor gave way and they landed hard on the next level down, debris raining upon them. The Soldier threw himself over Natasha’s vulnerable body just as a large piece of concert fell on top of them, pinning them to the ground. The Soldier let out a pain filled grunt as he struggled to push himself up, gritting his teeth as his metal arm whirled. Natasha was beneath him, dazed and disoriented as her vision blurred, a bloody gash over her left eye and more blood pouring from a broken noise. She looked up and saw his face, the face that had once haunted her dreams. The Soldier was straining to lift himself despite the crushing pain from the large slab of concert. his face was a bloody mess as well and large slivers of wood and glass stuck out of his right arm and shoulder.

Just as he managed to roll the concert off of his back he suddenly gasped as tear gas filled the room and he covered his face with the shirt as he pulled her into him. With tremendous effort, The Soldier picked himself up and the Widow, running through the broken, debris covered hall with squinted eyes that blurred from the poisonous gas. She held her breath and kept her face buried in his chest as he ran and leapt over obstacles in his path. Just as he had made it out of the gas and into the stair case he heard the agents coming up the stairs and began running up. He bolted through the doors and into the hall turning again as more shooting and foot steps came , zeroing in on their location.   
He ran toward the window of the large conference room and had almost made up his mind to jump out holding on to the Widow and hoping his body could buffer the impact with the ground over 16 stories bellow when the chopper pulled into view, the bright lights blinding him. The Widow descended from his arms on unsteady feet as she pulled him down under the table. Franticly she grabbed her phone and texted 911 to Clint even through she knew Jarvis had alerted Stark. She looked up with her left eye, the right swollen shut, covered in blood and for the first time in over an hour of constant fighting she saw a look of fear take hold of the Soldier's expression. He reached up and held her face with a tender but trembling hand.

“You,..... go...... hide!.......They want their weapon,...... I will surrender.” His tone was haggard as he wheezed through painful breaths, his lips quivering but his voice was strong, Russian words spoken with conviction. Inside his head Barnes was screaming with fear and panic but did not protest. For once they were in agreement, the horror of recapture, terrifying beyond belief but the need to protect Natasha was stronger. She smiled at him softly and shook her head as she reached up and removed a piece of glass from his cheek.  
The doors to the conference room burst open and the Soldier flinched as he struggled to control his breathing. Natasha pulled him closer and turned her video feed on her phone, linking it up with the generator powered security cameras, recording what was to come and sending it strait to Stark.

........................................................................................................................

The battle in the small Ukrainian town had raged on with each Avenger taking on multiple Hydra agents as the Hulk fought the Robot Man with rage that could not be matched. It lasted for too long and Steve found himself fighting both physically with his combatants and emotionally with the rising surge of panic at the realization that the entire mission had been a diversion, a way to drawl out the Avengers and leave his best friend vulnerable. Steve’s chest ached as his multiple broken ribs screamed at him even as he fought twice as hard. When he finally got his hands on the lethal knife wielding girl, she simply laughed in his face as she spit her own blood at him.

“It is too late now!....... You have failed Captain America,......as if you and your Allies ever even had a chance!.......The Fist of Hydra shall be reborn a new and will help us unleash an entire army that shares his abilities.......And after we take his mind,..... we may leave you his broken body to bury!...... As a gesture of our appreciation!” The girl laughed again as Steve felt the overwhelming desire to crush her throat and watch her struggle against death. He grit his teeth and then slammed her head down against a rock below and stood after knocking her out with an anguished sigh.

The Captain looked up as he staggered on shaky legs. The other Avengers were gathering toward him, the Hulk bleeding, and badly cut from the blades of the Robot that now lay decimated in a scrap heap on the ground. He looked up as Hawk Eye ran toward them holding up his phone.

“Nat just texted 911!..... We gotta get back there!..... I called Fury he is sending the Europe team here!....Let him clean up this mess!” Barton exclaimed with wide eyes. The others nodded rapidly, Ironman grabbing the Captain, Falcon grabbing Hawk Eye and the Hulk leaping after them as they headed for the plane. Once there, Stark hurriedly injected the Hulk with a serum Bruce had created that instantly calmed the Hulk and with in minutes would return him to a normal, but unconscious man. As Sam and Barton carried Banner onto the plane and strapped him in. Iron man jumped in the front seat to man the no longer auto piloted plane. They were in the air in less then a minute, headed for New York with deep foreboding and anxiousness that muted their words.  
“Guys...... Natasha is sending me a live video feed!” Stark stated as he pushed some buttons and a screen lowed in the plane, displaying the imaged that Stark could see inside of his helmet even as he flew the aircraft. Steve collapsed into a chair as Sam and Clint watched wile using the first aid kit to bandage the Doctor’s chest that carried the wounds from the Hulk’s battle. They watched in silent and helpless fear as the video played from Natasha’s phone that she had somehow linked up to the security camera in the room that ran on a generator.

........................................................................................................................

Natasha gripped each gun in her hand tightly as she exhaled steadily. She only had one round left in each gun, the others spent and then lost in the fall. The Soldier was down to a long jagged knife that he clutched white knuckled in his flesh hand, the mental arm gripped in a fist. She nodded at him slowly with a calming smile and he returned the nod but his jaw was clenched and his body trembled with adrenaline, eyes narrowed and focused. The room filled with Hydra agents slinking around the walls in the dark, out numbering them with impossible odds. Their guns were drawn and pointed at the table that served as slight shelter for the two hidden ex-soviets. There was a moment of silence before suddenly two high powered lanterns were brought in bathing the room in an eerie glow, the shadows of the agents tall and menacing on the walls. A pair of boots came echoing outside in the hall way, each step closing distance. There was something in the sound of the steps, something familiar that triggered a full body tremor that raked through the paralyzed Soldier who’s breath caught in his throat, eyes growing wide. Natasha studied his face and knew instantly that who ever was coming through the door had a history with the Winter Soldier and none of it was good. She kept her hands on each gun but leaned toward him and whispered a soft but firm demand in hushed Russian.

“Breath Soldier,.... You are stronger then any of them,.......they fear you!..... Lets show them that no one can own you!” Her tone turned to Steal and enlisted a shallow breath through his trembling lips then another.   
The boots stopped just inside the door way and waited for acknowledgment. After a moment they could hear a displeased sigh.  
“We are reclaiming our weapon, the Fist of Hydra!” The man’s voice was a harsh Russian bark and it strangled the breath right out from the Soldier’s chocked throat. They remained in silence, The Soldier's body shaking as he fought to control his fear and desperate panic. “I see no reason for you to waste your life Agent Romanoff, over a piece of stolen property!..... The man who wore the face of Sergeant Barnes is gone,.... he died over 70 years ago and has been replaced by Hydra’s greatest Soldier,.... The Asset is not some unfortunate creature to pity,..... It is flesh and bone and honed skill, crafted into a lethal and perfectly deadly assassin.......... that is all it knows,..... all it understands.” The man spoke almost calmly as he began circling the large table.   
The Soldier lowered his head, shoulders hunched like a frightened animal. Despite his hatred for this man and the sick pain his familiar voice and foot steps conjured with in the Soldier’s subconscious, he also knew that the man was right, and the truth of it stung as he felt shame seep through his bones. But the Russian Handler had one thing incorrect however. James Barnes was not dead, he lived within the Soldier and his will power was growing stronger with every passing day

“Well you probably should have consulted your medical team then because the Soldier’s body can’t handle anymore trips into the freezer. What is the point of salvaging a weapon that can not be maintained and will malfunction....... No matter how many times you wiped his mind or beat him into submission,..... he still defied orders, he still knew that he could not kill his best friend!...... It is you and Hydra that are foolish for risking your lives for a weapon that can no longer be controlled!” Natasha chastised, her voice cold and deliberate but emotionless. 

The Foot steps paused and a low, raspy sound was heard, a cruel and sadistic laugh.  
“You are correct Black Widow,...... his physical form may no longer be able to withstand the process of cryo freeze, but that is why we have taken the Fist of Hydra project to the next level...... We will use his body for the next few years and then, once his physical form is no longer in peek condition, we will harvest his brain tissue and use it to create our new army of robotic Soldiers, able to think and react like the Asset, his training, his conditioning but with out the nuisance of maintaining a human body. Hydra will once again rise to power,...... The fist of Hydra will live on for eternity!” The Russian Handler spoke with pride and confidence. Natasha’s jaw locked and she met the Soldier’s gaze, his eyes dilated and huge. His breathing was frantic through his noise, stare distant and filled with pain.

With out so much as a warning the Russian Handler gripped the large conference table and shoved it with enhanced strength toward the wall where the edges shattered and splintered. Natasha and The Soldier dove out from under it and instantly both where up and fighting, The Soldier using his body to shield her, cutting and slashing each advancing Hydra agent as from behind him Natasha made each of her remaining shots count. Despite their speed and accuracy, there were too many combatants and the Handler managed to stay behind his agents where she could not get a good shot. It wasn't long before they were overwhelmed and Natasha was dragged away from The Soldier who desperately struggled against the multiple agents that fought to restrain him, placing a Genoshian collar around his neck that sent electrical currents ripping through his central nervous system, freezing his muscles and sending his body into spasms as he cried out in desperation and pain.

The Soldier struggled to control his body and fight back as he convulsed, the electrical fire racing through every muscle in searing pain. He could hear Natasha cursing in Russian as they dragged her away from him. When the collar finally lessened, it’s current reduced to a painful buzz, he lay curled in a ball on the floor panting with whimpered pain.

“Soldier, First position!” The Handler barked the order. The Soldier opened his blurry eyes and looked up in anguish as he saw Natasha on her knees ten feet away with a gun shoved into her temple. With a muted cry the Winter Soldier struggled up to his knees and placed his hands behind his head with a sorrowful whimper as his regretful eyes locked with the Black Widow, her one good eye carefully hiding her inner panic. The Handler scoff at their eye contact and shook his head in displeasure.

“You have been away from Hydra only two months and already you have broken your conditioning,.... You were ordered to Terminate the Black Widow upon sight!...... She is a threat to Hydra!” The Handler fumed as he stepped over dead Agents and brought a hard back hand to the Soldier's already bloodied face. He hit him again and again with fury as he cursed at his Asset in Russian. The Soldier remained still, accepting the abuse and as Natasha watched she felt her blood boil. Finally after a solid strike that knocked the Soldier to the ground, The Handler stepped back with an angry grunt. “Cuff his arms behind his back!” He snapped at one of the near by operatives. 

The Soldier was hauled back up to his knees, arms yanked back wards as they placed both his metal arm and flesh in high tech cuffs that went from wrist to elbow, practically pulling his shoulder out of it’s socket. They were designed to contain his metal arm and once locked in place were un breakable. The Soldier’s breathing was haggard and he winced in pain as they locked in place. Inside his head James Barnes was screaming at him, begging him to fight back. You can’t let them take us again!.... Please, Their gonna kill her and turn you into a weapon again!..... Don’t let them win!.... Your stronger then them!.... Common you fucking moron!..... FIGHT BACK! The Soldier was breathing fast and hard as Barne’s pleas hammered the inside of his skull, he raised his eyes slowly and looked up at the Handler who had walked over toward him with a sick, sadistic twist of his lips.

“You remember me don’t you Soldier?....... No matter how many times we have wiped your mind,...... You remember our time together before you were sent to the America’s!........ Our bond as Handler and Asset!” The Russian Handler gazed down at the Soldier with a look that made his stomach turn and his body shake. The man brought his hand up to the Asset’s bloody face, fingers tracing his jaw and then up to his lips, dipping into his mouth as a look of violent lust darkened the Handler’s eyes. The look and the feel of the finger’s in his mouth made the Soldier feel sick and confused as sharp images danced through his mind. The sound of grunts and laughter and his own agony and shame gripping his mind as he closed his eyes against an influx of tears he refused to show.

From across the room Natasha watched the interaction and felt a wave of sympathy mixed with rage wash over her and she silently wished she had not set up her phone to link the security cameras, projecting the live feed to the other Avenger’s. They would not understand the Russian that had been spoken but surely the man’s perverse gesture toward the Soldier could not be missed. She watched helplessly with one eye, her own arms with strained behind her by cuffs and the gun pressed to the side of her head hard enough to bruise. The room was silent with the exception of the frantic breathing of the Soldier as the Handler continued to touch his face and lips suggestively, his other hand traveling to his growing erection.

“Open your eyes Soldier!...... LOOK AT ME!” The Handler barked the order as his hand grabbed the Soldier’s hair roughly, yanking his head back.

The Soldier's body was shaking violently as he opened his wet eyes that communicated his utter anguish, fear and humility. He looked up at the sadistic man and fought the urge to cry, to sob in hopeless defeat. Everything felt so intense, so raw and dark and nauseating. The room spinning as Inside his head James Barns was franticly pleading with the Soldier to do something, anything. The Soldier listened to the inner voice and realized that Barns had been right all along. The Soldier was not a human, just a weapon and Hydra’s play thing. He could never be a real person because all he knew of life was pain, misery, death, violence and submission. With a renewed feeling of desperate anger that was fueled by Barne’s internal monologue he decided that he had enough. He would rather die than be their weapon again even if he could never be human. The past few months had been better then any memory he had recovered but he knew that Barnes had a whole past of joy and heartache and everything that made up the human experience. He was done being selfish, done pretending to be human but also done being a weapon. Life was too much for him, but he knew that Barnes was counting on him to survive, to keep the body alive so that he could rejoin the world. Steve and the good people he had met deserved to have Barnes back as much as the Soldier deserved to die or at least be put to rest, relived from the misery of remembering the awful things that had happened to him and that he had been forced to do.   
The Handler must have seen the change in his expression, must have known that something clicked, because the smile left his face a moment before the Solider acted, his body tensing and eyes narrowed. With a speed and dexterity that was impressive and completely unrivaled, the Soldier rolled back, kicking the Handler square in his gut, sending him flying back. He brought his cuffed arms out in front of him, dislocating his flesh arm in the process. He did not wince or cry in pain, his adrenaline surged as he sprang to his feet and used his cuffed arms to strike the nearest agent hard across his face, fracturing the man’s jaw and cheek bone. The movement was lighting fast and caught Hydra off guard but not the Black Window who quickly ducked and spun out her legs knocking the three guards that surrounded her off their feet. She too brought her hands out front with out the need for dislocation and was on her feet, a gun in her hand firing at the other agents as the Soldier began fighting with a rorer of anger and hostility that was frightening to watch.

The Soldier was in a stage of fury and rage, seeing red, but his reflexes and training were automatic. Despite the cuffs, he fought with lethal intent, decimating the Hydra agents who were firing tranquilizer’s at him, most of which he was able to block. His attention was caught momentarily by the sound of Natasha as she cried out after being struck hard in the back of her head by a riffle butt, collapsing unconscious to the floor. Instantly he leapt toward his fallen comrade and broke the neck of her assailant who looked up in terror at the wild eyed assassin before his expression turned blank evermore. The Soldier's cuffed hands managed to retrieve a gun and made quick work of the remaining Hydra agents, bring them all down. He stood still, panting in the aftermath of the bloody chaos as he gazed down at the carnage. He heard a gargled moan and walked over with deliberate steps toward the Russian Handler who was trying to pick himself up.. He looked up with terror at the Asset who’s lips turned up with a bitter twist of a smile.

“I am not a weapon!.....Hydra will never own me again!” The Soldier spoke low with an angry promise as he brought his cuffed arms down on the man again and again, crying out in desperate anger, letting his years of torture and humility release his wrath of vengeance on one of the most vindictive and cruel Handlers who had ever controlled him. He continued his assault even after the man’s head had caved in, his brain mater mush under the Soldier's force. Finally with a haggard cry of anguish, the Soldier stood and staggered away, his adrenaline faltering as the three tranquilizer darts lodged in his badly bruised back had released the toxin that was blurring his vision and making his steps heavy. 

With difficult, sluggish steps, the Soldier approached the unconscious and battered form of the Black Widow. He grimaced in pain as he used his dislocated and mental arms, still cuffed to clumsily lift her up over his metal shoulder. He struggled to his feet as he swayed, the sedative's taking hold but his will power was stronger, at least for the moment. With slow staggered steps he made his way over the bodies and through the darkened hall ways, up the stairs until he came to Bruce’s lab where he not so gently dumped Natasha’s limp body on the medical table before falling to his knees in front of it, his body slumping to the floor with a heavy breath as unconsciousness over took him. The last thought he had was from Barnes, his voice exhausted but thankful. You did it..... I knew you could!...... We’re free!


	23. Blood Of Angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Mature Chapter but again non graphic just sad and creepy and more fodder for the hurt/comfort bromance! Hope ya like it! Drawling toward the last quarter of this tale and soon it will be time for me to write about Bucky’s recovery rather then the Winter Soldier.

Brown Bird:  
Blood Of Angels Lyrics

 

I can’t make my mood match the weather  
I can’t make the weather do what I want  
so I’ve resigned myself to pry that big old sun out of the sky  
and I will live my days in darkness til I die

I tried to be good I was a failure  
so I took to taking all the good men down  
it wasn’t hard to do   
I just huffed and puffed and blew  
until all the two-shoes scattered underground

you could be right  
they might come for me at night  
in angry mobs with torches bright outside my door  
for all my spite  
I might never win the fight  
but I will rage against the light forever more

I drank the blood of angels from a bottle  
just to see if I could call the lightning down  
it hasn’t struck me yet  
and I would wage my soul to bet  
that there ain’t no one throwing lightning anyhow

Too many tries at tempting fate to call it over  
and you get to thinking fate's got different plans  
like maybe i'm not born to die  
but to bring darkness to the sky  
and pull that goddamn sun down anyway I can

you could be right  
they might come for me at night  
in angry mobs with torches bright outside my door  
for all my spite  
I might never win the fight  
but I will rage against the light forever more

and oh the hopelessly tender hearted  
tend to sing the loudest of love  
but my sweet temptations turn their songs into a lie  
I fold the grass over all they’ve started  
to never see the light of the sun  
as they dwell in darkness so shall I

don’t try to come around here   
spreading sentiments of cheer  
you told your last white lie   
everything is not alright  
you hope, you pray  
you love the light of day  
but there’s no one up there listening tonight

you could be right  
they might come for me at night  
in angry mobs with torches bright outside my door  
for all my spite  
I might never win the fight  
but I will rage against the light forever more

 

Captain America and his fellow Avengers watched the video feed with shock and horror. None of them understood what was being said but what was happening was obvious enough. When the large man who had been talking in Russian pushed the table exposing Natasha and Bucky, Steve’s breath caught in his chest, eyes wide and desperate. He heard Stark muttering curses as he few the plane as fat as it could travel all the while watching the fighting play live in front of his eyes. When the Hydra operatives managed to lock the strange yellow collar around the Soldiers neck it began to glow and buzz as the man crumpled to the floor writhing in pain with agonizing cries,

“What the hell is that thing?” Steve asked breathless as his body shook.

“It’s a Genoshian collar,..... They use them on Mutants as a means of control. It negates their powers when its on and if they try to fight back it sends electrical currents through the entire body!” Clint spat with disgust having encountered the collars before on missions with Wolverine when they were freeing Mutants that were being trafficked on the black market.   
“Those things can be turned up to almost 80 mA of volt!......I am guessing they set it on the max.” Stark’s tone suggested that he was speaking through gritted teeth, his voice harsh and disgusted with the tech that he had examined before. Steve felt his jaw clench, his heart felt like it was breaking as he watched his best friend’s intense suffering live before his eyes. Clint stiffened in his seat at the sight of Natasha being forced to kneel, cuffed with a gun against her temple.

“Stark!” Clint’s voice was a choked shout.  
“I know Barton!...... I am pushing this plane as fast as it can go........We’re flying at Mach 8 right now but we wont get there for over an hour.” Ironman sighed with frustration as they continued to watch the images of their friends being brutalized.

Steve swallowed down a pained noise that crept into his throat at the sight of Bucky’s trembling body kneeling in “First Position.” He watched with angry snorts through his noise, jaw clenched as The Russian Handler began striking his friend over and over again as the Soldier remained locked in the submissive position until he was knocked down to the ground by a particularly hard blow. Sam wiped his face with his hand sighing with a sad shake of his head. He looked over at Steve who let out an anguished growl of frustration and heart ache when the Hydra agents cuffed the Soldier, the desperation of the situation growing every second.

None of them knew how to react however when the Handler began touching The Soldier and then put his fingers in his mouth. Steve sat up straight with a look of shock and confusion on his face as the image of the Handler touching himself at the same time played out before his eyes.

“What.....the.....Fuck?!” Clint’s voice was flat with disbelief, echoing the thoughts shared by the other men who felt a nauseous pit in their stomachs. Steve was silently shaking, his fists clenched and his eyes wide as he watched the degrading interaction that suggested so much more. He felt his chest seize in panic at the implications of what this disgusting excuse for a man had done to his friend in the past and what he might do to him in the near future. When the Handler yanked on Bucky’s hair so hard his head snapped back Steve felt his own neck ache and bile rise in his throat.

The mood in the plane was tense with angry breaths and mumbled curses as the only sound with the exception of the audio from the video. Steve was beginning to feel crushed with hopelessness when suddenly every thing changed.   
The Avengers watched the screen with surprise as the Winter Soldier, who had been so still was instantly rolling back wards and kicking out at the Handler. The speed of the attack was followed by a seen of extreme violence and brutality as the Soldier roared like a caged lion that was breaking free. Clint’s mouth twitched in a smile as Natasha took down the agents by her and grabbed their gun. 

“That a girl!” Hawk Eye nodded and Sam blew out a deep breath. All of their eyes were glued to the screen with the exception of the still unconscious doctor. After a few moments Clint’s smile faltered as he slammed his fist on his leg grimacing as Natasha was knocked out. With frantic eyes Steve watched as the Soldier slaughtered the remaining agents and then stumbled over to the Handler that was picking himself up. Steve sat forward even more with nervous energy as his eyes landed on the three tranquilizer darts in his friends back. He bit his lip hard as he watched with bated breath, hoping his friend could deal with the Handler before scrumming to the drugs. His prayer was answered despite the sick feeling he got as he watched the Soldier pound the man into a pile of broken bone and flesh, blood and brains splattering every where.  
Steve finally sat back with a sigh of relief as the image of the Soldier stumbled over to Natasha, lifting her up and carrying her from the room. Despite the gruesome ferocity of the Soldier and the disturbing scene of the room bathed in blood and bodies, Steve could not help but feel grateful that the man made into a weapon had the skills to defend him self and Natasha against the overwhelming odds.

“He did what he had to do!” Sam sighed as he pat Steve on the back. Clint let out a low chuckle and a shake of his head.

“I think it would be best to never, ever, ever pick a fight with that man!.......Wow!” Stark retorted from the front of the plan with amusement and also discomfort.

“Bucky’s a fighter,...... always has been and always will be!” Steve sighed as he rubbed his tired eyes, still anxious to get back and tend to his injured friends but his pounding hart was finally evening out.  
........................................................................................................................  
An hour later Stark was landing the plan in the hanger and Sam was helping a still groggy, but awake Doctor Banner stand up on shaky legs.

“Do we know if they are still under attack?” The Doctor asked with confusion as they excited the plane, one arm around Hawk Eye and the other around the Falcon as they followed Captain America and Ironman into the darkened Tower. Hawk eye explained what had happened on the plane and the need for medical attention. Stark used a flash light beam from his suite as they made their way through the pitch black tower steping over debris and dead bodies.

“I told Pepper that white carpets were a bad idea!” Stark sighed as they moved toward the stairs. Steve was in front, practically jogging as his eyes scanned the area for the figures of his friends. “I am going to head to the workshop and get Jarvis back on line along with the electricity.” Stark spoke as he made his way down the flights of stairs.

“Lets take Bruce to his lab..... Gotta get you patched up doc so you can work on Natasha and Bucky!” Sam stated and Bruce nodded as he winced at the bandages over his chest.

“Can you support him Sam?” Clint asked with an anxious tone, wanting to go with Steve to find their injured comrades. Sam nodded and Hawk Eye took off down the stairs to catch up with Steve. 

The Archer and the Super Soldier moved with urgency as they used flash lights to look for their friends. After only a few moments there was a loud computerized whirling sound as all the lights came on at once along with the alarm and Jarvis’s voice.  
...........Under Attack. I suggest you retrieve weapons from the arsenal on level.......I appear to have been rebooted.  
Just after Jarvis interrupted it’s self he silenced the alarm.

Captain Rogers, Mr. Stark has informed me that you and Agent Barton are looking for Sergeant Barns and Agent Romanoff. They are currently in the medical Lab and have been joined by The Falcon and Doctor Banner.

“Thanks Jarvis!......Good to have you back!” Hawk Eye answered for Steve as they both took off running toward the lab.

Once through the door way they took in the scene. Sam was grabbing a hospital bed from the next room over and was wheeling it in as Banner was using a scanner in each hand, one over Natasha and the other over Bucky who lay face down collapsed on the floor. Steve ran over and knelt down with caution, his eyes wet and hands trembling.  
“Steve, can you pull those darts out and put him face down on that bed,..... His back is the worse of his injuries at the moment.” Banner sighed as he turned his full attention to Natasha asking Clint to get some antiseptic and clean towels and Sam to grab the bandages and ice packs as the Doctor began cutting the bloody clothes off the unconscious Black Widow.

Steve pulled the darts out, each had been stuck in more then two inches deep and left bloody puncture wounds that added to the stains on the torn bloody shirt. Steve gently ripped the shirt in half and off of his friend as his eyes scanned over the inflammation and bruising that decorated his entire back. With carful hands he touched the Genoshan collar and pulled his hand back with a painful hiss as it still buzzed with a painful but low current. Steve looked up as Stark walked in still in suite with his mask up.

“Tony,...... This collar is still on!” Steve’s voice was an urgent plea, eyes grief stricken. Quickly Stark closed the distance and let out an angry sigh as he used one of the tools that came out of his suite to deactivate it and open it up. Once the collar unlatched and was removed both men gave sharp intakes of breath at the raw ring of flesh burned around Bucky’s neck, blistered and wet. Banner walked over with eyes that struggled to contain his rage. Tony then used the same tool to unlock the cuffs that were slick with blood, most of which did not belong to the Soldier. With a heavy heart, Steve and Tony carefully moved the unconscious Soldier flat onto a medic board and then lifted it. Sam helped them move him onto the bed as they kept him on his stomach, the damage to his back looking worse by the minute as nasty bruising was setting in and what looked like disk displacement along his spine. They could see the dislocated arm that was coated in dried blood with slivers of wood and glass still present. Steve swallowed as he stroked the matted hair from Bucky’s turned face that was swollen and covered in blood, bruised and beaten savagely. Steve felt the tears in his eyes as he shook his head. He then looked over at Natasha who was less banged up but still not in good shape, the bruising and gash over her eye more visible as the dried blood was wiped away gentaly by Hawk Eye who looked intently upon his fellow S.H.I.E.L.D agent. Her torso was covered in slowly darkening bruises and Bruce muttered that her noise was broken as well as several ribs. 

Steve cover his mouth with his hand as he looked at his fallen friends. Stark rest a hand on his shoulder with a sigh as they gazed down at the unconscious figures, feeling more guilty then ever before.

........................................................................................................................

The Soldier was alone on the recovery table in the middle of a cold and dank smelling room, stripped naked and vulnerable. His eyes were blindfolded, head phones on his ears playing his voice pledging allegiance to Hydra. He was sore all over, the recent stitches that held his upper right thigh together after a particularly challenging mission itched but he had been order to remain still. His lips were cracked and his throat sore, thirsty for water. Despite the blind fold and the head phones, he knew that someone had entered the room and as the person drew closer he felt his body shake with foreboding. 

This Handler was vicious and cruel but he was also gentle while he hurt and it created confusion and anxiety in the frightened Asset’s mind. The Handler touched his new stitches and his breath caught as pain raced through his leg. The Handler moved his hands gently, touching his body with calloused fingers that seemed to explore him in a way that was uncomfortable. The Weapon remained still even as the hands began touching more and one traveled up to his face mask unlatching it. Fingers brushed his chapped lips and dipped into his mouth as he fought the urge to scream, to cry out and bite down. He knew that he could not disobey his Handler, that his body was a weapon to be used as Hydra saw fit and yet he could not help feeling a desperate panic in his gut.

Suddenly there was another person in the room and their presence brought strength and a wave of familiarity. The Handler was pushed back away from the asset who was suddenly released from his paralyzed state of submission. His defender removed the blind fold and head phones. The Asset blinked up in surprise at the face of James Barnes, their twin eyes locking. Barnes jaw was locked, his expression a mixture of anger and compassion. He reached out and pulled the confused Asset to his feet and handed him a gun.

“You can fight back now....... You can be free!........You have the power now!” Barnes reassured the Soldier with a patient nod. The Soldier looked down at the gun and then up to the Handler who’s image had distorted to look like a large shadowy demon with many Hydra heads, no longer just one Handler but many, all of his tormentors through out his 70 years of slavery. The Soldier raised the gun in one shaky hand and fired it at the Handlers, riddling the body with bullets and not stopping until the despised creature was blown to pieces. He panted as he dropped the weapon and suddenly he was not naked but dressed in the blue mesh shorts and soaks but no T-Shirt. James Barnes was in a dirty and ragged uniform, looking exhausted and a little weary, but he offered the Soldier a kind smile.

“I do not like that Handler....... I do not like any of my Hydra Handlers.” The Soldier stated simply with a small shudder. Barnes nodded with a sigh as he pat his alter ego on the back.

“Yea,.... that guy was a creep!....... But he’s dead now..... All of “em are dead and gone!” Barns offered as he guided the Soldier out of the Hydra cell and suddenly they were in a city, in a time past. The Soldier looked around in confusion as Barnes lead him into a bar. The bar tender turned around and the Soldier was surprised to see Sam cleaning glasses. He nodded at the two with smiles. They took a seat at the bar and Barnes asked for two whiskeys. The Soldier looked around and his confusion grew as he noticed the other Avengers sitting around the bar at tables chatting and drinking. They were in the company of other faces, familiar but not out right known.  
“The Howling Commandos!” Barnes smiled as he held his drink up toward the table of men all dressed in uniform who cheered him and began singing. The Soldier looked at Barnes who gulped down the alcohol and shook his head with a sigh.  
“I know I have been hard on you Soldier...” Barnes began with a sigh as he looked over at his present self who sat hunched in the Bar stool. “ I get why you want to be human,.... I understand your pain and your longing because we are one in the same. If you bleed I bleed,.... if you cry I cry...... But I think you know now that it’s time to let me take over......” Barnes sighed again as the Soldier slumped even more.

“Look, I know what your going through,..... and I appreciate all the pain and suffering you went through so I didn’t have too. But we cant keep existing like this. I want to wake up!” Barnes looked at the glass in his hand. “I want to have a real god damn drink at a real god damn bar with my best friend!” Barnes said forcefully making eye contact with the pouting Soldier. The man lifted his head and peeked up at Barns through his curtain of hair.

“Steve is a good Handler..... he is ...... kind.” The Soldier whispered. Barnes sighed again and shook his head.

“But he doesn't want to be your Handler,.... he wants to be my friend!” Barnes again used a plaintiff voice that begged and demanded at the same time. The Soldier considered this and knew it was true. He rubbed his neck and rolled his shoulders, suddenly feeling pain in his back.

“I understand that I must stop living so that you can reclaim your body but,..... can I say good by first, explain to Steve............the others......I will go away after.......please?” The Soldier asked with a trembling voice and Barnes sighed as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Okay Pal!....... I’ll sit tight for a little while longer, but you gotta realize that the longer you draw this out, the harder it is for Steve!” Bucky’s tone was serious and his eyes poignant. The Soldier nodded in understanding as he let out a sigh.

“Can I have English back?...... Want to talk to Steve,...... explain........” The Soldier asked as he bit his lip and looked up at Barns. Bucky considered it for a moment before he nodded with another sigh.

“I am counting on you Soldier!...... Don’t let me down!” Barnes warned as he took another shot and then turned away as he walked over to join the Commandos in song. The Soldier listened to the words of the song and it seemed strange because as he listened the sound was not of multiple voices but rather one, a woman’s voice singing a soft Russian lullaby. The bar room faded and The Soldier felt himself waking up


	24. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short and Sad. Mature themes and vulnerable, kicked puppy feels! After this we are moving forward toward the resolution of this drama!!!!

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Home"

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down

Wrap up your questions, keep them down  
Let the water lead us home  
And I was sorry for what I’d done  
When you were young, I was not old  
But our story was not told  
But torn apart by greedy hands

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down I’ll be gone by the night’s end  
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down

 

 

CH 24

The first thing he became aware of was her voice, soft and gentle and soothing close to his ear. His eyes fluttered open into the slightly dimmed room. It was difficult to open them as his face was swollen, eyes stinging. The next sensation he was aware of was the sharp, painful discomfort throbbing through out his entire back. He started to shift but instantly stopped as spikes of fiery pain shot up his spinal cord and he let out a chocked gasp of pain.

“Don’t move,..... Your back is injured,..... you must remain still!” Natasha spoke in Russian, her tone still gentle but firm as she stroked the hair from his face. He tried to settle and realized that he was lying flat on what felt like a cold gel surface, a pad of some sort that must be designed to reduce the inflammation of his back injury. He opened his eyes again and looked toward his left where Natasha sat next to him. Her face looked swollen and bruised as well and he could tell by her shallow breathing that she was compensating for broken ribs. Her eyes looked dilated and she smiled at him, her head tilting. He swallowed and his throat felt dry. He turned to his right and there sat Steve hunched over, one hand holding the Soldier's flesh hand and his head resting on his other arm sound asleep. 

The Soldier felt a wave of relief wash over him and it helped him accept the paralyzing pain. His shoulder was back in its socket he realized and the glass and wood splinters had been removed and bandaged. He slowly rolled his head back toward Natasha and couldn’t help but grimace at the pain the movement caused.

“Water?..... Please?” He asked in raspy Russian. She nodded and slowly stood up, walking with stiff movements over to a refrigerator and retrieved a pitcher of water that she pored into a cup with a straw. She then held the straw in his mouth. He excepted the liquid gratefully and focused on drinking it slowly so not to choke. He realized that he too had some cracked ribs and the process of breathing and drinking was painful. Steve woke up at the sound of his drinking and sat up suddenly then stopped himself with a painful wheeze, cradling his own rib Cage. The Soldier turned and looked at him with concern.

“Hey Buck!...... Glad your awake!...... Those tranquilizers ere really powerful and Bruce was afraid to give you painkillers until you woke up,..... he thought it might be too much on your system.” Steve smiled and he could not keep tears from filling his eyes as he leaned forward again pressing the Soldier’s hand to his forehead. “God Bucky!...... I am soooo sorry!...... I am so sorry I let them hurt you again!...... That I left you and Nat here alone!” Steve’s voice quivered with remorse and guilt.

“Rogers!” Natasha scolded as she shook her head. The Soldier frowned and used the flesh hand to wiped the tears from Steve’s face.

“It’s okay Steve........You are in pain?” The Soldier spoke in English and Steve looked up with a startled choke of relief.

“Buck!..... You spoke in English!” The Captain exclaimed with joy and his tears continued to flow despite his grin. The Soldier tried to nod but the pain was still too intense shooting up into the back of his skull. He closed his eyes briefly from the blinding jolts and then opened them again looking at Steve, eyes bright with the pain he felt shooting through his whole body.

“You..... are..... in pain..... Steve?” The Soldier asked again in concern. Steve looked at him with a half smile and shook his head. He reached forward and stroked the hair from Bucky’s bruised face.

“I am fine Bucky!..... You are the one suffering right now!....... But we will help you heal!...... You have been so brave Bucky!...... You fought against Hydra so hard!...... You protected Natasha,..... you saved her life and showed them that they can’t control you!....... I am so proud of you Bucky!..... I am so, so proud!” Steve began crying again but wiped at the tears as he heard Natasha sigh as she shook her head at him. He rolled his eyes at her reaction before looking back at Bucky with a soft smile. “Jarvis,..... Tell Bruce that Bucky is awake!” Steve spoke to the AI and then took the water cup from Natasha and held the straw to his friend’s lips again, helping him drink. 

Each swallow was painful and the longer he was awake the worse he felt, the skin around his neck felt raw and exposed and despite the relief that he awoke in the company of Natasha and his Handler, he still thought maybe unconsciousness would be preferable at the moment. His pain and discomfort was obvious and as Bruce entered the lab also wearing bandages under a loose button down, he looked down at the Soldier with a sympathetic smile.

“Hey Bucky!...... I know you are in alot of pain right now...... I am going to put a morphine drip attached to your IV okay,...... It will help dull the pain but I need you to stay awake for awhile.” The doctor spoke while he hooked up the painkiller and Bucky watched him without protest. Banner then turned toward Steve as he spoke but glanced back at Bucky with a reassuring smile. “I just sent the X-Rays of Bucky’s spinal injuries to a chiropractic Surgeon in Finland that is the best at what she does. Stark is flying her here now and she will be able to start working on him by this evening.” He turned back to Bucky as if realizing that his language might invoke fear. “ She is going to set the displaced disks in your back and make sure that there will be no nerve damage. You heal so quickly that if we don’t set them correctly as soon as possible, they may heal wrong and continue to cause you pain.” Bruce offered with reassurance and Bucky swallowed and gave a small nod but again grimaced.

“Hey looks like everyone is awake!” Hawk Eye’s voice echoed in the room as he entered followed by Sam, both men wearing smiles. Clint nodded at the Soldier but quickly turned his attention to Natasha and walked toward her with deliberate steps. With a tenderness that the Widow rolled her eyes at, he gently embraced her with a deep sigh of relief.  
“I am injured Barton!..... Not made of Porcelain!” Her tone was a huff but when he pulled away her eyes softened at his look of desperate worry and the need for reassurance.

“We were so worried about you two,...... that God Damn video feed was torture Nat!” Clint sighed as he caressed her face and she smiled at him and leaned in as he kissed her forehead and then held her again.

“Yea,..... well I wasn’t sure how it was gonna turn out and wanted to keep you boys posted.” She sighed.  
“We weren't sure either,..... But then Bucky the Bad Ass proved that he was stronger then Hydra,...... You were great Buck!...... You took back control!” Sam stated with a bright smile and the Soldier felt a sense of pride before a different notion crossed his mind.  
“You....... saw.......Hydra attack?” He asked with the same painful rasp through his restricted vocal cords.   
“Wait..... His English is back!” Clint smiled but then it faltered under the questioning eyes of the Soldier. His intense stare scanned the faces of those in the room who suddenly realized that perhaps, he felt uncomfortable with the thought that they had witnessed what had transpired between himself and the Sadistic Handler.

“I linked my phone to the security camera in the conference room and sent them a live feed...... I wanted them to know who was attacking and what they looked like.......In case we could not fight them off.” Natasha spoke with a soft and gentle reassurance but his expression turned into one of shame as he closed his eyes, a choked sound emanating from his throat.

“Hey, Bucky,...... It’s okay........ we saw how brave you were, how you over came all those opponents and kept Natasha from being executed...... You were the hero Bucky!” Steve tried to comfort him but the Soldier felt a wave of humiliation wash over him as he remembered the perverted Handler and suddenly his mind was flooded with the shameful fragmented memories that turned his stomach. He let out a whimpered breath as his voice shook.

“Bad Handler....... Hurt.........Bad touch!....... Don’t want you to see,..... Don’t want you to know........ feel sick......Not Clean!” The Soldier kept his eyes squeezed tight as his voice was a low and broken whimper thick with shame and humility. He felt so exposed and vulnerable that he wanted to crawl away but he could not move his pain filled body.

Steve’s eyes welled up with tears again as he reached out and clasped his friends flesh hand. The others sighed and looked away feeling guilty for bringing up memories of violation and degradation. Natasha leaned down close to him and spoke again in Russian, the same reassurance offered through a strong tone.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of Soldier,...... You have done nothing wrong!...... We have all been through pain....... Have suffered and made to feel dirty........ You are not the one who should feel shame...... It is Hydra,..... They are dirty, they are bad...... You are clean..... You are good!” Natasha spoke the words she knew he could not believe at that moment and she winced as his body trembled as he held back a sob.

“Go....... away........please?” The Soldier sputtered out in English with a choked sob, keeping his eyes shut tight.

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice was a plaintive whisper as he reached out again but the Soldier flinched away with a guttural cry.  
“No!.....Leave alone.....leave....please!” The Soldier could not suppress the tears that escaped through his shut eyes as his body shook.

“Common Steve........ Lets give him some space!.......He’s been through a lot and we can’t get him more upset before the surgery!” Sam stated with sympathy as he headed for the door with the others following. Bruce stepped back and away but needed to stay in the lab and do some prep work for the surgery. He nodded at Steve with a look that communicated his vigilance. Natasha leaned down and kissed the Soldier softly on his cheek as she whispered in Russian again.

“Not your shame.....You are my hero!.......They all saw your courage and bravery...... We love you James!” Her voice was so soft and gentle that it broke his determination and resolve and he shuddered as another sob escaped his throat, his head turned away from them all, fists clenched. With sad eyes they left the shattered Soldier in peace, wishing they could have spared him the pain and humility that was gripping his body and mind. Steve was the last to leave as he too bent low to Bucky with a quivery sigh, his words also broken and choked.

“I wish I could have been in your place Bucky!...... I wish I could have spared you from this pain,....... I am sooo sorry!.......Please don't hate yourself!.......Hate me first!...... You have been through so much suffering!..... You deserve to feel good and proud!....... Please!” Steve grasped the Soldier’s flesh fist and kissed the hand pressing it to his wet cheeks before he set in down again gently and stood with a painful sigh. Once they were gone, all except the doctor, the Soldier finally released his choked sobs and he cried. Softly and silently he cried letting his pain and fear and shame flow out of his eyes as he remembered too much. Banner watched him from across the room in silence as he hung his head with heart ache for the abused and broken Soldier.


	25. Trapped In My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So despite the fact that for whatever reason Marvel has sold off different characters of the Marvel universe to different Movie companies I don’t care. I am officially linking the X-Men movie verse with the Avengers movie verse in the next few chapters. I honestly know much more about X-Men then any of the other Marvel characters and so it helps me resolve this story. I promise the focus will remain on our main man Winter Soldier and his alter ego Bucky Barnes! Hope you enjoy, sit tight for the remaining few chapters!

KID CUDI LYRICS

"Trapped In My Mind"

You see I'm trapped in my mind  
And I'm going trippy  
Oh I don't think I'll ever go

You see the walls are so high  
That I couldn't climb them  
So I don't know which way to roll

But I'm stuck in rewind  
Oh I'm looking forward  
Damn I wish I new what went wrong

Am I sick, am I ill  
man my mental got me  
Oh lord please help me pull through

CH.25

The surgery had been a success and after only a week the Solider was able to stand and walk on his own even if he was stiff and slightly sore, his accelerated healing helping in the recovery. The swelling in his face had all but disappeared, bruises visible but faded and Natasha joked that she was jealous since she still looked like a punching bag. No one brought up the Handler or asked him any questions about his memories and for that he was thankful. Each night when he slept he was still pledged by Nightmares as usual but instead of ending with a hostel and angry James Barns, he was instead rescued by the man who helped him fight away the demons and then patiently reminded him of his promise to set Barns free. The Soldier stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom as he looked into the reflection of the face that was not his own. He let out a long sigh as he swallowed down his fear of eternal slumber and reminded him self that he would finally be able to rest. 

With a heavy heart but a willful determination, he sat down on the mattress in the middle of his floor and grabbed the pen and note book Sam had given him a while back, as an encouragement to write down his thoughts and feelings. Until now he had left it untouched but he knew that his time with Steve and the Avengers was coming to an end and he had to figure out how best to explain to them the terrible truth that he was not in fact Sergeant James Buchanan Barns, but just the blank canvass, the mindless heap of clay that was molded by Hydra to be their obedient, lethal killer. With a deep and resolute sigh he put pen to paper and began writing his good bye letter to the only people who had ever treated him with kindness and compassion. The People who helped him realize that he did not have to live a life knowing only pain and death. He would miss them and he did not try to stop the flow of tears as he wrote his farewell. 

........................................................................................................................  
Steve sat with the still sore and some what cranky Black Widow as she sipped on a cup of mint tea and looked through a magazine of the newest stealth combat gear, occasionally folding the corners of the page as she sat with phone near by and a credit card Stark had given her in a goody bag of get well soon gifts. Steve looked over at her from the Yankees’ baseball game he was watching with amusement as Sam walked in having just returned from a few days in DC.

“Hey Cap!......Natasha.” Sam nodded and received a grin from Steve and small salute from the Window who did not look up from her magazine.

“How are things going down there in our Nation’s Capital?” Steve asked as Sam took a seat in the arm chair near the couch the two Avengers were lounging on. Sam shrugged with a nod.

“It’s going well enough I suppose,........ Ran into Agent Hill who basically demanded that I give her a status report on the Winter Soldier and his progress toward recovery.” Sam sighed as Steve looked away toward the T.V then down at his lap.  
“His body’s basically healed.,,,,,,” Steve stated with a false tone of optimism, offering a tight lip smile. Sam nodded with another sigh as he leaned forward.

“Ya know Steve,...... The guy did spend the equivalent of almost two years having his mind wiped, being brainwashed, tortured and trained to be a lethal assassin and that was before they actually started sending him on missions........... Banner said that after analyzing his aging process and the date you last saw him he has aged about three and a half years in total!....... Plus add on the 70 years on Ice....... That is a long time for someone to loose who they are! ...... The very fact that he actually left Hydra in the First place was impressive,...... That he killed two Hydra operatives that were about to take out two men that had just been on his hit list must have taken one hell of a commitment on his part....... then he agrees to let you take him to the strong hold of the people he was trained to think of as enemies and if that was not enough he actually fought back against...... how many corpses did we drag outta here?...... Basically a small army and a clearly pysco, Russian Handler that did God knows what despicable, debilitating and humiliating Bull shit to him,.......” Hawk Eye had walked in and waved as he headed for the fridge, raising an eyebrow at the obvious topic of conversation. “And this all has happened in only two months!...... To be perfectly honest Steve,.... I think your Buddy is doing great!....... There is no quick fix for the kinda dehumanizing trauma he’s been through and the simple fact that he even came to you for help,..... even if it was in desperation, speaks volumes!” Sam nodded his head as Steve looked up with a thoughtful expression.

“Two months ago he shot me for the second time and would have killed all of us and helped Hydra take out millions more!......... One week ago he literarily saved my life like four times and even tried to get me to run while he sacrificed himself.........I had my doubts when you called for help Rogers, but you weren't lying when you said Bucky was a great guy and a hell of a fighter!...... Even if he never remembers his true personality,..... he is loyal and dedicated and so starved for love ya just gotta feel your heart turn to mush around him!” Natasha spoke with a tone that sounded detached and indifferent as she continued scanning through the taser section of the catalog but her words told her true feelings.

“Cap,...... I am still dealing with flash backs and nightmares after only three days under Lokie’s stupid spell and that was over a year ago!...... Sam’s right...... This shit just takes time!” Clint offered as he flopped down in-between Natasha and Steve with a bag of chocolate covered pretzels offering him one. Steve smirked and shook his head and Natasha grabbed the one from Clint’s hand and popped it into her mouth before turning the page. Sam and Steve chuckled at the indignation on Barton’s face.

“Thanks for keeping me in check about all this!” Steve sighed again as he looked at his watch. “Tony should be getting back soon with Pepper right?” Steve asked to the room in general. Stark had managed to persuade her to stay away an additional week as the bodies and blood stained carpets were removed and the debris cleared, repairs still in process. 

“I told him to take her to his Manhattan apartment then out to dinner first..... Spend some quality time together before bringing her back to this nut house!” Natasha answered as she stole yet another pretzel from Clint just as it touched his lips, her reflexes lightening fast even with out looking up.

“Probably a good idea!” Steve nodded with an amazed chuckle. They all turned toward the door way as Bruce walked in with a perplexed and unsettled look on his normally calm face. Behind him half peeking around the door way was the Soldier, head hung and eyes downcast.

“Uhhhh,..... Steve,....... Bucky.......or The Soldier rather,...... has written us a letter and he asked me to review it for mistakes....... This is his 19th draft and I think it contains some very important insight into his...... recover so to speak.” Banner was trying to choose his words and the awkwardness brought the gathered Avengers to full attention, Natasha closing the Catalog and standing up.

“Is that why you wanted the English/Russian Dictionary?” Natasha asked with curiosity as she looked at the timid Soldier who glanced up at her nervously and nodded once then looked back down as he took a few tentative steps forward.

“Is the letter for all of us?” Steve asked as he stood too walking slowly toward his friend who held the folded paper tightly in his hand, breathing quick and frightened. The Soldier looked up with eyes that were almost pleading and stepped forward with urgency placing the letter in Steve’s hand then stepping away, arms locked stiffly and head still down. Steve looked at his friend’s body language with uncertainty then to Banner who raised his eye browns with a sigh as he sat on a stool in the joining kitchen. With hesitation, The Captain unfolded the letter, taking another glance at Bucky then cleared his throat as he began to read after Natasha put the game on mute.

Steve and Team The Avengers,  
You are a good Handler and this team is very good for helping me be not a weapon. I am very happy that I choose to leave Hydra. It is good I did not kill you or the Black Widow or the Falcon. I have done much bad as an Asset for Hydra. Nothing good, only hurt people and kill. I know that Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes is a good man. I am not the one who saved you from drowning in the water Steve, it was him. He is the one who told me to fight back against Hydra. He has been asleep inside my head for so long I did not know him. Now he is awake and he wants to be free. I have been bad and I have not told you and Team The Avengers that I am not him because I wanted to be a person. I have kept him locked up and he was mad. I see him when I sleep and we fight. He wants to live again and I need to go away for him to take control of this body. I am sorry that I have been lying. You are very good and very kind and have not hurt me and I love you and I am bad for not telling you the truth and for keeping James Barns away from you. He wants to be your friend again. He was happy that I fought Hydra and He gave me back English so I could say good bye. Thank you for teaching me not to be bad and not to be a weapon. I like not killing people. James is ready to wake up and I am ready to go away. No More Pain!

Steve looked up in confusion at his friends ridge form, shaking slightly with his gaze on the floor, then over to Banner who sighed with a shake of his head. The Captain then looked back toward the other Avengers who shared the puzzled look. Natasha approached slowly, walking up close to the Soldier who tensed as if expecting to be hit. Instead, she gently and slowly wrapped him in her arms, stroking the back of his head as she whispered in Russian,

“Thank you for your honesty Soldier. You will not be punished.” She reassured and he let out a shaking breath and brought his uncertain gaze up to meet her then over to Steve as he bit his lip.

“Bucky.....or ..umm,.... Soldier,...... can you come sit down with us. I think we need to understand this better?” Sam asked causally as he gestured toward another seat. The Soldier looked over at Sam, then at the seat and scanned the other faces trying to remind himself that he would not be punished and that further explanation was of course required. He swallowed and quietly stepped forward on shaky legs as he sat down on the edge of the chair, hands gripping his thighs hard enough to bruise as he practiced his slow breathing. Banner came closer and walked behind him as he whispered a reassurance that he was doing well controlling him self and staying calm.

As every one sat Steve kept his eyes locked on the man wearing Bucky’s face, his eye brows crumpled in confusion and apprehension.

“So,..... tell us when you see and hear James Buchanan Barnes?” Sam asked with a calm, non-judgmental voice as the others sat quietly and studied the Soldier. The Asset looked up at Sam and opened his mouth then closed it with a frown then opened it again and spoke with a low shaky voice.

“When I sleep,..... I see him,...... we share dreams....... He tells me he wants to live...... He said he wants to.....” He stopped and thought about Barne’s wording during the dream he had right after Hydra’s attack.” Wants to have a real God damn drink at a real God damn bar with his best friend.” The Soldier stated, repeating Barnes. Hell yea I do! “And I hear him sometimes like now...... He said,...Hell yea I do!” The Soldier attempted to mimic the accent and tone of voice and for some reason Steve jolted up right with an intense stare and a slight smile.

“What drink?” Steve asked with a small hopeful sound in his voice. The Soldier closed his eyes and waited for Barne’s to speak again.

“Tom..... Collins?” The Soldier stated with confusion as to why a name came to mind. Steve laughed with excitement, unable to hide his reaction.

“Made with what liquor?” He questioned sitting forward and looking at the Soldier who stared down then back up, this time speaking with certainty.  
“He likes Bourbon Whisky....... Will drink it on the rocks if ya got it.” Again his tone sounded with a Brooklyn accent and Steve jumped up with a grin, the sudden burst of movement intimidating, the Soldier flinched and scooted back in the chair pulling his legs up as he watched Steve’s reaction wide eyed.

“Thats right!..... All of it!...... I cant believe the first thing you remember from life before was booze!..... I swear to God Bucky!” Steve laughed out loud as he paced the room shaking his head with a wide grin.

“Steve,...... calm down a bit..... lets try to focus on how the Soldier is perceiving this information, how he knows that,” Sam stated with a patient voice and eyes that flashed over to the Soldier who looked flushed and disconcerted by Steve’s excitement. 

“Okay,..... sure..... sorry.” Steve spoke with a gentle nod as he sat back down but his eyes were lit with excitement.

“How did you know about that drink?” Sam asked with a soothing tone. The Soldier swallowed and sighed.

“I hear his voice, inside my head...... Sometimes he is very loud,..... screaming,...... yelling at me....... Sometimes he is asleep, I am alone then....... When Hydra used the......” The Soldier swallowed again and began trembling as he pulled his legs in tighter. “When they put us in the chair......He screams,..... he tell’s me to fight back........ After the chair he is quiet...... I forget him....... The longer I am awake, the louder he gets....... He told me to save Steve...... He told me to kill those snipers who were tracking you both. He told me to protect and defend Team The Avengers..... He told me he needs to wake up.” The Soldier sighed again.

“You said you see him in your dreams?..... Dose he talk to you then too?” Sam asked gently.   
The Soldier nodded and looked away with a guilty expression. “I did not want to hear him or see him before. He was mad at me for killing and being a weapon. He said I should burn in hell........ But when I listened to him and fought back against Hydra he said Thank You....... He said I did good.” The Soldier looked up at the faces that were deep in thought and he wondered if they were as confused as he was.

“Do you share any of his memories?” Natasha asked softly and the Soldier bit his lip again.

“He shows me....... some in dreams,...... but mostly I remember Hydra, and killing.” The Soldier answered back with a frown.

“So we just have to keep trying to trigger his memories from before right?” Steve asked toward the others not sure why Bucky was referring to himself in plural.

“No......Not exactly Steve.” Sam stated as he sat back in thought the others all seeming to share a collective realization.

“Well then what?” The Captain asked always ready for action. Sam looked back at the Soldier and leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees.

“What is your earliest memory?..... The first one you have?” Sam asked with a calm, steady voice and the Soldier closed his eyes and rubbed his head in pain as he tried to think back on the fragmented pieces of his life that had been wiped so many times before.

“The arm,........Laying on a table and seeing it...... Fighting a doctor,..... punished.... then....... my face, looking back in the ice coffin.” The Soldier shivered as he related the memory, hugging his knees and rocking slightly. Steve rubbed his back with a sad smile and then looked at Sam who rubbed his face.

“Nothing before?” Sam asked with a thoughtful tone and received a shake of the Soldier’s head as he kept his eyes to the floor.

“They preformed the prosthetics Surgery after the mind wipe where he lost his name.” Banner interjected and exchanged an intrigued look with Sam who nodded.

“What.... what does that mean?” Steve asked still perplexed. Sam looked at The Captain with a steady sigh then back to Bucky.

“You are not Bucky?” Sam asked and received a shake of the Soldier’s head again, eyes traveling up to meet his patient gaze. “Then who do you think you are?” Sam questioned carefully

“I..... am the Fist of Hydra,..... Their most valuable Asset,...... The perfect assassin.” The Soldier mumbled as he glanced up at Steve feeling guilty as he saw the discouraged look on his Handler’s face.

“And you know James Buchanan Barnes now?..... His voice,...... his face?..... He can communicate to you?” The Soldier nodded once.

“I did not know him before,..... he was just a voice....... in my head ..... I heard him when I have been out of Cryo for long missions........He spoke soft,....cried when a mission completed......cried for targets....... But..... once he heard Steve say his name,..... say Bucky,.... he woke up.... kept saying,... “I know him!”.... Over and over.....showed me Steve’s eyes,..... told me not to hurt him.” The Soldier’s voice was small, body shacking slightly as he leaned into Steve who sat next to him and wrapped an arm around him

“And now Bucky is awake inside your head and he wants to take control, and make you go to sleep?” Natasha asked with a soft question, like Sam, understanding what this split in consciousness meant. The Soldier nodded with a frown and a sigh.

“Steve,....... I think this might be a case of Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder as they are calling it now.” Sam sighed as he sat back and received nods of agreement from the others.

“It would certainly explain why he has only been able to recover his memories with Hydra and nothing before the fall.” Bruce agreed. as he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“What?.....I don’t....What are you guys talking about?” Steve asked with a confused urgency as he subconsciously tightened his embrace with his friend who remained silent, head down.

“Basically it happens when a person experiences severe abuse and trauma and begins to Disassociate with the pain of that ongoing experience...... What Hydra was doing to Bucky with those mind wipes didn’t erase his memories, just shoved them down and locked them away so they could create a blank canvass for their masterpiece in the art of killing.” Natasha mused as she explained the concept to Steve.

“The repeated conditioning and abuse forged a new personality, The Winter Soldier, who’s only life experiences have been as a weapon for Hydra..... He is unable to connect with the past life of James Barnes because he is not that man, or personality, he is his own entity.” Sam elaborated and he sighed as he saw Steve’s face drop from confusion to deep dread and concern.  
“So......He.......isn’t Bucky?..... Can’t ever be Bucky... ever again?” Steve’s voice cracked and he felt his chest tighten as he looked down at the broken figure clutched in the curve of his arm. The Soldier looked up and met his eyes with a deep sadness and remorse that communicated his guilt and shame at not being the person Steve had thought he was, the man he really wanted him to be.

“Well,....... again..... it can get complicated...... From what The Soldier has just told us, it sounds like when ever the wipes and chemical’s they pumped into his system began to fade he started to hear Barne’s and interact with him which suggests a Co-conscious relationship between the Soldier and Bucky........ I think what we will have to do is help them switch the dominate personality and then use psychotherapy to help reunite the two identifies.” Sam suggested.

“No..... Please!..... Need to go away.... go to sleep so Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes can wake up....... He is a good friend to Steve Rogers,..... good man...... my memories are bad!” The Soldier pleaded suddenly as he looked imploringly up at Sam who sighed and reached out taking The Soldier’s flesh and metal hand’s in his own.

“If we put you to sleep,....... he will still hear you and see you in his dreams just like you do now..... You are a part of his mind now, even if your not linked up consciously.” Sam tried to explain but The Soldier just continued to shake his head, mouth set in a deep frown, gaze unflinching.

“Bad.....Bad..... To much Pain.... Blood...... Anger..... Fear..... Cold!...... Want to protect and defend James Barne’s,...... Keep him safe from Hydra...... Hydra punishes!” The Soldier's voice was low but held a strength and determination that was unwavering. He lowered his eyes to the floor and bit his lip, before closing his eyes against the tears he refused to shed, ignoring the nauseous pit of fear and anxiousness that turned in his stomach. Steve hugged him again and rubbed his back. The Soldier looked up at Steve and felt a desperate need to explain why he had to go away, why he did not deserve their sympathy and compassion. “ You want James Barnes..... You want your friend Bucky........ He wants to be your friend........ I want you to be my Handler,.... I want orders,.... I want mission......I don’t want to think....... don’t want to make choices.....” The Soldier was beginning to choke on his words as his own failure to be human settled heavy on him. His hand gripped Steve’s shirt tight, eyes pleading and wet unshed with tears. “I do not see beauty in the sun set...... The red and orange looks like blood and fire!..... I do not like music.... it is just noise that serves no tactical purpose........I do not understand how to be human..... I have failed!..... I must be punished!...... I must go to sleep...... Please Steve!...... Please!” The Soldier’s tone was half pleading, half demanding, gaze intense and jaw locked as he breathed heavy with angry snorts and trembling tension in his muscles. 

Steve looked at his friend with heart break then toward the other’s who looked upon the Soldier with sympathy and sadness. Clint sighed and shook his head as Nat moved to sit behind the Soldier and leaned her weight gently and reassuringly on his ridged back, listening to the frantic breaths that escaped his panicked chest.

“What do I do Sam..... How can I help him?” Steve’s voice was small and shaking, eyes wet as he looked from the broken man before him, head hung in defeat, up to the calm face of the Falcon who offered a small smile.

“We can bring in a specialist,..... Hypnotherapy has been identified as a useful therapy..... We need to get inside his head and facilitate the switch to help Bucky take over control from the Soldier.” Sam proposed.

“I think I know the perfect man for the job,..... He can get right in there up close and personal.” Natasha spoke softly as she rubbed the distressed Soldier's back. 

“Wait.... you calling in the big guns?” Clint asked with amusement.

“Don’t see why not....... Besides Wolverine owes me a favor anyway and the Professor is always willing to help someone in pain, Mutant or not!” Natasha reasoned and Clint nodded.  
“That is actually an excellent idea Natasha, we should have reached out to him a month ago!” Bruce stated his agreement.

“Who’s the Professor?” Sam questioned, unfamiliar with the world of super heroes and their many allies.

“Professor Charles Xavier.” Natasha answered as she again gently rubbed the Soldier's back who was hunched over now, head hung resting in his palms as he focused on breathing calmly and not becoming overwhelmed by others... The Captain was stroking his hair with worried eyes and a tense frown. “He’s the worlds most powerful Telepath,..... He can bridge the Astral Plan, travel through the different level’s of consciousness, block off certain memories, access others......” She looked up with a smirk. “Wolverine told me once that the Professor threatened to make him believe he was a six year old girl!” She grinned as Clint choked on a harsh laugh right as he ate a pretzel.

“You think he can,,,,,, and will help Bucky?” Steve questioned with an unsure tone. “He’s a mutant right?” Steve was still catching up on all the new terms and conditions of society and the attitudes that people held towards others gifted with power from birth.

“The Professor is a great guy....... Kinda the Martin Luther King for the mutant cause.” Clint stated as he gently nudged the Soldier who slowly sat up with a tired and worn out expression, eyes glancing at the chocolate covered pretzel in Clint’s hand and accepting it with a nod of thanks.

“Martin Luther King was........ The guy who lead the Civil rights movement correct?” Steve asked patting the Soldier's back as he ate the pretzel and then reached for another one deciding it was good.

“Man!..... Sometimes I forget how much stuff you missed out on!..... Remind me to never play trivia with you!” Sam joked as Natasha stood up and took out her phone. She walked away as she made the phone call, speaking to a man she called Logan.   
The others continued to talk jokingly about how much Steve and Bucky both would need to catch up to be culturally aware while Natasha handled the logistics. She came back to the group who were now fondly watching as the Soldier decimated the entire bag of chocolate pretzels with wide eyes as he chewed and swallowed, licking his lips with a serious expression.

“The Professor is on a trip to Muir Island with Doctor McCoy,...... They will come here in the evening of the day after tomorrow and meet with the Soldier.” She paused for a moment and shifted her stance in thought.

“Who else is coming?” Clint questioned as he read her expression.

“Wolverine wants to come as a...... precaution...... He says that he met the Soldier before,........ on a mission in the 80’s.” Natasha rubbed her smooth lips in thought as Banner shifted uncomfortably.

“Did you tell him his current condition?..... That he was not a threat?” Bruce asked with a heavy sigh, all to aware of the strike first ask questions later mentality of the fierce mutant fighter. She nodded in confirmation but her eyes communicated her own concern. Steve looked at the two Avenger’s silent communication and grew tense again.

“Is this Wolverine guy a threat to Bucky?..... If he has some kind of history with the Soldier will he try to hurt him?” Steve’s voice held a serious tone that promised he would respond violently to protect his friend.

“No......Not unless the Soldier tries to hurt him or the other X-Men,......Wolverine has been used as a weapon before too, was trained and treated like an animal.... has all kinds of memory issues........He will probably be sympathetic....... But...” Clint surmised and then looked at Natasha with a knowing shrug.

“He might trigger a memory,.....and then The Soldier could act out with out intention if he felt threatened.” Sam proposed and the others nodded in agreement.  
Natasha offered a light smile. “Wolverine can take anything the Soldier throughs at him and as long as he’s properly warned, he will keep his claws out of it!” She offered.

“Claws?” Captain America spoke with growing concern and received amused looks from his friends.

“It’s all good Cap!....... Wolverine might be rough around the edges but he’s a stand up guy,..... I have run missions with him before and he’s always had my back!” Hawk Eye reassured and Steve nodded but the concern did not leave his eyes. Natasha crouched down in front of the Soldier who was finishing the last pretzel, his eyes still large and wet but no tears had fallen and he resembled a pouting child.

“Well Soldier,........We have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to celebrate your bravery and honesty before you go to sleep..... I think we should make the most of it!” Natasha offered in a gentle voice as she stroked the hair out of his eyes. She looked up at Steve who forced a sad smile and nodded in agreement. The Winter Soldier might not be his long lost best friend but he deserved to be happy and Steve was determined to make that happen.


	26. Hopeless Wanderer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is one scene in here that is a bit cheesy but whatever. I left it in anyway.

MUMFORD & SONS LYRICS

"Hopeless Wanderer"

You heard my voice I came out of the woods by choice  
Shelter also gave their shade  
But in the dark I have no name

So leave that click in my head  
And I will remember the words that you said  
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart  
But I was sure we could see a new start

So when your hope's on fire  
But you know your desire  
Don't hold a glass over the flame  
Don't let your heart grow cold  
I will call you by name  
I will share your road

But hold me fast, Hold me fast  
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer  
And hold me fast, Hold me fast  
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

I wrestled long with my youth  
We tried so hard to live in the truth  
But do not tell me all is fine  
When I lose my head, I lose my spine

So leave that click in my head  
And I won't remember the words that you said  
You brought me out from the cold  
Now, how I long, how I long to grow old

So when your hope's on fire  
But you know your desire  
Don't hold a glass over the flame  
Don't let your heart grow cold  
I will call you by name  
I will share your road

But hold me fast, Hold me fast  
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer  
And hold me fast, Hold me fast  
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer  
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under  
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under

It had been an eventful 48 hours as the Avenger’s each spent time with the Soldier helping him to experience and enjoy his last waking hours of life as more then a weapon. He had still suffered flash backs and they opted to keep him out of public but still wanted to get him out of the tower. That evening when Tony had arrived home with Pepper he had announced after learning about the most recent turn of events, that he would fly them all out to his large villa in the Cayman Islands complete with private beach the following day. 

The Soldier had maintained his pensive expression as he stood in swim shorts at the edge of the beach while the others beckoned him in. He followed their example taking slow steps into the water. Eventually he began to enjoy the feel of the waves and took some interest in the tropical fish, offering a slight smile before the day was through. Natasha and Steve helped him make a Sand castle and despite the lack of purpose, it was something tactile and proved engaging. Steve wrapped an arm around the Soldier when he saw the look of sadness decorate his face as they watched the waves crash over the sand fortress and wipe it away forever. The Soldier swallowed and looked down as he once more heard James Barnes in his head. I need to wake up. 

That evening they ate a variety of cuisine and seafood in small plate fashion so that the Soldier had a chance to try as many different flavors as possible. After dinner the Avengers spent the night out under the stars and Tony begrudgingly let Steve pick the music. They had an open fire pit and Hawk Eye and Falcon rosted marshmallows as Natasha asked The Soldier to dance with her. Pepper grabbed Tony and the others smiled and laughed as The Winter Soldier stiffly and awkwardly tried to mimic the other couple’s moves with Natasha all the while mindful of her healing injuires.

“He’s so fluid when he fights you’d think he’d be a better dancer.” Clint laughed.

“Just wait........ Bucky loved dancing!...... When he wakes up he’ll be Lindy Hopping and Jitterbuging all over the place!” Steve chuckled to the Archer, Sam and Banner as they watched with amusement as the Soldier continued to concentrate with a serious scowl as he awkwardly spun Natasha. It was a good day, a good night and The Soldier knew with out a doubt that he would miss The Avengers and he would miss his Handler most of all.

The Soldier lay awake in the hammock staring up at the stars. He had requested to sleep outside that night and was obliged as long as Steve could remain near by. He glanced over toward the sleeping form of Captain America who was sprawled out on a padded reclining deck chair, soft snoring barley audible above the sound of waves crashing on the beach. The Soldier turned back toward the open sky and thought about what it would mean to give up control to Barnes, what it would be like to sleep and only interact during the world of dreams, forever existing as a background echo in the mind of Sergeant Barnes just as that man was to him now.   
Despite his sadness about no longer living in the real world he thought that perhaps now that he knew good and bad, wrong and right, he could make up for the pain and death he had inflicted by protecting Barnes from their shared nightmares. Since the night Hydra had attacked, his nightmares had changed and he knew Barns was responsible. He would start off in a terrible memory, rife with blood and pain and then suddenly, he would see the Sergeant who would take his hand and bring him to a different memory, one that he had never lived. He would get glimpse of Bucky’s unconscious world, of the faces of loved ones and friends, of childhood, of intimate moments with red liped girls. Barns was the one living in those fragmented dreams, the Soldier only an observer, an outsider looking in but it was much preferred to the painful and cold world of Hydra, of his own tormented life. 

The Soldier did not sleep that night, eyes fixed on the heavens above, watching as the sky grew lighter, the stars fading as the sun broke over the horizon. The Soldier bared witness as the night give way to day, to his last day and despite his inability to appreciate beauty, the finality of the moment gripped his heart and tears blurred his vision. He sat up and swung his body out of the Hammock, walking with silent steps over to his Handler staring down at the face of the man that had shown him what kindness was and told him he was not just a weapon to be used. He gazed down at Steve’s face and he swallowed back his grief at loosing his connection to this man, the one who promised no more pain when that was all he had ever known before. Steve opened groggy eyes as he looked up with a sleepy smile at the Soldier.

“Morning Pal!” Steve yawned. He had been making a conscious effort not to use the name Bucky now that he understood the effect it had on the Soldier, of the feeling of falseness and disappointment. He sat up and his smile faltered as he looked into the wet eyes of the Winter Soldier who looked back at Steve with a trembling pout. Steve sighed and reached for the Soldier’s hand, pulling him to sit on the chair, in-between his legs, warping his arms around the distraught and tragic figure as the Soldier leaned back against his chest. They sat silently as the sun rose, and Steve cradled his friend, resting his chin on top of the Soldier's head as they both stared out at the steady tide of waves. Rogers' hummed a soft tune as one hand stroked the Soldier's hair.

The sun was up in the sky when Sam walked out onto the large deck and found the two Super Soldier’s sharing the chair, eyes fixed on the distant horizon. Steve turned toward Sam with a sad smile, eyes communicating the fact that the Soldier was in need of comfort, the finality of the impending evening drawling closer. Sam walked over and took a seat next to them, eyes glancing over the heavy eyed Soldier.

“How’d you sleep out here?” Sam asked Steve as he looked up at the Captain who gave a little shrug, arms still wrapped around the torso of the Soldier.

“Alright,....... I don’t think he did though....... He’s got a lot on his mind I guess.” Steve sighed and Sam nodded.

“I will go to sleep soon,....... Bucky will wake up,.....” The Soldier spoke in a raspy whisper as he swallowed again, eyes remaining on the rise and fall of the ocean as he let out a heavy sigh. “Want to........ live....... remember........ life...... with out pain,..... with out orders to hurt and kill....... Want to keep this.....” The Soldier closed his eyes against the tears, jaw locked and fist clenched. Steve held him tighter and kissed the top of his head. As Sam reached for ward and held his flesh hand in comfort.

“Wakey, Wakey... Eggs and Bake-y!” Stark’s voice sounded as he walked out onto the Deck followed by Pepper who smiled warmly toward the other three, eyes soft and understanding as she took in the child like ex-assassin.

“Tony and I were talking and he had mentioned how important touch has been for the Soldier,.... how he responded to it and the comfort it provided...... I was thinking maybe he would like a full body massage from one of the professional masseuses on the island before we head back to New York.” Pepper offered as she leaned against Tony who shrugged looking at the Captain. Steve thought about it then looked down at the Soldier before glancing back up at Pepper.

“How do you think they would react to his arm?” Steve questioned and Tony shrugged again.

“We have this great place on the other side of the island, they come out here and have always been professional,..... never really acted weird about my arc reactor.” Tony stated as he knocked on his chest. “Besides I know I am getting one, Pepper’s all about it and I am guessing the others could use a little spa treatment as well,...... help us all relax...... been kinda of a stressful six weeks!” Tony rubbed his goatee and Steve nodded in agreement.

“Sure,....... I guess as long as I can stay with him,........ just in case.” Steve stated as he hugged the Soldier again who had not seem to register the topic of conversation, eyes still staring straight ahead, mind distant.. “Hey Soldier, will you be okay if some people come here to give massages,..... make your body feel good,..... muscles relaxed?” Steve asked gently as he moved his body and guided the Soldier to sit upright, using his hands to gently kneed his shoulders and between his shoulder blades. “Like this,........only better.....” Steve explained and the Soldier closed his eyes, expression focused on the sensation of tense muscles being worked. He nodded once and his voice spoke with a raspy whisper.

“I will be good,...... I will not hurt others........Touch can feel good,..... no more pain.” The Soldier opened his eyes and nodded again as he faced Steve, eyes dry and expression tired but calm. Steve smiled and pat him on the back. The others turned as Bruce stepped out onto the deck with a smile.

“I’ve made breakfast,........ I would hurry since Natasha is having difficulty keeping Clint from devouring all of the bacon!” Banner mused as from inside they could hear the sounds of a scuffle and Clint complain.

“I swear to God it’s like running a daycare center for super heroes, spies and assassins!....... If only people knew the truth behind the World’s most mighty heroes!” Tony sighed as he walked toward the door following Banner inside. “Hey Kids!...... No rough housing inside of Uncle Tony’s awesome beach house!” Stark scolded with an annoyed sigh. Pepper rolled her eyes and followed as Steve and Sam guided the ex-assassin up and toward the Kitchen, the Soldier quiet with introspection.

...............................................................................................................

The morning passed by with playful banter and extra bacon. The Soldier sat quietly at the table as he ate the food and offered shy smiles as he listened to the interactions of the Avengers. After an easy and relaxed stretch of silence, the Soldier spoke, voice soft and inquisitive.

“Is this..........family?” He asked as his eyes glanced around at the faces who seemed to radiate happiness and contentment.  
“Pretty much as close to it as some of us have ever known!” Clint nodded with a smile. Steve rest a hand on the Soldier’s back with a gentle smile and was met by a thoughtful expression and a curl of the man’s lips.

“Family is Good,......More then Team.....Family is.....love!” The Soldier offered, feeling a desire to share his thoughts even if they were simplistic and obvious.

“Thats right Soldier,...... and love is more powerful then hate...... that is why love wins when faced with hate.” Pepper chimed in with an easy smile. The Soldier nodded once in agreement and then picked up a piece of bacon and looked at Steve, eyes communicating his uncertainty.

“I......Love...... Bacon?” He asked as he took a bite. He stopped chewing in surprise as the gathered Avengers began to laugh, completely taken off guard by his innocent declaration. Steve shook his head and ruffled his hair.  
“Yes....... I think we all love Bacon!” Steve smiled with genuine amusement and joy, filling the Solider with a sense of pride and accomplishment. On instinct he handed the rest of his piece to Steve who grinned and took a bite then handed it back.

“But the real question is does Bacon love us!” Stark mused with a cocked eye brow as Natasha and Pepper rolled their eyes and the men smirked. Instantly the Soldier frowned and looked down pondering the question and the context.

“Ohhh,... now look!.... Come on Tony,... you’ll get him all confused and worked up!” Pepper whacked Starks arm with disapproval.

“Don’t listen to him Soldier!...... Bacon does love you!....... So much that it gave up it’s life so we could eat it!” Clint chuckled and snagged another strip munching down. The Soldier cocked his head to the side in thought at Clint’s statement.

“I ....... think....... I love Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,...... I am giving up my life so he can live......” He held up the half eaten strip of bacon with a determined nod and a look of certainty. “I am like Bacon!” He stated with determination as he shoved the rest of the piece in his mouth and chewed, his response receiving another round of chuckles and Steve leaned in pressing their heads together with a muffled laugh! He couldn’t be certain but he thought that perhaps inside his shared mind he could hear Bucky laughing too and a sense of relief and determination washed over him. The Soldier had found his purpose at last. To bring back James Barnes and reunite him with his best friend Steve Rogers, a friendship that had stood the test of time.  
........................................................................................................................

The Soldier lay on a padded massage table with his eyes half closed and focused on the sensation of his muscles loosening and the warm stones that had been placed on his back. He smiled back at Steve who lay a few feet away looking equally content as his masseuse hovered over him. The Soldier listened to the tranquil music, the sounds of the waves crashing and the occasional moans and groans from the multiple Avenger’s, each laying on their own table with a professional masseuse administering specialized massages that targeted where their bodies carried the most stress.   
The Soldier closed his eyes as he thought for not the first time just how glad he was to have escaped Hydra and how Thankful he was that he could taste the sweetness of life, even if only for the moment. He held on to the feeling and sighed happily as the masseuse once more targeted the areas that had only a week ago been absorbed with pain. The Soldier had never felt pride before now but he knew that fighting back against Hydra was the right thing to do, despite the conditioning that had demanded other wise. Even if he was not Bucky, he was certainly no longer a weapon and for that fact alone he was tremendously grateful. When the time came..... he would be ready to surrender consciousness to James Barnes, knowing that doing the right thing would offered the solace and peace of mind he so desperately sought.


	27. Lay 'Em Down

"Lay 'Em Down"   
The Outsiders.  
Come down to the river Come and let yourself in Make good on a promise To never hurt again If you're lost and lonely You're broken down Bring all of your troubles Come lay 'em down  
All you sinners And the weak at heart All you helpless On the boulevard Wherever you are now Whatever evil you've found Bring all of your troubles come lay 'em down  
We're all tied to the same old failings Finding shelter in things we know We're all dirty like corrupted small towns Bring our troubles Bring our troubles And Lay 'em down  
All you rich men And the high above All those with and without love All you burdened, broken down Bring all of your troubles Come lay 'em down Come lay 'em down Come lay 'em down Come lay 'em down  
Come all you burdened Come all you helpless Bring all your troubles Just lay 'em down  
Come all you broken Come all you helpless Bring all your troubles Just lay 'em down  
Come lay 'em down

 

The Soldier stood on the balcony connected to the common room in the Avenger’s tower. The sun hung low in the sky and he closed his eyes as he let the evening breeze caress his face. He and the Avenger’s had arrived back at the tower less then an hour ago after a leisurely morning at the beach complete with hour long massages. He knew his time was drawling to an end and he sighed, swallowing down his disappointment as the ever present voice of Sergeant Barnes reminded him of his promise to step down and let the forgotten consciousness take control. He looked up as Natasha casually joined him on the balcony, a soft smile as she looked out over the city. She spoke to him in a soft, gentle tone, her Russian whispered but pronounced.

“It is good you are letting Barnes wake up,..... Steve really needs him and he has been kept silent for too long...... But....” She turned and faced the consciousness known as the Winter Soldier. “I am glad that you have been with us,..... that you have been able to know what it is to be human!” The Black Widow smiled at him and caressed his face as he leaned in, and rest his forehead on her Shoulder, arms hugging himself against the chill that ran down his spine. They remained in the comforting embrace for some time until the Soldier pulled away and looked at her with a sad but determined expression.

“I have done bad,....... hurt so many,........killed........I know I need to go away,...... but,........ I am......I don’t........I want to live,....... but I can’t!” The Soldier stammered and he looked back at the horizon as he sighed. “I am tired,...... and I can not be a person,..... cannot be a whole man,...... I am ready to rest, but I........... I am afraid.....” The Soldier hung his head and looked away with a sense of shame. Natasha stroked his face with an understanding smile.

“You will never go away,...... you will rest but you will be there,..... in the shadows of his mind,..... you have helped Barnes survive by taking on so much of the pain during programing and conditioning. You are a hero for helping him survive. We all thank you!” She offered with a patient sigh. They both turned as the already present Avengers were joined by three new arrivals from another team of heroes. Natasha took The Soldier's hand and guided him inside.

The Soldier took slow, cautious steps as he studied the strangers who were exchanging introductions and greetings with the Avengers. There was a bald, older man in a strange, high-tech wheel chair that Stark was talking with as he admired the device. Another man, or rather, creature appeared next to him, big and covered in blue fur like an animal yet he was in a tailored suite and glasses. The Blue Beast man was in a conversation with Dr, Banner who seemed very interested in what he had to say. Sam and Steve hovered near by and spoke to each other in hushed tones as they glanced at the Soldier and Natasha and then over to the third man who was speaking with Clint. Hawk Eye laughed and patted the muscular man on the back as the other shook his head with a snicker. The Soldier’s eyes fixed on the man who wore a plaid shirt and had thick side burns and a cigar in his mouth. There was something familiar about his face and it reminded the Soldier of a wolf as glimpses of pine trees and the shine of metal claws flashed through his minds eye with a flash of pain. He stopped, grabbing his head before stiffening as he narrowed his eyes on the man’s face. His entrance and abrupt stop drew the attention of the room and the wolf man met his gaze with his own steady look of recognition and wariness.

The friendly banter stopped as a sudden tension filled the air. The Wolf man took a few casual steps forward and in response the Soldier released Natasha’s hand and stepped back, body ridged and fists clenched as he lowered his head with a menacing glare.  
“Logan!” The man in the wheel chair called to the advancing man who slowed down but kept his gaze steady. The Captain was instantly between them next to Natasha as they both held up arms to calm the situation.  
“Wolverine,...... take it easy,...... he gets flashes of memory and feelings that go with it,.... don’t antagonize him!” Natasha warned in a stern voice.

“Soldier, it’s okay,...... he is not here to hurt you.” Steve spoke to the Ex-assassin who looked at the X-Man with lethal intent.

“Not gonna provoke yer Tin Soldier Darlin’,...... But I can tell he remembers me, don’t ya Bub?” Wolverine spoke with a calm and steady voice as he took a step back and crossed his arms, studying the Soldier.

“You,...... have claws.” The Soldier stated as he took a step forward and Steve placed a hand on his chest to stop his momentum.

“Yup,...... wanna see ‘em?” Wolverine grinned, a farrel look in his eyes as he raised a fist and let three razor sharp claws slide out of his fist slowly. Steve turned toward the X-Man with wide eyes and was taken off guard when he was suddenly pushed to the side by the Soldier who advanced closing distance to the Mutant. Natasha turned toward him and stood firm between the two battle ready men, keeping her tone calm and neutral.

“Soldier,.... What ever you remember,.... he is not here to fight you!..... Are you Wolverine?” Natasha turned back to the Mutant and fixed him with a stern look. He snickered and with drew the claws taking another step back.

“Nah Darlin’!...... I got too many enemies as is...... Besides,.... “ The Man named Logan looked back at the Soldier with a thoughtful nod as he looked him over once more then took the cigar from his mouth, his eyes locking with The Soldier’s, a stare that communicated a depth of pain and understanding that the latter had not expected. “I know what it’s like to have yer memories messed with,...... treated like an animal, trained to kill and then sent on missions..... We got a lot in common kid,.... more then you know.” Wolverine nodded and took another step back hands raised to show he was backing off. The Soldier’s body shifted, eyes pensive and curious.

“I heard about you and Cap during the war,....... I age real slow,.... got a healing power myself.......I respected the both of ya sacrificing yourselves and fighting against Hydra.” Wolverine nodded respectfully to Captain Rogers who nodded back, still on edge and standing directly behind his friend with one hand on his shoulder.

“If I had known that it was Sergeant Bucky Barnes behind that mask when we spared back then,.... Would have thought twice before I tried to take you down.” Wolverine stated as a way of apology as he shrugged. The Soldier closed his eyes and stumbled as a rush of memory ripped through his mind. When he opened his eyes back up he was panting on his knees, Steve at his side holding onto him and the Doctor hovering near by. The Soldier looked up at the circle of concerned faces, close by but back enough to give him space. His eyes landed on the man called Logan who watched him with caution but no longer animosity.

“You were with my mission,........Knew I was there,........tracked me down after,......... in....... the woods?” The Soldier stuttered with pained remembrance as the head ache throbbed behind his questioning eyes. Wolverine nodded slowly as he studied the kneeling man a few feet away from him, his eyes thoughtful and a look of compassion crossed his face.

“Yea,....... We were in Finland. I could tell something was up but it was too late....Was freelancing as a Body Guard, got hired to protect some egg head Scientist who was on Hydra’s shit list. You got em’ right between the eyes from must have been over two miles away!..... Couldn’t believe it!” Wolverine spoke honestly with a nod that he was impressed. “Tracked you down about six hours later, ten miles away in a clearing just outside of the woods..... You were just standing there,.... not moving.” Logan stated as he thought back on the memory.

“I was at the Rendezvous point,....... Hydra was late,...... My orders were to wait until the Strike team came for me.” The Soldier answered as he stared at the ground, shoulder’s slumped, and breathing slowing down. “We fought.” He looked up at Wolverine with his lost eyes, his voice distant and unsure. He was answered by another nod.

“Yea,... we did,......You almost crushed my throat with that metal hand.” Logan offered.

“But then you cut it off.” The Soldier stated as he lifted the artificial limb and flexed the finger’s studying it. Logan chuckled as he nodded again.

“Didn’t really help me any since you just screamed like a mad man and then stuck a knife in my eye..... Took me out for a few and when I came to you were gone.” Wolverine mused as he looked at the deadly assassin who now just appeared to be a young, confused war vet, expression painful as he brought the metal limb protect-fully to his chest.

“My Handler was mad that I let the arm get damaged........ I was punished.” The Soldier stated and he instinctually leaned into Steve who wrapped one arm tight around his shoulders as if he could protect him from the memory.

“I am sorry to hear that kid.” Logan sighed and it was obvious that he meant it. He looked at Natasha and Clint who exchanged knowing looks and nods as they too felt differently toward the Hydra Assassin upon understanding his lack of choice and his forced servitude.

“Do all of his recovered memories cause him physical pain when remembering?” The Professor spoke as he looked upon the Soldier with compassionate understanding.

“Yes,.....for the most part,..... some cause more sever reactions then others. I believe it’s the result of the nuro transmitters reconnecting pathways that were burned from the repetitive ECT.” Banner offered.

“Based on the files you sent us and the electrical patterns of his brain images, I would conquer with you Dr. Banner,...... But there is no physiological reason for his lack of memory prior to his time with Hydra,...... and I suppose that is why you requested the Professor's help.” Dr. McCoy, the Blue Beast, stated with a nod to Banner.

“We think that based on what he has told us,..... the repeated trauma of the ECT burned the connections he had to his former life and Hydra forged a new personality of the Soldier,...... preventing Barnes from taking control..... Basically an extreme case of Dissociative Personally Disorder,... Only we aren't sure how to help him switch back.” Sam explained and received a nod from the Professor who moved closer to Bucky with intrigue. The Soldier looked up at him and pressed himself further into Steve’s embrace, eyes wide and fearful.

“Do not be afraid young man,....... I am here to help you.”” Professor Xavier offered with a kind smile and understanding eyes. The Soldier remained pressed against his Handler who was rubbing his back reassuringly. “I have a special gift that allows me to enter a person’s mind and help them with their memories.” The Professor explained. *I will not harm you, You have nothing to fear.* Xavier projected his thought into the Soldier’s mind as the former weapon let out a gasp, his eyes growing in shock.

“It’s okay,.....Breath!” The Captain commanded as he held the distressed man closely. The Soldier looked imploringly at The Professor and shaking slightly, he inched forward away from Steve until he was kneeling in front of the man in the wheel chair’s feet. With desperate, pain filled eyes he looked at the older man, unable to voice his questions as his bottom lip trembled. The Professor smiled at him with compassion and brought one hand out to cup his cheek, a gesture he knew was comforting for the Soldier, having already scanned his mind.  
*I know you are afraid Soldier,..... You do not want to be imprisoned any longer. But you also know that Sergeant Barnes is not yet strong enough to accept you as part of him. You both must remain separate for now. You will not be locked away,...... We will put you to rest and when the Sergeant slumber’s you will be able to help him, protect him from Hydra as you have done while awake....... As promised,...... No More Pain. You have suffered for too long, and deserve to rest in peace.* The Professor communicated silently through telepathy and received a look of gratefulness and a strangled sigh from the Soldier who leaned forward and rest his forehead on the man’s thigh as he mumbled, “Thank You.” with a trembled breath.  
Steve watched the interaction intently and then looked at the other’s with confusion as he slowly he stood up. He opened his mouth to ask what had happened but was answered as the Professor looked up at him while resting a gentle hand on the back of his friend’s head.

* It is alright Captain Roger’s,.....We will help your friend reclaim his true self while allowing the Soldier to rest with out pain or discomfort. Together we will enter his mind and will locate Sergeant Barnes. You will be his guide back to the light. I will show you how.* Steve jumped back as he touched his head, eyes wide as he looked at the Professor in shock, mouth open.

“It’s kinda weird right?....... Freaked me out the first time too!” Clint smirked as he pat Steve on the back, well aware of what had just transpired.

“No Kidding!” Wolverine snickered as he nodded in agreement. Stark looked at Sam who both exchanged looks of confusion.

“Mind telling us what the hell just happened?” Ironman asked with open hands.

“The Professor just spoke with them both telepathically,.... that is how he is going to help Barnes,.... by going inside his head.” Natasha explained.

*I have just reassured The Soldier that he has nothing to fear and he will not be made to suffer........ Now if you would be so kind as to show us where we can begin this process,.... a place where he can lay down and Captain Rogers' and my self can sit next to him.* The Professor projected his thoughts to the room at large as he gently stroked the Soldier’s head that remained in his lap. Sam and Stark both jumped at the initial sound of the voice within their minds and received chuckles from the others and a shake of the head from Steve who was still bewildered by the experience wile the X-Men and the rest of the Avengers had interacted with the Professor's mental communication before. Steve looked down at The Soldier and despite his uncertainty he was ready to try whatever it took to get his friend back.


	28. Think of Me,..... It's Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ya’ll this is it! The last official chapter! There is one more short Chapter that is a displaced scene from the Soilder’s past that will be mentioned in the next story dealing with the trauma he experienced at the hands of the Russian Hydra before he was transferred to America. It features a younger Rumlow. The sequel is longer then this by just a few chapters and is called, “To be the man that I am…Bucky’s recovery.” The story will be focused on James Bucky Barnes and his struggles to maintain sanity after all the terrible trauma of Hydra as well as a very public Trial and interaction with SHEILD. The next story will follow this current story line and take off immediately after this Chapter ends.. Anywho,... hope I do this story justice!!!

Think Of Me  
Phantom Of The Opera  
Think of me, think of me fondly When we've said goodbye Remember me once in a while Please promise me, you'll try  
When you find that once again you long To take your heart back and be free If you ever find a moment Spare a thought for me

 

IMAGINE DRAGONS LYRICS

"It's Time"

So this is what you meant  
When you said that you were spent  
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit  
Right to the top  
Don't hold back  
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain-check

I don't ever wanna let you down  
I don't ever wanna leave this town  
'Cause after all  
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?  
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit  
I'm just the same as I was  
Now don't you understand  
That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell  
And I am left to sell  
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell  
Right to the top  
Don't look back  
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain-check

I don't ever wanna let you down  
I don't ever wanna leave this town  
'Cause after all  
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?  
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit  
I'm just the same as I was  
Now don't you understand  
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?  
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit  
I'm just the same as I was  
Now don't you understand  
That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely  
This house doesn't burn down slowly  
To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?  
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit  
I'm just the same as I was  
Now don't you understand  
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?  
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit  
I'm just the same as I was  
Don't you understand  
That I'm never changing who I am

Ch. 28

The Soldier lay stiffly upon the padded exam table in a mostly empty room. It was the same recovery room he had awoken in after Hydra’s attack and the cooled gel pad was soothing and relaxing on his tense muscles. He was breathing rapidly as his eyes locked on Steve who took a seat to his right, taking hold of his flesh hand and keeping his even gaze with a soft, comforting smile, as he began whispering reassurances. The others were there too, Avengers and the three other men, who all stood back giving them space. After a moment or two when the Soldier's breathing had evened out, The Professor came closer, positioned behind him as Doctor Mc Coy helped him place a helmet on the telepaths head they called Cerebro.

“It’s okay,...... I got ya pal,......this wont hurt!..... No more pain!” Steve spoke with an emotional whisper as he brought a thumb up and wiped a single tear from the Soldier’s wet eyes. The Soldier did not look away from his Handler as Doctor Banner gently placed some electrodes on his bare chest to measure his heart rate before stepping back a few feet with a nod to the others.

“You have been a good Handler Steve,..... I am sorry I am not your friend,..... I am sorry that I have kept him away........Thank you for showing me what life is like..... what being a person is like...... Thank you for teaching me to be good!” The Soldier’s tone was low and hushed, holding back a tidal wave of emotion that he swallowed down as he turned away and blinked back his tears before closing his eyes with a heavy, resigned sigh.  
“Captain Rogers,..... shall we began?” The Professor asked Steve who rubbed his eyes as he stifled a choked moan from deep in his chest. He looked up at the Professor with a determined nod despite the wet sheen of his saddened eyes, expression regretful and hopeful all at once. “Close your eyes,...... and let my voice guide you.” Xavier stated with a sympathetic look. 

* Just relax Steve,..... let your mind be guided as we enter the Soldier’s unconsciousness and remember,....... whatever you see is only in his head, the people we encounter and the images of his fractured memory, no matter how horrific, are all from moments past,..... they can not harm you so do not fight against them.* 

Steve felt his mind drift away from his body, the sound of the beeping from Bruce’s medical equipment fading as the sound of his own breathing became the only noise. Everything was dark at first and he felt as through he was floating, moving with out seeing. Then there was a light as if he was in a dark tunnel and he felt himself being pulled toward it at a slow, easy pace. The lack of control was unnerving and he tried to make sense of the disembodied feeling when again he heard the Professors voice and then saw him next to him, floating in the darkness.

*Do not fight it Captain Rogers,..... just allow your self to drift through into the unconscious mind of the Winter Soldier ..... a mind that has been manipulated for almost a century,..... A mind that is confused and entrenched with pain and half remembered pieces of a past that will no doubt feel overwhelmingly real. Focus on the goal and do not get distracted by the pain.*

Steve wanted to answer but in a flash was surrounded completely by the white light, bright and cold and biting. He gasped as he suddenly found himself standing in his old uniform, shield at his side in a ravine of white snow and steep cliffs. He looked around in surprise then over to the Professor who was standing as well in a warm jacket, their breath visible in the late evening air. The Professor was looking off to one side with intrigue and as Steve followed his gaze he saw the trail of dark red on the frozen landscape. Steve moved quickly toward it with wide eyes.  
*Do you know this place Captain Rogers?* The Professor asked with a calm and controlled tone as Steve stared hard at the bloody trail with an anguished look before glancing around and then up to the distant roar of a train on tracks far above.

*This,.....This is where he fell,..... where he must have lost his arm and they found him.* Steve’s voice was a pained whisper as his breath felt tight in his chest. The Professor nodded before placing a hand on his shoulder.

*Then this is where the two consciousness overlap,........we must follow this trail and understand that what you see will no doubt be distorted and confused, pieces of broken memory out of place and time,.... dreams, delusions and shadows of his fears, conditioning and programing made real by the unconscious mind.*

Steve nodded and swallowed down his own trepidation as together they followed the bloody trail, the snow crunching bellow their foot steps. As soon as they turned around a pine tree the men instantly found them selves in a long, cold corridor, made of cement with flickering florescent lights, the trail of blood still wet and slick. They could hear the sound of screaming, of desperate agony and un relenting pain that seemed to echo off the walls and vibrate into their chests.  
*BUCKY!” Steve shouted and began to run but was stopped by the Professor who stood fast before him with patient eyes and a strength that seemed to take command of the situation,

*We must not run, we must move slowly and with caution,.....Despite the fact that The Soldier has allowed us access into this mind, we are still intruders, foreign and unknown presences and our search for your friend may become more difficult in this labyrinth of two consciousness battling for dominance if we do not follow their lead.... watch for the signs that will show us the way.* Steve’s eyes were desperate as he struggled to control his emotions. He nodded and let out a sigh as he hung his head before standing taller with a determined expression. When he looked back up he was surprised to see the landscape changed yet again.   
They were on a battle field, bodies lay all around them, blank expressions and the orange glint of fire and smoke assaulted their senses. Amongst the dead stood a loan figure before them, a dark silhouette of a hunched man, staggering through the brunt earth, a riffle slung over his metal shoulder. Slowly the Professor and Captain America approached the haggard image of the Winter Soldier who did not seem to see them, his vacant expression and dead eyes unnerving. As they drew close Steve swallowed down a sick feeling as he took in the battle wary Soldier’s appearance. He was covered in filth and blood, the red soaking through his torn combat gear from large slices in his abdomen that Steve recalled seeing the scars from on the Soldier's current body. The man was having difficulty walking, favoring one leg that he had attached a make shift splint too.

A sound, low and garbled came from a near by body, a hand reaching up for help. With no emotion, the Soldier hobbled toward the injured man and with out pause lowered a hand gun from his holster and shot the man in the head point blank. The sound of the gunshot was like a bolt of thunder and it felt like a strike in Steve’s chest as he staggered back with a pained expression. The Professor again rest a hand on The Captain's shoulder before speaking to the dead eyed weapon.

“Soldier,...... show us where Sergeant Barnes is being held?” The Professor spoke with a commanding tone and the Soldier looked up at the two men with a fretful pout as he considered the order. He looked away in thought then up to the sound of an off road vehicle approaching their location. It stopped with the head lights pointed on the Soldier who remained still, head hung. Men in Hydra uniforms got out of the vehicle, a strike team with weapons drawn as they scanned the soundings, paying no attention to Steve or the Professor. They was shouting in Russian and the Soldier' slowly fell to his knees, bringing his arms up behind his head, the movement obviously causing his injuries pain as more blood spilled. Two men approached the Soldier and looked over the deep lacerations and spoke harsh words of reprimand. One agent garbed his hair and yanked it back as he pointed a figure in the Solder's muzzled face and yelled in Russian before back handing him across the face. The Soldier fell forward and more orders were shouted as other operatives hastily grabbed their weapon and half dragged, half carried him to the transport vehicle, handling him with out care or concern for his numerous injuries.

Steve grit his teeth in anger and turned to the Professor, wanting to ask what they should do. Xavier sighed and his eyes communicated his thoughts plainly. They had to be patient, they had to slowly, and carefully drawl the Solider’ away from his hellish memories and dreams and get him to communicate with them. 

In the blink of an eye the scenery change yet again and Steve was staring in anguish at the naked form of the Winter Soldier shivering as Hydra technicians covered his body in white powder, the smell of disinfectant strong. Near by were Hydra guards who snickered and laughed as they pointed at the Soldier who was shaking from the pain of standing and clear exhaustion. After he was covered in the powder that stung his open wounds and pulled a choked cough from his raw throat, one of the guards casually turned on a hose and handed it to a technician who began spraying the Soldier down with icy water. The Soldier closed his eyes and locked his jaw as he trembled with a cry he kept muted. The guards continued to laugh at him as he fought to withstand the cleansing process.

“They were so cruel,..... everything they did!” Steve growled with anger as he looked toward the guards, frustrated that he could not stop the memory. 

“Steve,...... I believe we may have to help free the Soldier and take him away from these memories he is trapped in. The Captain turned to the Professor, prepared to ask how when he saw Xavier point behind him. Steve turned and realized that now they were in a room much like the one he had seen in the recent Hydra base they had invaded. The Soldier was lying in black briefs on a cold metal table, head phones on and blind folded, his body still shivering as a Hydra doctor appeared as a several headed creature, each head had a different face but the largest one in the center was a distorted, bug eyed Dr. Zola, who ginned at the Captain with sharp, pointed teeth. The image was truly frightening and Steve gripped his shield.

“I thought you said I shouldn’t fight the images?” Steve questioned as the figure grew in size, fingers becoming scalpels and syringes just as the Soldier had described in one of his early dreams at the tower.

“The images of the others where simple memories but this,... this monster seems to be more symbolic,.... he represents Hydra’s control over the Soldier and If we can free him and show that the creature can be defeated then he might be able to break out of his current nightmare state.* The Professor offered with a thoughtful and steady look. Steve nodded and started moving toward the Hydra mutation of Zola who towered over the trembling figure of the Soldier. The Doctor hissed like a serpent and ripped the head phones off of the Soldier as well as his blind fold. The Soldier let out a panicked cry before the evil monster jammed both hands of sharp instruments into his torso, twisting as blood gushed out like a wave, knocking Steve off of his feet as he was suddenly being pulled under the river of blood, the cries of his friend amplified as was sadistic laughter from Zola. Steve choked as the taste of the blood seeped into his mouth. He felt a surge of panic before he felt a strong hand grasp his arm and pull him up onto a moss covered bank at the edge of the Potomac. He gasped for air and as he opened his eyes he expected to find the Soldier but instead he was greeted by the stead fast gaze of the Professor who looked to be hardened with determination. 

*He’s close Steve,....... He brought us here, where he pulled you from the water,...... He needs you to save him,....... as he saved you...... His unconscious mind is giving us clues.” The Professor sighed again as he looked around helping Steve to his feet. Both men took in the surroundings before once more seeing the bloody trail that this time lead them into the woods. As they followed, it was obvious that the landscape was ever shifty, from night to day, from pine forests to tropical jungles, to a frosted, deserted woodland with sparse patches of snow. Steve looked up with a determined glare at the sight of a small cement facility that clearly lead to an underground bunker. With each step the two men took they could not help but feel the erie presence of others around them, Hydra agents dressed in black who merged with shadows in the trees and the sound of radio chatter could be heard. As they approached the door where the blood trail lead, they tensed as Steve opened the door into the familiar cement corridor with the flickering lights. They continued to follow the trail of blood that ended at an open doorway, left unguarded. Steve cautiously peered inside and his heart sank in his chest at the truly despicable condition of his friend. The Winter Soldier was naked and cowering in a corner shaking, long hair covering his bruised, bloodied face as his emaciated and weakened body struggled to contain his whimpers of pain and fear.

With slow steps Steve knelt down in front of his battered and severely abused friend who flinched and curled away from him with a mumbled cry.

*Captain...* Steve choked on his own heart ache as he turned and looked up at the Professor who handed him his own coat, sympathy and concern painted on his calm features. Steve nodded and took the coat and then turned back toward the Soldier who was silently crying as he covered his head defensively with his arms exposing his bruised rib cage. His body was decorated with lacerations, burns and bruises, whip lashes from countless beatings. Steve gently wrapped the Soldier in the warm coat and pulled him close into his strong arms. The Soldier's body was tense but did not resist, no fight left in him, his will to fight back completely shattered. Steve used one hand to lift his battered face and stroked the blood and tears away with a trembled sigh.

*Soldier,....... open your eyes,..... I am here to save you....... No More Pain!* Steve whispered to the trembling man who slowly opened the eye that was not swollen shut. His gaze was that same lost and confused look he had when ever he had just came out of a bad dream or memory at the tower. He blinked at the face and then opened his trembling lips.

“S.....SSS... Steve?” His voice was a raw whisper of pain and fear and desperation.

*Yea,....It’s me pal,....... I got you,........ I got you!* Steve could not help but let tears flow from his eyes as the Soldier let out a choked cry as he buried his face in his Handler’s chest, unable to control himself as his body shook with force.

*Let us carry him from here Captain Rogers,..... we must find a safe place in his mind, a place where he can feel strong and secure,..... where his self image will be transformed from this broken state.* The Professor led the way as Steve carried the Soldier wrapped in the jacket just as he had the first night when the Soldier had ran onto his roof and collapsed in agony from his pained memories. As they left the corridor they here no longer in the woods but instead were in The Soldier’s room at the Avenger’s Tower. Steve lay his friend down on the mattress in the middle of the floor and as he removed the Jacket he was relieved to find the Soldier’s body in a healthy, unwounded state.   
The form of the Soldier shifted on the mattress, wearing a pair of grey sweats and a dark blue tee shirt Natasha had told him he looked good in and was subsequently the shirt he chose to ware most often. The familiar sight brought a grateful sigh from the Captain as he sat next to the stirring Soldier who opened his eyes and blinked up at his Handler’s face.

*Hey Soldier,....... It’s okay,....... your safe now,....... we have you.* Steve comforted as he stroked the Soldier's long mess of hair. He leaned into the touch, eyes half massed and filled with exhaustion.

*Am tired Steve,.......Want to rest.* The Soldier pouted as he sighed, curling closer to his Handler.

*I know Pal,....... We are gonna help you rest,......... But first you need to show us where Bucky is....... It’s time for him to wake up.* Steve’s tone was soft and gentle, offering reassurance with a kind smile. The Soldier opened his eyes and swallowed as he nodded in understanding. With slow, sluggish movements, he was helped up to his feet. 

*Will you lead us to Bucky now?* The Professor spoke with calm authority and was answered with a wary nod. The Soldier looked at the two men and then reached his flesh hand out toward Steve who clasped the hand in a firm grip, giving a slight squeeze, offering a tight lip smile. The Soldier lead them forward with steady steps as they left the room and familiar surroundings of the Avenger’s tower. 

They were suddenly on a stare case that seemed to be floating as all around them lightening flashed, streaking red across the backdrop of the mind-cape. Steve looked at the Professor who simply nodded as they began following the Soldier down the stairs, the steps, creaking with old wood. The Soldier's body was stiff, head down as he took each step, avoiding looking up. Steve almost stumbled as he caught a glimpse of a bloody image of pain that was illuminated in the red flashes of lightening.

“Is this The Soldier’s mind or Bucky’s?” Steve asked with a shaky breath.

“This is the space in between, the gap in the consciousness where the two personalities were split through the pain of Electric Shock and chemical manipulation..... These memories are so distorted and pain filled I doubt either consciousness could clam them as their own...... It was here that Hydra buried James Barnes and began the conditioning process to created an obedient, dehumanized, Soldier in his place.” The Professor sighed as they looked upon the Winter Soldier who was visibly shaking once more, trying not to flinch at each bolt of lightening that revealed a buried trauma he had suffered but could not readily recall, the memory eaten away by repetitive electrical current and mind numbing drugs.

At the end of the stair well was yet another door, this one plan and wooden. After a steady knock, the Soldier stood back as slowly the door opened and the men were again blinded by light.

The scenery had shifted and they were instantly in a back ally that Steve recognized. The Captain looked around in recognition and then looked up with a smile as they entered the Brooklyn neighborhood of Red Hook he had grown up in. Steve stopped short as he suddenly saw himself as a young child, bloody noise and slumped shoulders walking past him with a young Bucky Barnes who had his arm wrapped around his friend telling him some stupid joke to help him feel better. Steve’s gaze followed the boys as they round the corner and he was about to follow when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder. He turned toward the Soldier who said nothing, head hung as he pointed to a bar across the street.

“Wow!....... Sunny’s......That was the first bar we ever went to!....... Buck’s dad brought us here when we where sixteen and got us drunk on Bourbon..... Use to be a speakeasy during prohibition!” Steve smiled with fondness.

“I believe this may be where we can find the persona of your Friend, the idealized self of his memory who will be able to bring us to his present consciousness.” The Professor mused. Steve was not sure he completely understood but nodded and walked toward the bar with the Professor and the Soldier trailing behind.  
As they entered the bar there was a loud chorus of voices singing, the Howling Commando's gathered around the table drinking cheerfully. Steve’s grin spread like wild fire as for just a moment he forgot where he was and felt the immediate desire to join his long lost comrades. He stepped threw the door way and instantly the men turned toward him with warm smiles and laughter.

*It’s the Captain!*

*About time you joined us Steve!*

*Take a beer!*

*Dum Dum go get the bottle of Bourbon!*

*It’s Bloody well good to See you Old Chap!*

Steve grinned and shook his head as the men crowded around him slapping him on the back and celebrating his arrival. It would be so easy to get lost in the dream if it wasn’t for the voice of the Professor behind him.

*Focus Captain Rogers',..... we are here for a purpose.* The Professor spoke gently and Steve turned to see the man and the Soldier standing by the doorway patiently waiting. Steve swallowed and nodded.

*Say fella’s,..... any one seen Sergeant Barnes around?* Steve asked trying to speak around the lump in his throat.

*Right here Punk!......Waiting on you to come and get me!* Steve turned abruptly toward the voice as his eyes grew wide and misty. There, leaning casually against the bar dressed in full formal uniform, hat tilted, smirk beneath cool blue eyes, stood Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, as if strait out of the picture Steve carried in his wallet. Without conscious thought Steve quickly closed distance and seized the mental image of his friend in a desperate hug. Bucky laughed and returned the embrace as he patted Steve on the back.

*You Jerk!....... God I’ve missed you Buck!!!!* Steve blinked back his tears as he pulled away and took in the sight of his grinning friend who patted his cheek.

*Course you did Stevie!..... A kid like you needs a pal like me around to watch yer back!...... In Brooklyn or on the battle field...... Now let’s blow this joint and go get us a real drink at a real bar!..... Been listening to these goons sing off key for more then a life time!* Barnes chuckled as he saluted the images of their friends who each saluted back before drifting back into the darkness that was covering the bar. They turned toward the Professor and the Soldier who stood with them in the encompassing blackness. Barne’s smile diminished as he looked at the Soldier with a tight lip nod.

*Well, I guess you kept up your end of the deal,... Thanks Soldier,.....you did good!* Bucky patted the Soldier on his back with a stiff arm, obviously not terribly found of the man but still willing to acknowledge his efforts.

*Professor?* Steve nodded, ready to wake up and rejoice with his recovered friend. Xavier sighed as he looked upon Barnes with a knowing gaze, his words directed to the persona of the Sergeant.

*Sergeant Barnes,.......We must discover your true self,..... the consciousness of the man you are now,.... not just your idealized memory of who you once were........Only then can you awaken and your recovery begin.* The Professor spoke gently to the man who grit his teeth and looked away. Steve looked at the Professor with puzzlement then back at Bucky who was suddenly in his blue coat and uniform he wore during his days as Captain America’s right hand man in the Howling Commandos, after he was rescued from the POW camp. Steve took in his friend’s appearance and at once noticed the difference as he saw the slightly warn expression in the man’s eyes, an emotional storm kept frozen below his icy gaze, face pale and circles under his eyes. Steve realized with a pang of guilt that this was exactly how his friend had look during their months on the battle field of endless missions and restless nights of nightmare sleep that he would never talk about, finding refuge in a flask of whiskey he kept in his breast pocket at all times. The Captain at once realized just how selfish he had been to not see the obvious pain his friend was in as he dragged him across Europe to cover his back while he lead the charge against Hydra.  
*Bucky......* Steve’s voice held a note of deep sympathy as he rest a hand on his friend’s shoulder before Barnes jerked away with a shake of his head as he pulled out his flask and took a large swallow wiping his lips on his sleeve as he glared at the Professor.

*No!..... This is who I am,...... Not what Hydra did to me,...... not what they turned me into!* Barnes snapped as he scowled at the Soldier and then back at Xavier with a challenging fire in his blue eyes. The Professor sighed and spoke again.

*Show us your true self Sargent Barnes,...... you have suffered for so long,..... you must awaken to live your life once again as a free man.* The Professor spoke with a firm but understanding tone. Bucky clenched his fists as he let out a shout of frustration.

*Wake me up!.... Now!..... I am ready!...... Just do it!* He growled as he gripped the Professor's collar before Steve pulled him back.

*Bucky!..... Stop,...... we are here to help you!......* Steve struggled to hold Bucky back and they were once more in the cold cement corridor with the flickering lights. The men looked around as The Soldier, standing still as a statue, eyes to the floor, pointed to a metal door at the end of the hall, a large pad lock on it. Steve looked toward the door as did Bucky who instantly began breathing heavy, his fists clenched and a crazed look taking over his features. He jumped in front of Steve gripping his friend’s uniform with wide, pleading eyes.  
*No Steve!...... Don’t..... Just don’t!.... Please!...... Thats not me,......Thats not who I am!......* Bucky’s body shook and searched his friends eyes with an intense stare. Steve looked at his friend with confusion and sadness then to the Professor who nodded as he looked toward the metal door.

*It’s okay Buck,..... What ever happens it’s going to be okay,...... I am gonna bring you home,....... it’ s time to wake up pal.* Steve tried to comfort. Sergeant Barns let go of the Captain’s uniform and stepped back with an anguished expression as he shook his head.

*I am sorry Stevie,..... I am so, so sorry!......I tried to hold on.... I.....* Bucky’s voice faltered as he faded back into the darkness, away from the others, leaving the three standing in the long corridor.

*Bucky!* Steve called as he looked around in alarm at the man’s disappearance.

*it’s okay Steve,...... Behind that door is the consciousness of James Barnes right before he was lost, the last remembered moment’s of his life before Hydra buried him beneath the programing and conditioning of the Winter Soldier. Your friend did not want you to see him at his most vulnerable, at his worst, but that is who he is until he can begin to heal and recover his former self.* The Professor sighed. Steve swallowed as he stared hard at the door then toward the Soldier who once again took his hand and made the first move. Steve followed taking slow deliberate steps toward it, feeling a tight pain in his chest.  
The Soldier’s body was rigged with cold fear. He hung his head as they walked, looking at the ground and not toward the loan cell at the end of the hall. As they approached the large metal door. The Soldier let go of Steve’s hand and leaned into the metal. With a deep sigh he knocked once with his metal fist, leaning his forehead against the door. A moment past before a strangled voice sounded,...... harsh and choked.

*’Im here,....... I’m here!* The voice cried out, weak and desperate. The Soldier looked at Steve with a sad finality and then used his metal hand to crush the large padlock on the door. He stepped back as the door slowly opened and in the darkness of the cell sat the tortured and disheveled form of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Steve took a deep breath before he entered the cell and crouched down before his friend, eyes relieved and concerned at once. Bucky was dressed in his torn and dirty undershirt and amy paints, barefoot, curled up and rocking, his one arm wrapped around his legs as he mumbled to himself shaking his head, eyes distant and unfocused as they had been the night he found him strapped to the table at the POW camp. His other arm was nothing but a bandaged stump and it looked painful and possibly infected.

*Bucky,....... It’s me,...... It’s Steve,....... Can you look at me...... Please.* The Captain heard his voice break as he reached toward his friend who scooted away, eyes wide and desperate and not recognizing, unable to make eye contact. He brought his one hand up to his over grown but still short hair and gripped it as he began breathing hard. *Bucky!* Steve said again as he reached for his friend’s hand and received a harsh cry as Bucky shook and banged his head with his fist, eyes closed.

*NOnononononononono!.............Can’t...... To..to..to much.......C..c..c...can’t go back to the ch..ch..chair!........ It..... eats m...m..m...memory........ I ..I..I..I am S.s..s..Sergeant J-James Buchanan B-Barnes ........B-Bucky,..... M...m..my friends call me Bucky!.......I am Bucky!* His words were slurred and stuttered, speech frantic and desperate as his eyes shot open, wide and full of terror, looking around him everywhere before landing on Steve but still not able to recognize his friend. He shook his head and let out a choked whimper as he pleaded, pulling on his hair. *P....P..P..Please........ Be Good!...... P....P..P..Please...... don’t want to forget...... I am B-Bucky.......I am Bucky!* The distressed man hung his head and hugged himself with his one arm as he cried in despair. 

Steve felt his heart shatter as he looked upon the beaten and tormented form of his best friend, realizing that this was the Bucky that he had seen in the video documentation, the man desperately clinging to his memories as Hydra repeatedly strapped him into the chair and attempted to burn it all away. He could not take the sight any longer and grabbed his frightened friend who resisted and fought, screaming like a wild animal as Steve wrapped him in a hug and held on tight.

*Bucky Please!..........Please....... Remember me!....... Please just look at my face!....... Bucky it’s me,....it’s Steve!* The Captain pleaded and at last the fearful man struggling against his grasp stilled as the name hit him with sudden force. He stopped fighting and looked wide eyed at Steve with an expression of disbelief and hope and desperation. Steve cradled Bucky in his arms as he had the Soldier before and he gazed upon his friends confused and frightened face with a need to relieve his pain and bring him out of his endless nightmare.

*S.ss..s..ss...Steve?.......Stevie?* Bucky questioned with a choked sob as he brought his trembling right hand to his friend’s face, eyes scanning the features, wide and crazed. * Steve!....... Steve......h..h..help..... help me.......P..Please Stevie!” Bucky begged as he grasped the Captain’s uniform in his hand as his body trembled.

*I got you Bucky!..... I’m bringing you with me....... It’s time to wake up!...... You have been trapped in here too long!* Steve’s voice was a horse whisper as he held his friend close. He looked up from his trembling friend toward the Winter Soldier who looked down at Barnes with remorse and sympathy. He looked at Steve and nodded once then turned toward the Cryo-tank that had appeared suddenly. With a heavy sigh the Soldier opened the tank and stepped inside, willing himself to accept his cold rest and the relief it would bring. Steve watched with his own sadness as he held tight to the fragile consciousness of Bucky and gave the Soldier a thankful nod as the door to the ice coffin shut and the Soldier closed his eyes, ice covering his body and relieving him from the burden of waking life. 

Steve looked at the Professor as he crouched down next to the him in the now empty darkness, a distant light illuminating the three figures. Both men looked down at Bucky who was shaking, eyes shut tight and mumbling gibberish.

*Will he be like this when we wake up?* Steve questioned with a deep frown, concern dripping from his hushed words. The Professor sighed as he rest a hand on both men’s heads.

* We shall find out together,..... It is time to wake up!*   
Steve closed his eyes as the bright light surrounded them and he felt him self floating again, drifting as the sound of the beeping in the med lab could be heard as well as concerned voices.

Steve opened his eyes and blinked as tears flooded his vision, He wiped his eyes and looked up at the concerned faces who were hovering all around. Bruce was checking Bucky’s vitals with a steady look and Steve glanced over to the Professor who sighed as he opened his eyes, removing Cerebro with the help of Dr. McCoy.

“Steve,...man, are you alright........ You and Bucky seemed like you were in pain,..... you started choking at one point and he’s been whimpering and crying this whole time!” Sam asked with urgency, his tone and concerned expression evident as were the others who all waited for his reply. Steve sighed and rubbed his face before nodding as he looked at Bucky with a fretful expression as he gripped his friends hand and stroked his hair, willing him to open his eyes.

“Did you find him?” Natasha asked as she studied his apprehensive expression and desperate eyes. Steve looked at her with a sad little smile and nod.

“Yea,.....But.......” Steve sighed and shook his head as he encased Bucky’s hand with both of his. He looked up at Natasha and the others with wet eyes. “.....I think..... he might be even more messed up then the Soldier was.” Steve’s voice cracked and he closed his eyes before looking back toward his friend who began to stir, a moan escaping his lips as he shuddered.

“The important thing to remember Captain Rogers is that he will heal,..... with your help and patience he will reclaim himself,... even if he gets lost along the way!” The Professor encouraged and Steve held his breath as Bucky opened his eyes, blinking at the faces around him with wide frantic eyes that portrayed his immense confusion and fear, breath caught.

“Bucky,.... look at me!.... I got you!... I am right here!...... Your safe!” Steve spoke hastily as he pulled his friend’s frantic gaze toward his own. Bucky looked at his face in confusion and then once more in disbelief.  
“S....Steve.......is.... th..th...this real?..... Are y..y..you real?” Bucky’s voice trembled as he reached for his friend who was standing up to pull him into a hug.  
“Yea it’s real,.... your awake, your free from Hydra..... I got you pal!” Steve held him tight as Bucky’s rapid breathing was accented by the hammering in his chest. The heart monitor was beeping rapidly and Steve pulled away slightly as he met his friend’s wild eyes. Bucky was still shaking as he looked at Steve with desperate fear.

“No,.....Nononononono,...... Th..th...this..... this isn’t real...... y..y..your dead,... Steve, your dead!” Bucky stammered as he pushed away from his friend and hastily ripped off the electrodes before he stopped short and his breath caught, eyes wide in horror, mouth gaping with a harsh gasp as he looked down at his metal arm.

“Buck,..... Bucky it’s okay..... just..” Steve tried to calm him down but he suddenly let out a shocked cry grabbing his metal arm with his flesh one as he screamed in rage and agony and despair. Steve instantly wrapped him in another protective hug holding the back of Bucky’s head as he crashed into Steve’s chest with another guttural cry. “It’s okay,...... it will be okay,.... just breath Buck!” Steve begged his friend as his woeful gaze met the Avenger’s and X-Men alike who looked on with compassion.

“W..w..what did they do to me S..S..Steve!....... They t..t..turned m..m..me into a fucking r..r..robot.......ah...m..m..monster!..........I..I...I let them m..m..make me a monster!” Bucky sobbed, his body shaking badly as he gasped for air in panic.

“No.....NO!..... Buck look at me!...... You look at me!” Steve pulled away and placed a hand on either side of his friend’s face, his own gaze wet with tears but strong and determined as he kept Bucky’s desperate eyes focused on his. “You are not a monster,...... You are Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,....... You are my best friend and you have just escaped Hydra,..... you are free!...... You are not their property!.....Breath Buck!..... That’s it,.... Just breath!” Steve’s voice was a steel command that demanded to be heard. Bucky stared hard into his friends eyes as he grit his teeth and steadied his breathing. Several moments past as Bucky closed his eyes against the painful realization that he had become Hydra’s weapon. Once he opened his eyes, full of despair, he looked around and then back at Steve as he took a few deep breaths.  
“Th..th..this is real....... Y..y..you are real,...... I..I..I am me?...N..n...not him!... I am Bucky?” He asked with a pleading tone and was answered by a firm nod from Steve.

“Yes,.... I am real and so are you!..... We are both alive,..... we survived Hydra,...... And now I am going to help you heal,... help you remember who you are!” Steve confirmed and Bucky let out a half hearted laugh, tears still running down his cheeks as he fell forward again into his friend’s chest, hands grasping Steve’s biceps.

“W..w..w..what took y...y..you so long Punk?..... I th..th..thought you were dead...... I thought I...I...I was alone.” Bucky cried again into Steve’s chest as he trembled and stifled a deep sob.

“I know,.... I’m sorry,..... I was just lost for a while........we both were....and then I came back,..... and now your back too!...... We get to live again Bucky!.....We get to have our second chance!” Steve exhaled as he held his friend in a tight embrace. Bucky was breathing steady and when the embrace loosened he glanced side ways at the on looking faces then back toward the ground as he whispered nervously.

“W..w..w.who are these people Steve,........ W-What do they want?” Bucky could not mask the fear and anxiety that was evident in his tone as he griped Steve’s shirt with his flesh hand, the metal one hanging loosely.

“They're my friends Bucky,..... and yours too,..... they helped me find you and bring you home!....... They wont hurt you,...... Your safe Bucky,..... Your safe!” Steve sighed as he rubbed his distressed friends back who continued to cast the other occupants side ways glances, jaw locked and eyes mistrusting as his body continued to shake slightly.

“It will take time Captain Rogers',........ But this man is strong and his will to live held on for all this time,...... he will remember and he will learn to live again!” The Professor offered as he came closer to the two men, Bucky shrinking back toward Steve. Xavier placed a hand on the fearful man’s head and after a moment his eyes fluttered shut and he slumped into unconsciousness against Steve’s chest. The Captain held his friend and looked at Xavier with questioning eyes. “We have brought him to the surface, but his mind needs time to integrate with the memories he has experienced second hand living vicariously through the Soldier these past few months. There is much healing to be done and when he awakens in the morning, he will be able to remember his time here with the Avengers....... There will be good days and bad, times when he becomes lost and confused,...... or prone to violence or hysterics...... This will be hard for you Steven,...... but with your strength and his determination,..... he will overcome and learn to be the man who he truly is.” The Professor surmised with a compassionate smile. Steve nodded and looked down at Bucky’s unconscious form in his arms.

“I got you Pal,.... Till the end of the line!” Steve promised feeling a sense of hope as he looked up at the faces around him who nodded, already confirming that they were in for the long haul. No matter how hard it might be, they were ready to meet the challenges that lay ahead.


	29. Remembering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a random scene that I have in my head that doesn't fit into how I am writing the sequel of this story but is still part of this tale. Call it a missing scene, out of time and place not long enough to be it’s own chapter but just a hint of what our dearest Sergeant Barnes might have lurking in his fragile, recovering mind. Featuring a young Rumlow in his first interaction with the Asset! Next up,…, ‘To Be The Man That I Am... Bucky's recovery!’ The details of his abuse from the Russian Hydra Handler will never be fully discussed or graphically depicted in the next story as I am more into writing the hurt/comfort aspect of trauma then the actual violation and assault. It will just be hinted at for emotional devastation :) 
> 
> Warning M for mention of non-con

The Winter Soldier was huddled in the corner of a Hydra lab, blood covering his hands, chest, and face, cowering as he mumbled in broken Russian and rocked. His eyes were dilated with unknown fear, his mind lost in a frenzy of fragmented memories. He was surrounded by dead bodies, a few Technicians still alive as they choked on their own blood, white coats splattered in crimson, the sound of an alarm going off with the echo of men shouting filling the Soldier’s hyper senses. He was naked and shivering, body still recovering from Cryo. 

The Asset had come to on a metal slab with the men standing over him, taking measurements and jotting down notes on their clip boards. His body had been paralyzed from the numb burning of his blood flow circulating through frozen limbs. Despite the vague familiarity of the torturous process, there was something different, something incredibly wrong and The Soldier struggled to understand why he felt the impulse to fight back and flea his keepers.

He remembered!..... He knew he should not, he knew he was suppose to wake up blank and confused and disoriented, malleable and willing to let the technicians work on him and his handler’s prepare him for a mission but something must have gone wrong because he was not calm, he was not sedated or kept compliant by medication. His eyes franticly scanned the room as his conscious awareness crept back into his mind. Something had happened. Something bad and sickening, and degrading beyond his conditioned tolerance. Something that left him feeling vulnerable and weak and...... afraid..... The Winter Soldier was not programed to feel, to react to pain, to process emotions and he was not definitely not suppose to remember.

 

The white coat Technicians had recognized that something was wrong the moment his heart rate increased, moving around him in uncertainty as one grabbed a flash light and shined it into his eyes. The Asset growled and forced his uncoordinated body to move, realizing that for some reason he was not properly restrained as he should have been during the defrosting process. With clumsy and jerking movements, limbs flailing, he lunged with violent force toward the shocked men in lab coats who had not expected his reaction, unprepared for Hydra’s greatest weapon to awaken as an unhinged, volatile bomb.

Rumlow was the first to enter the newly constructed lab, gun drawn and eyes wide as he scanned the carnage then looked directly at the Soldier with a mixture of wariness and awe. Jack Rollins was right behind him as were the other Strike Team members, all guns loaded and directed at the trembling weapon who growled wildly as he cursed them in Russian, huddling in the corner.

“What the Fuck!?” Jack gasped as a dyeing Hydra scientist reached out to him for help. He glared at the white coat and kicked him away.

“Where’s Pierce?..... We gotta figure out what just happened,..... The Asset is malfunctioning!..... And get the Captain down here!” Rumlow hissed as Jack nodded and got on the phone. Rumlow slowly approached the unstable weapon with slow cautious steps.

“Hey there big guy,....... No need to panic,.......” Rumlow spoke in a calm even tone, hoping his Russian was understandable. He had been required to learn the foreign language over a year ago when Pierce announced that the American head of Hydra was in negotiation with the crumbling Soviet Union to take on responsibility for maintaining and operating the Fist of Hydra, the most valuable Asset and lethal weapon ever created by the shadow organization. The newly appointed Secretary had mandated that all Hydra personnel that would be in direct contact with the Asset must become fluent in Russian.   
The Human Weapon was not easily handed over and after almost a year of resistance form the Russian’s Pierce had triumphantly returned to the States with the Frozen Asset, and a very outdated maintenance chair. The Secretary was very excited about his new acquisition but had mentioned that he was frustrated by the continued resistance from the fast declining Russian Hydra branch who had calmed to have missed placed the programing and conditioning documentation needed to understand how to maintain and control the lethal weapon. He had been assured by his Soviet counter part and former Handler of the Winter Soldier that the vital procedure manual and video footage would be sent along when it was recovered. Despite concern expressed by the now dead Technicians, Pierce had ordered the Asset be revived from Cryo so they could accurately asses his current condition and abilities after a prolonged span of inactivity. That decision had clearly been a mistake.

Rumlow came into view of the Asset who at the moment appeared to be a shivering, bloody mess, crouched like a wild animal, long wet hair curtained over his blood smeared face. Rumlow kept his gun ready, trigger finger locked but at his side one hand palm up, crouching down to become eye level with the flesh and bone weapon. He stayed several feet away as he called out in a firm but calm tone, his Russian harsh and bitter sounding to his own ears.

“Look at Me,...... My name is Rumlow,..... I am on the American Hydra Strike Team,.....You have been Transferred here from Russia...... You are the Fist of Hydra,...... You will follow our orders,....... do you understand?” Rumlow questioned with a strong unflinching gaze. The Asset’s wide, confused eyes drifted up toward the man in front of him, a weary look on his blood stained face as he muttered to himself in Russian gibberish, hands clenched in fists as he stopped Rocking, the shivering slowing. His eyes slowly narrowed as his focus remained on Rumlow and he tilted his head to the side like a dog trying to understand his master.

“You will follow orders!..... Do you understand Soldier?” Rumlow’s tone took on a stronger more commanding sound, as The Asset studied the unfamiliar face. After a long moment the Asset nodded once not braking his gaze with Rumlow.

“Why did you attack these men?..... These are Hydra’s doctors,..... they are needed to maintain you.” Rumlow demanded. The Asset glanced toward the multiple dead bodies then huffed as he looked down at his blood covered hands, confusion evident on his troubled face. He bit his lip and brought his flesh hand up to grip his hair as he closed his eyes.

“Soldier,..... you will answer when questioned by a commanding officer!..... Why did you attack Hydra’s doctors?” Rumlow’s tone became a bark of an order and he felt a cold stillness settle over the room as the Asset opened his eyes, the confusion gone and a deadly glare settling in it’s place.

“I remember!” The Asset spat with bitter resentment, harsh and angry Russian words sounding strained. The statement and fierceness of the weapon's eyes was startling and Rumlow felt his body go rigged. He forced his expression to remain calm and his voice steady despite the pounding of his heart.

“What do you remember Soldier?” Rumlow asked cautiously, knowing that despite a lack of complete understanding of the maintenance process, it was known and expected that the Weapon would awaken from Cyro with his memory of past mission’s wiped but his programing and training remaining in-tacked. The Soldier’s body began to shake again but not with fear, as he suddenly let out an anguished growl and slammed his metal fist into the cement floor over and over, shattering the ground beneath it. The Strike team looked at each other with growing apprehension and Rumlow focused on maintaining his calm composure despite the truly frightening display of unbridled rage and the deadly power he wielded.

The Soldier gritted his teeth as the distorted flashes of memory flooded his minds eye, images of his Russian Handler ordering him to remain still as the guards and Strike Team took turns using his body in a way that was not only painful but made him feel sick and overcome with feelings he had no name for. His skin crawled as his jaw ached and his battered insides felt as though he was being torn apart. They were laughing as he choked and he felt his blood running down his exposed body. He was being punished for no identified reason. And the lust for his pain was evident in the eyes of his Handler as the man grinned sadistically at his abused Asset.

The Weapon snapped back to the present as new voices entered the room, a large man with heavy steps came toward him ordering him to stand up in Russian. The Soldier rose slowly, fists still clenched as he looked up at the owner of the new voice. His naked body was still shaking as he breathed harshly through his noise, eyes filled with seething rage. The Captain of the Strike team studied the Asset’s expression, face and torso smeared in blood then he spoke to Rumlow, his eyes still fixed on the unstable weapon.

“What happened here?” The Captain spoke in English to his junior officer as Rumlow stood slowly, gun still locked and loaded, remaining at his side.

“He said he remembers.” Rumlow’s spoke his gaze remaining on The Winter Soldier.

“Remembers what?” The Captain snapped at Rumlow, a baton clutched in one hand and a electric prod in the other as he glared back at the Weapon, challenging him to show deviance or aggression.

“I don’t know Sir,.... he didn’t say....... Something from a past mission or something the Russian’s did to him.” Rumlow suggested as he eyed the Soldier with apprehension.

“They haven't sent him on a mission in over eight years,..... But Pierce said they had brought him out stasis when he was there a few months ago to make sure the Secretary would be imprinted as the new Handler.” The Captain spoke with speculative thought as he gripped each training weapon in his hands firmly, ready to strike.

“What do you Remember Soldier?” The Captain ordered, returning his language to Russian as the Asset stiffened and his head lowered, eyes narrowing. His jaw was locked and as he focused on the order his mind struggled to formulate a response. In truth he had no idea how to describe the heinous memory of his undeserved punishment or the flood of unknown emotions that went with it.

“Soldier,.... you will answer!..... What do you remember!?” The Captain shouted in Russian and the tone demanded the Asset’s attention as he met the man’s eyes. The Soldier felt a strange sensation of panic grip his chest as his knees buckled and he crumpled to the floor, his breathing becoming frantic and labored. He squeezed his eyes shut as he began hammering the sides of his head with his fists, animalistic cries ripping through his shaking body. He could not explain what had been done to him and he knew to not answer would receive a punishment. The agony of remembering was shattering his ability to function as he was programed to and there was no way to handle the chaos in his own mind or the debilitating grip of raw emotions he could not understand, drowning him in pain.

There was more shouting and then he felt the stab of dart shoot into the side of his neck. He growled violently as he pulled the dart out of his neck and lunged forward toward the Captain who deflected his attack with the baton and electric prod, invoking a howl of pain from the Asset who was struggling to get up onto his hands and knees. The Captain struck him twice more across his broad back and then kicked him once in his ribs before the Asset felt a sudden hot numbness wash over him, his body becoming heavy as his breathing slowed. He collapsed to the floor, dropping the needle as his body shook with tremors, his adrenaline dissipating as the powerful tranquilizer set in. His vision began to blur as his limp body lay in a heap next to the bloody corpses of the white coats. His last conscious thought was a need to join the dead and never wake up.


End file.
